No. 3

Deleted.

Not reviewing, but I did want to add that I like the juxtaposing of Kitty Genovese's picture next to this poem. It may have been unintentional, but it fits well.

Nice, i really like the message you are passing on.Your poem is direct and in your face, very good!
The poem isn't very uniform though and being the freak i am that unsettles me. Maybe add more lines to the first stanza?
Your use of language is very good though, quite clever. I love the line ' because reality doesn't equal viewers' noting could be more true!
Great work!

Your message is kind of blah, or at least to me. I've always considered poetry to be a bit of a revolution, so it's not enough (for me!) to just say, "Fuck it!" I want to know what else is going to happen and how the revolution . So, for me, this poem is rather bland because it's like somebody giving up, which really has no potential for action. And I love poems that hint of action and danger.

See if you can make your poems a bit more revolutionary.

I agree. NASA is just spending an unnecessary amount of money to launch rockets. How is that going to fix the economy?

So what are you trying to communicate? Honestly ask yourself this. I'm not holding back here, because there's not much present to stop me and make me think.

Bolshevik wrote:Fuck Them

On the moon, a man is prancing and skipping rocks,
while on earth billions are starving,
millions are dying.
Fuck them.

We fund NASA, fund war, feed the machines,
and let people die because the world is just,
because reality doesn't equal viewers,
and science and exploration will save us all.
So fuck them.

Bol, this is perhaps your most insipid work put up here yet. Altogether looking at what I've seen, you keep hammering out the same thing over and over with little to no variation in tone or meaning: much ado about nothing. I tried to be nice before and encourage you, but, you're writing with nothing but this misguided sense of fury. Namely this title is stupid. Are you a bad writer from the 60's and 70's? You realize a lot of crappy writing came from that period and this rings almost exactly like something I've read from then: bad writing and terrible justification for the art.

On the moon, a man is prancing and skipping rocks,
while on earth billions are starving,
millions are dying.
Fuck them.

This science=nothing good, if not evil argument you have going is morbidly thin and weak. Why? Because people are suffering? When have people stopped suffering? Has anything ever helped stave famine and starvation? So why pigeon hole NASA here? Hm, it couldn't be that you're subjecting political views, could it? Keep that garbage out of poetry, or at least hide it beneath layers; your clumsy lines here lack imagery and impact beyond dwelling on fear. So to your first stanza, simply put, when has there ever been a magic pill? That's right never, so you're dwelling on ethos to justify and convince readers; weak. You've created a strawman between lack of action and execution with science and what I read into as uncaring Capitalism shooting rockets to the moon; oh, you mean many people did this? Hm, maybe I'm being too political with your Trotsky wannabe user-name Bolshevik? Get it now? The surface value of things is boring, complexity is not however.

Look my point is your thoughts behind word choice is non-existent except for you to dwell on anger, and fine if you will, but make it interesting and don't make your jabs at "the Man" so apparent and thin. And please, stop it with fuck; those words can be amazing when used at the right time. Now? Not at all.

We fund NASA, fund war, feed the machines,
and let people die because the world is just,
because reality doesn't equal viewers,
and science and exploration will save us all.
So fuck them.

So what the hell do you mean? The greedy capitalist swine? And who's the voice? The good Bolshevik? This reads like propaganda from the Cold War. And if you truly are against all forms of control and are anarchist and are nihilist at heart, boring. I've seen this done better and done many times before.

That's really it. Your words are face value, blank, and simply not interesting. You express nothing but a desire to enrage. Whatever really, I'm more enraged you call this poetry. Move me to action with powerful imagery, a unique speaking voice, and something interesting to read. As is this is woefully short of any of that. Hope this criticism helps and what not.

Hi Bolshevik, thought I'd drop in and leave my thoughts.
Generally, this is a classy response to issues we have eh? I think so.

But otherwise. What in the world are you talking about?
What fuels your rather unconstructive anger in this poem? The fact that when all this scientific progress happens people are hungry?
Have you completely disregarded billions of dollars are flowing into many different causes at once, science and charitable causes at the same time.
But it's cool we don't have to fuel science, we can stay in this earth are remain oblivious to things happening around us that could provide answers to this world.

Your general attempt at being "rebellious" here is like slapping a picture of some political powerhouse with a limp slippery fish. Completely uneffective in proving or convincing the reader in anything. It's like those angsty teens running around with their rebellious sneakers, specifically maintained hair, and obscure music choices, screaming "Don't let the man yet you down yoooo." They're internally obsessed with their need to go against the crowd, as this poem is.

You want to make a change? Okay. Start by convincing me. How does scientific exploration effect or worsen the fact people are malnourished around the world. How would stopping the funding for these programs change anything? Here you're just stating cloudy angered thoughts expecting the reader to nod submissively at what you're saying.

Also:

because reality doesn't equal viewers

Where does media play into this? Focus your argument. Science and hunger, or media and hunger. Both are vague, but it's up to you.

Also, try to make this poetry? At least a flow would be nice, rather then your choppy vague statements formatted to look as such.
Take a look at some controversial poets to have a better understanding of how to communicate your thoughts more effectively.
Take a look at Allen Ginsburg's Howl and Gary Snyder's A Curse on the men in Washington, Pentagon

Kamas

Space.

This is it. And I'm not bothering with you or your writing anymore after this.

Bolshevik wrote:some people really annoy me.

REALLY? You who attacks everyone who bothers to offer decent, thoughtful advice and doesn't pamper your self-indulgent ego ? And what do you know of the oppressed and the poor and those how have no voice? Are you using dial-up internet and choosing between it and the rent (ha you have internet! plenty of people don't)? Are you seeing the starving in the streets and watching your friends die or waste away their lives simply because they were born in the wrong family? Have you ever had to choose between eating one day and fasting the next three because your family can't afford indulgences?

And other people annoy you. You typify why this generation is not only spoiled, but completely out of touch with how to speak for itself. You poetry does not make me mad or accomplish a purpose. IT SUCKS; your work is life imitating art imitating art imitating life. But really, if it's soooo deep and perfect--and you know how many people have you messaged and attacked because they JUST DON'T GET IT, just a testament to your ability--why are you on YWS and posting it? Send it into the poetry reviews and magazines! Go get published, of course you won't be. Not in your wildest dreams unless you learn how to improve and listen to other people.

Oh, why am I reacting this way? Because your actions speak much more than your poorly placed words which you haphazardly justify with "I mirror the times", a silly sentiment that means nothing. I react this way because you cannot take criticism. Then you have the gall to attack others and cannot consider why they gave the critique in the first place. People critique because they're being nice. And then you bother to post as if we cannot get you or understand you, or as if (strawman & acting oppressed yourself) we want to stifle your creativity.

Get real. I critique because people need an honest shot to show them what their writing looks like to someone else. Everyone needs a second opinion. Your work here, sure, it most certainly does. You clearly have passion, but it lacks any reason for anyone to give a damn. I find counter culture, revolutionary, satire, etc. themes to be extremely interesting, but if they're badly presented and you post them on here you're going to find out. Consider it good will, but I mean really those jerks annoying you! Yeah, you don't sound spoiled.

Let me make it clear to your ego, I am posting this to elaborate on my review and for your own good. I do not care for your writing and think you are dense. I am trying to wake you up, but it's not my job to make you realistic and actually realize you don't understand anyone at all. Have fun on your island.

Umm, hey.
I would review, but everything that needs to be said( about the poem, that is) has been said.
There is not such thing as a final copy, just a really good rough draft.
So just tweak this one, and offer valid reason as to why you are so enraged, and it will all be fine.
You are entitled to your own opinion, so write about it - and make it special.
But the language doesn't really do anything for this subject, and the poem is lacking in substance and detail.
Just explain. No need to be so defensive, it's just a review.


'Kay?

Also-
Remember that this is a forum for reviewing, not debating. Can we please quit being so argumentative and stop with the personal attacks? I'm not modding or anything, but it's just really stressful to watch...
Let's save it for this forum.

Just keep writing, and review the same way you would like other to review *you*.
That's my $0.02!
Thanks!
-------------------------
-Jojo

Lame and outdated you wannabe

The one thing that caught my eye was the title. It did sound to be revolutionary. But the poem kind of made no sense. I didn't get it. I don't do poems but I sometimes do, and this one has no point, plot.

Nike

I can't exactly say that I like this. It was unorganized and it didn't fit right to me. But I also can't say I hate it because the message is loud and clear and I can feel the emotion underneath but still.
I thought that all you need is to get a rythm going and actually define some of the characteristics a bit more. I agree with some of what you said and I think that this subject shows promise, but you do need to change a lot of things.
If you want to call this a poem, rethink on how you want to come at it. I thought that this was very confusing. In a way that you didn't explain thoroughly. Think of a person who has no idea on what you're writing about. Clarify your given points.
I like the concept but I just think you need to shape it more.
Can't wait to see what you do with it.

I don't think it's exactly poetic, but I like it. Scientism is retarded. What ever happened to loving your neighbor as yourself?