Mirror Girl

Lumierre wrote:The diamond girl was flawless,
her form and gait pristine.
God made her eyes from stars and seas,
and stroked his jealousy.

"My dear," Hell said, "come closer now,"
the virgin girl complied.
He stained her skin like bloody rags
in his lustful devil-eyes.

Then Satan burned her in her sleep
and sewed her lips together;
and with the fires of hell he sealed
her in the glass forever.

Behind the glass, she faded fast
and God would never know
that mirror girl was held captive
with a phantom in her soul.

perdido wrote:I'm a be hard on this

The diamond girl was flawless,
her form and gait pristine.
God made her eyes from stars and seas,
and stroked his jealousy.

Nice meter, its well done but it makes it sound nursery-rhymy and sing songy and boring. Also, stroked his jealousy? Kinda sounds like God is masturbating. Just sayin' Some of the words seemed a bit rushed because of the meter. Like gait, and stroked his jealousy.

"My dear," Hell said, "come closer now,"
the virgin girl complied.
He stained her skin like bloody rags
in his lustful devil-eyes.

describing hell as having ;lustful devil' eyes i dumb. Its like saying 'green grassy grass'. Also bloody rags sounds like some kind of weird code for something about menstrual cycles.

Then Satan burned her in her sleep
and sewed her lips together;
and with the fires of hell he sealed
her in the glass forever.

you have a character change from Hell to Satan, but that's because of that damn METER. I thought maybe there was some sort of pattern for rhyme, but there isn't and it upsets me. You should either have a consistent pattern, or none at all.

Behind the glass, she faded fast
and God would never know
that mirror girl was held captive
with a phantom in her soul.

such a weak ending. She faded away and God didn't know and probably didn't care, this is the first time we hear her referred to as 'the mirror girl' which is problematic because it has a lot of implications that are never really spoken about.

So its hard to talk about poems like this because they live inside such a rigid structure, so I guess what I'd say is... good job. This form is really hard and usually forgotten and you've actually got meter down unlike a lot of other people who try this kind of thing. SO remember, consistent rhyme scheme... and try to be more creative with your descriptions. its easy to be bland with such a tight form.

best,

Lumi wrote:The diamond girl was flawless,
her form and gait pristine.
God made her eyes from stars and seas,
and stroked his jealousy.

You talk of her in a way that God made her special. However, you say that she complies to Hell's wishes. I like the rhyme and flow, but there's no reason she'd comply...why would she? She's God's girl. A 'special' one. Also, don't you think God would over see his unique creation? Especially if jealousy is involved. Wouldn't he storm Hell and get her back?

Behind the glass, she faded fast
(The rhyme here is forced and almost predictable. Change this first line up.)

and God would never know
that mirror girl was held captive
with a phantom in her soul.

I like it for the image. However, some parts need fixing.

Behind the glass, she faded fast
and God would never know
that mirror girl was held captive
with a phantom in her soul.

The diamond girl was flawless,
her form and gait pristine.
God made her eyes from stars and seas,
and stroked his jealousy.

Behind the glass, she faded fast
and God would never know
that mirror girl was held captive
with a phantom in her soul.

perdido wrote:I'm a be hard on this

The diamond girl was flawless,
her form and gait pristine.
God made her eyes from stars and seas,
and stroked his jealousy.

Nice meter, its well done but it makes it sound nursery-rhymy and sing songy and boring. Also, stroked his jealousy? Kinda sounds like God is masturbating. Just sayin' Some of the words seemed a bit rushed because of the meter. Like gait, and stroked his jealousy.

"My dear," Hell said, "come closer now,"
the virgin girl complied.
He stained her skin like bloody rags
in his lustful devil-eyes.

describing hell as having ;lustful devil' eyes i dumb. Its like saying 'green grassy grass'. Also bloody rags sounds like some kind of weird code for something about menstrual cycles.

Then Satan burned her in her sleep
and sewed her lips together;
and with the fires of hell he sealed
her in the glass forever.

you have a character change from Hell to Satan, but that's because of that damn METER. I thought maybe there was some sort of pattern for rhyme, but there isn't and it upsets me. You should either have a consistent pattern, or none at all.

Behind the glass, she faded fast
and God would never know
that mirror girl was held captive
with a phantom in her soul.

such a weak ending. She faded away and God didn't know and probably didn't care, this is the first time we hear her referred to as 'the mirror girl' which is problematic because it has a lot of implications that are never really spoken about.

So its hard to talk about poems like this because they live inside such a rigid structure, so I guess what I'd say is... good job. This form is really hard and usually forgotten and you've actually got meter down unlike a lot of other people who try this kind of thing. SO remember, consistent rhyme scheme... and try to be more creative with your descriptions. its easy to be bland with such a tight form.

best,