GAH! I hate this sentence!

Help me people! I don't know if this sentence is awkward or not, and it's driving me crazy! What's wrong with it???????????

"Small peridot butterflies were woven in her blonde hair, which was in a loose braid, and she wore an elegant light green dress."

*growls*

Does anyone have any tips on how to fix it?

"Small peridot butterflies were woven in her blonde hair, which was in a loose braid, and she wore an elegant light green dress."

Small peridot (whatever that means) butterflies were woven through her braided blong hair.

That's one, the entire green dress thing should go in another though... because it goes from head to dress... now if it made mention to , oh say, the butterfly flying from her hair around the dress, that would be another story.

THAT made it awkward. It's a nice sentence otherwise.

Trailing down her elegant green dress was a loose braid, small peridot butterflies woven into the blonde locks.

She wore an elegant green dress, its colour heightened by the blonde braid of the wearer. Small peridot butterflies were woven in, and. . . (fill in the blank)

Loosely braided, small peridot butterflies were woven into her blonde hair, which was resting against her light green dress.



Yeah... that's all I got. I think the original is awkward because it's 'description of hair, qualification about hair, something about a dress.' Or maybe it's all the adjectives.

I think I'll blame it on the adjectives. That's a buttload of adjectives to throw at a person in such a small space.

Peridot is a gem that is light green, by the way.

Hmm... closer but not there yet. And I like the adjectives... just not the order. Should I split up the sentence?

Yeh, too many adjectives in one place.

I'd simplify it -

Original: Small peridot butterflies were woven in her blonde hair, which was in a loose braid, and she wore an elegant light green dress.

Simplified: Butterflies were woven into her loosely braided hair, and she wore an elegant dress.

Or something to that effect. Provide the detail somewhere else, not all at once. Or spread your ideas into multiple sentences.

"Small peridot butterflies were woven in her blonde hair, which was in a loose braid, and she wore an elegant light green dress."

Hmm. A couple of things here. First of all, there's too much in the sentence, and the pronouns and conjunctions clutter it up even more. Secondly, there's no segue; most of the sentence is about her hair, and then it jumps to the dress she's wearing. Thirdly, I'd lump together the ideas of (1) her blonde hair and (2) the loose braid. So something like, "Small peridot butterflies were woven in the loose braid of her blonde hair." Or, "Small peridot butterflies were woven in her loose braid of blonde hair." Even, "Small peridot butterflies were woven in her loose blonde braid." You get the idea. You're better off without the "which was a" bit.

If you do decide to keep the elegant dress in the same sentence, segue from her hair to the dress. Talk about how the braid snakes down to meet her elegant light green dress. Or something like that.

And on two entirely minor notes (because I can't exist without nitpicking): "light green" should be hyphenated (light-green) and "in her blonde hair" should be "into her blonde hair." And keeping the adjectives is fine — all in all, I'm loving the prettiness of the image.

Yeah, I'm with Smaur on this one. What I noticed about it's annoyingness was not the adjectives but the way the sentences was put together. The conjunctions and whatnot. I'm a short sentence person. In case you haven't noticed. Something an English teacher once said to me was that a sentence said one thing. One idea per sentence. It's not an exact rule, but it helps you get your head around it sometimes.

And YAY!!! I knew what peridots are! Which brings me to my next point ...

So, the dress and the butterflies are the same colour, right? So why are you acting like they're different? It's a major fashion point! They match! She'd be looking a bit odd if the butterflies were bright orange but the dress was green. Plus, you can use it to work them into the same sentence if you like. Like "Small peridot butterflies to match her elegant dress ..." or something.

My two cents worth -

In her loosely braided blonde hair, small peridot butterflies were woven in. Her matching dress...

or

In her loosely braided blonde hair, small peridot butterflies were woven in; her matching dress...

I think the problem with the original is (1) it has too many things going on (as has been previously stated) and (2) it's a bit fragmented and doesn't quite flow well.

Hope this helps m'dear.

CL

Snoink wrote:Help me people! I don't know if this sentence is awkward or not, and it's driving me crazy! What's wrong with it???????????

"Small peridot butterflies were woven in her blonde hair, which was in a loose braid, and she wore an elegant light green dress."

*growls*

Does anyone have any tips on how to fix it?

here you go: " Small peridot butterflies were woven in here blonde hair, which was in a loose braid. She wore an elegant light green dress"

this makes it seem better, because you are splitting up two different trains of thought.
Hope I was a lot of help.

Oh dear... this was written when I believed the first draft should be the final draft... O_o

I forget what I finally put, but yeah. The problem's been resolved. ^_^

Add some action. It would make it a lot more exciting!
Or possibly:

Woven into her braided long, blonde hair, the peridot butterflies matched her elegant green dress.

"Small peridot butterflies were woven in her blonde hair, which was in a loose braid, and she wore an elegant light green dress."

How about:

Her blond hair was gracefully woven in a loose braid with embellisments of periodot butterflies that beautifully matched her elegant light-green dress.

peridot*

XD

Final-ish version:

The freak cast a shy glance at Sadie’s mother. She was gorgeous. She wore an elegant pale green dress, embroidered with a daisy pattern. Small peridot butterflies were woven in her loosely braided hair. She looked young, almost twenty, and the freak could scarcely believe that this was Sadie’s mother.

I was going to suggest 'plaited'. I like that word better than braided. Braided blonde is too...b. Plaited blonde sounds a little better in my head.