Hazel- chapter 1

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Fifteen year old Hazel leaned out her window, her long, braided locks falling down and down all the way to the ground and then some. It was so heavy. Hazel had often asked to cut it, but Aunt Aurialla always said no.
"You are a princess here," she would say. "And princesses never cut their hair."
"It's probably enchanted." Hazel thought, fingering her faintly glowing necklace. She sighed. In her library, there were books that spoke of Tonan women who never cut their hair, but theirs was never this long in the pictures. Hazel shook her head, banishing mean thoughts of her wonderful aunt. She wasn't her real aunt of course, but she was the one who saved her. Hazel had heard the story many times.
Fifteen years ago, Aurialla lived in a small village were she grew queen's cabbage, the most rare and delicious kind in Paxtan. She said she found it on a trip to Gilmore, a country so far away some Paxtan's question it's existence. One day, she went out to check on her garden and some the cabbages were gone. She cast a spell, a simple one that uses traces left behind to find someone, one of the first a young teller learns, and found the culprit, a young man. When she asked him why he stole her cabbage, he fell to the floor and did all but kiss her feet.
"I am so sorry good Maiden, but my wife is pregnant, and she wished for cabbage. A strange yearning, I know, but I couldn't just stand there and listen to her cries and moans. She has seemed so sick of late, and I could do nothing but humor her whims, silly or not. She is a good girl. And she has made me happy, I just wish to return the favor, but we had no money. That is why I took your cabbage, and I am very sorry."
Aurialla just stood there. “You realize you have stolen my livelihood young man, right?" She asked calmly.
The man- who's name was Elias- hung his head. "Is there anything I can do for you good miss?" he asked.
Aurialla lifted him up so she could look him in the eye, for he was tall. "Take me to your wife," she said.
He gave her a confused look, but led her too a small hut with a low ceiling with only a bed, a table and cradle inside. A young woman not sixteen laid on a makeshift bed. She cried out in pain and Elias rushed to her side. He smoothed her short brown hair and murmured sweet things in her ear.
“What is your name young girl?" she asked
"Beatra," the girl responded between sobs.
"Well Beatra, you are in labor," Aurialla told her. With the help of her skills as a midwife, the baby girl was born within the hour without too much pain on Beatra's part. Elias looked relieved, despite the high pitched screeching that entered the hut. Then Beatra started to cry.
"What is it my love?" he asked, rushing to her bedside to hold her small, pale hand.
"I can't do this," she sobbed, clutching his tanned, work-worn hands.
Aurialla stood taller and set the child down gently in her wooden cradle." Tell me Elias, why did you choose such a young bride?"
His face turned red through his tan." Her parents set it up," he told her sheepishly.
"Yes," Aurialla nodded, "and is your wife happy?" she asked.
He turned redder, if that was possible. "I try my hardest. I love her so much." He leaned closer to his young bride.
Aurialla nodded toward the shaking, crying girl on the cot. "I do not think she is happy."
Elias' face turned from crimson to white. "What can I do to make her happy?" He asked, shaking.
"Give me the child." she said, and watched the couple pale. "I shall treat her like a princess, and I will not force her too marry until she is ready." She told them.
Elias hesitated and looked at weeping wife. He reached into the cradle and lifted the sleeping infant. He handed his daughter to her and kissed the baby girl for the first and last time."
"I shall name her Hazel, for her mother's beautiful eyes." Aurialla waved her free hand over the Beatra's thin body and she fell asleep.
"When she awakes, she will not remember this. She will believe she had a miscarriage, and you will agree with her. Do not have her carry more children for three years, or this will repeat, and I will not be here."
Elias nodded, speechless. Aurialla returned his nod and left the hut, leaving speechless Elias with his slumbering wife and no child.
This was always were Aurialla ended, never saying how she got to the ivy-tower. She only said that she packed her things and left the village, so Beatra wouldn't suspect anything, because tampering with enchantments is dangerous. She named her Hazel as she said and dressed her in fine clothes, treating her like a princess as she promised. And she never let Hazel cut her hair, because short hair is a sign of poverty. Hazel was glad her beloved aunt saved her. Her family was foolish and poor, and Hazel knew she wouldn't be happy. Though she often wondered about Beatra and Elias, and if they ever had another child, or if they still are alone in that small hut in the far away village. A sharp shout shattered Hazel's dream, and she looked down the window. Aurialla had tied a basket to Hazel's braid, so she pulled up the heavy mane and opened the basket. In there, her fine lunch was piled, along with a pomegranate, Hazel's favorite. With a lonely sigh, she tossed the fruit in the air and the hand of one of her enchanted servant caught it and went to peel it. Hazel hated being confined to her tower, even if it had a library, sitting area and dressing room. It was so lonely. Sitting on the carpeted floor next to her window, Hazel starting eating, sad it was just her and her cat Sonya, again.
Last edited by Piper on Thu Nov 25, 2010 5:14 pm, edited 2 times in total.
Cats are like characters. You may say they're yours, but in reality, they own you. ~Me

You can take away all the arts you want, but soon, the children won't have anything to read or write about. ~Glen Holland




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Okay first things first.
"and princesses never cut their hair."

Missed a capital
" It's probably enchanted." Hazel thought.

You put an extra space there
"I shall treat her like a princesses, and I will not force her too marry untill she is ready." She told them.

Don't you mean princess? And it's supposed to be a comma not a period.

Okay so what I'm getting with this story is Repunzal (I know I didn't spell that right). But it's a little different because her aunt was good and she didn't force the couple to give up their baby. But she seems really nice during the flashback but now she just seems mean and grumpy just as the witch was.
Were you trying to make a parody with this? It would make sense and it's totally okay as long as you put a parody after the title.

You have no idea how often I have to say this in my reviews. When you post something there's these little options at the bottom that say none, poem, and story. Click on the circle that says story and it will make your writing look a lot better because it's not all bunched up.

I can understand they're too young to handle a child, but if the man was kind and honest wouldn't he want to keep his daughter? But then I can see the other side of it and can understand that he would want what was best for her. But he didn't even know this woman. He should have gotten his wife's approval before agreeing, because she's the one that said she couldn't handle it and gave birth. But I know it's your story so those are just throwing out suggestions.

I could really see the fairly tale in this and I really liked it. I think after some reviewing this could be a really good story. And being that this is a chapter book I imagine you have a lot more to write about it.

Keep writing!
Let's eat mom.
Let's eat, mom.
Good grammar saves lives :D




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Ok, have you read the prologe? if you had you would know that "Hazel" is acctually a princess (rapunzel), the witch is lying to her, she wants her to think she saved her from a sucky life. It is a Rapunzel retelling, which people do all the time. I've read tons.
Cats are like characters. You may say they're yours, but in reality, they own you. ~Me

You can take away all the arts you want, but soon, the children won't have anything to read or write about. ~Glen Holland




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If you're trying to write a story about a princess that already exists it would be a parody. A parody is something that already exists that you changed up a bit. If this was all your own it wouldn't have to be a parody.

And no I didn't read the Prologue. I didn't know there was one. You should connect the two of them so your reader knows there's more before this.

I'm not trying to make you mad so I hope I didn't offend you in any way. I'm just telling you what I know. When I was fourteen I was probably just like you. But now I'm seventeen so I know a bit more. Getting better at writing is a working thing and learning to take critism from others is very important.

I'll have to read your prologue. It would probably help clear this up a bit more and to see what you're saying.
Let's eat mom.
Let's eat, mom.
Good grammar saves lives :D




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Ok, I thought a parody was, like, weird al or epic movie were they're making fun of it, but of if thats the defintion, ok. I was'nt offended, I like critisism as long as it helps me get better, which your's did. How do I connect the two?
Cats are like characters. You may say they're yours, but in reality, they own you. ~Me

You can take away all the arts you want, but soon, the children won't have anything to read or write about. ~Glen Holland




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Hey Sakuragirl1,

Sakuragirl1 wrote:In her library, there were books that spoke of Tonan women who never cut their hair, and their's was never this long in the pictures.

I feel like the sentence could rephrase and sound better if you changed to say
In her library, there were books that spoke of Tonan women who never cut their hair, but their was never this long in the pictures.
also the 's is unnecessary because their is already plural.

Sakuragirl1 wrote:Fifteen years ago, Aurialla lived in a small village three days ride from here, where she grew Queen's cabbage, the most rare and delicious kind in Paxtan.

The this sentence feels like a run on sentence. You could revise it like so:
Fifteen years ago, Aurialla grew the Queen's rare and delicious cabbage in a small village she lived in, three days ride from here.

Why are all the cabbages gone? Did Beatra eat all of them? It would seem a bit more realistic if it was a noticeable amount.

Sakuragirl1 wrote:One day, she went out to check on her garden and all the cabbages was gone. She cast a spell, because she is so good at that, and found the culprit, a young man.

It would sound better, in my opinion if you took out the because she is so good at that. If you do keep it in, then change that to it. Also it would be interesting if you explained the spell.

Sakuragirl1 wrote:She is a good girl, and she has made me happy, I just wish to return the favor, but we had no money.

This should be two different sentences.

Sakuragirl1 wrote:She cried out in pain frequently and

How do they know it was frequently if they just got there?

Sakuragirl1 wrote:Aurialla told her, and using her skills as a midwife, she help her give birth, and the baby girl was born within the hour.

Another run on sentence. You can try this out.
Aurialla told her. With the help of her skills as a midwife, a baby girl was delivered within the hour.

Sakuragirl1 wrote:hut.Then, Beatra started

Put a space between the period and the beginning of the sentence. Also, the comma is unnecessary.

Sakuragirl1 wrote:hand over the girls thin body and she

Right here I wasn't sure not sure if you're talking about the mom or the baby. You might want to say young girl to imply the young mother.

Sakuragirl1 wrote:She named her Hazel as she said and dressed her in fine clothes, treating her like a princess as she promised, and she never let Hazel cut her hair, because short hair is a sign of poverty.

Sorry, but it's another run on sentence. Start a new sentence after promised.

Sakuragirl1 wrote:maneand

Forgot a space.

Sakuragirl1 wrote:Sitting on the floor, Hazel starting eating, sad it was just her and Sonya ,the cat, again.

Try revising it to say:
Sitting on the floor, Hazel stared eating, sad it was just her and her cat Sonya, again.

It's great!!! I'm really enjoying it. I really had to search line by line to find these. Its getting better and better. I hoped this helps.

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It's me again!
Ok, to start it was doing wonderfully until you got to the part where Aurilea helps give Beatra birth. There, it kinda rushes and isn't as shall we say...captivating? I'm actually not sure how you would fix that (and I hate to give out advice to fix parts that I myself couldn't even begin to fix) but I'm sure you'll manage. But after she gives birth it's pretty good. :D Also you definatley need to go over your stories before you submit them because there is alot of grammar errors and lots of words missing. When Aurilea names her I think you should make it "For her mother's beautiful eyes." instead. And when she makes the girl fall asleep use Beatra's name instead of using she because otherwise they would probably think you were talking about Hazel. "Leaving Elias speeachless with his sleeping wife." manend? I have NO idea what that means. For detail: describe the hut and the castle Hazel lives in. Why is Aurelia treating her like a princess ? It is implied because of her family background and because of the husband but we still don't know. Also, you need to work the invisible servants in there more because it's kind of a shock when all of a sudden BAM you find out she has invisible servants and also the getting her lunch from a window.
May all your bacon BURN! ~Calcifer "Howl's Moving Castle"




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You would probably think that because of how the media uses a parody. Like Weird Al or Vietaman Princess. Those are parodys, but they're only a form of them.

Your book is a novel right? If it's not put them both under novel and then it should have a little thing at the top that's asking if this one is part of your project. If it doesn't then just add them manually by going into the novel you created and going to the page that say chapters, then clicking on the chapters you want to be added to your novel. It connects them so that when someone sees chapter one there will be a little box at the top of the page that says this is part of a novel. Then they click on view novel and they can see the whole novel layed out in front of them to make sure they've read everything.

I hope that wasn't too confusing, because I know I suck at explaining things. I hope to read your next chapter.
Let's eat mom.
Let's eat, mom.
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Ha, ha. You already figured it out. That makes it so much easier.
Let's eat mom.
Let's eat, mom.
Good grammar saves lives :D




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OK. I hope this is better
Cats are like characters. You may say they're yours, but in reality, they own you. ~Me

You can take away all the arts you want, but soon, the children won't have anything to read or write about. ~Glen Holland




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Oooooooooohh the misspellings~ They buuuuuuurrrrnn.. O-O
Not that you don't got potential PippiChan. ^^ Those kinds of things just....bother me. Though, if da witch is tellin' Hazel that she saved her from poverty, what kind of person takes a baby from it's parents over a cabbage? Really? Personally I don't like cabbage all that much. I mean if it was lettuce than that's a whole different story but this is cabbage we're talking about here. =.=
I would never share my candy with you. You're not crazy enough.
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ok. I ran it through spellcheck, so it should be better now. The reason she takes her away over cabbage is because thats how the original story kind of went. I tweaked it a little so it would fit my storyline, but I wanted to use a little of the original story in my retelling.
Cats are like characters. You may say they're yours, but in reality, they own you. ~Me

You can take away all the arts you want, but soon, the children won't have anything to read or write about. ~Glen Holland




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"kissed the baby girl for the first and last time." imagery! Kinesthetic Imagery evokes emotion! (sorry, couldn't help but utilize my recent AP Lang vocabulary)
I'm still confused about the enchanted servant thing, I thought it was just Hazel and her cat?
Other than that, my general impression is that this chapter fits the fairy tale feel and leaves the reader with a good "cliff hanger". The reader can feel the curiousity and emptiness that Hazel feels at the end of the chapter.




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I see that you have many reviews already, and I will review the rest later, but I wanted to commment on this.

I really like this, but I've never read the original story. I don't really know what happens. I like how you moved the plot along, and I love the style of language you used. I don't really think I can tell you how to improve because it's already been done, I can only read on. I'm sorry I'm not of much help so far. Maybe in the further chapters.

-Flow-
My reality comes to a close as I once again realize that you don't love me, and even if I love you with my everything you will never care.





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Hi Saks! Here to review ch. 1!!! yea! *dances* okay, lets get started.
:pirate:
Nitpicks:
(you know how I work by now XD)

1.

Spoiler
Aurialla lifted him up so she could look him in the eye, for he was tall.

I know hes on the ground, but what does him being tall have to do with her helping him stand up?


2.
Spoiler
Elias looked relieved, despite the high pitched screeching that entered the hut. Then Beatra started to cry.
back then, shouldn't the man have not been premitted in the cabin while his wife was if labor?

3.
Spoiler
because tampering with enchantments is dangerous.

huh? what does that have to do with Beatra? elobrate because I am drawing a blank.



Overall:
This was a good Info-dump chapter. I didn't feel as though it was an info dump. I felt as if it really was a scene playing out, not a this happened then this happened then- OH ya get what I mean!

Grammar:
Better. A LOT better than in the prologue. I didn't catch any mistakes.

Plot/storyline:
It's thickining. That's all I got to say.

MC/C:
Hazel's personality needs to devolop soon or the charecter will seem 2D and we do not want that.

Well, on to chapter 2!
~pointe
p.s. PB says hello! XD
hush, my sweet
these tornadoes are for you


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Formerly SparkToFlame



There's a Brazilian things you could write about. You just gotta pick Juan.
— Hattable