Young Writers Society

I dreamt of him tonight. It felt so real; I thought that maybe this was reality, but then he walked in. That's when I knew I was dreaming. A sweet dream, I wish I could have it for all of eternity and even longer if I could. I was in one of my school maths lessons; I usually dream things that would make any normal person crave to have a dream like mine, you know nightclub hotties, sexy barmen or the supply teacher being an absolute fitty. Maths? That's not normal, but I guess it is now.

Anyway, he just strolled in like the god’s were lifting him up. With his gorgeous, mahogany windswept hair and his grand, muscular structure. His eyes were so blue they cut deep through my flesh, deep into my sleeping soul, as if it had been shaken to life, and awakened. It was as if the heavens had taken pity on me and sent me his heavenly image, or they were teasing me, because this dream could never exist? What for? I must be the only one to see it, it would drive me insane with passion.

“Excuse me Miss,” he referred to his school timetable “Winter. Reception told me this was my class.” The teacher looked intrigued.
“Yes, umm please take a seat.” Giggled Miss Winter. I thought teachers were supposed to teach students, not fall head over heals for them. Looking at him now, I could see just why she must have felt that way. He was very Handsome!

The girls gazed at him, struck dumb with awe and wonder. Not all of them did, just a large majority of them. They began prepping their hair and fixing their make-up. It was so fast you had to be concentrating to see it. Fixing their make-up was just pointless to them because these were girls that always looked like a dream. The self absorbed ones, the popular ones the ones I had had to listen to day in and day out but never really wanted to. I was too popular for them, but they were prettier by far. He never even took a glace at them.

The girls sighed in defeat. Now came the scary part. He bypassed all the girls and spoke to me. He had just walked into my life, he knew nothing about me. Still, he sat next to me. As all the girls with the puffed out chests, the ones who flirted, the ones that looked the best beckoned to him by pulling chairs out slowly with their feet that were all laced in designer school boots or patting the vacant chair next to them. Well, those were the confident ones, most just gave him that longing look.

“Hey, can I sit next to you?” His thick sexy Italian accent was like a form of hypnosis. His voice was sure and confident. It floated into my ears and flowed through me to my inner core filling my body with a dreamy sensation. Then I realised that this dreamy sensation was lust, longing and love all rolled into one. I was nowhere near being the prettiest girl in the class and almost every girl in the class had an empty seat next to them. He could have sat anywhere, but he sat next to me. He didn’t even know I was one of the most popular kids in school. Or did he?

“Yeah sure thing.” I flashed him a warm, inviting smile. I was more into flirty smiles but the day is still young. I should do something. Something that would make me look more attractive. I puckered my lips a little more, fixed my hair and puffed air into my medium size chest. I had to look at him. It would just be a sneaky glance but I felt like I had to so I didn’t lose the fantasy.

I averted my eyes. He had gone, so had my class room. I was back in my heavily pillowed bed with the silky, netted, pink curtains surrounding it and my duvet that pinned me to my soft, quilted mattress. My alarm was ringing. Ring after annoying ring. Lord, kill me now!


This is just Chapter one of my novel I have been writing for my English group. Hope you liked it. Comment as harshly as you can

Hey,
Thanks for the request. I had practically forgotten about my thread. Thanks for reviving it. I'm just going to jump into the review part and let you know my general opinion and what I liked about it at the end.

It felt so real I thought that maybe this was reality but
This is a run-on. I hate them too, and I used to have a lot of them. You need a period or a semicolon after real. I would suggest a semicolon.

then he walked in and I knew I was dreaming.
Here's an example of a problem a bunch of people have, including myself until English 9. You need a comma after in and before and because you have two complete sentences before the conjunction.

A sweet dream I wish I could have for all of eternity and even longer if I could.
This is a fragment. If you put a comma before dreaming of the previous sentence and tack this onto it, it should be fine. Since this isn't an essay but the beginnings of a novel, you have a bit more freedom grammatically, so it's up to you whether you keep it this way or not. I thought you would like to know anyway.
Also, everything past the and sounds clumsy. I think you should just cut it.

Just maths
Just maths? I thought you were dreaming of the hottie? Try I was in maths. Something better than that example, but you get the jist.

don’t ask me why I was dreaming of maths, I usually dream
Another run-on. I would put a period here instead.

things that would make any normal person crave to have it like mine.
What is it? Pronouns are great but only if the reader is sure what the it is. Is the it the dream, life, what?

the supply being an absolute fitty.
This may just be a dialect thing. If so, don't worry about it. I'll look it up, but I don't know what a supply is.

like the God’s were lifting him up.
I'm pretty sure the gods you mean should be lowercase, unless you mean God, and then you need to get rid of the, 's, and change were to was.

So blue they cut deep through my flesh, deep into my sleeping soul, as if it had been shaken to life, and awakened.
Normally, I wouldn't go on and point out another fragment, but you have another fragment. I think it would sound better if you said, "His eyes were so blue..." Another thing, this seems very dramatic, almost annoyingly so. Keep it to one or two descriptive clauses, combining them even. That should help.

“Yes, umm please take a seat.” Giggled Mrs Winter. I thought teachers were supposed to teach students, not fall head over heals for them.
That's unprofessional and a little creepy. Unless you want a creeper for a character, I would change her reaction.

“Hey, can I sit next to you?” his thick sexy Italian accent was like a form of hypnosis.
His should be capitalized. Unless there is a verb telling us the character said whatever they said the sentence after is always capitalized.
I hope that makes sense...

It was lust, longing and love all rolled into one.
The feeling or his voice?

Lord kill me now!
One, since you're addressing the Lord you need a comma after the name. Two, I don't think it's necassary. I don't understand why you said it, and the last paragraph with out this is great.

Well, you've defintely piqued my interest. I'm not sure where this is going since it wasn't reality, but I do like you character. Not pretty but popular is different.
I think you should be careful and wary of sterotypes. Your pretty girls all seemed too pretty and too concerned with their appearance. It's an easy trap to fall into. Other than that and up above, you did a great job.
There were a few of the same comma errors I pointed out. I'll let you fnd them though. Here's a grammar website that really helped my out. It's not just commas but other things as well.
Tell me when the next part is out, and I'll definitely review.
By the way, thanks for the review on my prolouge.
Megsug

Here to review as requested. ^^

And, you said not to go easy on you, so I won't. (I probably wouldn't anyways, knowing me. xD But okay.)


First of all. Making a story about/starting a story with a dream-sequence: Cliche. Sure, it's interesting, but if you make an entire story about a dream-sequence, then they obviously all end the same - your character wakes up and is either relieved or enraged that it was a dream. Starting a story with a dream, or dreams in stories in general, is cliche. Typically, we encourage people to stay away from it.

Secondly - I know that it's a dream, but your character seemed so... Mary-Sue-ish in a strange sort of way. She's not that pretty, but she's the most popular girl in school, and she's still worrying about why Sexy-Italian-Guy sat next to her instead of somebody else. And... to be honest, I already hate this Sexy-Italian-Guy. Unless he's only part of her dream, he is definitely a Gary-Sue.

He's foreign, he's oh-so-hot (so hot in fact, that he made all of the girls act like flirty robots), and he made the teacher smitten. Not to mention that he sat next to your MC instead of anybody else. But, this is a dream so I suppose I can let that last one slide.

Honestly, I don't know if it's just because she's dreaming, or if it happens in her actual reality, but every girl in the class swooning and fixing their hair and make up because the guy looks good seems a little... extremely extreme to me. Sure, they might shoot him glances, some might fluff their hair (but not everybody) and I'm sure that some would act flirty - but everybody would not. And I'm sure that if they guy's hot enough to make the teacher giggle, something's wrong here. Foreign hot guys = no.

Maybe this is all just because I hate stories like this - the high-school love/drama/angst scenario - but meh. It seemed so overused, so done-a-billion-and-two-times-already. I suppose it has some potential to be something sooner or later, but you need to give your characters a reality-check.

Thanks for the request. ^^

Keep writing,
~~Ish.

Hey, Thank-you for replying. This is going to help me alot. Thanks

JJxVoodo

Hey,
Thanks for requesting a review! I noticed you are fairly new to YWS, so I just wanted to encourage you to keep reviewing other peoples work and posting your own During my review I will nit-pick mostly grammar related things. It's not to be mean, but to help you out in the long run. Now on to the meat of your review:

I thought that maybe this was reality but then he walked in, and I knew I was dreaming.

This is a run-on sentence because then he walekd in is a complete sentence all by itself, so there should be a comma after reality because but is a conjunction that helps combine two complete sentences with the help of a comma. Replace the comma after in with a period and get rid of the and before I knew... To make it sound better change I knew I was dreaming to That's when I knew I was dreaming.

A sweet dream I wish I could have for all of eternity and even longer if I could.

This isn't a complete sentence because there is no verb. I have thought of two ways to fix this, but if you don't like these suggestions find a way to fix it that best fits you:
1) A sweet dream, I wish I could have it for all of eternity and even longer if I could.
2) It was a sweet dream that I wish I could have for all of eternity and even longer if I could.

I was in one of my school maths lessons;

I don't think there should be an s after math.

I usually dream things that would make any normal person crave to have a dream like mine. You know nightclub hotties, sexy barmen or the surply being an absolute fitty.

The second sentence is not a complete sentence by itself. To fix this replace the period after mine with a comma and lovwer case the Y in you. What does surply being an absolute fitty mean?

Maths? Not normal. But it was now.

None of these are complete sentences. You could fix it like this:
Dreaming of math class, not normal, but now it was. (just a suggestion you can fix it any way you liek )

Anyway, he just strolled in like the god’s was lifting him up.

God's should be capitalize and it should be were lifting not was lifting. Were is plural and was is singular.

With his gorgeous, mahogany windswept hair and his grand, muscular structure.

This is not a complete sentence. I complete sentence has both a verb and a subject. This is a fragment because there is no verb. He does what with these features? Think of a way to fix this that best suits your story.

I must be the only one to see it and it would drive me insane with passion.

There should be a comma after see it because you are combining two complete sentences with a conjunction. Conjunctions are words with the help of a comma that combine complete sentences with similar ideas together. All conjunctions include: For, And, Nor, But, Or, Yet, So.

Giggled Mrs Winter.

There should be a period after Mrs. because it is an abbreviation.

But, Looking at him now, I could see just why she must have felt that way.

Never start a sentence with a conjunction because it turns it into a fragment. Only in dire or extreme unavoidable situations should you use a conjunction with a comma after it at the beginning of a sentence. In this case if you just take out the but and comma the sentence will still make sense, and not become a fragment,

He was so yummy!

Is yummy the right word? It just seems to disrupt the flow of your story because up until this point your writing has really been beautiful, and this just seems to bring it down to childish. (Sorry if that seems a little harsh, just my opinion)

Not all. Just a large majority of them.

Neither of these are complete sentences because there is no verb. Here's a suggestion on how to fix it:
Not all of them longingly gazedat him just the majority of them.

The self absorbed ones, the popular ones the ones I had had to listen to day in and day out but never really wanted to.

This is not a complete sentence because there is no verb. How do you wish to fix this?

I was too popular for them, but they were prettier by far. Well, a few were.

Well, a few were is not a complete sentence. If you want to keep it just replace the period after far and lower case the W in well, but personally I don't think it adds anything to your story. I suggest just taking it out.

But he never even took a glace at them.

Never start a sentence with a conjunction; in this case you can just take it away and capitalize the h in he.

Then I realised.

Realized is spelled with a z and this is not a complete sentence; there is not subject. What did you just realize?

This dreamy sensation was lust, longing and love all rolled into one.

This should be combined with the sentence above.

He didn’t even know I was one of the most popular kids in school.

Your main character is sure conceited. What makes her so popular if she's not pretty?

“Yeah sure thing.” I flashed him a warm, inviting smile. Well, at least as warm and inviting as one of my smiles could get. I was more into flirty smiles.

Why do you second guess yourself in your writing all the time? For example: All the girls were prettier than me, well most of them any way. All the girls looked at him longingly, well most of the anyway. etc. It gets kind of annoying for the reader.

I should do something. Something that would make me look more attractive.

Combine these two sentences because the second one is not a complete sentence.

Overall this was very entertaining, and I would love to read chapter two. Now that I have given you some new tools for correcting your grammar before posting chapter two and the chapters after this carefully re-read them, maybe even out loud, and correct what you can, so that more of your reviewers can focus on plot, character developement and things of that nature. If you have any questions or need another view feel free to ask

Have a great day,
Tiffany

Hey, thank-you all for the help guys. I have posted Chapters 2 and 3 as well. I hope you like these or at least think I did better I have edited the story and I hope it is what you all expected of it. Thank-you all

JJxVoodo