Cat Steps (draft)

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I stopped running behind a corner, waiting for the assassin to come to me.

So much for not acting like a guard anymore.

Footsteps came from down the hall, slowly. He was waiting for a surprise attack. Somebody to come to him. Thanks to my magic, he’d end up coming to me.

Now that he was closer, I could sense his blades cutting through the air— a dagger and a short sword. Although if his intention was a true one, he’d be losing his dagger soon.

I jumped back to avoid his stab around the corner. My dagger slashed forward and sliced into his arm. Hopefully it was in the right place for a bleed-out. Or able to hinder him.

He attacked me with a roar. I brought my second dagger up to catch his sword. I tried not to swear as I noticed he was wielding a curved blade. It would be easier to hack me apart.

Not that I would let him.

He forced my hand down, causing me to break away. A line of red was on his sword. I’d worry about where he cut me later. So long as I outlasted him, I wouldn’t have to worry.

I blocked another chop at my shoulder. I twisted his blade out and down, letting me have access to his neck. A punch to his jaw, and the dagger along my forearm sliced into his neck.

He dropped.

I sheathed my daggers and yanked his out of the wall for my collection. Pain branched out from my shoulder, reminding me I had been cut.

I pulled out the bandages I kept in my belt purse and began wrapping them around my shoulder. Shoulder wounds had caused me more trouble than they were worth if I didn’t slow the bleeding in time.

It was near impossible to bind my shoulder properly by myself and one-handed; that would have to wait until I could find a healer. But the bandage should stop me from passing out.

I turned to go back to my sister’s room, shaking my head at how close I’d let this assassin get. But any punishment for acting as a guard would be avoided— the assassin had only thirty feet to go before reaching her room. No guards were close enough to have stopped him. Other than me.

A guard’s shadow became visible in the light of the hallway. I slowed. Normally guards were only called after I’d returned to mine or my sister’s rooms. He began jogging upon seeing me. “Ranya and Ghada were getting worried about you.”

I closed my eyes and inhaled, head dropping. Ghada. Of course I had to forget about my two-year-old cousin. I opened my eyes to see my shirt bloody, from both my wound and the assassin’s. But two had been about the age all my younger relatives had seen me after a fight.

The guard paused a few feet in front of me. “I’ll call for a healer.”

“Thank you,” I said, looking up. He nodded and turned, trotting back down the hall. I had stopped arguing guards coming after me once they’d found me collapsed from blood loss— why I bound all of my wounds as early as I could. I still remembered being tied to bed for a week after, because I refused to stay put. That was never happening again, if I could help it.

Ghada had now escaped whatever hold she’d been put under and was running down the hall. I bent down and waited for her to run into me. The dagger I had taken went by the wall beside me. I’d come back for it later.

She came into sight very shortly after and jumped into my arms. “Rini!”

I hugged her as tightly as I could with my hurt shoulder, glad she was burying her face where I wasn’t injured.

My sister came into sight shortly afterwards, just as I was standing up. “I should take her,” she whispered.

Ghada was now sobbing in my shoulder, babbling about how I shouldn’t leave her ever again. I shook my head and mouthed, “She won’t leave.”

My sister sighed slightly and placed her hand on our cousin’s back. “She’s alright, Ghada.”

Her sobs quieted a little, being interrupted with more sniffing. I shifted her weight, preventing my dagger from digging into my hip, and began walking down the hall, Ranya beside me.

~

Ghada hadn’t let go of me completely since I’d taken hold of her, despite being tended nearly as soon as I reached Ranya’s rooms. Even as my wound was being tended, she stayed squished against my side, face buried against my breastband. When she felt me flinch as the first stitch went in, she jerked up and stared at the now-clean cut.

I turned my head to look at her, arm tightening around her body. “I’m alright.”

She worked one arm free, pulling back enough to rub my arm. “You are.”

I smiled and let my head fall back in the couch cushions. She’d learned so much from us comforting her, she was now comforting me.

“Do you want to help me bandage your cousin?” the healer asked in her usual teasing tone. I opened one eye to glance at the woman, reminding her how much I disliked having ‘help’ with my bandages. She just flashed me a grin in reply, making it look like it was directed to Ghada.

The child nodded vigorously and sat up. The edge of a bandage was placed under my collarbone, and small fingers held it in place as the healer wound it around my chest and shoulder.

At least she’d learned and not let Ghada do the bandages herself. Last time a younger relative had helped, I’d ended up losing circulation from how tight the bandages were.

I tapped Ghada on the back, getting her attention. “Get Ranya please? There’s someone at the door.”

She hesitated, only leaving when the healer waved her off. With her curiosity satisfied that I was alright, she bounced off the couch and vanished in Ranya’s closet. My sister was inside, looking for my spare clothes. I’d gotten tended in her room so many times we decided it was easier to have some of my wardrobe in here. But from the amount of time it was taking, I wondered if there were any spare clothes left.

The servant waited at the door as Ranya emerged with a spare shirt. She tossed it to me on her way to the door as Ghada bounded on the couch cushion beside me.

I rubbed the bandages and looked up at the healer, smiling in thanks. She watched as I pulled on the shirt and stood. The door was for me, and I had to look somewhat presentable.

“You’re learning,” she muttered.

I glanced at her sideways. “I passed out two years ago, Kira.”

She chuckled. “And nearly passed out countless times since.” She snapped closed her healer’s bag, ending that conversation. “I’ll see you again.”

I shook my head and walked to the door, her words lingering. I could hear the conversation now. My parents had requested a meeting with me.
Last edited by Rosendorn on Sat May 28, 2011 9:05 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Roooosey! I've read so many versions of this beginning! (Well, maybe not so many. But it feels like a lot). And it gets better every time!

I. NITPICKS

I stopped running behind a corner, waiting for the assassin to come to me.


As a woman of first lines, I like this. But I have to ask, BEHIND a corner? How does one get to be BEHIND a corner? Around, maybe?

Or able to hinder him.


I know this is a fragment, but it still doesn't feel complete.

Of course I had to forget about my two-year-old cousin. I opened my eyes to see my shirt bloody, from both my wound and the assassin’s. But two had been about the age all my younger relatives had seen me after a fight.


I'm really not seeing what you're trying to get at here.

I had stopped arguing guards coming after me once they’d found me collapsed from blood loss—


I've read this three times and I'm still not 100% sure what you're talking about.

The door was for me, and I had to look somewhat presentable.


Oh, I do like receiving doors (that's my way of saying, rephrase, perhaps?)

Okay.

II. OPENING WITH ACTION

I'm not against it. I'm not a huge fan of it because I don't really like action. And it's fine, to be honest. But this immediately raises questions- where she is, who she is, who the assassin is and who the assassin is trying to kill. But a little annoyingly, very few of these are answered. As well as that, we don't learn much about our protagonist. I know from experience that this is Kerani our teenage magical fighter and she's pretty cool. But someone coming to the story first time doesn't know that. I'm just a little worried that in this opening, while action-packed, we're losing some character things that are important if we're going to empathise with her.

III. OVERALL

It needs a little polishing, but it can still be excellent. Just a question- the toddler. Is she serving a purpose? I know, I'm a girly-girl, but I really intensely dislike having little children in literature for the sake of their being there and being cute. It's just pointless. I'm not saying she is! But just voicing my opinion, she better have a purpose!

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella x
"Stella. You were in my dream the other night. And everyone called you Princess." -Lauren2010




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Hey Rosey! :D

Okay, you're going to hate me for saying this, but I actually think you went too fast for this! While it's neat to be dumped in the middle of the scene, we don't really know or care for anybody yet. We also don't know why this is happening. While I realize that you want us to be curious as to who is behind this and everything, I think there is a fine line between excitement and confusion, and I think it's getting closer to the confusion bit.

Why not have Rini and Kira speculate on who the assassin is and why the assassin has come this time? Or maybe talk about how they want to defend themselves better? Something similar to that! That way, you can start off with a lot of action and keep the momentum going, but with more background!

Also, I thought it was a bit weird that you didn't use the little cousins as something to worry about... I think it would make it a whole bunch more dramatic if you had Rini worry about the cousins instead of just forget them in the heat of the moment. That would also give her more of a depth in her character, I think. Maternal instinct tends to do that!

I am excited as to where this is going! :) It definitely looks a lot more trimmed down compared to the last version I read (and didn't comment on)!
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Zohmigawd Cat Steps! :D *glomps*

Nitpicks! ^_^
Footsteps came from down the hall, slowly.


Hopefully it was in the right place for a bleed-out. Or able to hinder him.

I kinda agree with Stella on this one, though I'm guilty of it too often enough. ^^; If you wanted to prevent it from being a fragment, you could combine the two with a dash (--): "Hopefully it was in the right place for a bleed-out--or able to hinder him."

I twisted his blade out and down, letting me have access to his neck. A punch to his jaw, and the dagger along my forearm sliced into his neck.

The repetition of "neck" bothers me here. For some reason. >> Maybe use "jugular" or "trachea" on the second "neck"?

I sheathed my daggers and yanked his out of the wall for my collection. Pain branched out from my shoulder, reminding me I had been cut.

I pulled out the bandages I kept in my belt purse and began wrapping them around my shoulder. Shoulder wounds had caused me more trouble than they were worth if I didn’t slow the bleeding in time.

It was near impossible to bind my shoulder properly by myself and one-handed; that would have to wait until I could find a healer. But the bandage should stop me from passing out.

Geh. Something's bothering me about these paragraphs. Maybe it's the repetition of "I"? At least in the first two paragraphs (but in first person that's sometimes hard to avoid, I know). Or it's the shortness of them. Each one is only two sentences long. I understand we're coming off an adrenaline high, and it's still kinda action-y, but I think it could use a little tweaking. >> Ooooor it could just be me, heh, heh. xP

Normally guards were only called after I’d returned to mine or my sister’s rooms.

I'm pretty sure that should be "my"? >> But I hate these phrasings, too, just for that reason. Hard to remember/decide which way it's supposed to be. xD But if you took out "my sister's" and just had "mine/my", "my" would fit correctly. So I'm pretty sure that's how it's supposed to be? That and/or switch "mine" with "my sister's" so it reads, "...my sister's and my rooms."

I had stopped arguing guards coming after me once they’d found me collapsed from blood loss...

I agree with Stella. The first part needs some tweaking. Probably "I had stopped arguing having guards coming after me" or "I had stopped arguing with my parents about having guards come after me". Something like that.

Ghada hadn’t let go of me completely since I’d taken hold of her, despite being tended nearly as soon as I reached Ranya’s rooms. Even as my wound was being tended,

Repetition of "tended". I tend to be nitpicky about those. >_> lol

And I believe that's it! I'm a bit biased as to how this reads, so I'm not going to go too in-depth on the other stuff Snoik and Stella mentioned. But these basic nit-picks should help clean it up a bit. x3

<3
~Glad
When Heroes fall and the Sacred Blade is captured, can Evil be stopped?~The Wings of Darkness

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Hi, Rosey(: It's been too long since I've read any of your work. I hope this helps and I'm not just rambling.

Nitpicks:
Footsteps came from down the hall, slowly.

It might be just me but I though this line was strange. The slowly was placed oddly, in my opinion. Maybe reword it for crazies like me who can’t understand?

He was waiting for a surprise attack

You might want to make sure that we know that “he” is the MC’s attacker. Just a suggestion.

It would be easier to hack me apart.

Strange wording…but I sort of like it. It gives the reader a little incite on how your MC thinks, the way she (?) talks.

He forced my hand down,

How did he do that? With the curved blade or the dagger, or the hilt of the sword or his magic? Give details(:

No guards were close enough to have stopped him. Other than me.


Because he/she isn’t a guard and has made that clear maybe just say that no one was close enough to have stopped him. Other than your MC.

I had stopped arguing guards coming after me once they’d found me collapsed from blood loss— why I bound all of my wounds as early as I could.


I understand what this is saying but maybe clean it up a little. Say something like: “I had stopped arguing with guards about going to get help after they’d found me collapsed from blood loss. That’s why I bound all of my wounds as early as I could.”

I don’t know if I missed it or if you didn’t say but I don’t know where Ghada is coming from. Is she coming from her own room or your MC’s sister’s room or what? I’m not sure how this hallway is set up.

I bent down and waited for her to run into me.

You can’t run “into” some one, unless you like bump into them or something. Maybe say into my arms?

despite being tended nearly as soon as I reached Ranya’s rooms.

Tended to? And you use it again in the next sentence. It’s a strange choice and it’s a little bit repetitive.
She tossed it to me on her way to the door as Ghada bounded on the couch cushion beside me.


Bounded seems like the wrong word here. When I did a synonym search they were words like surrounded and encircled. I guess it could mean walked but I would put something like hopped or jumped since it’s talking about a two year old.

Conversation? Between Kira and some one else or totally different people? Or was she imagining her parents doing that. Like, I could hear them saying it now, like they had so many times before…

Overall:
I’m very interested in this. Unlike Stella this is the first version of this I have read and it managed to get me hooked from the first sentence. You did a great job with that. There were a few things that I thought were confusing but they are easily fixable and not that huge of a deal. I’d like to know where they are though, are they in a mansion, a castle? I hope you explain that as this progresses. I’m in love with Ghada, she’s adorable from what I’ve seen of her and I love how your MC interacts with her. It’s cute and shows us that there’s another side to your MC a part from the assassin killing part. Please PM me if you post more or have any questions. I hope this helped(:

~peanut~
There is a light in you, a Vision in the making with sorrow enough to extinguish the stars. I can help you.
~And The Light Fades


The people down here are our zombies, who should be dead or not exist but do.
~Away From What We Started


P.S Got YWS?




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Ooooh, shiiiny.

Erm, I'm going to have to second and third Stella and Snoink that this beginning seems to go by really quickly. A lot of questions are raised and not really answered immediately. I have nothing really to anchor myself on character-wise, so I'm not sure what's going on.

On a sort of nit-picky note: the short sentences here felt kind of repetitive. I know that for action scenes, short choppy bits that get right to the point are key, but here, they all seem to be the same almost, just from the punchy yet similar word choices. Just skimming, I feel like I saw the word "dagger" about six or seven times in a few paragraphs. Don't bust a gut looking for synonyms, but a little variation, or just rewriting the action a bit so you don't have to name their weapons over and over again would be nice. There was a lot of "I verbed" "he verbed" beginning the sentences. Break it up a little, vary your sentence structure. Throw in a few lines of description or setting or something.

It sort of feels info-dumpy, without really actually telling us much. For example:
She hesitated, only leaving when the healer waved her off. With her curiosity satisfied that I was alright, she bounced off the couch and vanished in Ranya’s closet. My sister was inside, looking for my spare clothes. I’d gotten tended in her room so many times we decided it was easier to have some of my wardrobe in here. But from the amount of time it was taking, I wondered if there were any spare clothes left.

How much of this paragraph is actually necessary? Do we really need to know that the spare clothes are there? Why couldn't some servants have brought some or something? I can see wanting to set up that she's been hurt many times in the defense of her sister, but this just sort of feels like useless information.

Eh, maybe being a bit harsh, methinks. I don't mean to be. Feel free to PM me.

I'm really looking forward to seeing how this version is going to turn out. After so many Teaser Tuesdays and some previous versions, I am super-psyched!

~Gryph
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First review for you Rosey

I could sense his blades cutting through the air— a dagger and a short sword.

What do you mean by sensed?

He attacked me with a roar.


I sorta get what you mean, but the wording is kind of vague/ awkward. Like you can threaten someone with a roar, but not attack.

“Thank you,” I said, looking up. He nodded and turned, trotting back down the hall. I had stopped arguing guards coming after me once they’d found me collapsed from blood loss— why I bound all of my wounds as early as I could.


How would the narrator know that though? She would have lose consciousness and would have no recollection of the events after she fainted. Unless if one of the maids told her, to which I cannot figure out why they would tell the narrator such useless information.

Overall impressions:

I didn't bother much with nit picks because I felt the problems lie more in the bigger picture.

I'll start with the fight. The fight itself doesn't seem to hold any "oomph" to it. It feels emotionless and dry to me. A big part of the problem is that you don't threat the assassin as an actual threat to the narrator. You ought to give the dude some credit. Someone that has the guts to kill someone of royalty ought to have some skills and pose a threat to the narrator, yet I am amazed at how easily the narrator disposed of him. A slash here, a parry here etc etc and he's dead. Seems effortless to me.

Now for the aftermath of the fight. What exactly does the narrator do with the assassin? How does the narrator react or respond after the fight? To me, it seemed as though she totally forgot about the assassin after the fight. I mean come on, some dude attempted to kill a member of royalty and she acts as though nothing happened? She would much rather bandage herself than to check if there's another assassin accompanying the one she just defeated. How often do assassins raid a castle? Very seldom. So something of this nature should at least catch the narrator a bit by surprise, unless of course if assassination attempts are common there. If that's the case, then I really question the security measures there.

As I read on, I find that the piece really lacks any conflict to make this piece compelling. I like the idea of having action at the start of a piece, but you have to keep in mind that when something happens, there has to be an effect. An assassin has attacked, and everyone is acting as though she is in hospital recovering from a slight injury / getting on with life as usual. There's like no attempt made to follow through from the situation (e.g: figuring out who hired the assassin, what security measures can be improved on etc etc).

That's all I have to say really. I hope this helped.

Andy.
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*frown* Is this the first chapter? I assumed so because of the (1), but I don't really know what's going on.

I think you have something good here, but you use too many fragmented sentences. Try connecting them with punctuation marks.

Overall, this was pretty good, but I think you can do better.
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Love your opening line! LOVE IT!

The first thing I noticed about your story was how it caught the reader. Great job!

Good job on your descriptions. The only thing I saw that could use a little work is your emotional connection.

Keep writing,
~FW~
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hey your stories are great (: your a very good novelist and I hope to see this book in book stores =] you are a very good writer-- lots of details, a few gramatical errors and fragments. I was a little confused in the beginning about who the woman is and WHY she is being chased around by an assassin. What's her purpose? What is she? What's going on? And why are those toddlers there? Just for the sake of being there? Or is there a deeper meaning as to why they are there? Just a few spelling and gramatical errors here and there. This piece has potential and all you havve to do is polish it up a teensy bit mre (: Keep writing, so that I can keep reading. =]



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