The Great Review Challenge of 2012

Hi!

Okay so I like this but I wish the presents weren't quite so blurred as they're prettier than the ornament (which kind of scares me) and it would be great if those little twinkly parts were exaggerated just a little more and they became the focus of the photo. Actually, I'd have loved to see a downward shot from behind santa, on to the presents (and not just because he scares me, honest!) because that would have given you some great lighting and removed the issue of the background. Which is just causing issues. The tablecloth/ tea towels side isn't so bad but the wall in the top right corner really distracts from the overall composition.

Also, not sure if that's a cupcake or a santa sack or something, but that second ornament would have looked better from a different angle. It's very flat from the front and not very interesting.

Good luck with the contest!

Heather xxx

Hai! Okay so I should be working now, just so you know, but I likes me some poetry which means I'm going to review this instead ^^

Title: It's cute, it's punny. It suggests that if I'm looking for a serious poem I should look elsewhere, but if I want something that's light and either funny or sweet, this might be the poem for me. So I click through and sure enough it's a cute little poem! In other words, good job on matching title and poem, it's surprising how many poets slip up there.

Stanza One:

Your use of 'sat' in the first line is very weak. Try to avoid using the first verb that occurs to you please? Poetry is all about the strength of your language and you should never use a simple verb where a more interesting one would serve you better. Here you could use something unusual like 'close' which gives the impression that they're huddling together or you could have 'sleep' which personifies the presents.

I'm not sure about your use of entwined, it feels a little too old fashioned and out of place. Maybe 'grouped' or 'knit'? Of course then you'd have to change find as well, but I think that last line sounded a little forced anyway. Oh, if you used knit, you could have something like 'for a very special gift'. I'm loving the half rhyme with face and wait by the way! You should do that more. Half rhymes are far, far better than simple ones.

Stanza Two:

Really awkward first line! You can't delve yourself, or you can, but uh... why is she searching herself? I know what you mean - look amongst the presents - but why didn't you say that then

Close and rose, a very nice imperfect rhyme again. I'm not sure about portrayed though, once again there's that feeling of being out of place. You're mixing very simple language with words that are tricky or almost archaic. Entwined, delve, portrayed. I'd say all three of those need to go. They have no place in a children's rhyme which is what this feels like to me.

Stanza Three:

I don't like the second line, it's very fragmented and handed just sounds far too rough. Also, modest is questionable. Not sure the word fits with the feel of the poem. Maybe something like 'holding a red ribboned gift'. Then the rest of the stanza is boring. We don't want to know about his smiles and the swift is obviously forced to fit the rhyme. Throw in some imagery! Maybe describe the gift? That would be nice.

Stanza Four:

A sweet ending, it could maybe be polished up a little though. Take a look at your word choice and see if you can't brighten it up more. For example, spot is a very mundane word and gives no sense of place or surroundings, which immediately under-cuts the importance of this 'spot'. Try 'hearth' or 'They always met beside the tree'. Just something that's going to provide more of an image and setting for the reader.

Overall

A sweet Christmas poem! It could use some work but it's nice and I think it would fit well into a children's book of poetry.

Heather xxx

I'll make points as I come to them so this is all in chronological order which should help you find the parts I'm talking about!

Over-state

Articles are always more exciting when the writer exaggerates or over-states a point to show their enthusiasm on the subject. What reader wants to hear about something that was almost more bloody than the second world war when you've just told them that the second world war was bloodier? Instead of saying it was 'one of' the most interesting chemical experiments of the war, say 'This chemical experiment changed the outcome of the war' or something to that affect which still manages to be arguably true. I don't know enough about this to make the statement for you, but you get the idea; no ifs and maybes!

Tips for Saving Words

Where you say 'de Hevesy took charge of concealing the medals' you're being very wordy. You could save words and make it snappier all in one go. How about 'de Hevesy concealed the medals'.

Then the next section you have 'de Heversy suggested something a little more audacious' which could be 'something more audacious' which is again more concise and has a stronger impact. Often when we're forced to stick close to a word count, it's a help and not a hinderance because it makes us transform our usually lazy text into sharp, precise sentences.

Avoid Repeating words or sounds

This is a short article composed of short sentences so those repeated words or sounds really stand out. It's not a problem when done for effect but one instance I noticed was, 'makes it, appropriately, a member of the "noble metals"'. Try saying that really fast ten times over. Or even just at a normal pace in front of a class. Yeah, maybe try: 'makes it, appropriately, a metal of the "noble class".'

Then you have 'gold into solution, so he prepared a solution of Aqua Regia'. So you've already used concoction which I'm sure is why you balked at the idea of changing the second one as well, but you can do it without getting too silly and technical. When exchanging one word for another, only go more complicated occasionally. It is actually much easier and more effective to go less complicated and pick out a simple word. For example, this could become: 'to coerce the gold into liquid'.

Make it Sound Exciting

This “royal water” is a mixture of not one, but two acids – one part nitric acid to three parts hydrochloric acid. The nitric acid is able to prise a few gold atoms from the surface of the metal so the hydrochloric acid can strike and trap them in solution as AuCl4- (chloroauride ions). This gradual trickle of gold atoms into solution is not a rapid process, but for de Hevesy it must have been agonisingly slow.

You have this great, fantastic potential in a paragraph like this but where are the sparks? Where are the fireworks? What you have here is a battle and you're describing it as though it's a day at the park. And the first soldier comes in with a cut to the belly while the second man grabs him from behind. It's a sideways thrust that finishes the job and spills his guts on the ground. No. Pretend you're writing a history paper instead of a chemistry one for just a moment and see where that takes you. Oh and tie in the next paragraph too. Play with the urgency. This is a story and those bad guys are getting closer but our hero can do it, can't he?

Overall

It's good! I've learned something new today and it's a very interesting discovery. It's also great how you tied in the heroicness of the act and the statement at the end about them getting the medals back to the original owners? Perfect. This has every element of being a great story already here, it just needs tightening up in a few places. Good luck with that!

Heather xxx