Paper Cups

Little paper cups
sitting all about the room
and not a drop to drink in them
but the retreating moon,
and so, in dregs of coffee
black and gone,
I drink to you, my far-way love,
and bid you ramble on.

This is really good. The lines rhyme and flow well, with balanced syllabic content, and I don't see anything grammatically wrong; I think that the overall format is good. Also, I like the way that you use paper cups as a symbol. It's creative. If you want to expand on this, maybe just lengthen the poem. Try to maybe add a bit more feeling, like the emptiness you feel when you look at the cups. Also, there are never too many metaphors and similes. Good job, keep it up, and I hope my review helps.

Wow I really like this poem. For me it seems to have so much important meaning behind it for such a small poem. The metaphors you used really help to make it so intently interesting. There isn't neccasarily a need to extend it, but it could easily be done if you wanted to. Great work!

Hey there, Ben!

I’m entirely jealous of you, you know, because I completely fail at writing short poetry—getting that beautiful, nearly haunting essence packed into so few lines. But that’s what you’ve done here, and I think you’ve done it very well.

So, given the shortness of the piece, there’s not all that much to critique upon, though I have an issue with the second half. Let’s take a look at the momentum you make in the first four/five lines, and how that suddenly gasps to a halt at line six. Now, while I don’t think you’ve intentionally placed too much emphasis on rhythm and meter and all that jazz here, I do think that it may show a bit of importance to your reader since it rather subconsciously dictates how this little piece flows. I say it seems to be unintentional since there’s a not a set pattern of beats per line—and that’s perfectly fine (and preferable, in my book) since the content is good. However, the structure of the lines before line six, as I said, gives it a forward push that breaks when we reach

black and gone,

Read this aloud. Decide if you prefer putting the choke here, as it comes through very hard. Aside from the rhythm, I’m unsure if the phrasing of line six is what you want it to be; it seems to indicate that the coffee is already gone before he drinks to her. And while that may stand for some metaphorical purpose (which changes the entire feel of the poem), it’s another one of those deals where I don’t think it was intentional.

The last two lines made me smile—that feeling of distance when you’re alone at night, as you’ve put it so accurately, accompanied by nothing but drops of moonlight. It’s something that I think lots of readers will understand if they’ve ever been in love, since distance is part of life. And the last line, “ramble on,” brought me back to one of my first relationships when we’d spend all night on the phone and I’d just listen to her talk about nothing particular. It’s a very unique sort of bonding, I think, that you’ve captured here. And I like it.

That’s generally all I have for you; I really love this piece and hope you do, too. Keep writing, and drop me a line if you would like another review sometime!

Hope this helps,

-Lumi

I loved reading your poem!! It was short, but it had awesome imagery!!

Re: Lumi

The abrupt stop of "black and gone" is intentional. The coffee (is black) and gone. The poem's narrator has nothing left to toast his "far-way love" with except the sentiment itself, bidding her keep on keepin' on, with the thought itself. It is, I think, a sweet poem--but also somewhat a tired poem. What there is to drink has been drunk, and at the end of the night, all that remains is the thought.

OK, I usually dislike rhyming poems but I LOVED this.
I don't really have a lot to tear up besides that I think instead of 'not a drop to drink in them' should be '...FROM them'.
I think the best part of the poem isn't the imagery you created, but how that imagery let the reader think of a whole scene and story even though the poem was so short. haha I don't know, I just kind of thought of this whole scene to go alone with it and like a specific time and place and everything which is why i loved this so much.
It was really unexpected because I read it and i was like 'oh, another person trying to do the whole taking an everyday object and turning it into something interesting' but it wasnt! I was really different and creative.
GREAT job!

Hey Benway!

Okay, so I loved your poem. It kind of reminds me of "This Is Just To Say" by William Carlos Williams in its apparent simplicity in a common household item, but yet it means more. So it's awesome! It also kind of reminded me of this with its coffee-stained dirty glasses but... uh... that's for another discussion.

The one thing that I didn't quite like is mostly due to an obscenely nitpicky issue: I hate paper cups and hot drinks together. I much prefer Styrofoam in this case. But, as paper cups are also used, then it's okay. But the insulation worth is not so good. =/

Anyway, good to see you on!

I love the imagery! It truly emotes the "longing" and "waiting" feeling. I love the length of the poem as well, it really plays well with emotion portrayed! My only wish is describe the paper cups more, for example; when your done the drink are they crumpled? Are they shattered? Are there any bite marks?. Also, put emotion in the cup to reflect the man in the poem. For example; Are the cups staring and him? Are they sad with him? Are they mocking him? Beautifully written and an incredible idea! You are crazy talented!

This poem is amazing!
In one paragraph how you just took a simple everyday object and made a poem out of it is just so cool! And that's a pretty good rhyming scheme you've got there! I really enjoyed this poem even tough it was so short.
Keep up the awesome work!!
HarryPotterRocks

Ha, well done. Clever indeed!

I drink to you, my far-way love,
and bid you ramble on.

Lovely. Can I ask, does this conform to a style of poetry? I'm not too familiar with poetry at all.

Re: joshuapaul

Not that I intended or am aware of. I'll sometimes employ verse, but rarely do I attempt to or succeed in holding to a strict meter.

I think you can definitely get rid of the first two ands, I don't know the flow is a bit choppy I think it may have something to do with the commas. Of course, my solution would be to banish the commas forever to oblivion but of course you are not me so you wouldn't have to do that. I'd just try maybe editing the line structure a little bit, just tinkering around with it until it sounds right to you. Also this is a little nitpicky but I can't help but notice it:

"I drink to you, my far-way love"

no you don't. Because the whole rest of the poem is about how the cups are empty and the coffee is gone. So what are you drinking exactly? The moon maybe? I guess I could get there but I didn't the first few read throughs I didn't, I got too distracted by the coffee. So if you are drinking moon I'd go for a bit of an overhaul in rearranging and syntax to get something a little more powerful, but maintain the same amount of subtlety. Hope i helped?
Best

Re: perdido

The cups are empty because the far-way love has been drunk to.

Loved it. Coffee is always a good cure for a broken heart