First Day Of School

This was a fun project. I wrote it very quickly, just a fun idea. Enjoy!



My mother wakes me up
I really don't know why
"It's the first day of school!"
"What? Nobody told me!" said I.

"Why do I have such
a mindless daughter?
Go brush your teeth
and wake your father!"

"I do that everyday!"
"Go or you'll be late!"
"Why can't youdrive me?"
"Don't forget the key!"

"I said, why can't you drive me?"
"Stop chatting and make your bed!"
"You didn't answer my question!"
"Make sure the fish is fed!"

"Ma, the bus is here!"
"Wait, brush your hair!"
"But MA, I'm gonna be late!"
"Well, that's just your fate!"

"Argh, you're so annoying!"
"Don't talk to your mother like that!"
"So what, I don't care!
By the way, you're fat!"

And with that, I ran out the door
Don't want to hear anymore.
I know I will be grounded
Until I'm sixty-four.

And this is my story
Of a hectic first day
But don't you worry
This happens everyday!

Ha, ha that's cute! For a quick poem like that it's pretty good.
Just your last stanza:

And this is my story
Of a hectic first day
But don't you worry
This happens everyday!

There needs to be end punctuation on the second and third lines there. Probably just a typo, but poems without end punctuation can get confusing to read so I thought I'd just point that out real quick.
One thing I don't understand is why the mother would be calling the daughter fat and why she would say that while they're hurrying to leave the house... I don't know.
But nice, cute poem!

Hiya,

When I opened this poem up I was curious to see what I would find. There are quite a few poems about school but not really any about the first day. It's definitely fun and very cute, but it just doesn't feel satisfying. It doesn't feel like poetry, but rather a fiction piece without all of the benefits. The fast pace and lack of dialogue tags make it difficult to understand who's saying what and what's going on. On top of that, it's not really about the first day of school, but just waking up in the morning and getting ready--why would she not know that it was the first day of school? Why would her parents not tell her? You could substitute any random school day for this kind of morning.

What I think you need too is figure out the focus of the poem. Is it the first day of school, or the hectic morning? If it's the former, I'd condense the morning into one stanza or two, so you can tell us what you need to tell us and then get on with it so the poem doesn't stretch for too long. If it's the latter, It would still be need a bit of cleaning up. The argument with the mother just doesn't seem real enough--play more with emotions and inter-cut the dialogue with bits of narration. That way you'll get us into your narrator's head, and we will be able to feel. what's going on instead of wondering, 'what?'

Anyway, hope I wasn't too harsh! Again it is cute, and I can tell that you had fun. Send me a PM if you need anything further!

-Elinor x

If you liked this, please click "like"!! I would really appreciate it.

To Elinor Brynn, I wrote this peom really fast, and just wanted to see people's general comments. I didn't really think deep in thought about every ryhme scheme and just made up stuff along the way. It's what I call "fun writing", not "perfect writing". Of course, there is NO "perfect writing". I will use your advice for future poems but for now, it's just a fun project. No deep reviews!

More comments please! And please "like" this!!

I liked it and I don't need to critisize. I'm sure other people will do that for me. Although I have very little to critisize here.