Paint (Chapter 2)

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I whacked my alarm as hard as I could. How dare it wake me up! How dare it take my dream away! How DARE it steal that perfect boy from me! It was probably just jealous that he sat next to me. Wait. Did I just think that of my alarm clock? The Looney bin’s calling. They have a room for me.

I threw on my uniform; a deep blue cardigan with a short pencil skirt. Not high enough to make the teachers moan but short enough to make the boy’s heads turn. I always wore my tie short. I liked it that way. It matched me. No I was not a short person and neither was my hair. It just suited me. I can't really explain it very well, I guess it's just a reminder of my brother. He was quite short for his age.

I glanced at myself in the mirror. I would never look as beautiful as that dream made me feel. That boy, he made me feel like the most beautiful girl. Like nothing could compare to the sparkle in my eyes or the smooth waves in my hair or maybe the soft peach tone to my skin. I brushed at my untidy, blonde hair until it was straight with a slight waved like always. It was smooth, silky even. My mum has always said that my hair was what she has always wanted. It was thick and had a wave at the back. It was straight around the front and was the shade she had always dreamt of.

“Leanne? I just got in, sorry I’m a bit late. Hurry up or you’ll be late for school.”
"Speak of the devil" my mother. I loved my mum. I was proud of her in a way. After dad left she had to work twice as hard for money. That was why she was always late in. She was at work from 4:30 in the afternoon until 6:30 in the morning! Well, it depended on the shoot really. She was a model. I could tell where she had been for the past few hours since she got off work. She had been drinking. I could smell the brandy and gin from up here in my attic bedroom. The sharp stench of alcohol was heavy and coated the air almost as soon as mum had entered the house. Mum would probably start vomiting after I left then she would clamber up the stairs and go to sleep in his bed, her expensive mascara caked tears staining the sheets. How could I blame her for drinking though? After all that has happened to us. I really REALLY don’t blame her.
“On my way Mum.” I groaned.

Just then my slim, pink Mobile began to ring. It rang out, loud and annoying. Today of all days. Why did she have to remind me every month? Couldn’t she just let it lie? It wasn't only hard for her you know, it was hard on all of us, but after eight years I have learn to finally move on. That's what they would have wanted though, that they might want. I guess she could just never let it go. I slid the phone into my clammy hands. Her picture was flashing up on the screen. The text beneath read one single word: Miranda. She was my best mate. We met through... the incident.

I jammed my thumb on the answer button on my keypad.
“Hello.” I sighed, deep and long.

“Hey. Guess what today is.” Her voice was sweet but sad mixed together. Miranda was always happy and perky but never on the fifteenth th of every month. She could never be happy this day again. I silently choked back the small sobs of pain and loss. I had to say it straight.

“Eight Years today. Tommy.” My voice was drained and hiccupped. My little Tommy. Well, my big Tommy. Tommy was two years older than me when he was taken and so was Miranda’s big brother. That’s how we became friends. Tommy and Miranda’s brother Jacob were mates. They went to a football training club together when they were nine. A man drove to the club they trained at. It was after practice. He told the trainer that mum had asked him to pick up the boys. He kidnapped Tommy and Jacob. My Tommy. He was just a boy.

I never saw him again. They never found his body. He could still be alive. But, eight years? I’m beginning to lose all hope.
“Yeah. Feels like longer doesn’t it?”

“Yeah,” For a long moment we paused, waiting “Well I’ll see you in school then.” I sulked

“Yeah. Bye.” She hung up.

Miranda was my best mate, the coolest girl in school. It was not because she’s pretty (But she was), it was not because she could always get a guy (Which she could) and it wasn’t because everyone liked her (Which they did). It was because she could get what she wants. She could bully the teachers and students alike. She ran the school with me right by her side. Partners in crime we called it, because that’s what we were. In Detentions together, in trouble together and getting boys, together! Although she was always a little better at that last one!

She was the most brilliant mate I could ever ask for and she would never leave me. We chose what went on. We even turned the Geography loos into our own private office, with appointment sheets and everything. We were the girls everyone wants to be. And we got this when the spotlights were directed at us, the sisters of the innocent victims that were kidnapped. It’s like we used them but I don’t like to think of it that way. I never did.
I hurtled at top speed down the stairs like always, kissed mum night and slid the front door open. I could feel a sense of change in the air. Maybe it was the feeling of love the dream left over me. Or could it be something was really changing?

I made my way to the bus stop on the quiet country road just behind our house. There were a few corner shops there but not much else. It was nice scenery though. The trees that shimmered in the morning sun light and the fresh tarmac road almost glowed with the heat of the warm days that lead to summer.
The bus clattered its way over to the bus shelter. I never sat down at the bus shelter. It was gross; covered in old chewed gum, graffiti and all sorts. I wasn’t about to sit on that monstrosity! URGH! Some people just don’t care do they?

The bus’ mechanical doors shot open. I gradually planted each foot on the dirty, metal flooring inside. I fumbled in my pocket for my bus fare. They smooth coins slipped into my fingers and I dropped it into the narrow change slot. I then took the same blue bus seat I had taken for the past three years.

The bus jerked to life, its heavy body shuddering with the engines. I glanced out of the heavily dusted windows. They were awful, the entire beautiful country atmosphere outside, ruined by silly mucky windows. I hated how such a beautiful sight could be ruined by such a minor thing like that.

The burden on my soul weighed deep, pressing down on my weak heart with each passing breath. The biggest thought on my mind came and slipped into the foreground: Tommy.

Chapter two of my school novel. Please comment and be as harsh as you can, it's the only way I'm going to learn. :wink:
Last edited by JJxVoodo on Sun May 01, 2011 5:50 pm, edited 9 times in total.
Maybe imperfection is the best thing, for without imperfection neither you nor I would be here today.




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Hey,
Thanks for the request. The plot is growing thicker.

Did I just think that to my alarm clock?
To should be of.

The Looney bin’s calling. They have a room for me.
This chapter is very casual. Talking to the reader should be funny, but, really, it just takes away from the chapter and distracts from the real purpose of the story. You could still get this message across by saying something along the lines of, "I caught myself and shook my head. Talking to inanimate objects wasn't a positive." Better, of course.

I threw on my uniform; a deep blue cardigan with a short pencil skirt. Not high enough to make the teachers moan but short enough to make the boy’s heads turn.
A lot of the authors on this website do this, and I don't really think you need it. Your character's outfit means nothing to the plot. Of course, that's just me.

I always wore my tie short. I liked it that way. It matched me. No I was not a short person and neither was my hair. It just suited me.
I didn't really understand why this was in here. You never get around to saying why it suits here. Is it because she likes to be different or needs a way to be special?

She was at work from 4:30 at night until 6:30 in the morning!
4:30 in the afternoon or early in the morning? It could go either way with at night.

Well it depended on the shoot really.
Comma after well.

It rang out loud and annoying.
Comma after out.

Why did she have to remind me every month?
I've never had a family member kidnapped, but every month seems obsessive. Maybe, every year, and then I would make your character make a bigger deal about this. She would make a bigger deal about it even every month if her friend makes a big deal about it every month.

Couldn’t she just let it lie? I guess she could just never let it go.
This comes off as unfeeling. As a friend in the same boat, it's unrealistic.

“Yeah,” For a long moment we paused, waiting “Well I’ll see you later Miran.”
Well, see you later. We didn't just finish talking about our missing brothers.
It's unrealistic.


In D.T’s together
What is that?


Okay, that's what I found. I'm sorry if I was a little harsh.
I'm looking forward to the next chapter now. The plot line is going along nicely, and I'm really intruiged by the brothers missing. Make sure not to make Miranda perfect. That would make a rather uninteresting character.
I hoped I helped. Tell me when the next chapter is out.
Megsug
Test




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Hey, thanks for replying. I really apreciate the help you have given me and don't worry, I need you to be harsh. You are helping me and that's what matters ;) The next chapter should be out soon, I just need to finish some editing.

JJxVoodo
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Okay, first things first. You can post this in the novel section and then edit the novel info. Then the entire novel will all be chained together and it will automatically ask you if chapter two is part of your same project as chapter one. It makes it so much easier to follow the novel and figure out what chapter comes next.

Might I just say I love your writing. I'm not the type of person that likes amazing and detailed writing. I like writing I can relate to and it doesn't make me bored reading it. Instead of an entire detailed paragraph on the person walking across the room (trust me, I've seen it tons of times) I would rather read "she walked across the room." Simple and easy. So thank you for giving me something I actually wanted to read.
Spoiler
I'll start with quoting some things I found:
I whacked my alarm as hard as I could. How dare it wake me up! How dare it take my dream away! How DARE it steal that perfect boy from me! It was probably just jealous that he sat next to me. Wait. Did I just think that of my alarm clock? The Looney bin’s calling. They have a room for me.

This was great. I would totally do this to my alarm clock if I could. Great use of the character and this little scenario tells a lot about her and I feel like I know her even though I didn't even read your first chapter.
“Leanne? I just got in. Sorry I’m a bit late. Hurry up. You’ll be late for school.”

These sentences seem a little choppy to me. I know they're dialog and sometimes they're supposed to sound like that, but when you write you don't want to write exactly how people talk or it just makes your story sound strange. Make people smarter than they actually are. Try combining them together to make your fluency sound better. This wasn't the only choppy group of sentences I found, but I'm not going to point out all the other ones. But sentence fluency takes practice and I don't want to sound like I'm being a jerk.
Speak of the devil, my mother.

Speaking sounds better to me, but that might just be my opinion.
“On my way Mum.” I chirped.

Well I wasn't quite sure what it meant to chip when it came to a person, so I looked it up. It actually means to say something happily. Well looking back at your piece I didn't really see much a "happy" mood portrayed after she just got finished saying her mother had a reason to drink. But I might just be missing something.
The text beneath read one single word: Miranda.

There sound be a colon there instead of a period.
I jammed my thumb on the answer button on my keypad.
“Hello.” I sighed, deep and long.
“Hey. Guess what today is.” Her voice was sweet but sad mixed together. Miranda was always happy and perky but never on the 15th of every month. She could never be happy this day again. I silently choked back the small sobs of pain and loss. I had to say it straight.

This paragraph needed to be spaced out like the rest because each new line of someone else speaking should be another paragraph. Maybe the enter wasn't pushed correctly.
But, 8 years?

Remember that you need to spell out numbers one to one-hundred. It's just a rule of English.
It was not because she’s pretty (But she was), it was not because she could always get a guy (Which she could), and it wasn’t because everyone liked her (Which they did).

When I was in school I always learned that the comma went before the and too, but when I went through high school there were a couple of my teachers that said it could be left off. I just thought I would point that out in case you missed it.
She was the most brilliant mate I could ever ask for and she would never leave me. We chose what went on. We even turned the Geography loos into our own private office, with appointment sheets and everything. We were the girls everyone wants to be. And we got this when the spotlights were directed at us, the sisters of the innocent victims that were kidnapped. It’s like we used them but I don’t like to think of it that way. I never did.
I hurtled at top speed down the stairs like always, kissed mum night and slid the front door open. I could feel a sense of change in the air. Maybe it was the feeling of love the dream left over me. Or could it be something was really changing?

Another one of the paragraph spacing problems.
Okay last one I promise:)
The biggest thought on my mind came and slipped into the foreground: Tommy.

Colon needs to be there instead of a comma.


Overall I really liked it. I especially liked the part where you talked about Tommy and him being kidnapped. A kidnapping always adds suspense to a story. Maybe you'll talk more about it and maybe even find a clue about what happened in the next chapter? I hope:)

I hope all my quoting didn't bore you to death. I want to be an English teacher when I'm older so I love this kind of stuff.

I hope to read chapter three!
Let's eat mom.
Let's eat, mom.
Good grammar saves lives :D




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Hey, thank-you for the help on this. I think you would make a great English teacher ;) With the clues they are going to come later on in the book. Chapter three is now posted. I have put a link underneath. Thank-you again for the help.

Keep writing and good luck
JJxVoodo

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Hey there!

Since you got some pretty awesome reviews for chapter 1, I;m heading here. I think plot wise this was much better than the first one. I don't understand the point of the first chapter. It doesn't seem to give me any idea about the character except that she would love some attention.
There was some sort of reality-element in this, and I did like the brothers' incident. The major area where I think you should work om is description. I mean, no, we don't care how short her pencil skirt is. What we care is how effectively you communicate it without putting it in our faces. This is a classic Show vs. Tell.
Your characters so far are not very interesting, nor are they doing any thing interesting, but in a novel, you can skip that. Just make sure something happens in the beginning so that your readers are hooked in the story. Which is why the brothers bit was good.

~Lava
~
Pretending in words was too tentative, too vulnerable, too embarrassing to let anyone know.
- Ian McEwan in Atonement

sachi: influencing others since GOD KNOWS WHEN.





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Hey, in not too long this stuff about the brothers and the dream will make sence. You will start to get a feel about why I put the dream in the next Chapter. It will start to interset you in the next Chapter.

Keep writing- good luck
JJxVoodo
Maybe imperfection is the best thing, for without imperfection neither you nor I would be here today.



Sometimes poetry is inspired by the conversation entered into by reading other poems.
— John Barton