Why the Earth is Beautiful

6 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 18529
Reviews 176
I know why the hound cautiously sniffs the carcass of the sparrow, scarcely grazing the bird’s lifeless, brown feathers inquisitively with the tip of his moist nose. He is careful to not damage the Departed. Some amount of sorrow can be seen in his dark eyes, innately present within him. Perhaps he moans, or grumbles, or even barks. He then ambles away, his tail swaying with every footstep.
I know why the toddle bawls at the funeral, her blue eyes damp with tears. Her screams fill the church, echoing against the raised ceilings. The stained glass image of Christ smiles down upon his child in attempt to alleviate her suffering, but to no avail. It is irrelevant as to whether or not she was acquainted with the Departed. The suffering of others coalesces into one, and becomes a part of her. She clutches her mothers hand ever so tightly, her knuckles blanched, as they leave the church together.
I know why the ewe refuses to eat, after five months of stomach pains and three hours of labor heed no result. Her offspring was never among the Living; she passes into the world of the Departed before her own breath entered her lips, before she savored the sweetness of the grass. The farmer strokes the side of the ewe’s face, and she responds with a simple melancholy sigh. He carries her over his shoulder, away from the barn, and all the while she stares back into the place where she nearly birthed her lamb.
I know why the man loosens his hold upon the bottle as he sits upon the stool in the saloon. He borrows the truck, driving thirty miles in the middle of the night, to the hospital. And as he holds his child, minutes after she entered the world of the Living, his heart stops. The child’s face is flawless: from the slightly pudgy pink cheeks, to the pouting lower lip, to the barely visible hairs at the end of her earlobe, she is beautiful. For once, the calloused, masculine, homophobe looks upon another with love. As he is gestured out of the room by the mother, he is not discouraged, and he leaves with a full heart.
I know why the goose flies amongst his brothers, migrating in familiar ‘v’ shape. The fall skies are most perilous. Each beat of his wings is an effort, and eventually the beats combine into an infinite movement, and he does not distinguish one from the other. To eat side of him the others fly, and he watches each one closely, to ensure that they do not fall behind. The others watch him as well, all to guarantee that their family remains among the Living. As they fly across the sky, the goose announces the morning reveille with joy.
There is a uniting feature in all of Earth’s creatures: a mutual respect for the energy that runs through the vein of every living thing, the energy that defines whether a creature is among the Living or among the Departed. And when every being is dissected, it is found that they are, innately, the same, with no distinguishing marks between them.
I know why the world is so beautiful: it is filled with the love shared between its entire family.
stay gold, ponyboy




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 4206
Reviews 362
That was really beautiful, in a dark, gothic, way. I can really feel your emotions, your description was wonderful. You are a really good writer.

Keep writing
~WickedWonder
'We will never believe again, kick drum beating in my chest again, oh, we will never believe in anything again, preach electric to a microphone stand.'

*Formerly wickedwonder*




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 18916
Reviews 530
Hi! Here to review...

You have have great description, but maybe a little on the extreme. When description goes out of hand, it can be a little overwhelming for the reader. In this piece, you've gone a little overboard. A little simplicity doesn't hurt :)

Vary the length of your sentences. This sounds odd, but when sentences are forever short or forever lengthy, it gets boring to read. When writing, try and vary the lengths. For example: short, long, long, long, medium, long, short, short, short. It adds character to the piece and doesn't leave the reader full of information in one paragraph. After reading long sentences for awhile--and because they overload information--it gets tiring to read.

Use simplicity. One or two or more sentences that exclude large or elaborate words doesn't hurt.

I, for one, really like your short at the beginning, but it became dull after a bit once you used the same sort of emotions. Yes, extravagant words are nice and all, but they can also bore readers. Though, I must say, this was a good piece of literature to read :D

Great writing and keep it up!

Lavvi
this tender selfmetamorpoiesisi have returned with the swell

What is to give light must endure burning. – Viktor Frankl




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 11542
Reviews 426
You need to do some proofreading; for a piece this short, there should be almost no grammar mistakes. For instance, toddler is spelled as "toddle" and "upon his child in attempt" (missing 'an').

I also thought this was quite odd:
For once, the calloused, masculine, homophobe

Why is homophobe included? It doesn't make sense, and instantly drew me out of the story you were writing. The problem with using loaded language is that it can stir emotion unrelated to the story. In this instance, I'd suggest getting rid of it.

All in all, I think you'd be better served by choosing one of the scenes you included and turning it into an actual story.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 9697
Reviews 3900
Hi Lena!

Nate got the spelling and grammar part, so I won't bug you about that! :D

Anyway, one of the things I would love to see is you going into more depth of your examples. For example, you have the hound... the toddler... the ewe. After a while, we get the point, but you keep rehashing the same idea over and over again. Try giving it variety! You might consider giving each snapshot a different meaning and then tying it together at the end. That will help the story out a lot!

Also, the rule of three should be noted here! The rule of three is basically when you use three main parts in a story. Fairytales use it all the time. It'll be much better if you can use it here.

Best of luck! :D
Ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est.

"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach

Moth and Myth <- My comic! :D




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 37146
Reviews 556
Hello there :)

Well, I think that the intension behind this post is quite creative. It could however use a little spicing up. I think that you gave too many examples or situations, leading to your last line and this overwhelmed the reader (me) a little bit. Even so, it was a great idea. Your ideas are really wise and well thought of and so a certain subtlety was maintained through out. I like your writing style, it's pretty good.
So, keep writing ;)
The best is what you make it!

...eh, need a review? Click me!



The beginning of wisdom is to call things by their right names.
— Chinese proverb