Paper Cups

re: Benway

so let me get this straight

you're drinking something that you are drinking to.

like buying around a whiskey for all your friends and raising your glass and saying "to whiskey!"

also I didn't ask why the cups were empty. I got that

The narrator of the poem is drinking to the "love."

Hi Benway,

rather then having to clarify all this lovely information after, we should have come away with a clear understanding of the more important parts of your poem in the first place. If you have to explain yourself after: it was not clear and the poem did not do what it was intended to, plain and simple.

The tired intention of this poem is lost in the pretentious nature of the poem itself and the fact you've tried too hard to make it "pretty" and not hard enough on having it clear. You've let one hose running and whipping madly about, that being who you're addressing (of course it wouldn't be a hazard if you'd introduced it slowly but I digress). And as it is the closing note of the poem, though it holds not significance through the rest, it's mildly essential you do leave us hanging. Otherwise you provoke unhappy and dissatisfied readers.

Next:

Little paper cups
sitting all about the room
and not a drop to drink in them
but the retreating moon,
and so, in dregs of coffee
black and gone,

Okay, sure. Dull, nothing new but it's consistent. You're taking us on a straight line to the end of the poem which is already a start.

I drink to you, my far-way love,
and bid you ramble on.

Then you toss a fist in your reader's face and turn left abruptly as if trying to evade us. What's the point? Nothing. What's the result? You've left a poem that already doesn't have much to work with in the middle of the street with both legs walking in opposite directions.
It's not a twist, it's uncalled for and irrelevant.

When writing short poems you have to keep in mind it has to stay clean. It will not stand a chance otherwise. It has to flow in thought process and lay everything out in a brief time enough for your reader to hop on board. Then you have a successful and complete poem.

Avoid the potholes on an empty road with lots of space.

Kamas

Re: Kamas

While I appreciate a negative review for its critical perspective, I can't admit that I took anything really constructive from your comment. I'm taken by a general sense that you simply did not like the poem, and employed that distaste as a mood from which to launch into a highly subjective attempt at formal critique, which amounted to more arbitrary remark than useful suggestion. A review for your review, to encourage a more constructive artistic dialogue.

Re: Benway

Suit yourself. I never said I didn't like the piece though I sugar coated absolutely nothing you, but if you wish to toss aside the constructive criticism I put time into that's very much your loss.

Hey there, Benway.

I skimmed down the usernames on your reviews so I know you’ve probably got a lot of constructive stuff going on. I haven’t read what they’ve said, as I don’t want to influence how I approach your poem at all. That said, in the interests of blank honesty, I dislike this poem. I think I mostly dislike it because all it is saying is “Love’s gone” which is all nice and sad and such, but it’s not terribly interesting in the package you’ve given us. For a topic which has (as most topics have) been used rather a lot, you need a kind of punchy hook for your reader. You don’t have this in your poem, more particularly you don’t have any line in this poem which could be considered a hook at all. That isn’t a problem, as such, I certainly write many poems which have no oomph or hold on their own. But I consider these poems bridging poems; they belong between two other poems, as their connector. We don’t have two other poems to balance yours at the moment, so we have to take what you have as a separate, informative piece.

There isn’t much to say about the lines in this poem, they’re short and simple and have no hold beyond the information you’re sending through them. They definitely try to be artistic (“retreating moon” etc) but the addition of a mutated reference “not a drop to drink” tells me not to take you seriously. I understand the symbolism you’re using here (I’m not sure who could miss it) the paper cup is so flimsy and still holds this hot, passionate love, until it’s used up. The paper cups aren’t crumpled and thrown away, they’re vessels waiting in a vain hope to be used again. And the love is gone, because all things go and all we can do is hold on to what is left behind, the cup. It is neither complex nor particularly interesting. We don’t feel anything for the narrator or his love; we’re fully detached from this poem and the sentiment present in it. What this means is that we (rather, I) don’t care at all what is going on in this poem, or the flimsy metaphor for love being toasted and then thrown.

My suggestions run toward reworking this piece. You need something with more guts, if you want this to be more than a bridging poem. We need more situation and more care.

I’m happy to elaborate on this, just give me a heads up and I’ll come back.
~ Penguin.