New & Improve: Rant Shop - Relocated

I admit, I'm hurting right now

I hate being left out in the dark on things. I mean, seriously? How hard is it to ask someone whether they want to do something instead of automatically assuming they do and will just because you said so? We have opinions and limits for a reason, do we not? What happened to respecting them?

It's my life, my decisions. It was nice of you to try and take one for me, for whatever reason, but this one was mine. You know how I feel about a certain aspect of this and you vouched for me anyway? If anything, you should have guessed my answer would be the opposite or under serious consideration.

Thanks, I guess, for reminding me that I'm an incapable pushover who will heed every word you say. It's always nice to be viewed as a helpless child, but you wouldn't know, would you? You're the one above the microscope, with everyone else beneath...

Okay, so I think I like this guy who comes off as a jerk and all the girls at school don't like him because he swears a lot. But I liked him a long time ago (back when he was nicer) and when we talked. Now I don't know what he's like anymore but every time I even hear his voice my heart skips a beat and my face gets all flushed and everything! I don't want to like him because everyone hates him... but sometimes I just feel like that?
Oh, and my sister, who has OCD is really, really annoying and I get sick at the smell of purell now because of her. My parents are really low on money right now and we're kind of like... almost in debt... and then she goes and says "mom I NEED this new lego set!" and it's like $100 and I'm all like ...um... no. But then my mom goes and tells her "maybe next time" like we'll actually be able to afford it in the near future. Then when I ask for something (that I have been asking for forever) she goes and tells me flat out "We can't afford that!"
Plus my dad spoils my dog like nobody's business and treats him like he's the best thing that ever happened and then when he looks at me he looks all dissapointed and he keeps pushing me and pushing me to do running start at school but I DON'T WANT TO!

I just. I'm in a really bad mood today. There isn't even much of a reason for it. If I'm honest with myself, there is no actual reason. Well, I know why, but it's just so personal. But then again, I've practically spilled my heart out here, so how could it possibly hurt?

Everything's piling up on me these days. I know I'm lazy as hell and the biggest procrastinator in the world ever, but I feel almost... suffocated these days.

My school selected me for this really prestigious and important debate, and don't get me wrong, I am glad they selected me. But now I'm missing more than half of my classes for so-called practice, but we don't even do anything productive. Missing classes would normally be OK with me, but now I'm behind on so much homework and notes. And I don't even do anything productive out of class. I have tons of math homework, notes to catch up on in all three sciences, notes in history and geography, homework in literature and language, confusing codes in computer and only the gods know what's happening to Hindi.

I've never had so much to do: school (most of which I miss, thanks to debate), debate practice out of school, homework, spending time with my family (my cousin's visiting from America), extra classes because I'll miss four weeks of school thanks to a summer camp, and in between all of that, I have to find time for myself and YWS. (I always find time for YWS, I cut it out of my sleep time. It doesn't make a difference because I'm an insomniac and a coffee addict.)

As I said before, I'm a huge procrastinator. Basically, I don't get off my lazy ass and do things until the last minute, and that includes everything. I feel tired at the mention of homework and debate practice. I know I'm just being lazy, but this is a bit too much. 24 hours in a day isn't enough.

And on top of that, the whole love thing isn't going too well either. I've given up now. I've made a huge ball of my confused feelings and dumped them in a corner, hoping, praying they'll subside in a few months. I did try to sort them out, but they're just too confusing. Love is too confusing. It's better if we don't experience it other than the platonic kind. (As in, the way I love my parents, brothers, family, friends and dog)

Not having any good friends in school doesn't make it any better. I'm friends with people and I'm friendly with people, but there's no one I can actually confide in. The one person I can trust moved, though we still keep in touch. Another one of my good friends and I drifted apart, but we're still friends. Another... well, let's just say I woke up and saw her for the narcissistic b**** she is. I avoid direct confrontations with her.

I'm not totally friendless. I have five or six friends. There are many more whom I'm on friendly terms with. But no such good friends to speak of. And it utterly sucks. I'm pretty sure I'm the only loner in my class. Everyone else has a kind of 'group'. Mine broke up last year (long story I'm not gonna get into).

Ranting does make me feel better, but sometimes I just feel like my problems are nothing compared to other people. And then I feel horrible again.

I wish I could rant about my crush without revealing who it is.There's a lot of stuff I'd like to rant about but it would reveal too much about me. I know I'm pretty secretive, but I have a good reason for that.

See, I've tried letting someone in completely. Not hiding a single damn thing from them. Telling them everything, and I mean, everything. I thought we'd be best friends forever. I'd go to the ends of the earth for her. This is the same person who's my ex best friend. I've tried to pretend that it didn't get to me, but it has. More than you'd think.

What good did it do me? None. She used me. Gossiped about me. Spread fake rumors. And all she has to say to or about me is bitchy comments. I hate her. Hate her so bad I wish I was allowed to kill one person, who would be her. She's so shallow, so typical, I can't even hate her that much.

I hate myself for being so attached to her, to still be willing to patch things up even if I'll be walked over like a doormat. I hate myself for not seeing what type of a person she is sooner. And I hate that I saw what she is, but didn't distance myself from her sooner. I have no one to blame for this mess but myself.

And rejoice, readers of this rant, for I'm out of steam. Can't rant or type anymore. But am still very depressed. I wish I could just forget everything and get insomnia and wake up in some godsforsaken, remote village somewhere, anywhere. And start over. No more crushes that slowly kill me inside. No more friends that would do to me what an enemy wouldn't. No more depression and mood swings. No more of this stupid life that's become a soap opera.

Don't worry, I can't kill myself. Don't have enough guts. And I think my family would be sad. Not to mention my little brother. I'd miss him if I died. Actually, dying would be worse. I'd have forever in the Fields of Punishment to despair over my choices in life and wish I had told everyone the bare truth. However much it hurt.

It's stupid of me, I know, but I wish something terrible would happen to me. An accident or kidnapping or something. Something to put everything into perspective and change the selfish, spoiled way I look at everything. Something to make me feel that this rat race is worth it. Something to show me that this, what /i call a rat race, is nothing relatively. Something to show me how selfish and uncaring I am, and change that drastically.

Or a road accident that makes me lose my memory of everything. That would be completely awesome.

But would I want to forget the best friend I ever made (and fell in love with) even if it hurts because I know he'll never like me back? Would I want to forget my adorable four year old brother and how I had held him when he was just half a day old? Would I want to forget the air hostesses flirting with said brother? Would I want to forget my dysfunctional and quirky but awesome family? Would I want to forget all the funny and memorable experiences with my friends and family? Would I want to forget 'exploring' (getting lost in) Vienna? Would I want to forget chatting with a friend till midnight (or later)? Would I want to forget sending a postcard to said friend and getting him banned from YWS? Would I want to forget this site and all of the wonderful people on it? Would I want to forget my strict English teacher who's always been not so harsh with me and believed in me? Would I want to forget my awesome librarian who let me bunk English (different teacher) with a friend while hiding under her freaking desk? Would I want to forget a reporter mistaking my principal for my mom (long story)? Would I want to forget every single damn thing that's ever happened to me, good or bad?

After that insanely long paragraph, I'm not so sure. If only it made me forget my crush or whatever this is, if it made my feelings go away, then maybe. A friend once told me that it's impossible for him to remember an online acquaintance till his deathbed. I completely agree with him. If only first loves were as easy to get over and forget.

The problem with this crush is, it has nothing to do with his appearance. Nope, I'm head over heels for the person he is. And that's a million times more dangerous.

I know I'm still young.
I have a full life left ahead of me.
But honestly, he's too perfect to be true.
And it hurts. It really hurts, because no matter how many times he tells me he loves me, it can never blind the fact that we can't touch each other.

I hate to sit here and feel depressed over this, when my close friend cannot even live his life freely because of society and his parents expectations. I hate sitting here thinking of my own problems when he's stepping closer to the line of suicide.
He as attempted already
And I wasn't there to help.
Why? I was too busy crying over my pathetic problems.

I feel as if my rant isn't quite as important or meaningful as those of the users above me but my dilemma is this:
I want love.. My life is great as it is now. I've been blessed so greatly. It feels like this is the one thing kinda missing. Maybe I'm just crazy. I AM fourteen so I could just be overly exaggerating the situation. There was this guy this school year and I was CRAZY about him. But my sister did not approve... My friend's boyfriend is buds with him and talked to him for me so *the guy* wanted a picture of me so he could see what I looked like. Then I realized there were only 8 days of school left. Which SUCKED. So I couldn't do anything about it and I never was able to say ,"hi" or introduce myself. And my friend (another one; not the one with the boyfriend) who is also friends with him was standing with me talking to some other girls was telling the other girls how everytime he walks by he hugs her and I just kinda stay there and stare and that it tortures me and I know she was just joking around but you know, have a little discretion or some sensitivity! That really hurt. Because she KNEW how much I cared about *the guy*. I hate that feeling of just standing around unable to say anything to the person that I have feelings for. I just want romance. To be swept off my feet and for it not to be unrequited. Is that so much to ask? I don't know. Maybe I'm just wasting my time.

So tonight was the night of my eighth grade graduation. I know it's not a big a deal as, say, high school graduation, but it was important to me. It was my first big school event. Plus, afterwards, I was going to go to my first ever not-hosted-by-mine-or-my-parents-friend's kind of dance. I wasn't planning on dancing, but everyone said that it would be fun to just go and hang out. So I decided to pay the money to go... right? Then, the graduation happened. Now, you have to know that I am a total, complete clutz. I trip and fall in every type of shoe and tonight I was only wearing the tiniest of heels. So I got through the ceremony without missing a beat--I didn't trip, I stood when I was supposed to, I did everything I was supposed to do. So that ended well. I got a ride to the after-party/dance from my friend Taylor. We got there and it was a little awkward at first, but then everyone kind of warmed up. So now... we finally get to the point of this whole thing. My friend decided she wanted to go over to the chocolate fountains. Or maybe I did. I don't remember really. So we went over and I was EXTRA careful--because I was in a white dress. Can anyone guess where this is going? Well, I stood there and I stooped over my plate and the table as I ate one, tiny piece of chocolate covered cake. Then, I went back to my table, where one of my other friends proceeds to tell me "Um... Riley you have a little chocolate on your dress." I look down and guess what? There's splatters of it everywhere. In all the wrong places. So I was totally mortified and I sat down to try to hide it and I asked my friend if I could borrow her phone to text my mom because (stupid me) I left mine at home. So I text her and wait ten minutes... no reply. I text her again and again... no reply. Finally I go over to Taylor's mom who happens to be chaperoning and asking if I can call my mom. She says yes, but that I shouldn't leave. She tells me I should try to clean it up with some napkins. So she gives me some napkins and they're black. So, when I try to wipe up the chocolate after she got them wet, the chocolate stains become giant black wet blobs. Great huh? So my mom finally shows up to get me and then I'm even more embarrassed because one of my teachers had to come and check that I wasn't getting kidnapped. So... yeah... graduations pretty much sucked. I don't think I am ever going to another school dance.