Part One
Anthony Simmons trudged through the snow, glancing up on occasion to glare at the Christmas decorations that surrounded him.
You have two choices here, and it's one or the other. Both 'glancing' and 'glaring' signify a different approach of how a person sees something. When a person glances, it's usually brief but when a person glares, it's fixed and intense, which can also be eerie depending on the person. I've had friends who claim when I'm off 'in my own world,' I develop an intense but vacant stare, and my head is usually straight, expressionless and oblivious to everyone around me. The other glare I do, is on purpose, and revolves around when I'm perturbed or angry. I've caught myself staring intently at a person, and if you excuse the cliché, my vision burns into theirs. Along with this type of glare, I'm frowning or sulking, and my eyebrows are furrowing. Other body postures are present but those are my facial features with my moods. So, in reality, there are two types of 'glares' I'm aware of - one, the vacant and two, the purposely fixed expression of a glare.
Having 'glancing' and 'glare' in the same sentence is confusing, and is cluttering up the sentence, not much, but enough where it was distracting for the reader. If I were Anthony, and I was mourning, the very least I would do is glare at an object that would trigger heartache. I would probably be apprehensive and only glance at the decorations on occasion.
You're probably already aware, but for reference, here you go; taken from dictionary.com:
glare – v.
1. To stare fixedly and angrily.
2. To shine intensely and blindingly: A hot sun glared down on the desert.
3. To be conspicuous; stand out obtrusively: The headline glared from the page.
glance – v.
1. To direct the gaze briefly
I personally would negate (rule out) 'glare' and just use 'glancing' as it seems to fit better with Anthony's plight.
Everything around him seemed so cold-the snow, the frosty air, the memory of Elise.After 'cold,' I think a semicolon would work better and after 'air,' put the word 'and' after it to make the sentence run smoother.
The knuckles were cracked and red, but the rest of his long, slender hands were as pale as death. The dirt caked under his cracked fingernails sent a sharp pain through his heart, reminding him of Elise and how the one thing she insisted on was clean hands. She wouldn’t let him touch her or kiss her until he had thoroughly scrubbed his hands to the tune of “Yankee Doodle” under her supervision. Satisfied, she would pull him into an embrace and a kiss, leaving his mouth tingling with the warmth of her lips.
For the first sentence, I personally don't recall a person having long or slender hands, and I People Watch as a hobby. Maybe someone may have large or wide hands, but long? The first image I received was Anthony's fingers were spindly and his hand was narrow; bony almost, but that was just the impression I was under when I read the first sentence, and with 'pale' and 'death' intermixing, it improved my first impression with his narrow hands. I'm assuming bony and narrow hands were not your intension, so maybe try rewording. I would give you examples but I actually have no idea how Anthony is suppose to look, and so I'm afraid to interfere with your mental image. If anything though, a minor suggestion; most men's hands are more broad, and their fingers are more pronounced unlike a woman's'.
The rest of him had fallen into disarray. His clothing was disheveled and his once clean-shaven face was rough and scraggly. His thin lips stretched across his teeth in a permanent frown as if a rubber band was holding them taut. His dirty blonde hair was strewn about his head as if he had just gotten out of bed that morning. But the most changed was his eyes. Those once-content, gray-blue pools had a hunted look to them, like he had searched long for something but never found it.
Now, the main reason for quoting the paragraph is that I'm encountering a lot of over-description in your paragraphs, which is something I have to overcome myself. However, there are many solutions to achieve Anthony's appearance, without dumping information in our laps. Remember the cardinal rule, show and don't tell.
Alright, let's examine the second sentence, shall we?
You inform us that his clothing is probably tattered, if it's loose-fitting on Anthony, and it probably has a faded appearance about the clothing but rather then telling us, why not show that Anthony hasn't shaven in weeks or months, and that his clothing is disheveled. A couple of examples:A waft of a chilling breeze came, and stirred Anthony's clothes. He wrapped his rags of clothing tightly around him, and Anthony scolded himself bitterly that he had allowed his clothes to become disheveled. Anthony reached, and cringed when he felt the oily strands of his blond hair. Nonetheless, he combed back his locks, and scolded himself again for letting his hair develop into disarray.
This was only a rough example, but my intension was providing a visual example. If you look at mine, I don't directly mention Anthony's hair is dirty, nor do I mention right away that his clothing is disheveled. Instead, I attempt to bring the reader into Anthony's plight by using natural elements, and capitalizing on the bitterness he has to be experiencing with the memory of his wife.
Also, instead of telling the reader that Anthony hasn't shaven in a while, try something along the lines such as this:
The cold air caused the atmosphere to become dry by absorbing the moisture from the air, and eventually Anthony fell victim to Mother Nature. His cheek itched annoyingly, and instead of ignoring the sensation further, Anthony brought an index finger to his cheekbone and scratched the stubs of facial hair around his chin. It has been weeks since Anthony shaved, and now it was beginning to show, he realized. His chin was coarse now.
Again, another rough example that I just thought of the top of my head but instead of saying, 'his once face was rough and scraggly,' I forced Anthony to move a finger, and showed the reader that it has been a while since he last shaved. Also, since I'm under the impression, he is outdoors, I'm using natural elements in my favor to show Anthony's appearance. Pretty cool, huh? I think writers overlook the seasons, and become fixated on description with a character.
In Bound for Glory, when I was writing the Boston Massacre, the day was unbelievably freezing according to historical records. So, knowing full well what it's like to be bitter cold, I used the environment to show how my character was coping with the winter, and his feelings towards the events happening.
Another minor example how I used my environment to show my character:
I tensed, and felt the hairs on the nape of my neck prickle. My left hand began to shake and I clasped it with my right. Nature's fiercest elements became obsolete and I mentally ignored the stinging sensation in my cheeks, ears and fingers. I wanted to rush and grab mum to safety but the fear of being shot on contact temporarily paralyzed my legs.
In this paragraph, I briefly mention 'Nature's fiercest elements' but I describe a 'stinging sensation, and the locations of that numbness, but without directly mentioning it, you may or may not sense this character's dilemma. However, I showed fear gripped movement because of the possibility of being killed outweighed this character's desire to aid his mother.
So, my point with all the examples is show readers; draw them into a character's plight without dumping information.
His thin lips stretched across his teeth in a permanent frown as if a rubber band was holding them taut.
This sentence confused me, especially with the stretching of lips across; I originally thought Anthony was smiling, and I find out that it a frown. I think the word 'stretching' threw me off because when I stretch an object, it's usually pulled into a straight line. A frown is, as you know, is when lips curve downward. Though I love the imagery, I think 'stretching' is conflicting with the frown.
Maybe, 'His thin lips were pulled in a permanent frown, as if a rubber band held them taut.'
Heh, and now the grammar with this sentence. After 'frown,' put a comma after it, and instead of 'holding' use 'held' since this story is past tense.
Snowflakes had gathered on his eyelashes unnoticed. Swiping them off, he finally reached the outskirts of town.
Hmm… If Anthony is deep in thought, which is probably the case, I still find it unrealistic that he wouldn't have noticed snowflakes on his eyelashes. One, well… snow is cold, and while it melted I assume the traces of water would irritate his eyelashes, forcing Anthony to brush the drops away.
Remember how your body reacts to certain situations, and incorporate them into the character.
Veering left, he trudged toward the graveyard.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with this sentence but I do have a minor nit-pick, and I hope you don't mind my suggestion. Instead of 'graveyard,' why not use cemetery? I'm assuming Anthony is in his thirties at least. Would an adult use the term, 'graveyard?' It might be something to ponder.
And with Part Two, you might see something on age and vocabulary with Anthony. 
He stumbled like a drunken man through the rows of stone sentinels until he reached her grave. Removing his cap, he clunked down on one knee, then the other.Great imagery! Absolutely awesome! I could see a row of gray headstones filing in different locations around Anthony, and then he drops to his knees to find his wife's stone. I could see the grief and uncertainly upon his face, so kudos to you by bringing into the cemetery with Anthony.
Tears slipped down his frozen cheeks as he gazed at the marker:
Again, there is nothing grammatically wrong with this sentence but being the opinionated person that I am, I have a few suggestions.
Before I move into those suggestions, would Anthony cry immediately by looking at the stone or would his memories engulf him first? I think to add flavor to this scenario, describe Anthony's memories, and then when he's coherent again, then put 'Tears slipped down his frozen cheeks…'
By this tactic, (if you want to call it that) readers will learn about Anthony and his family, right up until his wife and daughter's fate, and then adding 'the sadness factor' will have more of a significance, rather then having Anthony cry immediately.
Now, the suggestions, or rather my opinions: All people mourn differently, this is true, but not every person cries, unless that's their trait. What I'm getting at is, rather then jumping into the past immediately after Anthony sheds tears, I'd be very curious to know what is going through his mind, as soon as Anthony drops to his knees. To do this however, you might have to use the First Person point of view, but don't hold back. He obviously isn't handling a four year death to his family lightly, and I think if you show us his first thoughts about the headstone, before jumping to the memories, it will add to Anthony's character.
Although, I'm a minor hypercritic, I do have character that cries quite a bit but I show what's going through that char's mind through dialogue and body postures, since my POV is in the First Person through a boy's eyes. To further on this character of mine, he has had a difficult past, like Anthony, but I don't always jump straight to tears. Instead, I show how this character reacts, and if tears come, so be it, but it's never forced by me; it just happens.
Another example from one of my stories (since I'm a visual learner and that's how I teach; visually), shows how this same character of mine reacts accordingly to death:
Samuel, the man I was about… I was about… Well, my victim was a British spy; a soldier fighting on our side, but he was secretly discussing plans with the French. He had suffered a tremendous amount of abuse already but I was ordered to carry out the Serjeant's command. Whilst I was kneeling and my arm still raised, I looked into the man's perfect eyes, and said a silent prayer, for even in War, Samuel, no person should have to endure staring into Death's Eyes. Tears…," father gulped. "A few tears dripped from the only part of his body that had not been beaten and battered. My hand was suspended, and I heard the Serjeant's shouts to obey orders or I would be branded next as a traitor. With my right hand, I fingered the cloth into a blindfold, and placed it over his eyes. Without thinking, I slammed the blade down. My countrymen's head rolled and I watched another stare blankly."
Father moaned again and brought his right hand to his forehead, rubbing it and shaking his head.
"Are you going to cry, Father?"
"I am very close. I am a murderer," he muttered.
As you can see, this character is having some difficulty talking but with this character's memory, what do you think he is feeling; remembering an execution that this character was responsible for? *nods* Yes, whatever you thought was probably the same going through his mind right before this character slammed down the weapon; another example of show, don't tell but hopefully you get a glimpse into this char's mind. Notice too, I waited until after the memory, and then the character admits not only is he close to crying, he thinks of himself as a murderer.
Instead of having Anthony cry right away, show us what's first going through his mind when he's looking at the headstone, and then shift to the cause of death.
Elise Marie Simmons
Beloved Wife of Anthony Simmons
Sunshine on a Cloudy Day
Born June 23, 1978
Died December 23, 2001
I apologize if this inscription has/or had significant value to you personally, but for someone who observes cemeteries as a hobby, the bolded part seems wish-washy. It just doesn't bring home how special Elise was to Anthony. The bolded area also seems a bit cliché too.
The headstones I've observed were all from the Eighteenth and Nineteenth Century, so of course their views on death were much more vivid then what we Americans display today. It's actually pretty mind-boggling what an Eighteen Century person felt about death but anyway, I'm going off track.
Instead of 'Sunshine on a Cloudy Day,' here’s a few suggestions:
-Angel from Heaven, go rest
-My Guardian Angel
-I miss you, (name here)
-From the Heaven, to the stars, She watches
-May your travels lead you into Grace
-Remember me
-Her husband is patiently waiting…
-When treading upon me, remember my family,
in which I left behind
Those are examples, but they are all related to engravings I've observed. Not precise engravings, however, but very similar while I tweaked them. (I'm a little eccentric with cemeteries, and I believe stealing an inscription to be used for my own personal benefit is misguided and wrong, but feel free to use my examples if you want. They were changed).
Rose Therese Simmons
Daughter of Anthony and Elise
Short-lived but Long-loved
Born May 16, 2001
Died December 23, 2001
I actually like the 'short-lived' and 'long-loved' expression. It fits her headstone and character perfectly.
I'm assuming if Anthony Rose's DOB and DOD is under Elise's, headstone, the two were buried together? Just wondering.
“Elise-Rose,” he murmuredI think mutter would suite this situation better. A person muttering means they're talking softly or in a near whisper. In this same paragraph though, is Anthony still crying or has he stopped? We're missing details as readers.
Just remember; show us, and not tell.
As for the memory, I'm afraid I've run out of time, and so I won't be able to finish Part One. Part Two, I'm sure you'll stab me with a fork, but there's a lot that can be done with the character development. Right now, I'll briefly mention that the story, to me, is emotionless, and its not persuading me to feel remorse for Anthony. Also, the story seems forced, meaning it appears that Anthony is forcing his emotions upon us, which makes the reader, (me), resist. I'm sure this wasn't your goal and you want readers to feel a sense of sadness for Anthony but as they say, time is against me.
I will finish up, but I'm not sure when I'll find the free time this or next week, and I apologize. Till then, I hope this critique will help, and I really hope you get published.
Like I mentioned, I enjoyed myself reading, and I'm curious about the tragedy. Keep working hard.
Lol, you're lucky. I shall return momentarily to crit. ^_^
