Rooted in Defiance

Spoiler

I wrote this for a history project. It's about women's suffrage and women not being able to vote. I hope you like it but please be harsh(: I like harsh.
~peanut~

We watch as our sisters fall.
They slump, attacked by laws and
things we aren’t a part of.
Things the girls are too young for.
Too naïve to play with the big boys.

We grow in numbers and in strength.
A lily, roots planted firmly in defiance.
Our ideas woven out of centuries of
Inability to speak.
Whispers grow to shouts as our voices scream out.

All we ask is to be apart of this:
apart of freedom.
We deserve choices and opinions
as much as the men who childishly shoot us
down when we struggle to stand.

Let us take away your freedom to reason,
let us show you how we have suffered.
Let us show you, as we vote toward the future of us all.

I really like this poem, it is really good. And I can tell that it is about women not aloud to be equal to men. And also I really like this and my favorite part is:

Whispers grow to shouts as our voices scream out.

I like this, good job. And keep writing.

Hi, I loved this piece. It was very stirring and emotive. I thought the last three stanza's were great, but the first could use some tweeking. For me, it didn't flow so well. You definately need to add some comas and smooth the words out a little with some punctuation. But hey, just my opinion. Thanks. Great piece overall. AC xxx

...No way. You didn't do that. You didn't do that.

*reads again*



Okay! Quick word lesson!

apart = indicates a kind of split or separation. To be apart of someone is to be separated from that someone.

a part = to be a participant of something. If you are a part of someone, you are an active participant of that someone's life and you help complete that!

So! Live it, love it, learn it.

We watch as our sisters fall.
They slump attacked by laws and <-- slump attacked? What are you saying?
things we aren’t a part of. <-- The word "things" should be banned from poetry for its awful vagueness.
Things the girls are too young for. <-- Ahhhhhhhh. Stop it with the things! Pretend that whenever you have to use the word "things" you have to write it as "thinkamadoodles." Does that sound serious?! NO. So don't use it unless you're being silly!
Too naïve to play with the big boys. <-- Naive? Are you suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuure this is the word you want?

We grow in numbers and in strength. <-- From what? I want to see the action! Describe the growth and the strength and where it comes from...
A lily, roots planted firmly in defiance. <-- ...instead of having to rely on weird, cliched metaphors like these! You want action? Use powerful words! This is a bit too cliched!
Our ideas woven out of centuries of
Inability to speak. <-- "inability to speak" is the most unpoetic way I think you can write this. You do realize you can do more than this? There's the image of being gagged, of having the tongue ripped out, of being born mute, etc., etc., that would give this poem a lot more danger and violence and... "inability to speak"? Have fun with this!
Whispers grow to shouts as our voices scream out. <-- Aha! You used the word "scream" which indicates a violence! See? It's awesome. DO MORE OF THIS.

All we ask is to be apart of this: <-- KARINA WEEPS AT THIS SPELLING.
apart of freedom. <-- WEEP WEEP WEEP
We deserve choices and opinions <-- Yay. Can you get more preachier, really? (Hint: saying this in a more poetic way may be much neater.)
as much as the men who childishly shoot us <-- Well... you did use violence, but coooooome on. Why did you have to choose "childishly" as a modifier? You need to be more forceful with your language to make your point!
down when we struggle to stand.

Let us take away your freedom to reason, <-- Waaaaaaait. I thought you were talking about equality, not female supremacy? This seems oddly out of place!
let us show you how we have suffered. <-- I think this sounds rather threatening and ominous... not sure if I like it!
Let us show you, as we vote toward the future of us all. <-- Yeah, definitely sounds like a threat.

So!

I kept mentioning violence in my critique, so you were probably wondering why I kept on trying to incite violence! Well, it's partly because I love violence and partly because you have such a forceful subject which had tons of violence in history, so I thought you would go crazy with that! So, in order to have a more forceful impact, especially with a subject as powerful as this, you need to hint at violence in your poem! Otherwise, you'll resort to cliched images and less than impactful words... and let's face it, we love stuff that zings!

Also, you'll need to be less vague! A thing is a very vague word! So if I told you that there was this thing in your poem that I didn't quite like and I wasn't specific, you would be rather frustrated with me! Also, if you read a work and the writer keeps on referring to things without alluding to what they actually are, I think you would also be frustrated! So you can't fall into the same trap here.

Also! While I don't know if you want to go the female supremacy route, I am pretty sure that most of the females were fighting for equality, not supremacy. So, just be aware that your poem suggests this!

Hope this helps! ^^