Young Writers Society

JoJo hesitated before going into her next class, science. It was her favorite class, but today, she felt queasy, nervous, and afraid, to even step through the doorway. It was her favorite class because it was the last class of the day, and besides, Ms. Rodriguez, the science teacher, usually doesn't notice her much. Which was good. The only bad thing about science was that Julie and Ally were there, too.

Did the word about the incident in history class spread yet? Did Julie and Aly already hear about it? She sighed. It wasn't like she could do anything about it.

JoJo stepped through the threshold of the classroom. Her eyes quickly scanned the sunlit room. Posters with lame scientific jokes were stuck to the walls. A giant chart with the table of elements covered the whole half of the board. Ms. Rodriguez was sitting at her wooden desk in front, shuffling papers around, like usual. Everyone was filing in their seats, whispering to their friends. Were they talking about her? Her heart felt heavy when she saw Julie and Ally sitting at the front where the Populars always sat. They were giggling to themselves, as they set their backpacks on the floor next to the lab tables.

Her eyes kept scanning until they fell on an empty seat in a corner in the back of the room. No Populars were there, only the quiet people that nobody talked to. It looked safe enough. Only 55 minutes to get through until she can truly relax.

Ms. Rodriguez clapped her hands. She was wearing a long skirt and white blouse, like always. "Class, settle down! Today, we are going to begin working on our science fair projects. This year, everyone are required to have a partner. The research paper will be due..." she droned on and on in a monotone.

JoJo only listened until the "partners" part. She panicked, as she realized that for the first time, Aly wasn't her partner. Then who would be her partner? As much as she would like to admit it, she was pretty much friendless. She looked over at Aly. Perhaps she would feel guilty of today's incident and ask JoJo to be her partner? JoJo knew it was ridiculous to get her hopes up. Still, maybe she will turn around and smile...

She watched helplessly as Julie pointed at Aly, then back at herself, raising her eyebrows. Aly hesitated, then nodded. Julie flashed a wide smile at her. Aly pretended she didn't see that and didn't smile back.

JoJo's stomach flipped. How could Aly be such a traitor? Oh well, she’ll show her that she could manage on her own without Aly. She turned around. Nerdy Ned was picking his nose. Again. Ick, no! She would rather die than be partners with him.

The guy in front of her already found a partner. That left the girls on either side of her. On her left, a girl with brownish hair was reading a thick book. JoJo noticed her glasses were way rounder and thicker than other people’s. The girl on her right kept twirling her blonde pigtails while putting on lip balm. Better wannabe than nerd.

She leaned over and whispered while the teacher talked. “Do you wanna be partners?” she asked quietly.

“What?” the girl asked.

“I said, do you wanna be my partner?” JoJo said, a little louder this time.

“What? I can’t hear you!” the girl said.

“Do. You. Want. To. Be. My. Partner!” JoJo practically yelled, frustrated. Julie and Aly giggled. Oops. That was way too loud.

Ms. Rodriguez stopped talking about the project. “You two, stop talking. JoJo, no yelling in class! Detention after school, both of you.”

“But-“ the girl started, not twirling her hair anymore.

“No buts. You two deserved it. I absolutely do not accept talking in my classroom!” Ms. Rodriguez interrupted.

The girl huffed and glared at JoJo. “Thanks a lot, jerk!”

“You’re welcome!” JoJo shot back. She sighed. Now the Populars and one of the wannabes hate her. Down to Nerd Girl for partner candidates.

The bell rang. Finally, the end of the day! JoJo grabbed Nerd Girl’s arm before she left with the others. “Hey, wanna be partners?”

“Huh?” she looked genuinely confused.

“The science project? Were you even listening?”

‘Uhh…no. I mean, yeah, sure we can be partners.” She buried her nose back in her book and shuffled toward the door.

“Hey! We can work at my house tomorrow afternoon after school!” JoJo called out.

“Yeah, sure.” She mumbled before disappearing out the door.

JoJo stared after her. So nerdy. Too bad, she was stuck with her now; there was no going back. At least, she has a partner! She summed up today. Many haters, one partner, and still, no friends.

Hi WritingWords!

Did Julie and Aly already hear about it?

You just forgot to put a another L in her name.

She was wearing a long skirt and white blouse, like always.

I would say what color of skirt she was wearing, just because you said what color her blouse was.

This year, everyone are required to have a partner

I would put, This year, everyone is required to have a partner.

Aly wasn't her partner.

Forgot to put another L.

She looked over at Aly.

Okay, I just wondering, do you purposely spell Ally, 'Aly'? I don't really know a lot about names and stuff, I should be a blond.

I have to go, but I like it so far.


Hope I helped!
Jungle

Yeah, I did purposely spell "Aly" like that. I don't know why. Just my writing instincts. LOL. Well thanks anyways!

Heya

I'm here to review as requested. If I remember correctly, I have reviewed parts of this novel before. I do remember it, but because it was quite a while back, the details are kind of shabby. That's okay though, I'll still try my best to give you a decent review.

JoJo hesitated before going into her next class, Science. It was her favorite class, but today, she felt queasy, nervous, and afraid, You don't need this comma here. to even step through the doorway. It was her favorite class because it was the last class of the day. Besides, Ms. Rodriguez, the science teacher, usually didn't You changed the tense here. notice her much, which was good. The only bad thing about science was that Julie and Ally were there, too.

Had the word about the incident in history class spread yet?

They were giggling to themselves, as they set their backpacks on the floor next to the lab tables.

You don't need the comma here.

Only fifty five minutes to get through until she could truly relax.

Changed tenses again.

"Class, settle down! Today, we are going to begin working on our science fair projects. This year, everyone is required to have a partner.

As much as she hated to admit it, she was pretty much friendless. She looked over at Aly.

JoJo's stomach flipped. How could Aly be such a traitor? Oh well, she'd show her that she could manage on her own without Aly.

The guy in front of her had already found a partner.

Ms. Rodriguez stopped talking about the project. “You two, stop talking. JoJo, no yelling in class! Detention after school, both of you.”

That seems a little harsh... would someone really get detention for shouting? She might get shouted at and receive a warning but detention seems a little harsh.

“You’re welcome!” JoJo shot back. She sighed. Now the Populars and one of the wannabes hated her. Down to Nerd Girl for partner candidates.

JoJo doesn't really seem to have a certain personality. Merely minutes ago, JoJo was quiet and nervous. Now, all of a sudden, she's rather cocky and loud. It seems rather unrealistic.

JoJo stared after her. So nerdy. Too bad, she was stuck with her now; there was no going back. At least, You don't need this comma. she had a partner! She summed up today. Many haters, one partner, and still, no friends. You don't need these last two commas either.

Right now, JoJo seems like a selfish popular... the whole 'Too bad, she was stuck with her now; there was no going back' is the main reason for this. The previous chapters made JoJo come across as nice and selfless, but in this chapter, she seems like the complete opposite.


Overall

As a whole, this was pretty good. Although the idea behind this story is rather cliché, I quite like the way that you've written it. The whole clique kind of thing has been plenty of times before, so you must be careful that you don't make this boring and unoriginal. There is nothing wrong with creating a cliché based story, as long as you can keep it fresh and put your own unique twist to it. So yeah, this is fine as long as you make sure that things don't get overly cliché. When it comes to your characters, I do like them. There are a few things that confuse me about them, but I'll get onto that later on. When it comes to your grammar, I was pretty impressed. I did manage to find the odd mistake but there wasn't anything major that I picked up on. As for your spelling, I didn't find a single misspelled word.

My main critique is probably about JoJo's character. In the first few parts of this, JoJo came across as a quiet, nervous and not very self-confident kind of girl. She also came across like this in the beginning of this chapter. The problem is that, by the end of the chapter, she seems to turn into a girl with a completely different personality. She comes across as rather selfish and cocky. She doesn't seem like the sweet girl she was merely minutes ago. Instead, she seems quite aggressive and rather snappy. For example, when the girl can't hear what she is saying, JoJo begins to get rather angry and unlike herself. Now, I understand that not everyone is quiet all of the time, not everyone is happy all of the time, not everyone is sad all of the time etc. It's just that the change of personality was so sudden. One second, JoJo was quiet and worried about the populars, and the next, she was getting angry at some girl that she'd never met. Also, by the end of the chapter, she was beginning to actually sound like a popular. You need to be wary of this.

After reading this, I can tell you that this story does have potential. It isn't the most amazing thing that I've ever read, but it certainly isn't the worse, not at all. Your grammar is pretty good and your spelling is great throughout all of this, and I didn't find any misspelled words. You have a very nice balance of descriptions and actions in this. I don't feel as though you have too many descriptions and I don't think that you have too many actions either. Balancing actions and descriptions is very important in writing. All that you need to do now is to take into consideration what us reviewers have said. Once you've done that, you just need to edit this up a bit. If you do that, you could certainly end up with a really nice piece of writing.

Keep writing,

xoxo Rhian

Hey! Coco here, as requested Sorry this was so late!

WritingWords wrote:JoJo hesitated before going into her next class, science. It was her favorite class [repetition of class - try and pick another word like 'lesson'], but today, she felt queasy, nervous, and afraid [you don't need a comma here] to even step through the doorway. It was her favorite class because it was the last class of the day, and besides, Ms. Rodriguez, the science teacher, usually doesn't notice her much. Which was good. [This sentence should be put at the beginning when you first talked about science being JoJo's class].The only bad thing about science was that Julie and Ally were there, too.

Did the word about the incident in history class spread yet? Did Julie and Aly already hear about it? She sighed. It wasn't like she could do anything about it [add 'anyway' at the end of that sentence, I don't know why, I just think that it would make the sentence sound better].

JoJo stepped through the threshold of the classroom. Her eyes quickly scanned the sunlit room. Posters with lame scientific jokes were stuck to the walls. A giant chart with the table of elements covered the whole half of the board. Ms. Rodriguez was sitting at her wooden desk in [the] front, shuffling papers around, like usual. Everyone was filing in their seats, whispering to their friends [this sentence needs development, right now it's really basic]. Were they talking about her? Her heart felt heavy when she saw Julie and Ally sitting at the front where the Populars always sat. They were giggling to themselves, as they set their backpacks on the floor next to the lab tables. [The last two sentences should merge into one instead of being seperated as two different sentences]

Her eyes kept scanning [the classroom] until they fell on an empty seat in a corner in the back of the room. No Populars were there, only the quiet people that nobody talked to. It looked safe enough. Only 55 minutes to get through until she [could] truly relax.

Ms. Rodriguez clapped her hands [again, this needs to be developed, she clapped her hands in order to get the attention of her class, right? So you have to say that, otherwise it will just sound like the teacher randomly clapped her hands, do you understand?]. She was wearing a long skirt and white blouse, like always [I'm not a fan of this sentence. It just messes with the flow of the paragraph. If you really want to mention what the teacher was mentioning, try and mention it before when we are first introduced to Ms. Rodriguez]. "Class, settle down! Today, we are going to begin working on our science fair projects. [To me, the teacher's dialogue is very cliche - it's typical for a teacher to say this at the beginning of the class. Why not try something different?] This year, everyone [is] required to have a partner. The research paper will be due..." she droned on and on in a monotone.

JoJo only listened until the "partners" part [awkward sentence]. She panicked, as she realized that for the first time, Aly wasn't her partner. Then who would be her partner? [to me this sentence needs rephrasing] As much as she would like to admit it, she was pretty much friendless. She looked over at Aly. Perhaps she would feel guilty of today's incident and ask JoJo to be her partner [there shouldn't really be a question mark at the end of this] JoJo knew it was ridiculous to get her hopes up. Still, maybe she [mention Aly's name] will turn around and smile...

She watched helplessly as Julie pointed at Aly, then back at herself, raising her eyebrows. Aly hesitated, then nodded. Julie flashed a wide smile at her. Aly pretended she didn't see [it] and didn't smile back.

JoJo's stomach flipped. How could Aly be such a traitor? Oh well, she’[d] show her that she could manage on her own without Aly. She turned around. Nerdy Ned was picking his nose. Again. Ick, no! She would rather die than be partners with him.

The guy in front of her already found a partner. That left the girls on either side of her. On her left, a girl with brownish hair was reading a thick book. JoJo noticed her glasses were way rounder and thicker than other people’s. The girl on her right kept twirling her blonde pigtails while putting on lip balm. Better wannabe than nerd.

She leaned over and whispered while the teacher talked. “Do you wanna be partners?” she asked quietly.

“What?” the girl asked.

“I said, do you wanna be my partner?” JoJo said, a little louder this time.

“What? I can’t hear you!” the girl said.

“Do. You. Want. To. Be. My. Partner!” JoJo practically yelled, frustrated. Julie and Aly giggled. Oops. That was way too loud. [lol ]

Ms. Rodriguez stopped talking about the project. “You two, stop talking. JoJo, no yelling in class! Detention after school, both of you.” [ - seems a bit harsh, don't you think?]

“But-“ the girl started, not twirling her hair anymore [awkward sentence].

“No buts. You two deserved it. I absolutely do not accept talking in my classroom!” Ms. Rodriguez interrupted. [again, this seems like a bit of an unrealistically strict teacher]

The girl huffed and glared at JoJo. “Thanks a lot, jerk!”

“You’re welcome!” JoJo shot back. She sighed. Now the Populars and one of the wannabes hate her. Down to Nerd Girl for partner candidates.

The bell rang [Already? Didn't the class just start? If time has passed mention that]. Finally, the end of the day! JoJo grabbed Nerd Girl’s arm before she left with the others. “Hey, wanna be partners?”

“Huh?” she looked genuinely confused.

“The science project? Were you even listening?”

‘Uhh…no. I mean, yeah, sure we can be partners.” She buried her nose back in her book and shuffled toward the door.

“Hey! We can work at my house tomorrow afternoon after school!” JoJo called out.

“Yeah, sure.” She mumbled before disappearing out the door.

JoJo stared after her. So nerdy. Too bad, she was stuck with her now; there was no going back. At least, she has a partner! She summed up today. Many haters, one partner, and still, no friends.

So, although I haven't read the previous chapters, I thought that while this piece was okay, it lacked an element of excitement - one that makes readers want to read more.

There are some things that you can do in order to fix this. One of those things would be to really go back and edit this with a fine-tooth comb. You have many awkward sentences that pop up here and there that need to be rephrased in order to make your sentences and paragraphs flow.

Another thing that can be done is developing your sentences. Some of them are - at the moment - very basic and lack the element of uniqueness that every writer has. Bring out your uniqueness in your writing - I can tell your a person with a very quirky and fun personality, so project that in your writing!

Anyway, I hope I haven't been too harsh - If I have I'm sorry, I totally blame the crappy day that I had. Anyway, I hope I've helped. Your welcome to PM me for anything

*coco

Hey there! Sorry it took me such a long time to get to this, I usually let my reviews build up and then I attack five or so at once. But I'm here finally! I didn't read anything before this in your novel but I hope the review is still applicable!

I'd first like to say I was impressed by your story. I hope this doesn't sound condescending, I actually mean it to sound complimentary, but for someone of your age I was not expecting this great of writing. Your sentence structures are well put together, and for the most part you know what you're doing. I was pleasantly surprised and I'm excited to see someone so young with a concept on the basic skills of writing. It made me happy.

I noticed a lot of other people did smaller edits of your writing structure, sentences and all that but I'm going to give a broad review over the story as a whole because I find that helps a writer develop the "bigger stuff" instead of just knowing how to write good sentences.

Show Don't Tell

For the most part, you actually covered this well! You showed the story and didn't tell it, which is super important, but there were places I would have liked to seen more showing, particularly with the main characters emotions.

It was her favorite class, but today, she felt queasy, nervous, and afraid, to even step through the doorway.

I actually have two comments on this sentence, though. The first one is that if you're going to tell us something like this, pick one adjective to describe her and stick with it. Bulking up a sentence with adjectives doesn't help, instead pick the best one possible. "She felt queasy." But my true advice for this sentence would be to cut it. Never say "She felt" or "she was" when talking about emotion, if you can help it. Instead, show it. Are her hands shaking? is her stomach gurgling? Do her palms sweat so her books almost slip from her hands, causing further embarrassment among her ex-friends? Try imagining yourself in a nervous, irritating situation - or any situation in relation to what your character is facing - and think about how you might feel. Try to explain this feeling with your senses. My feet feel hot and tingly when I'm nervous, my ears ring loudly. What happens to you? Maybe, something completely different happens to your character. Maybe she thinks she having a heart attack because her chest feels like it's collapsing?

There are so many things you could write to get across the show instead of the tell. The reason it's so important to do this is because it forces you to use imagery and use more vivid language, and when you do that, your reader will feel what your character is going through, they will immediately connect. You want your reader to care about, and relate to you character. What better way to do that than tap into their natural tendency to be anxious? I will warn not to over due this though. One, two sentences would suffice for it, and you don't have to show every emotional experience. Some times telling is good, in quick situations. But here, showing would best benefit you.

Cliche Shmiche

I know your novel is "Popularity Wars" and it's all about high school and the big battle to be noticed, but I want to help you out with the clichés. It's okay if you're going to write about her trying to become popular, even if I personally think that's a weird goal to have. When I was in high school, and even middle school, it as quickly apparent that no one was really "popular" in the evil, cliché sense that most movies made it to be. Maybe it was just my school, or maybe those movies really are nonsense. The people who were truly popular, one girl I was friends with in particular, were the nice people. Everyone loved her because she was nice to everyone, she never judged anyone. So, I never thought the idea of popularity was standard. It didn't matter, you just hung out in your own group and it was happy like that, cuz friends are cool.

But, you don't have to change your central story for that fact but I think you should develop your secondary characters more. In this section you've got Nerdy Ned (wow, what a classy name. ) and the Nerdy Girl. What makes Nerdy Ned so nerdy, or creepy? You know, other than picking his nose. Does he like science, weathervains, pokemon? Why does no one like him? Why do people find him icky? Not just your average answers, come up with unique ones that'll make your Nerdy Ned stand out from every other nerd you wrote about. Same thing with Nerdy Girl. Not every bookworm has thick glasses. I was a bookworm, I was also a bit of a goth in middle school, and just lazy in highschool. I have glasses - but they sure aren't thick. I was the chick who got answers right in literature class, and scared people away because they thought I was full of myself (accidently!). But, to your own charater. Why does she walk around with her book stuck in her nose? Does she have something in her real life she is trying to hide from? Does she have a great love for wild imagination, she wants to be freed from the bars of her "normal" life? Does she dream of big beefy fabio-like men? What book is she reading? Is it young adult, horror, romance, literature, or even comic books? Does she read manga? Does she have any other friends?

You could ask so many more questions than these. You don't have to answer them all. What I'm saying is that you would greatly benefit from developing your secondary characters beyond the cliché. They don't have to be as vivid as your main character, but they need to be alive. A great writer friend of mine told me that he never adds a character, not a one, not even someone who shows up for one scene, who isn't important and isn't real, alive, vivid. They need some kind of existence. Because if you think about it, those people are still people -we're just not seeing their whole lives because we're looking at the world through JoJo's eyes. But you need to know what they're like.

Another reason further developing beyond the clichés will help you is because it will distinguish your work from the numerous other high school-themed young adult books out there. You'll have an attention to detail that others might not have considered. It won't take you long to develop them, but I highly suggest you consider it! Especially because JoJo is partnered with one of them - she'll need to get to know Nerd Girl better.

--

I hope this helps! Sorry I rambled but I was trying to say everything as best I could. If you have any questions, feel free to send me a PM!

Hey Amy. Sorry for this very late review, but I had been stuck with other reviews, and honestly I totally forgot about it after sometime.

Posters with lame scientific jokes were stuck to the walls. A giant chart with the table of elements covered the whole half of the board.

I just believe that you can squeeze these two sentences and make them into one.

They were giggling to themselves, as they set their backpacks on the floor next to the lab tables.

You don't need a comma here.

Only 55 minutes to get through until shecan could truly relax.

Amy, you never write the digit anywhere in a literary piece. It always has to be spelled until it's an year or a date.

This year, everyone are required to have a partner. The research paper will be due..." she droned on and on in a monotone.

When there's one anywhere the word becomes plural and henceforth you would have to use 'is' here.
Some other examples: Everyone was whispering in the cafeteria. OR Everybody was going out of the building. (Body is also singular)

She would rather die than be partners with him.

LOL...

This first of all didn't seem as a chapter to me. If it's a chapter it should be of some solid length(I don't mean long, queasy ones), but something that just doesn't end without some thing good or action.

I would agree with Skins that Jojo seemed like a quite character to me before, but now she turns out to be some mean, little devil, taking out her frustrations on others. Well, I think it happens that people who are always bullied take out their anger at the ones who are a bit weaker than them. If this is the case, then the character is going on the smooth line.

For a twelve year old you have a good vocabulary and great grammar. Grammar wise it was hard to find something negative, but I tried my best.

The biggest thing which I found odd here was the way your sentences end abruptly. Like some sentences could have been made into one but you divided them into several sentences. I don't mean at all that small sentences are bad at all, but writing your sentences in similar fashion gets boring. Keep a balance of long, medium and short sentences. When I think you would say more I this sentence, it ends.


I don't have much to say, other than the thing that this is the correct time to start developing your characters. Anything I would have liked to said has pretty much been covered by others.

Bid adieu. I would try to come soon for next chapter whenever it's posted.

~Shubhi

Hiya! Dreamy here as requested.

So, I'd say all my little nitpicks have been covered by others, so I won't repeat them. Here's my general impression (hehe. I love the new checklist):

This is an immature piece. Let me explain. You have a rather cliche plot. Readers tend to not like to read the same things over and over again. Now, some people can pull off a cliche plot and still have a good book. For example, the Clique series has a very similar plot to many other books. But look at how popular that book has become.Therefore, I don't think you should give up on your plot- but I think you'll need to brush up on these next few areas if you want this cliche to be a success.

Well developed characters-

So far, all your characters are flat. They have no real personality. Sure, you've got the mean Populars, nerds, and wanabes... but they're not interesting. At all. I don't sympathize with any of them. You need to round them out. Give them fears, hopes, quirks. Nobody's perfect. Your main character, for example, seems to want nothing more than to be popular... yet she's not a wannabe. How does this work out? Is she just incredibly shy? Does she have a history of fights with some of the Populars? Give us something to go on. Your characters also have labels. Nerdy Ned, for example. That sounds like a name you'd hear on a toddler's telly show. You don't need to tell us in his name that he's a nerd. We can tell by him picking his nose.

Given, I have not read the first two chapters. But you need to keep your characters consistent. The goth girl should not start wearing pink in the next chapter, without her transitioning to it.

Style of writing-

Your style of writing is very straightforward.This can be a good thing. However, in series about popularity, it's not always. You need to describe more. What makes Populars popular? Is it their clothes? Do they play sports? Are they simply mean to everyone else? Describe them more. How do they sit? How do they carry themselves? Do they exude confidence, or meanness? Show, don't tell. Give us a feel for the story.
You also jump around in the tenses.For example: The sentence "Mary is wearing a blue hat. I wore a green one." Doesn't make sense. You cannot say that something is happening currently, but then jump into the future and reflect. Choose a tense and stick to it.
Your style sounds as though a very young person is telling this. You use simple words,and the things that happen are the types of things you'd expect to happen in a fifth grade classroom. If this takes place in fifth grade, then great. Keep doing what you're doing. But if this takes place in middle or high school, you need to fix some things. There needs to be more drama. Older kids don't just sit there picking their noses and wishing they could be popular. They use words stronger than "jerk." They often have boyfriends/girlfriends. And they don't give the cliques names, like Populars. They might call them "the popular crowd" or just "the clique". "Populars" sounds like, as I said, a name fifth graders would use.

So, i think I've covered what I needed to cover. Your story seems like it would be terrific for the younger crowd- fourth and fifth graders. But If you're trying to appeal to middle/high schoolers, you need to "mature" the style of writing. Keep writing! This story has potential.

-Dreamy

Heya there, WW! Here to review as requested!!

Overall Impression:
I have read the previous two chapters and I agree with a lot of others in saying that it is quite a cliche idea for a girl trying to fit in in middle school. Some of the characters are quite realistic, but still could be improved. The beginning didn't flow that well, but the end was like how a normal chapter should end. Now let me go into more detail.

Underlined: Get rid of
Purple: My comments or suggestions

Suggestions and Nitpicks:
Sorry if I accidentally repeat what the others have said:

Ms. Rodriguez, the science teacher, usually doesn't notice her much.

They were giggling to themselves, as they set their backpacks on the floor next to the lab tables.

Julie flashed a wide smile at her. ;Aly pretended she didn't see that and didn't smile back.

Oh well, she’ll she'dshow her that she could manage on her own without Aly.

She leaned over and whispered while the teacher talked. “Do you wanna be partners?” she askedtry using something like murmured, or mumbled. quietly.

“What?” the girl asked.

“I said, do you wanna be my partner?” JoJo said instead of using said, try something else, like repeated, a little louder this time.

“What? I can’t hear you!” the girl said. Again, maybe another word, like replied.

“Do. You. Want. To. Be. My. Partner! I'm not sure about this. It's looks a bit weird with all of the full stops. Do you want to be my partner! looks perfectly fine, I guess that this bit is up to you” JoJo practically yelled, frustrated. Julie and Aly giggled. Oops. That was way too loud.

She sighed. Now the Populars and one of the wannabes hate hatedher.

She summed up today. :many haters, one partner, and still, no friends.

Character:
JoJo: The MC of the story. This character is quite hard to relate to for some people. I don't think that there is a person like JoJo in every middle school who is battling it out to be popular. However this makes the character sort of different, but still, characters that people can relate to are always someones favourites. Already from three chapters I know a lot about her personality and they way she handles different situations. I hope that further on in the story I learn more about her family back round and what life is like for her at home. I don't personally like her characteristics, but this doesn't mean that she is a bad character. My favourite characteristic is probably the way she can sometimes shrug things off.
Aly, Julie and the rest of the 'Populars': If I'm being totally honest they seem a bit fake to me. Maybe it's because I don't know much about school in America, but nobody is that determined to make someones life that bad. About Aly, why did she all of a sudden turn to the Populars? Maybe you could go more in depth with what actually happened later on. JoJo seems like she really misses Aly, I think that you could include some flashbacks sometimes, and JoJo can express all of her emotion.

Plot so far:
Although I don't really read this genre of books I am quite enjoying it. There are a few answers to questions which I soon hope to find out. Like: 'Will Aly ever become friends with JoJo, or will she stay with the Populars? and What happens to Julie at the end? She seems like the leader of the Populars. Although the plot is very cliche, you can change what usually happens at times like this. Prove to everyone that your story is different to others on this subject.

Wording:
You have quite a good use of rhetorical questions, however there seem to be a tad too much. If this story were first person I think that it would be ok how many rhetorical questions there are. In a couple of your paragraphs the sentence structure and wording really doesn't flow as your read it. I think that this paragraph could be worded a bit better:

She watched helplessly as Julie pointed at Aly, then back at herself, raising her eyebrows. Aly hesitated, then nodded. Julie flashed a wide smile at her. Aly pretended she didn't see that and didn't smile back.

I also think that you could expand your vocabulary a bit more, like using other words for said or going more into depth with some description.

I really hope this helped, this is probably one of my longest reviews. Not that your piece had so many things that it could improve on, but I felt like doing this!

~Tamara

Hello there again, WW!

Here as requested.

Comments and suggestions in RED.

<Forgive me in advance, if ever I am going to be so harsh> ^^

JoJo hesitated before going into her next class, science. It was her favorite class, but today, she felt queasy, nervous, and afraid, to even step through the doorway. It was her favorite class because it was the last class of the day, and besides, Ms. Rodriguez, the science teacher, usually doesn't notice her much. Which was good. The only bad thing about science was that Julie and Ally were there, too.

This honestly turned me off and to mention that this is your starting paragraph. Repetitions are staring to grow and annoy me a bit. So I just want to say that, rephrase that and use words but has the same meaning with those repeated words.

Did the word about the incident in history class spread yet?

I think you can just delete the colored words, since it seems that the flow is better without it.

Only 55 minutes to get through until she can truly relax.

It could be better if you have just spelled that out.

This year, everyone is required to have a partner.

~

Okay, so this is what all I can do for you. Hope you don't mind because I'm not going to repeat anymore what the above reviewers have said already. In my opinion, you can make this chapter better. Though I'm not saying this is a bad one, but still, you only fill this chapter talking only how your main character finding for a partner. I mean, that's all? There's nothing compelling about this. I wasn't entertained that much, honestly. Also, I'll have to say that you use good words and describe more. Even though this is somewhat cliche' but still, it would be really nice if you have add extra effort just so this could turn into a pretty good chapter. Anyways, I won't say much. However, I can see that you're struggling very well and much improving now and that's probably a good thing. Anyways, I thank you once again for the good read and PM me for questions.

Keep writing!

Peace out!

~yuri

Thanks, guys for reviewing this. I haven't been working on this novel for a while now, since I was busy. But, I feel like I should continue it. After all, I never really finished anything I've started as a novel. In order to do that, please support me by giving me the encouragement I need! Thank you guys! Post in my profile if you want to offer a word of encouragement!