Mirror Girl

The diamond girl was flawless,
her form and gait pristine.
God made her eyes from stars and seas,
and stroked his jealousy.

"My dear," Hell said, "come closer now,"
the virgin girl complied.
He stained her skin like bloody rags
in his lustful devil-eyes.

Then Satan burned her in her sleep
and sewed her lips together;
and with the fires of hell he sealed
her in the glass forever.

Behind the glass, she faded fast
and God would never know
that mirror girl was held captive
with a phantom in her soul.

Hello there

Yeah, you are right about the last stanza, but only the fact that it did not have the same rhythm as the others. So, I really liked this poem, okay, a lot. I think I haven't seen something like this in a while and it was refreshing! The imagery, the rhythm or flow, everything is just well written.

"Dear," Hell said, "come closer now,"
the virgin girl complied.
He stained her skin like bloody rags
in his lustful devil-eyes.

I just love this part.

I have no serious complaints which is a good thing; and don't stress yourself too much about the last stanza or else it won't cpme out right like the others

Good job

Hello there!

Before I start talking about anything else, please keep in mind that I'm not very good at reviewing poems. Oh well.

The diamond girl was flawless,
her form and gait pristine.
God made her eyes from stars and seas,
and stroked his jealousy.

The opening is pretty good and it captured my attention immediately. But I'm a bit confused, whose jealousy is being stroked? (I don't think I'm making sense at all, but still...)

"Dear," Hell said, "come closer now,"
the virgin girl complied.
He stained her skin like bloody rags
in his lustful devil-eyes.

This is my favourite stanza! I particularly liked the part about staining her skin.

So behind the glass, she faded fast
and her love would never know
that mirror girl was comatose
with a phantom in her soul.

God pressed the cancer to her breast,
yet she shimmered like a star; and
she shattered on her bedroom floor
and died among the shards.

I don't think the ending is flimsy at all!
Ugh. I don't know what else I should say. But anyway, it's pretty good already and I don't think you should change the whole poem just for the sake of the last stanza.

Keep up the good work!

-Rosie =]

P.S: I "awww"ed when I knew who you were writing about.

Heya, Lumi! I didn't find anything other than what they said to be out of place. However, the last stanza is rather irrelevant and the poem would be much better if you just cut it out entirely. Sure it would be short, but it would be better. And when you said "Dear" Hell said "Come closer now", I loved it! The syllables were just one off, so I think it would flow more smoothly if you put "My dear". But I look foreward to reading more from you!




~Sarah~

Hello Lumierre!
I love this poem! I think it's beautifully written, I don't recommend changing it in the least bit. I love the struggle there is between God and Lucifer! It's unfortunate that the devil would win, but it serves as an amazing poem. I feel like it shows that the mirror girl's beauty was only skin deep because she betrayed her creator to join sides with the enemy, who locked her away.

My favorite part would have to be the final line

Behind the glass, she faded fast
and God would never know
that mirror girl was held captive
with a phantom in her soul.

Keep up the good work!!
-SodapopLunchbox

First of all, I have to confess, this is going to be more of a total gush-fest than a critique, because I cannot find anything wrong with this! Wonderful rhythm, haunting imagery, excellent diction, and even some smooth slant rhyme in there. Great work. The title is very provocative and immediately peaks my interest. The imagery is indelible but most importantly, it's all very cohesive, stemming from the same theme. For me, almost everything about this poem (the title, the content, the meaning, the word choice) evokes Sylvia Plath, one of the all-time greats. Rock on, you!

Hey Lumierre!

I have to admit, this was really well written. The whole message was very clear, very strong too, and the flow was all right.

Just one little nitpick:

Lumierre wrote:The diamond girl was flawless,
her form and gait pristine.
God made her eyes from stars and seas,
and stroked his jealousy.

Who is the 'his' referring to here? (I'm confused)

Anyway, good work, keep it up!

Hi, I thought your poem was good. I loved the second stanza.
The topic seemed very constant throughout the poem. I say this because i have read poetry and the topic just changes.
I think the topic should just be constant, not boring, but you know what I mean.
Keep Writing~ SimonCowellLuver

Dear Lumiere, my beauty and the beast friend.

your poetry brings light in me that will never end

your words me to heavan, or hell, would send

my dear, is my favourite greet

without it you cannot share this feat

as lust over god will always beat

like the diamond girl, your words are flawless

but poetry now cannot be lawless

although of all the laws, goodness is the smallest

this tale is a stroy of riches to rags

and good to bad- that old hag

maybe someone should have bought her a nice bag

then her gait could have remained pristine

gargling on her listerine

she may have been able to stay clean

Lumi this is amazing the flow and beauty of piece really made me appreicate rhyming poetry again. I've no complaints the story told well with exellent clear and concise stanzas to capture the key faces of this diamond. And if I may I have a challenge for you, write this as a horror short story. Love to see it done .

This is just superb I'll be keeping eye out for your poems more!

Lum!

You didn't tell me you edited this! Why didn't you tell me? It's perfect now. You've hit the right line lengths and the right tone in each stanza. The last is my favourite entirely. Most excellent work here, I'm terribly impressed with this.

I will watch out for you later as well.

*Hearts* Le Penguin.

Hi! Great poem. It reminds me of Bloody Mary, is that what you were going for? Anyway this tells a great story and it was, as ziggiefred said, refreshing to hear.

...That's all I have to say. Bye now!

Hello there, Lum-eh!

*laughs*

The only thing that really bothers me is... nothing. haha. As far as I could see, this is very well-written and the things that I like here is how you rhyme and use good words. This entertained me from the first line until the very last one. In my opinion, you're really good at making poems.

Really, as what they say, this is refreshing and flawless, and I agree with them.

So far, so good.

Sorry, if you see this review short because I could see no grammatical errors here or whatsoever. Boy you've got some skills.

And I'm sometimes vague when it comes to reviewing poems. *laughs again*

Keep up the good work and peace out!

~yuri

Brilliant imagery. A mournful story but beautifully told. Thanks for sharing!

I kept on expecting her to be freed.. haha.
Incredible imagery, well told story, and rhythm like a healthy heartbeat. Slow and steady, powerful and concise. Great job. c:

Coral