Happy Birthday, Teenager

Happy Birthday, my child!
You’re now officially a teen.
And according to the public,
you’re impulsive and obscene.

Forgive this stereotype
of your age group as a whole,
but you're now a sulky misfit
with a dark and violent soul.

You’re a juvenile delinquent
and a menace to society.
You’re crazy, instantaneous,
rebellious, and rioty.

You’re a room-dwelling skulker
and a creature of the night,
who stays out at odd hours
and sleeps when it’s light.

You’re in a constant dark mood;
you’re either upset or you’re mad.
You’re a master of sarcasm—
Gee thanks a lot, Dad!

But even though you’re a vandal
and a spreader of litter,
you’re still the parent’s first call
when they're in need of a sitter!

But even though you’re a vandal
and a spreader of litter,
you’re still the first parent’s call
when they need a sitter!

^^ Favorite stanza, I must admit. Because it is far too true. When I turned thirteen, it seemed a lot of the parents' in my neighborhood wanted me to do odd jobs, especially babysitting, so this is easy to relate to.

scowling acne-ridden soul.

<-- Did anyone else get a disgusting image of, maybe, an alcoholic or something? It was a very disturbing mental picture, eek!

At any rate, I enjoyed your poem, and hope that you keep on writing!!

~Panda;;

sarahjane97 wrote:Happy Birthday, my child!
You’re now officially a teen.
And according to society,
you’re rebellious and obscene. Love this whole stanza. It's a great opener, it pulls the reader in, and best of all, it actually flows! It's not forced (or so I can tell, at least), which is sometimes hard to find in a poem written by a teenager about a teenager.

Forgive this generalization
of your age group as a whole,
but you’re now a sulky and
scowling acne-ridden soul. Not as impressed by this stanza as I was the second, but it is still good and ridden with potential! My main concern is that the last two lines could flow a little better than they are.

You’re a juvenile delinquent
and a menace to society.
You’re crazy, instantaneous,
rebellious, and rioty. One, "rioty" is not a word, and although I am one for using made-up words in dialogue, in verse or sentences, I don't think it really works. Also, same thing here as with the last: try to match up the last two lines a little better.

You’re a room-dwelling skulker
and a creature of the night,
who stays out at odd hours
and sleeps when it’s light. I like this. It really does sum up the norm for a teen, doesn't it?

You’re in a constant dark mood;
you’re either upset or you’re mad.
You’re a master of sarcasm—
Gee thanks a lot, Dad! I like the last line in this. It made me smirk a little to myself. Though if I were you, I would find some way to add one or two more syllables to the third line, as then it would flow a little better (or at least to me it would).

But even though you’re a vandal
and a spreader of litter,
you’re still the first parent’s call (I would change this to "you're still the parents' first call"
when they need a sitter!

Oh, oh so true! The last line, at least. I'm always the sitter, man. It sucks. But, oh well, I'm already home, right?

Great poem. Loved it. Even though it had a few hitches, it was still good in itself, and definitely worthy of another look over or rewrite, as this is one of those that doesn't deserve to be written and pushed aside. It's too good and satirical.

This made me smile (which is kind of odd, considering the subject). The stereotypes are quite true, and you've captured it well. Just about any person can relate to this, but you've done it through a rather humorous way, so it's all the better. I loved the last stanza, as well as the fourth. Well done!

Haha I loved this it was very catch and such a creative idea! I saw nothing wrong with the poem that really bugged me or felt out of place, other than maybe adding more on the end. That might just be me because I liked it so much and I wanted more, haha so whatever you choose.
My favorite part was:
"Forgive this generalization
of your age group as a whole,
but you’re now a sulky and
scowling acne-ridden soul."
It flowed really well and made me laugh Thanks for posting! Great job on the flow of this piece and your rhyming was right on!
Peace,
Snickerdooly

Heyy! This made me laugh, but there was one part that stumped me...

Happy Birthday, my child!
You’re now officially a teen.
And according to society,
you’re rebellious and obscene.

...

You’re a juvenile delinquent
and a menace to society.
You’re crazy, instantaneous,
rebellious, and rioty.

--You use the word society twice and it really stood out for me. Maybe you could try using a different word for society in the first stanza, or the third stanza because...rioty is not a word. I understand you were trying to rhyme, but It just sounds a little funny to me. Other then this I didn't find any edits for you. You did a good job pointing out all of the stereotypes of teenagers! Congrats on the feature! :]
-Jessa

Teee hee hee, funnyness! It's my 13th B-DAY! How silly. I really like the poem. Good Luck.
Brook

Forgive this generalization
of your age group as a whole,
but you’re now a sulky and
scowling acne-ridden soul.

Hmm, the rhythm seems a bit off on the second-to-last line. Maybe "very" before "sulky"?

You’re a juvenile delinquent
and a menace to society.
You’re crazy, instantaneous,
rebellious, and rioty.

I don't think the first "and" is necessary--I think it would flow better if you took it out. (Also, snotty could be a good alternative for rioty, but I don't care as much about made-up words. )

Other than that, I love it. Good job.

I loved this! I can't really think of anything negative to say about it! It's so true:)

Thats SO funny because I just turned 13, an official teenager, myself. So I had an immeaditate connection to the poem. I really liked it, its overall really sweet and simple. Thank you

I loved this The language you used was nice, as you varied your vocabulary. I loved the first verse, it introduced the poem very well and told us what it was all about. I loved this verse

You’re a room-dwelling skulker
and a creature of the night,
who stays out at odd hours
and sleeps when it’s light.

I can relate to that ^^^ I think any improvements have already been pointed out but I I wouldn't change much Keep writing! xXx

I absoultelty adored this piece! It had a really good flow and the imagery worked well. My only thing is that rioty is not a word. Otherwise this was really good, I would love to see more of your writing.

Hey, I loved this. It is something, as a new teen, I can easily relate to. I could just picture it in my head.

Keep writing
JJxVoodo

Also I am new here so I was wondering if any of you critics could take a look and show me how a true writer does a piece

viewtopic.php?t=79955 Chapter 1
viewtopic.php?t=80072 Chapter 2

Thanks so much for the advice, you guys!!! As you can see, I've edited the poem a bit, but with rhyming poems it's always hard to get the rhythm right! Anyway, thanks again for your encouraging comments and support! (:

I looove this!

It's so true. You have all the stereotypes we go through. And no I am not 11, like this thing seems to say. I'm 17. Lol.

Anyway, the last stanza is my favourite. I get that a lot. Lol.
Anyway, do keep up the good work. I don't think I can say anything that hasn't already been said.

X