The Murder Within

Can I ever escape this emptiness?
I don’t know how to erase these feelings.
All this murdering pain and hollowness.
My broken heart you’re constantly stealing.
What else could you need? You’ve taken it all.
My love, my life, my mind, my heart, my soul.
You killed me because you knew I would fall.
I should have known I’d increase the death toll.
I fear my flame has already gone out.
Blown out by the cold, hating winds of hell.
Terrorized by screams and shrieks of black doubt.
Driven insane by the clear-ringing bell.
No, I cannot destroy what isn’t there.
It’s so beautifully painful, beware.

I'd say this poem is about the feeling of betrayal that someone who was murdered is feeling.
The story is there, though there are a few problems.

Can I ever escape this emptiness?
I don’t know how to erase these feelings.
All this murdering pain and hollowness.
My broken heart you’re constantly stealing.

The flow of this stanza is a bit botchy. Also, 'this feeling' instead of 'these feelings' would help with the rhyme.

What else could you need? You’ve taken it all.
My love, my life, my mind, my heart, my soul.
You killed me because you knew I would fall.
I should have known I’d increase the death toll.

This stanza could've been broken down into two.

No, I cannot destroy what isn’t there.
It’s so beautifully painful, beware.

One more syllable on the last line would of improved the flow.

Hey!

I liked this a lot it seemed a bit clique, but here are two lines that just seem forced.

Blown out by the cold, hating winds of hell.
Terrorized by screams and shrieks of black doubt.
Driven insane by the clear-ringing bell.

No, I cannot destroy what isn’t there.
It’s so beautifully painful, beware.

Other than that I didn't find any issues. But try to make it more unique!

PM me or post on my wall if you have any questions!

-Boo

Really cool poem. I liked it. It didn't seem forced and it just fell of my tongue smoothly. Nice job! I disagree with some of the things that jaetwee said, but I'm not very good at poetry, so I'm not sure who you'd rather listen to.

well short sonnets like these usually aren't broken into stanzas anyway, hence my block format. my rhyme scheme was: a, b, a, b, c, d, c, d, e, f, e, f, g, g. and my syllable scheme was 10 syllables per line. like i mentioned above, this was one of the first sonnets i ever wrote, it was actually an assignment for my english class. there are some lines of it that i don't like, and some lines that i really do. i just need more practice with flow. my normal writing style is freeverse, so sonnets are a bit of a challenge for me, but i do like them.