Roping Dolls

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Roping Dolls



Prologue:

Stacy Heath was a doll. At least, that’s what Johnny Jay called her. Wavy, Barbie-blonde hair, pinkish lips, volumptious body, she had it all. But dolls ain’t so hot dead, and Barbie doesn’t come in a “Hang me Barbie” box. Stacy was stuck in a box, though, after they got the body down from the closet panel.

It’d happened around 6:00 PM, right after homework hour. And there it was, sitting in an organized manner on her desk. Calculus homework, 500 word essay, Psycology terms and Animal Farm, page marked 93.

Stacy’s boyfriend, Mark Anthony, known better as Andy, didn’t show at her funeral. The hanging had a bad effect on him, partially due to the fact that he had been the one to discover the body; Stacy’s cockeyed, lifeless form staring him in the face. Swollen tongue, blue lips, bulging eyes and broken neck-she wasn’t the sweet sisteen-year-old he’d been hoping to bone.

Stacy must have gotten the rope from the garage. Her father recognized it as the substitute dog-leash for Elmo, their Jack Rusell Terrier.

Her father was broken; having lost his wife just three years before to breast cancer.

Elmo went to Beck, Stacy’s best friend, and Mr. Heath moved away three weeks later.

Life returned to normal, until, one stormy November evening, Tammy was found in her closet. Estimated time of death—Between 6:00 and 6:15 PM.


Chapter 1

Beck walked Elmo down her block, arm constantly jarred by the smallish dogs constant jerks. The harsh wind picked up dirt and debris, and blew back Beck’s stringy black hair.

“Back, El!” Beck shouted. “Down, boy!” Elmo moved rambunctiuusly along, uyipping at the occasional stray cat.

“Why I agreed to tak you in, I’ll never know,” Beck said, but she was lying. She and Stacyhad shared everything from milk cartons in kindergarten to first bra-shopping experineces to crushes and boyfriends. Of course Beck took in Elmo, she wouldn’t have had it any other way.

Beck couldn’t have hoped to understand Stacy…And she had always considered herself an expert on the goings-on in Stacy’s mind. Yet the unexpected, morbid form of death still hurt Beck every day, if only for the fact that she couldn’t grasp it.


She had lost her best friend, next-door-neighbor and study-buddy in one clean sweet. Ut was hard to walk by Stacy’s door on the way home, where they had drunk hot cocoa and shared secrets. Beck knew that there was a pair of her jeans in Stacy’s closet, the ones she’d loaned Stac for her date with Andy.

Neighborly rumors confirmed that Stacy’s father had run out with nothing but a single suitcase. The still unpacked house was up for sale.

Beck dragged Elmo into her driveway and up the concrete patio. The dog barked and tried to get away.

“Ugh, Elmo, come on!” Beck moaned. “Just get up here—Stacy would kill me if I let you run off.”

No she wouldn’t, Beck contradicted herself bitterly. But she sure had no problem killing herself.

She pulled Elmo’s leash and he immediately began hopping a round the carpet and chasing his tail.

Beck sighed. She didn’t remember Elmo being this hyper with Stacy. Maybe he missed her too.

The teachers at school sure missed her. They spoke of her once or twice a week, though that didn’t stop them from assigning abhorrent amounts of homework.

Beck considered this: The smell of sugar cookies coming from the kitchen, the call of calculus from her bedroom. Hmmm…

Beck walked into the kitchen. It was warm and cozy, decorated with chickens and farm designs. Funny, Beck thought, for her big-city mother to be intent on designing their home in a modern farm environment.

Sure enough, there was a tray of sugar cookies on the edgy steel stove. Beck smiled, picked up the spatula and pulled off ac ookie. She poured a glass of milk and bit into the sweet cookie. Her mom walked in a moment later.

“Couldn’ hold off, huh hon?” Beck’s mother said, spatulaing the cookies onto the countertop.

“Hmm mm, mom,” Beck replied with vigor as she enveloped the cookie in her mouth and grabbing another.

“That’s all right, me neither,” the other woman said, grabbing a cookie and dipping it in Beck’s milk. “And how’s the mutt?”

“Elmo is fine. I took him on a walk.”

“Hmm.”

Beck finished her cookie. “Well, homework calls.”

“Have fun hon.”
Sure. Calc. Fun, Beck thought, shuffling up the hard-wood floor and up the stairs. Beck’s flight of stairs led to a virtually un-used second floor. Besides the odd storeroom that no one got into for dust bunnies, and the pink-pony guest room, Beck’s bedroom was the only used room on the floor. She liked it that way.

Beck walked across the hall and into her bedroom, then plopped onto her bed. “Carrot,” she called. A small gray kitten meowed on her bed.

“Oh. There you are.”

Beck sighed, and looked at the clock next to her bed. 5:30 PM. She went to her desk and started on her homework.

5:45

Beck looked out her window, onto the road. A man in a black jacket was walking through the rain. His coat was bunched up like he had a tire around his waist.

6:00

Beck was only halfway through her homework. Who even knew what a quadratic formula was? She scrunched her forehead and her hair fell into her face. Annoyed, she grabbed a hair-tie from her nightstand and pulled it back.

6:15

The man was walking back. Beck saw him as she grabbed Carrot off the windowsill. Or was that the same man?

Same black hat and jacket. But he certainly seemed to have lost weight. Particularly around the waist.




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Oooo...creepy.... More?

typos - Psycology should be Psychology

Ut was hard to walk by Stacy’s door on the way home, where they had drunk hot cocoa and shared secrets. It not Ut.

I love the second paragraph of the prologue.

CL
Fraser: Stop stealing the blanket.
[Diefenbaker whines]
Fraser: You're an Arctic Wolf, for God's sake.
(Due South)

Hatter: Do I need a reason to help a pretty girl in a very wet dress? (Alice)

Got YWS?




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First couple paragraphs - Awesome. I love the descriptions and the analogy of the barbie in her "Hang Me Barbie" box. It really caught me.

The rest of it... it's getting creepy on me... I'm guessing you're going the route that says that Stacy didn't really kill herself?

You've got some typos. Just things like:

Misty Lynn wrote:Sure enough, there was a tray of sugar cookies on the edgy steel stove. Beck smiled, picked up the spatula and pulled off ac ookie. She poured a glass of milk and bit into the sweet cookie. Her mom walked in a moment later.


But you should be able to clear most of those out with a good read through.

Two questions:

1) Mark Anthony? Isn't that J.Lo's husband's name? That's what it made me think of, anyway.

2) Who is Tammy? You mention, Beck and Stacy, but I could find reference for any other girl except for the last line of the prologue. It just seemed a little out of place compared to the good-set ups that you were doing with Elmo and such.

I'll come back and give a little more indepth review of this in the morning. Right now, I'm tired and brain dead. But thanks for PMing about this story. It was a really good read.
The robbed that smiles, steals something from the thief. ~William Shakespeare, Othello
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in one clean sweet.


one clean sweep

It was nicely written, Misty, well done. The first few paragraphs were the best methinks as was the insinuation that stacey didn't really hang herself.

~Jiggy
Mah name is jiggleh. And I like to jiggle.

"Indecision and terror, thy name is novel." - Chiko




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i have just a few complaints (all spelling errors aside):

1.
She had lost her best friend, next-door-neighbor and study-buddy in one clean sweet. Ut was hard to walk by Stacy’s door on the way home, where they had drunk hot cocoa and shared secrets. Beck knew that there was a pair of her jeans in Stacy’s closet, the ones she’d loaned Stac for her date with Andy.


for someone who has just lost a person so (apparently) close to them, this character doesn't really seem too cut up about it. she doesn't seem nearly traumatized enough - her best friend has died and she's doing homework and having cookies?

2.
“Couldn’ hold off, huh hon?” Beck’s mother said, spatulaing the cookies onto the countertop.

“Hmm mm, mom,” Beck replied with vigor as she enveloped the cookie in her mouth and grabbing another.

“That’s all right, me neither,” the other woman said, grabbing a cookie and dipping it in Beck’s milk. “And how’s the mutt?”

“Elmo is fine. I took him on a walk.”

“Hmm.”

Beck finished her cookie. “Well, homework calls.”

“Have fun hon.”


this whole exchange seems fairly unnecessary, and i think you could just as well leave it out since it doesn't help to convey any particular meaning. i always think about (i think it was kafka...i have no idea) who said that if there was a nail on the wall of the stage, by the end of the play the main character will have hung himself on it. it's something to bear in mind, i think.

3.
5:45

6:00

6:15


sudden change in structure; a bit of continuity would be more fluid.

other than that, i think it has potential, and look forward to reading more.




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Well... Since I went to bed early and accidentally left myself logged on, I see everyone pointed out all the typos I was about to mention. And yes, Dusky asked, but who is Tammy?

My only other question is did Stacy kill herself or did the dad? I read it twice and couldn't figure it out. Heh, but the end was mysterious and a little creepy. I wonder what the man in the black jumper suit is doing? My first thought it was either a bugler or... Stacy's dad returned and we're about to see a re-actment of King's Pet Cemetery. :twisted: After all. it only stated in the story the dad left the house with a single suitcase. Sure, it may be for sale, but is that going to stop him from seeing his daughter again?

Eh, I'm probably seeing way too much in this, lol. Anyway, besides the typos, it was very well written. The prologue was the best because it really caught my attention. Good work. I enjoyed myself and hope to find out more about the man in the jump suit.
The sadness drains through me rather than skating over my skin. It travels through every cell to reach the ground. I filter it yet strangely enough, I keep what was pure and it is the dirt that leaves.




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Wow that was um chilling, although it may have something to do with the fact that a 12 year old girl i know through friends was found hanging in her backyard not very long again, she was only twelve, stupid bloody text bullies.
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<love> is sweet -suicide- and {[you]} are my LATEST a.t.t.e.m.p.t




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Who's Jonny Jay? The beginning was a little confusing, love the "Hang me Barbie" box idea.
Beck seems more angry than sad. Like she resents that Stacy "hanged" herself.In what conditon did they find Stacy? more detail on the way she was when they found her, and how her boyfreind acted would be good
Other than that, i love it! hurry and finish it.
"no, i don't hate you, don't wanna fight you, know i'll always love you but right now i just don't like you..."




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LOL---there are fifteen more pages and I'd be happy to post them. :P I just didn't want to put too much up the first time. Thanks so much for the crit. FOR THE RECORD:::

I wrote the prologue in Anatomy and Physiology. I was very bored. So that whole but was just me trying to amuse myself, and then I decided to go further with Beck.
you're right. HEVC--you're right, about the cookie thing. But it has been a month. A friend of mine tried to commit suicide and I was devastated for about three weeks and then I started to get over it, despite natural worries. Of course, he lived. Crayon--I sympathize with you. That sucks out loud. Concertchick16-thanks for the read and the tips. I'll definitelly elaborate more about the bf thing. fishr-thanks, I'm glad you enjoyed it. Cagulila and Dusky--glad I was about to creep you out. If anyone who read has something for me to crit, I'd be more than happy.

~Misty Lynn




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It was realy hard to understand , your style was good but you mixed errelavent stuff like the formulas with horrer scenes. Make it simpler and use more dialog, cs the best bit about this story was the dialog .

it would be helpfull if you went to my ULTAMATE RANDOMNESS CONTEST in the contest forum, its fun and could win you a 100 points :D
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Okay, I wrote a really long, detailed critique for this and then accidentally deleted it. :x
But thankfully, I remembered most of the points I made, so wrote as many as I remembered here!
Okay, this was pretty good. Chilling, but good. There were a few things I noticed though...

The hanging had a bad effect on him


This seems like an understatement. Perhaps a sobering or grim effect would work better. Be exact in your adjectives... bad seems vague and general

It was hard to walk by Stacy’s door on the way home, where they had drunk hot cocoa and shared secrets.


It's good to incorporate Beck's memories, but this is very unemotional and vague. Go into detail and use verbs that capture the mood here and it will be powerful and catch the reader's attention

No she wouldn’t, Beck contradicted herself bitterly. But she sure had no problem killing herself.


Brilliant! Loved it!

there was a tray of sugar cookies on the edgy steel stove. Beck smiled, picked up the spatula and pulled off ac ookie. She poured a glass of milk and bit into the sweet cookie.


Firstly, I didn't understand the adjectives 'edgy' Do you mean rugged edges, lots of edges? Picture the stove and brainstorm for a more precise adjective here. Beck pulled the cookie off with the spatula? Er, I don't see someone as pulling something off with a spatula. Maybe scooping, but pulling? Lastly, I suggest substituting 'it' for 'the sweet cookie' in the third sentence because cookie is used in all these 3 sentences and sounds kind of cluttered.

spatulaing the cookies onto the countertop.


Er, spatulating? Is that a word?

as she enveloped the cookie in her mouth


She enveloped the cookie? I suggest looking up enveloped and being sure it is the verb you want. If I remember correctly, it is more of enfolding something, not eating it.

Besides that, this was pretty good. Chilling undoubtedly, but good! Your change in writing format was abrupt, but cool.

The main thing I see as needing work here is your word choice. You're using some vague and very general and common adjectives and verbs here. I'm not saying that's necessarily a bad thing in all situations, but if you're going to dive into your characters' feelings, dive deep and detailed. Use words that capture your mood, not just words that get the job done. Sometimes I felt you were trying to use specific verbs, but they didn't make much sense in the situation, so just go through your piece and think about what words would work better. Other than that, nicely done!

Glad to see you're around again! :D
~ WD
If you desire a review from WD, post here

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I thought you meant 'Marc Antony'...as in Cleopatra's lover, but we won't go there. :P

Ah, Misty, I shall critique when you get on MSN, since I owe you. Big time.
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Read it and proofread it, please. There are tons of spelling and grammatical errors. Since I've read some of your other work, I won't go on and on about the grammatical errors, but you should keep it in mind and correct it, if only for our sanity. :P

I thought the prologue was very catchy. It was written in a quick, quirky way that reminded me more than once of "The Twilight Show." With that said, I think this might be a really cool episode of that show. The first couple of paragraphs are great. But then it gets a little harder to believe. For example, you just skipped over the family's reactions of her death as if it was nothing consequential. But it was. This is making me wonder whether it would be better if you describe it in the first chapter as Beck and just cut straight to the chase from the prologue to the first chapter. Something a little like, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy if that makes any sense.

The first chapter seems like too much dialogue and not enough supporting detail. I'm not asking you to go on this long tangent about Beck's hair, mind you, but I would like more of her thoughts on the suicide and her reactions. Right now, it's pretty sparse on that, or when it is mentioned, it's almost in a morbidly humorous way, which is cutting the creepiness away from the story. If that's what you want to do, then fine, but if it is, I'm going to have to do a completely different critique on making comedy. And comedy is by far the hardest genre to write for...

And something else that bugged me about the story... this line:

Beck was only halfway through her homework. Who even knew what a quadratic formula was? She scrunched her forehead and her hair fell into her face. Annoyed, she grabbed a hair-tie from her nightstand and pulled it back.


If she were in calculus, she would know what a quadratic formula was. Quadratic formula is just algebra 2. By calculus, she would have so much time solving the damned equations that she would be annoyed with how easy it was, UNLESS it was a quadratic equation that used trigonometrical properties. With that said, I think it would be better for her to wonder what the hell an antiderivative was. It would be harder to grasp for a calculus student. :P

Or at least that's my two cents...

Anyway, it is an interesting plot line. Just remember: fix your typos and grammatical mistakes! You can do better!
Ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est.

"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach

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As many have already said, there were tons of grammatical errors, if you proof read your work it will be more easy for the reader to grasp and understand whats going on, i had to keep re-reaing some parts.

The story is really good. I think you should try and use better vocabulary, and experiment with words. Some of the vocab you're using in the story seems a bit to simple for the plot. But you are using some really effective words though just use it more often.

No she wouldn’t, Beck contradicted herself bitterly. But she sure had no problem killing herself.

This line really got my attention.It was really effective, and let the reader see the real emotion of the best friend. And helped us get to know Becky a little more.

Overall i think you have a strong story. I also liked the way you got your story started. The reader realised what had happened quickly but the actually way it was written was not rushed. Hope i've helped :D
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Lots of spelling/gramatical errors, but these can be fixed. I'd suggest perhaps adding a little more description as well as a bit more background info so as not to confuse the reader. I'll go through all of these in more detail, but can't tonight 'cause I have to go to bed now..

~KayJuran~



You never really know how much of you takes residence in other people... We all exchange bits and pieces of ourselves with each other until we're big sparkly collages of everyone and everything we've ever loved
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