Sparkling

As we fly through the smoke -
Our arms out-stretched - Hope -
we land in the field of gravity.

Floating intoxication surrounds me
like bubbles - it tickles my
spine ever so slightly.

And the magic fades and I
touch the ground - Luscious
green - soft as flour.

I sigh out rays of sunshine
and fill my lungs with pollen -
I've waited my whole life
for this.

Hi Jon, It's Caitlin
First off, I'd like to say that I really like the simplicity of this poem. Somehow that makes it truly beautiful, and I can see the image you're trying to create. That being said, I have one tiny nit-pick. I feel that your last two lines would be stronger if you wrote them as
'I've waited for this
my whole life'
of course, feel completely free to ignore that, but somehow it just sounds better to me. Anyway, I really like this work

Oooooohhhhhh, I like this! Your imagery is lovely, and really carries the vivid yet dreamlike feeling of the poem well. I especially like the second stanza. My only quibble is that it was WAY too short!! When I finished it, I was like, "What??? That's the end???!!!" lol. Carry on, my friend, and by the way I love your signature!

I like this. It has really good imagery, which is real important for me. It kinda bothers me though that "this" isn't mentioned until the end. At some points, I felt lost and didn't know what to ascribe my emotions to, ya'know?

Right now your stanzas go: 1, 2, 3, 4, but I think it might sound really interesting to place them in the order: 4, 1, 3, 2. I REALLY liked your last stanza though. I had that "Oh" moment, from a poem, that I don't get that often. Sighing sunshine... wow....

Hey Jon!
I'm not entirely sure what this is about, but I still loved it! It made me happy.
The images you create are beautiful, my favorite being 'soft as flour'. I would never have thought of comparing ground to flour, but I think it's a perfect description - appeals to all the senses and all that.
So, yeah, not sure what it's about, you could maybe make it clearer, but maybe don't because it's good to make people think about it too.
Oh, and "I fill my lungs with pollen" makes me feel claustrophobic, while the rest of the poem is full of space and free-ness, but maybe that's just me with the claustrophobia The line does also have a syrupy feeling to it, which is more in keeping with the rest and probably closer to the intended effect.
Sorry if that made no sense, it is late.
Hope this helps in some way!
Lovely poem!

-pigeon

Haha, thanks everyone! ^^ I'm glad you like it.

Hey Jon!

The comment in capital letters is probably the most important one, but I felt bad for only giving out one comment, so here's a full critique.

As we fly through the smoke -
Our arms out-stretched - Hope -
we land in the field of gravity. <-- How can you land in a field of gravity? That makes no sense. You couldn't fly without gravity. Heck, you couldn't have smoke without gravity. So I am not sure why you are using this.

Floating intoxication surrounds me <-- Floating... intoxication? Really? What sort of image is this supposed to give us? Or are those words just coupled because you think they sound good together?
like bubbles - it tickles my
spine ever so slightly. <-- "ever so slightly" is a phrase you should ever so slightly ease out of poetry, I think. Why? Because it's long and clunky and it takes away from the image. Once again, it sounds less like you are focusing more on using words that sound good together and less on the actual meaning or effect on the poem.

And the magic fades and I
touch the ground - Luscious
green - soft as flour. <-- Um... exactly what kind of ground is this? Maybe the magic hasn't faded, lol. Grass or moss or whatever you're talking about is generally not as soft as flour.

I sigh out rays of sunshine
and fill my lungs with pollen - <-- THIS WOULD GIVE ME AN ASTHMA ATTACK. WTF?
I've waited my whole life
for this. <-- DEATH BY CHOKING ON MY OWN LUNG MUCUS.

Anyway.

So, basically, this poem seemed to be written to more sound pretty than actually mean anything. That is, there were some points where I was cocking my head, wondering what the blazes you were talking about because of the contradicting statements. But whatever... I may be reading too much in this. I am pretty sure that it was meant to be happy. So, basically, a really fluffy poem.

Now, the last stanza... I am guessing that you do not have any allergies of any type? That one line basically killed any sort of happiness that I may have felt for that poem. Though, really, I should still be happy since suffocating on mucus is the best thing EVAR.

Breathing in flowers is a more fantastic image without the whole ahhineedmyinhalernoworiwilldie sort of feeling. You may consider that instead?

Piggy, lol.

The thing with the pollen is that it's a flower. The narrator is dying, actually, lol.

I could go into technicalities with the gravity and flying and smoke...but that'd kill the feel I wanted it to have. Though, I suppose I could work on the 'ever so slightly' part and mix it up. ^^

Gracias, Piggy-wiggly! (Hm...I should write a poem about piggies!)


-Jon

Jon--
Let me start out with saying: you got SKILLS ON YOU. =) like someone else said: " The simplicity of it makes it beautiful." So I'm wondering what the topic or object of the poem was? PM me I suppose. Oh! And I think that it was very....moving, I guess would be the right way to describe it. You did a very awesome job on explaining the scenery, and controlling how to make an audience feel for it. Very awesome job dude.

creatively yours-- ASH

Hey, Jonboy.

I decided to review this after all. I've read it twelve times and don't need to quote your work; you know what you wrote. First off, I do like this. For a depressing pessimist like me, seeing a fluffier touch of death is a nice breath of country air. But please be sure that you're not so vague in your pleasantries that you misguide the reader toward not thinking about death.

On grammar, you used two forms of punctuation. Get rid of some of the dashes and try out a comma or semi-colon every now and then. I've noticed that you do this very often.

I'm not a huge fan (as you know) of the pollen line. But it's your poem. If you find beauty in it, then that's what matters...unless you want to be published.

My personal favorite line was regarding the field of gravity. It creates imagery without describing much at all. Good job.

<3 Turkeyface