Geh. Never thought I'd need to use this. Sorry Sherls, this is a very selfish rant.
Spoiler
I never thought I'd say this again, but I feel dead inside. I mean, like no emotions. Sure, I laugh as much as the next girl, and maybe I do feel it. But it's not there. I don't know what it is. Somedays I feel so tired, like maybe I'm out of time. Like maybe, I shouldn't really be alive anymore.
But most days, I feel stupid. That, and nothing else. I should be doing so much right now. I should be able to do so much more. I'm luckier than most people, I know that. Then why is this emptiness still inside me? And I know, I know very well that I have no right to complain. Somedays I feel like a bitch. Other days I feel invisible. Butmost days, I just wonder why I'm going on. Honestly. I feel like a waste of space, a waste of time - and mostly, a waste of a life that could have been someone else's. Maybe someone who was less deserving.
Other people seem to know what I am, but I sill don't. I wonder why I'm this way - I wonder if anyone can answer me. I wonder if maybe someday, I'll be able to be the person I want to be. And I really wish I could do what I tell myself too. I don't want to be the same as all the other girls I know. Heck, I'd throttle myself if I was like them.
Apparently, though, I speak like I live on a TV set. ^^' The last person I want to be like is my dad. He's not bad, he's awesome. But he doesn't like to listen to others. A problem all of us Indians have, unfortunately. In fact, he's extremely opinionated too.. Doesn't help my case much. And I'm not enjoying the whole "zone out" thing my mind does everytime I get a lecture either... I wish I could be the person I was in eighth again Come to think of it, almost everything went downhill from eighth.. *sighs*
BTW - this is a pretty calm rant, so the dummy is still intact. XD You're awesome Sherls.
"Married to music - 'nuff said." "Freedom is everything to me."
"Have you any idea why a raven is like a writing desk?" "I shall futterwacken vigorously" ~ Tarrant Hightop, Alice in Wonderland.
I am SO busy right now. I need to get to work editting my novel AND I have a novella and a new novel (or two, or three) I've started AND I have to finish reading the driver's manual so I can get my stupid learner's permit before I'm eighty AND we have dance pictures coming up which are always a pain in the neck, because I have a sensitive scalp and thick hair and we somehow have to mold it into a rock-solid bun AND my throat hurts AND I have a chorus concert on tuesday, which I'm going to sound like a frog at if my throat doesn't get better quick AND I have an orchestra concert coming up which we're going to have to do an early-morning practice for and I NEED my sleep AND we're doing strength and conditioning in PE while the boys get to play ping-pong (which we never get to play, even though ping-pong is the only sport I rock at) AND for some reason, I've had trouble getting to sleep the last few nights, so I'm really tired AND... well, that's it actually. That was funner than I thought it was going to be.
When I was young, I admired clever people. Now that I am old, I admire kind people. -Abraham Joshua Heschel
If you do something that isn't mainstream they'll attack you until your corpse is bloody on the ground. They will shun you so harshly you won't be able to show your face to the world again. Why can't they realize that we're all human? I'm gay, I don't listen to things on the radio, and I'm schizo and sure, I have a tiny obsession with fire, does that make me wrong in your eyes? I'm still human. I'm not some kind of robot. I have feelings. You have no right to degrade me and think you can get away with it. You sadistic witch. People need to take a good look at themselves first before going off and judging other people. I refuse to always be scared to step out my door. This is my country too, and I don't give a rats ass about what you think of me.
I couldn’t see a thing till I shut my eyes. I never knew a thing till I lost my mind. I would sell my soul to know it all But I held the keys all this time.
I'm sorry, but I'll be abusing this room for the time being.
Spoiler
I don't want to admit how much I like you, so I'll just fool around with other people right in front of you, even though I know very well that you're head over heels for me. Then to top it off I'll smile at you and act as if I've done nothing wrong. But when I'm alone and all those people I've fooled around with aren't there for me, I'll come running back to you. I'll make you give up yourself to me once more, then right in the morning, you'll wake up and you won't see me there anymore. I'll disappear from your life for about a week, and then I'll show up to your doorstep high and drunk. But you will still take me in, because you can't do anything else. I'll use you like clay in my hands. I'll break you and you can't do anything about it. I'll go out and smile and laugh with everyone but you, and I'll leave you to cry over the crap I've left behind. I'll make you carry the burden of our past, and I will go off scot-free, acting as if I wasn't the one that destroyed you.
It's funny how people actually think like this...
I couldn’t see a thing till I shut my eyes. I never knew a thing till I lost my mind. I would sell my soul to know it all But I held the keys all this time.
I'd love to use this, but I think, in my case, I need a new shop. Anger is something I rarely feel, I think, because I can't actually define emotions. *tears up the dummy because what the hey*
Just recently my friend (who was once my best friend, but I don't think I can call her that anymore.) told me that she was moving away. Now, I wouldn't have minded this, but she tells me A MONTH after she finds out that she was moving. And it wasn't as if she told me willingly. She told me when I asked her why she wasn't at school that day, and she said she was in London, Ontario. I asked why, and she said she was looking at houses. So, confused, I asked her why she was looking at houses in London, Ontario. Then, nonchalant, she says 'oh, because I'm moving there by the end of this year'. Um. Excuse me? So you mean to tell me if I never asked you where you went, you would have never told me? Especially after all the stuff I gave up for her, she doesn't even give two cents about me. For example, I'd be talking about something serious to her on the phone and when I ask her a question about it like 'what do I do?' she'd be like 'Sorry, what? I wasn't listening.' EXCUSE ME?! I've come to realize that I don't want to be the one pulling all the weight in this relationship. I don't want to be the one to always have to ask 'do you want to hang out' or something. If she really cared, she would call. If she really cared, she would listen when I need help. A friend doesn't ignore a friend for thirty something year olds on a goddamn game. (She plays some MMORPG thing. I will admit that I play it too, but I wouldn't ignore her if she was talking to me just because I was on it)
Whew. That felt good.
I don't mind if you're overrated. Or if you're staring at the edge of the world. Keep in mind that I'm sore of blurry vision. But I can see it has to be you, love that I've been dreaming of. And if we climb this high, I swear we'll never die.
thanks for popping!
