The Girl Without Keys

This a piece I submitted for Lilymoore's contest. My prompt picture was One of God's Mistakes.
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"Who do you think you are?"
Ashley looked up from behind the cloud of smoke that encircled her. She slowly pulled the cigarette out of her mouth and blew, watching in satisfaction as more of the gray-ish gas built up. Carefully, she pushed herself away from the stone railing she had been leaning on so she could face the man.
"I think I'm Ashley Timber, enjoying a cigarette. Who do you think you are?"
The man, coughing and waving the smoke away, walked straight up to the girl and stopped. He was wearing a heavy overcoat with a hat slightly tipped down, his dark brown eyes shining with emotions that Ashley didn't want to place, his blonde hair almost completely hidden behind his consuming black hat.
"I'm Jason Jay, the pastor's son, wondering who you think you are to be smoking a cigarette on the site of God's holy place."
Casually, Ashley glanced behind her back to see the church. To be honest, it was quite a beautiful thing, towering up and above the other houses as if it were the only one who had God's hand on it. After a moment of thought, she turned back to Jason.
"Jason Jay. Your parents musta had a cow when they thought up that name." Chuckling softly, she sucked on her cigarette viciously.
Jason scowled. "Are you waiting for the church doors to open? 'Cause I ain't letting you in with a cigarette in your hands. You'd burn the whole church down, you would."
"I would gleefully," came her dark response. "But even after all this, I'd never go into the church with a cigarette." She again turned to look at the church, this time letting the memories of the place fill her. She could see herself, nothing but a young girl, grasping excitedly to her mother's hand, already babbling about what the Sunday school teacher had promised to teach her that day--and she could remember, every single Sunday, her father would stop right outside the church and dispose of his cigarette in the waste bin. Her mother would often scold him, say it could catch on fire and burn the church down. His response would be, with a snicker, "If this is truly God's place, he wouldn't let it burn down." And this is the philosophy that kept Ashley from finding a new place to smoke every morning. All she would do was sit in front of the church, smoking, watching the ladies dressed in their ruffles pass by and whisper secrets about her, trying to guess her past. None of them ever could. Nobody ever would.
As if reading her mind, Jason pushed on, "What do you mean, 'even after all this'?"
Ashley looked back at him, her eyes shimmering with amusement. "So, you walk to the church, criticize a future church-goer, and then, when they get silent, badger them about their past? And I always wondered why this church had hardly any members." She shook her head pitifully and laughed.
"You've been to this church?"
"Have I! For the first twelve years of my life, I went here." She put the cigarette back in her mouth, sucking it deeply for a moment, then blew out. She grinned when Jason coughed and waved the smoke away angrily.
"What happened?"
"Why do you need to know?"
"'Cause I ain't havin' some past convict sittin' on my daddy's church."
"I find it funny how I haven't had a home for five years and my grammar is still better then yours." She leaned back on the railing of the church, smiling to herself. "Yeah, I was a writer a while ago. Oh," she said when he saw his surprise, "you like that? Yeah. So did my first boyfriend." She straightened her black hat and hair, made sure the white bow in the back was completely in place, and brushed any lint or dust off of her black top while arranging the silver-ish plastic pearls on each of her shoulders. Then she straightened up, like about to give a performance, and began.

"Oh, through the noise of the distant trees, comes the story of the girl without keys.
She needed none for she had no home, and all she could do each day was roam.
Every time she got comfortable she picked up and moved, she knew she had to leave for her heart was never soothed.
People glared and spat when they heard of her tale, which is why no one came to pay her constant bail.
She soon tired of having no friends and living alone, and her heart felt like an empty water cone.
Her death would be remembered by not even one, and her tale would be considered nothing more than a pun.
It started with a mistake on a night with a boy, when he used her as nothing but a toy.
When her pregnancy was found she was cast out and rejected, she was hated by her own family and tried as if infected.
But one day it just seemed too much, she felt like her life was disappearing in a rush.
She ran out and did crazy things she swore never to do, and got in terrible trouble every day night and noon.
Still nobody cared for the girl without keys, because to them she was just like a tree.
She was there and probably always would be, but you could not consider her existence too deeply.
And I tell my tale today, even though I might have scared you away.
I can no longer stand to be silent; if I am I would again turn very violent.
So this is the story of the girl without keys, through the noise of the distant trees."

A stretch of silence filled the air after her words were spoken. She looked up to see Jason standing there, stiffly and awkwardly, looking at her with sad eyes behind his hat.
“Yes, I know,” she whispered softly, looking down and leaning against the post again. “I even wrote that on the spot, too. Talk about talent.” She grinned to herself and looked up, but by the time she had glanced up, she could just see Jason retreating around the edge of the church, no doubt about to sneak into the back.
Ashley stood there and watched as his coat disappeared from behind the side of the church. She bit her lip slightly, glanced at the ground, and leaned against the post once again. By now her cigarette was nearly finished. She threw it away distastefully, and took out another one. She lit it and slowly sucked it, staring at her feet sadly.
Though it shouldn’t have hurt so bad, she felt a heavy sadness in her heart. Almost immediately the back of her neck turned hot from embarrassment, not only for dumping her soul to someone who didn't care, but because of the tears fighting their way down her cheeks.
She glared at the women in the ruffles, giggling at her misery, and wiped away her tears with the back of her hand. She knew she had to be strong, once again. It seemed she never could have a moment of weakness without her heart breaking.
And so she stood there, staring at her feet, fighting back tears, because still no one cared for the girl without keys.

GoldenQuill! It's Sporks! Before I begin my review, I want to thank you for reviewing my work.
Also, the title of that picture is a line from one of my most favorite songs! (I wonder if lilymoore is familiar with Placebo.) In fact, I listened to the song while reading this, and honestly, it worked.

Anyway, I usually address grammar first, since that's the boring part. I couldn't find anything major, other than some awkward wording:

grasping excitedly to her mother's hand,

Personally, it read strangely. I thought a better way would be "excitedly grasping her mother's hand."

Now, onto the storyline.

OH MY GOSH. I absolutely loved this piece, GoldenQuill! It's lovely, well-worded, and you took the prompt in a very clever and original direction. I liked the rhyme toward the end, and the dialogue, the characterization. Oh, who am I kidding? I love this piece. I'm not just saying that because you reviewed my work. xD It' great. Normally, I'd say expand on it, but I think this piece is enough for the story.

~Sporks

Hey-oh!

This was lovely. I clicked on the picture before I read the piece and it works so wonderfully. Nice interpretation of the prompt.

Some nitpicks:

He was wearing a heavy overcoat with a hat slightly tipped down, his dark brown eyes shining with emotions that Ashley didn't want to place, his blonde hair almost completely hidden behind his consuming black hat.

You talk about his hat twice in one sentence and it seems a bit funny. Either mention his hair when you first talk about the hat or move the mention of the hat back to fit in with the hair?

The bit of rhyme: was that supposed to be just rhyming prose or was it supposed to be a poem? It struck me as more of a poem. In any case, the way it is formatted is wonky. It's this huge block of text that's really hard to read, let alone enjoy the rhymes.

Ashley seems kind of talky, sort of spilling her woes and everything. It bothered me at first, then I realized she's probably doing it for some sort of human contact. If that's true, then perhaps make a bigger deal of the fact that Jason left in the middle of her conversation with him, that he's not willing to listen to her. It's an emotional moment when you realize that she might just want someone to care and that no one does, so milk it for all it's worth.

All in all, I liked this. It was sweet and short and sad. Quite lovely.

Good luck in the contest!

~GryphonFledgling

Hi Quill. I thought I'd come check this out since you reviewed my piece. It amazes me how two people can use the same picture as a prompt but write about something so different. Anyway to the review.

Nitpicks:

"I would gleefully," came her dark response.

To me this sounded weird. I know with Ashley's personality she is trying to be sarcastic and stubborn and doesn't want to listen to Jason but reading it all together with what she said and how you describe her saying it, it sounds odd.

grasping excitedly to her mother's hand,

I agree with Spork, this sounded a bit off, too. Maybe reword it to: grasping her mother's hand excitedly? I'm not sure.

Overall:
I liked it a lot. I agree with Gryphon she's very talky and that makes me feel bad for her. I can tell that she doesn't have much human contact and that she wants people to know her story so that maybe she'll be understood. I think you did a good job of showing that. I didn't really understand the title though. Sorry if it makes a bunch of sense and I'm just oblivious but it didn't click with me. I also liked that you made it sad at the end, with Jason retreating. It didn't turn into a happy ending like most people would want it too and that's what made it different. You picked something from the character's life (sadness) and kept it there through out the whole story. I think that made me feel for her more.
Great job and I hope this helps

~peanut~

I’m baaaack! Hehehe

she sucked on her cigarette viciously.

“Sucked” feels like the wrong word. “puffed” maybe?


Griff is right about the italicized part. I think it would do better in a poem format instead of in that huge block of text. It would be much easier to read. However, when I read it out loud, it sounded great so that’s a plus.

But I like the emotion here. It’s sad and it does reach out for some sort of happy ending. People always try to make the ending happy and it’s just not fun when they do that.

There really isn’t much to say about this. I liked it a lot. It was mature and more modern than what I was expecting. You usually write fantasy so reading this caught me off guard…but in a good way.

Anyways, thank you for writing this and thanks for entering the contest.
Good luck and happy writing, Aush!

~lilymoore

Hey!

Wow, I quite like this. I love how...mysterious Ashley is. You did a great job with the characters, and the imagery of this piece. Overall this was very well worded, as Spork said. And I think you did a pretty good job turning that picture into a story!

GoldenQuill wrote:"Oh, through the noise of the distant trees, comes the story of the girl without keys. She needed none for she had no home, and all she could do each day was roam. Every time she got comfortable she picked up and moved, she knew she had to leave for her heart was never soothed. People glared and spat when they heard of her tale, which is why no one came to pay her constant bail. She soon tired of having no friends and living alone, and her heart felt like an empty water cone. Her death would be remembered by not even one, and her tale would be considered nothing more than a pun. It started with a mistake on a night with a boy, when he used her as nothing but a toy. When her pregnancy was found she was cast out and rejected, she was hated by her own family and tried as if infected. But one day it just seemed too much, she felt like her life was disappearing in a rush. She ran out and did crazy things she swore never to do, and got in terrible trouble every day night and noon. Still nobody cared for the girl without keys, because to them she was just like a tree. She was there and probably always would be, but you could not consider her existence too deeply. And I tell my tale today, even though I might have scared you away. I can no longer stand to be silent; if I am I would again turn very violent. So this is the story of the girl without keys, through the noise of the distant trees."

Love the idea of the rhyme. I think it would be nice if you could find a different way to format this instead of just leaving this as a big block of text, which makes this difficult and tedious to read.

Nice job! Good luck in the contest! *likes*

~KD

I really enjoyed this! The ending definitely had to be my favorite part, just because it's so sad that after hearing all that he'd just walk away. And while I do love it the most, I agree with GryphonFledgling: milk it. Expanding a little more on the end could, if done in a good way, make it a little more poignant than it already is and really add to this (already quite exceptional) story.

I only found one nitpick:

GoldenQuill wrote:None of them ever could. Nobody would ever would.

Just a little redundancy there. Very easily fixed.

Really incredible job on this piece! I loved it!

It's Quillie! Hi! I have to say, this was really good to me.

For one, the plot is oober-original and a great read. I love, as Lilymoore said, that it doesn't end in a happy way; that can indeed get old.

My one...erm...two concerns would be:

1: The little rhyme-thing towards the end was too forced. It got a little cheesy and nonsensical at times, and I wish it was formatted differently.

2: As Gryphon said, I wish this was even more tragic. Really convey what is happening inside of the main character as she's abandoned so rudely. It would make this much more realistic. : )

Anyways, good job. I feel so useless right now...Gah. D:

Hey there :] I really liked this! The characters were described beautifully. I loved the mystery and darkness in it. The only things I found were:

Nobody would ever would.

Take out the first "would" and youre good to go!

The rhyming that you put into Ashley Timber's story sounds a bit cheesy, like you were trying a bit too hard. As a result, some of the lines don't really make sense. For example,

Her death would be remembered by not even one, and her tale would be considered nothing more than a pun.

Try "shun" or "done".

Overall: I loved the mysterious and poetic tone of this :]

Ace

EDITED. :}

Thank you for all the lovely reviews.

GoldenQuill - I thought this was a great piece! I was interested until the very end, and the fact that it has a dark, sad tone to it makes it all the more mysterious and intriguing. I agree with Gryphon in the fact that she seems as though she is seeking some sort of human contact. I see Ashley as a hard character, who has been through a lot (clearly) and although she has that tough exterior because she is afraid to let others in, she truly wants help. When he walks away in the end it really puts the icing on the cake, because as sad as it is, it makes me understand her character more.

Again, this was great and I can't wait to read more of your writing!

Goldenquill!

This is really interesting so far! I can't wait to read more of your work! I couldn't find anything wrong because the only grammatical errors were previously referred to above. Seriously keep writing!

I loved it. The emotion was palpable. There was never a part in it where I was uninterested. I loved that about it; I was constantly interested. Stephen King, Dean Koontz, and many other authors I know have this tendancy of going on about something forever in an atempt to put you in the moment, but mostly it doesn't work for me. I like short and sweet. This was short and sweet in my opinion.

Good job!

9.5 out of 10

(:

Hai!

This was good, very good. I liked it. 'Cos, you know, I liked it.

A few things:

"Who do you think you are?"

Ashley Timber looked up from behind the cloud of smoke that encircled her. She slowly pulled the cigarette out of her mouth and blew, watching in satisfaction as more of the gray-ish gas built up. Carefully, she pushed herself away from the stone railing she had been leaning on so she could face the man.

"I think I'm Ashley Timber, enjoying a cigarette. Who do you think you are?"

I think you should have it just as "Ashley" the first time you mention her name. Then, the second time when she tells him her name, it has more of an impact. It's like first off you show a little to get interest, then you flash the whole thing and it's cool.


I skimmed over the poem on the first reading, partly because of the way it was formatted and partly because it was kind of long. When I did read it, it was pretty good; the rhymes were a little forced in some places. It might be better if you shortened it so it has more impact. Short'n'sweet, you know? So it doesn't drag on into a monologue.

She knew she had to be strong, once again. It seemed she never could have a moment of weakness without her heart breaking.

This bit felt a bit too much, I thought. It was too tell-y, and while before you'd been pretty subtle, this was an info-dump. I'd take it out so you're showing her emotions through her actions, not simply telling her emotions.

~

Anywho, I thought this was very good, and I liked how well it tied in with the picture prompt -- I assume the prompt was the one you included at the beginning of the post? The attitude and tone was the same.

PM me if you have any questions, and keep writing!

I liked it... thats all. Keep up the good work.