Hazel- chapter 1

Piper · 2010-11-06T18:15:08Z

Fifteen year old Hazel leaned out her window, her long, braided locks falling down and down all the way to the ground and then some. It was so heavy. Hazel had often asked to cut it, but Aunt Aurialla always said no. "You are a princess here," she would say. "And princesses never cut their hair." "It's probably enchanted." Hazel thought, fingering her faintly glowing necklace. She sighed. In her library, there were books that spoke of Tonan women who never cut their hair, but theirs was never this long in the pictures. Hazel shook her head, banishing mean thoughts of her wonderful aunt. She wasn't her real aunt of course, but she was the one who saved her. Hazel had heard the story many times. Fifteen years ago, Aurialla lived in a small village were she grew queen's cabbage, the most rare and delicious kind in Paxtan. She said she found it on a trip to Gilmore, a country so far away some Paxtan's question it's existence. One day, she went out to check on her garden and some the cabbages were gone. She cast a spell, a simple one that uses traces left behind to find someone, one of the first a young teller learns, and found the culprit, a young man. When she asked him why he stole her cabbage, he fell to the floor and did all but kiss her feet. "I am so sorry good Maiden, but my wife is pregnant, and she wished for cabbage. A strange yearning, I know, but I couldn't just stand there and listen to her cries and moans. She has seemed so sick of late, and I could do nothing but humor her whims, silly or not. She is a good girl. And she has made me happy, I just wish to return the favor, but we had no money. That is why I took your cabbage, and I am very sorry." Aurialla just stood there. “You realize you have stolen my livelihood young man, right?" She asked calmly. The man- who's name was Elias- hung his head. "Is there anything I can do for you good miss?" he asked. Aurialla lifted him up so she could look him in the eye, for he was tall. "Take me to your wife," she said. He gave her a confused look, but led her too a small hut with a low ceiling with only a bed, a table and cradle inside. A young woman not sixteen laid on a makeshift bed. She cried out in pain and Elias rushed to her side. He smoothed her short brown hair and murmured sweet things in her ear. “What is your name young girl?" she asked "Beatra," the girl responded between sobs. "Well Beatra, you are in labor," Aurialla told her. With the help of her skills as a midwife, the baby girl was born within the hour without too much pain on Beatra's part. Elias looked relieved, despite the high pitched screeching that entered the hut. Then Beatra started to cry. "What is it my love?" he asked, rushing to her bedside to hold her small, pale hand. "I can't do this," she sobbed, clutching his tanned, work-worn hands. Aurialla stood taller and set the child down gently in her wooden cradle." Tell me Elias, why did you choose such a young bride?" His face turned red through his tan." Her parents set it up," he told her sheepishly. "Yes," Aurialla nodded, "and is your wife happy?" she asked. He turned redder, if that was possible. "I try my hardest. I love her so much." He leaned closer to his young bride. Aurialla nodded toward the shaking, crying girl on the cot. "I do not think she is happy." Elias' face turned from crimson to white. "What can I do to make her happy?" He asked, shaking. "Give me the child." she said, and watched the couple pale. "I shall treat her like a princess, and I will not force her too marry until she is ready." She told them. Elias hesitated and looked at weeping wife. He reached into the cradle and lifted the sleeping infant. He handed his daughter to her and kissed the baby girl for the first and last time." "I shall name her Hazel, for her mother's beautiful eyes." Aurialla waved her free hand over the Beatra's thin body and she fell asleep. "When she awakes, she will not remember this. She will believe she had a miscarriage, and you will agree with her. Do not have her carry more children for three years, or this will repeat, and I will not be here." Elias nodded, speechless. Aurialla returned his nod and left the hut, leaving speechless Elias with his slumbering wife and no child. This was always were Aurialla ended, never saying how she got to the ivy-tower. She only said that she packed her things and left the village, so Beatra wouldn't suspect anything, because tampering with enchantments is dangerous. She named her Hazel as she said and dressed her in fine clothes, treating her like a princess as she promised. And she never let Hazel cut her hair, because short hair is a sign of poverty. Hazel was glad her beloved aunt saved her. Her family was foolish and poor, and Hazel knew she wouldn't be happy. Though she often wondered about Beatra and Elias, and if they ever had another child, or if they still are alone in that small hut in the far away village. A sharp shout shattered Hazel's dream, and she looked down the window. Aurialla had tied a basket to Hazel's braid, so she pulled up the heavy mane and opened the basket. In there, her fine lunch was piled, along with a pomegranate, Hazel's favorite. With a lonely sigh, she tossed the fruit in the air and the hand of one of her enchanted servant caught it and went to peel it. Hazel hated being confined to her tower, even if it had a library, sitting area and dressing room. It was so lonely. Sitting on the carpeted floor next to her window, Hazel starting eating, sad it was just her and her cat Sonya, again.

Ello again.

I had to read your comment about how Hazel is actually the princess from the prologue in order to piece the two together. It occured to me, but so did the idea of another girl being in the situation, or perhaps Hazel been a child or grandchild of the first. I think you need to make it clear that Aurialla is lying, and show her to be a little more sinister. Right now she is still just a character lingering about.

Also, I would suggest including something big here. You need to grip your readers attention, and the trouble with retellings is that your reader already knows what's going to happen, so there has to be something more. Show a day in the life of Hazel, or Aurellia, or even use chapter one to introduce a different character who will appear later - anything to bring some excitement to it. First chapters are crucial, so you need to make a big impression.

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