The Sonnet of Silent Death

Godless skies and starless nights,
Call my heart back to seas of doubts,
And reluctance takes a step forward in my mind
As I close my pages of faitrytales.

Silly me, living in my dreams and hopes,
I should have known a while back
that wishing stars are deaf and blind
and that history is only dead lands and fading ashes.

These eyes hold no love and no dreams,
and my story is another page of unread tragedy.
I am the unnamed mistake of existance.
I only fit between lost and dying stars.

I have no reason to look up and pray no more,
these are rainless clouds and wingless butterflies.

foxy wrote:Shooting stars that wound and hurt That wound? That sounds a bit odd, and you don't need to mention wound and hurt in the same line, it's redundent.
Raining clouds so black and blurred
Shades of night dancing mournfully How do you dance mournfully? I think that it's ment to show a slow and dark-ish description of dancing but there are better words for this and better ways to show this. This would be a lot less confusing if made into a simile / metaphor. Something like: The shades of night dance like cieling fan's shadow. Something that could let us see how this is happening.
Hanging hopes of unfolded history Hopes of unfolded history? You hope that history unfolds or something of that sort? And what does that have to do with their dancing, for that matter, where are they even hanging them and more importantly, why?

Blazing skies of envious tears, I like this, except for the envious part, why are they envious? What are they envious of? You should drop that or redefine it / make it work for you, instead of agianst you. Because currently, it does not help you.
Outrageous oceans of overtaking fears What is outrageous? This is blank description, it doesn't really tell us anything. Same for fears. But that can slide a little, but you should do something to make this a little more concrete and relatable to. Otherwise it's just a jumbled mess of emotion without relation, which makes it confusing.
Empty beds that hum and glare The bed hums...? What?
Sobbing eyes left in despair

Heavens filled with lustful rain
Bleeding colors of endless pain How do they do so? What is this really? Heavens filled with lustful rain, what is it lusting for? Why is it lusting? Why does that even matter? I don't think it does. And what is pain? Pain is also blank description.
Haunting melodies of fading cries
Screaming winds of burning lies.

You’re dancing in the middle of a hurricane
You’re dying, but enjoying the fatal pain.

This doesn't sound too enjoyable, so I am not too into that part. I know you needed this to rhyme and things, but you're not saying anything here. There's no story to follow, it's basicly the same description over and over, which is boring and it doesn't make any sense.

You should go through the motions of this. What happens? How does it happen? There's no real action in this poem, there's no connection to the real world and there's no way for us to really relate to this. What happens that we can connect to? How do you die? What's it like?

Poetry can be like an essay. You have your main ideas and their supporting details that will help you lead to an over all conclusion about that essay. Well, in poetry, you have a similar format. All your lines and ideas need to help add up to that over all idea, everything you say should help add to the story.

Also, this is very list like, which is boring, you should help add to the flow, using interconnected ideas / some sort of over all theme. Something that makes it all go toward that one direction and doesn't branch off to talk about the stars when your subject is a hurricane.
You focused on the hurricane's pieces but the stars to really fit into that, unless you consider looking up but you're busy dancing; how often to you look up at the sky/ceiling while you dance?

Good luck, keep writing,
PM me with any concerns;
Silented1.

silented1 wrote:

foxy wrote:Shooting stars that wound and hurt That wound? That sounds a bit odd, and you don't need to mention wound and hurt in the same line, it's redundent.
Raining clouds so black and blurred
Shades of night dancing mournfully How do you dance mournfully? I think that it's ment to show a slow and dark-ish description of dancing but there are better words for this and better ways to show this. This would be a lot less confusing if made into a simile / metaphor. Something like: The shades of night dance like cieling fan's shadow. Something that could let us see how this is happening.
Hanging hopes of unfolded history Hopes of unfolded history? You hope that history unfolds or something of that sort? And what does that have to do with their dancing, for that matter, where are they even hanging them and more importantly, why?

Blazing skies of envious tears, I like this, except for the envious part, why are they envious? What are they envious of? You should drop that or redefine it / make it work for you, instead of agianst you. Because currently, it does not help you.
Outrageous oceans of overtaking fears What is outrageous? This is blank description, it doesn't really tell us anything. Same for fears. But that can slide a little, but you should do something to make this a little more concrete and relatable to. Otherwise it's just a jumbled mess of emotion without relation, which makes it confusing.
Empty beds that hum and glare The bed hums...? What?
Sobbing eyes left in despair

Heavens filled with lustful rain
Bleeding colors of endless pain How do they do so? What is this really? Heavens filled with lustful rain, what is it lusting for? Why is it lusting? Why does that even matter? I don't think it does. And what is pain? Pain is also blank description.
Haunting melodies of fading cries
Screaming winds of burning lies.

You’re dancing in the middle of a hurricane
You’re dying, but enjoying the fatal pain.

This doesn't sound too enjoyable, so I am not too into that part. I know you needed this to rhyme and things, but you're not saying anything here. There's no story to follow, it's basicly the same description over and over, which is boring and it doesn't make any sense.

You should go through the motions of this. What happens? How does it happen? There's no real action in this poem, there's no connection to the real world and there's no way for us to really relate to this. What happens that we can connect to? How do you die? What's it like?

Poetry can be like an essay. You have your main ideas and their supporting details that will help you lead to an over all conclusion about that essay. Well, in poetry, you have a similar format. All your lines and ideas need to help add up to that over all idea, everything you say should help add to the story.

Also, this is very list like, which is boring, you should help add to the flow, using interconnected ideas / some sort of over all theme. Something that makes it all go toward that one direction and doesn't branch off to talk about the stars when your subject is a hurricane.
You focused on the hurricane's pieces but the stars to really fit into that, unless you consider looking up but you're busy dancing; how often to you look up at the sky/ceiling while you dance?

Good luck, keep writing,
PM me with any concerns;
Silented1.

Well here is the thing, the point of this poem is actually sadness and grief. And to get there, you have to use your imagination even beyond logic and what is familiar to us. You just have to think of everything that maks you angry, and you'll understand that every single line in my stanzas has an implicit meaning behind it. You only have to read between the lines.

Hey foxy!

I like this line the best:

You’re dancing in the middle of a hurricane
You’re dying, but enjoying the fatal pain.

And that's mostly because the other stuff is this really abstract stuff that doesn't really have any movement. It's like you just had a bunch of music video clips without lyrics. So it's FLASH, FLASH, FLASH without any sort of context or glue. Kind of random! The last stanza, on the other hand, has a really cool image and makes us wonder what's really going on. So yay!

Good luck editing!

Snoink wrote:Hey foxy!

I like this line the best:

You’re dancing in the middle of a hurricane
You’re dying, but enjoying the fatal pain.

And that's mostly because the other stuff is this really abstract stuff that doesn't really have any movement. It's like you just had a bunch of music video clips without lyrics. So it's FLASH, FLASH, FLASH without any sort of context or glue. Kind of random! The last stanza, on the other hand, has a really cool image and makes us wonder what's really going on. So yay!

Good luck editing!

Thank you snoik, I'll try to make the best out of it

I like the poem, although that pain that you are trying to show in the piece is long overdue, you lag on getting to the point. I like the poem though, very well written

Keep Writing!!

colie18 wrote:I like the poem, although that pain that you are trying to show in the piece is long overdue, you lag on getting to the point. I like the poem though, very well written

Keep Writing!!

Yes yes I know what you mean ^^ I should add threads of a story, like Lumi told me. You're right, I'm working on it. Thank you for your review ^^

I love the stanzas and rhyming and all.... It's well written, but it didnt really touch me... it was more like a well-written text that flowed good and my mouth but in didnt get further then there... Not until the last two lines, they were brilliant. I think they could really create a good story, because as it is now, it's just text, it tells no story...
But I still must say, I LIKED IT! And quite alot too.. But it could be EVEN BETTER!

Hugs and hearts from Sagaa

I like this, and I think this poem would make good lyrics for a song. It's not particularly emotive, for me, but it's very dramatic and the language is really colourful. I think that the title could be better, as it is somehow quite cliched which might make people take the content of the poem less seriously. Using the first line, Shooting Stars, would work. I also think that some of the words don't work quite as well as others would, but on the whole, it's a lovely and unique poem, and well contained so the lines are all quite consise. I'm going to put my suggestions next to your lines, in bold, so that you can see some different ideas that might help you with the poem. Also, I think your style would be a lot more free if you didn't worry about rhyming, it would allow you to use some more artistic words.

foxy wrote:Shooting stars that wound and hurt Shooting stars can wound and break
Raining clouds so black and blurred Rain clouds black and blurred
Shades of night dancing mournfully Shades of night, a mournful dance
Hanging hopes of unfolded history Unfolding histories and hopes

Blazing skies of envious tears,
Outrageous oceans of overtaking fears Open oceans greater than fear
Empty beds that hum and glare Flickering lights that hum and glare
Sobbing eyes left in despair Weeping eyes left in despair

Heavens filled with lustful rain
Bleeding colors of endless pain Bleeding colours of scarlet pain
Haunting melodies of fading cries
Screaming winds of burning lies

You’re dancing in the middle of a hurricane You're a dancer in the hurricane
You’re dying, but enjoying the fatal pain. Dying, for love of fatal pain

Demoness wrote:I love the stanzas and rhyming and all.... It's well written, but it didnt really touch me... it was more like a well-written text that flowed good and my mouth but in didnt get further then there... Not until the last two lines, they were brilliant. I think they could really create a good story, because as it is now, it's just text, it tells no story...
But I still must say, I LIKED IT! And quite alot too.. But it could be EVEN BETTER!

Hugs and hearts from Sagaa

Yes you are right, I am working on writing it again, I hope the new version will capture you ^^ Thank you for your review hun

PaperCrane wrote:I like this, and I think this poem would make good lyrics for a song. It's not particularly emotive, for me, but it's very dramatic and the language is really colourful. I think that the title could be better, as it is somehow quite cliched which might make people take the content of the poem less seriously. Using the first line, Shooting Stars, would work. I also think that some of the words don't work quite as well as others would, but on the whole, it's a lovely and unique poem, and well contained so the lines are all quite consise. I'm going to put my suggestions next to your lines, in bold, so that you can see some different ideas that might help you with the poem. Also, I think your style would be a lot more free if you didn't worry about rhyming, it would allow you to use some more artistic words.

foxy wrote:Shooting stars that wound and hurt Shooting stars can wound and break
Raining clouds so black and blurred Rain clouds black and blurred
Shades of night dancing mournfully Shades of night, a mournful dance
Hanging hopes of unfolded history Unfolding histories and hopes

Blazing skies of envious tears,
Outrageous oceans of overtaking fears Open oceans greater than fear
Empty beds that hum and glare Flickering lights that hum and glare
Sobbing eyes left in despair Weeping eyes left in despair

Heavens filled with lustful rain
Bleeding colors of endless pain Bleeding colours of scarlet pain
Haunting melodies of fading cries
Screaming winds of burning lies

You’re dancing in the middle of a hurricane You're a dancer in the hurricane
You’re dying, but enjoying the fatal pain. Dying, for love of fatal pain

Hi, I really like your new ideas, I think I might actually use some of them in my editing. Thank you for your review, your opinions are very much appreciated dear. ^^

Fab, can't wait to read the next version!

This is beautiful! (: You're incredibly talented.

Interesting use of words. I enjoyed the structure of the poem and I enjoyed reading it. Needs some editing, but most of what is needed has already been stated. Although, if you are content with this piece, then leave it and move on to the next one. Make that one just as good or even better. I look forward to reading more of your work.

whitnerrzz wrote:This is beautiful! (: You're incredibly talented.

Thank you so much!