Pen Envy (redone from TYWC days)

I want your
words,
but I don't want to pay.
Let me pick apart your syntax and
sew it back up
like a curious child and an
unfortunate frog.
I want to take your metaphors and
chain them in my basement, for use
when I am feeling
particularly prosaic and
singularly uninspired.
I want to see the color of a poet's eyes
from the inside
and make rage or
beauty bleed ink through thin paper
with words alone
(but I don't want it to hurt).
Don't worry, this villain
gets her comeuppance in the end,
not when the brilliant young FBI agent
tracks her trail of misplaced modifiers,
but when her paper finally
fills with words
(because she really has nothing to say).

Hi faith,

I enjoyed reading this poem.

I like the title.

Could "I want your words," possibly be on one line? This would even out the flow a bit.

Let me pick apart your syntax and
sew it back up
like a curious child and an
unfortunate frog.

Great simile there.

and make rage or
beauty bleed ink through thin paper

Could rage and beauty be on the same line?

not when the brilliant young FBI agent
tracks her trail of misplaced modifiers,
but when her paper finally
fills with words
(because she really has nothing to say).

I like that FBI metaphor, and particularly like the role reversal of the paper and words.

There are a couple of words missing apostrophes in there (EDIT: Never mind, you've fixed them), but overall, it's a very good poem. Well done.

faith!

This is an interesting poem for a variety of reasons and it took me a few readings before I got it all, although I'm not quite sure whether it's what you were driving for or not.

The poem is being said by a speaker who is jealous of the apparent ease with which another poet spins metaphors and words with apparent ease. And I like that; your poem gives voice to the rage and jealousy we all feel at times. This is even more perfect for proffesional critics who will hack even the greatest work into bits and pieces without ever realizing the whole.

Nate wrote:The poem is being said by a speaker who is jealous of the apparent ease with which another poet spins metaphors and words with apparent ease. And I like that; your poem gives voice to the rage and jealousy we all feel at times.

Yep, that's pretty much it. Good to see you by the way. I've missed this place.

Again, I liked it. It does have a wee bit of a disjointed feel to it but I think that helps with the concept of the emotion. Particularly love the lines "I want to see the colour of a poet's eyes/from the inside" and the last three lines. Awesome. Now I'm jealous of *you* LOL

I loved the disjointed form of this - it fit singularly well with the theme. Aside from that simply, the idea itself is worth the read.

I want to see the color of a poet's eyes
from the inside
and make rage or
beauty bleed ink through thin paper
with words alone

The 'color of a poet's eyes/ from the inside' struck me especially. Envy seems to angle the words, in the best way, of course.

(but I don't want it to hurt).

This was apt for what it said...but it rather stuck out - almost too abrupt in its own way. Perhaps it would be less noticeable/distracting without parentheses? A thought, at least.

All in all, I loved the poem. ^_^

IMP

Hm. Haven't seen you in a while - I didn't know you wrote poetry. And exceedingly well.

A bit exhausting on the "I want"s - could you have not used something else? In any case, as Imp has said, this line is awkward and jolts the rhythmatic flow of the poem:

(but I don't want it to hurt).

All together, I think I could do without it.

The ending was outstanding, and I love the entire concept.