Click Clack

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Written as a contest entry for: http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic65714.html
Critiques and general comments are welcome--I don't expect much. ;)



Click Clack;

A peeled orange is sat within a crack,
A crack that's as variable and ugly,
As a kitchen without a stove would lack—
Lack the gull and beauty
To bring about the smile
Of a wavering child at any sort of hour.

I sit upon my porch and bellow and scratch,
Using that pink neon umbrella my brother Neo
sent me as a snack. A half-eaten pie sure would have
Been better, but blind brothers don't really know
In this kind of weather
What kind of clowns are afeared of their own shadows...
Wandering briskly about,

Licking up reminisces of milk left about in meadows.
Oh, do you see?
See what I spy floundering, what a lout!
Nothing but a marvelous little dove,
Everything eaten until
A yellow cat comes about.
Oh, dear! Oh, my! What am I to do?
Yellow cats without oranges,
Umbrellas painted neon pink,
Clowns all a-billowed,
Hiding away from their shadows in the sink.
Dear Diary,

Today I was pompous and my sister was crazy.
It was the best day ever. XD

~Jayne, from Firefly


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Hi HorseradishCares,

Welcome to YWS! Always nice to see a new 'face' on the forums :)

Re: your poem, well, wow. That was kind of bizarre. The rhyme scheme is quite interesting, and I felt for the first two stanzas you were almost able to pull the kind of random crazy abstract off without losing my interest or confusing me to the point of not wanting to read on. Unfortunately, I think the final verse spoiled it. With the first two, you could almost see a thread of sense behind the images, but you lost that in the last part and just descended into madness. If you really wanted to make this into a workable poem, I'd ditch the exclamation points in the third stanza and revise it. Although I liked "Clowns all a-billowed." Nice image.

Having read the prompt, I can see what you were dealing with, so kudos for your attempt anyway! There's not much in the way of a critique I can give, really, so I shall leave it at that for now.

Cheers,
~bubbles
Got a poem or short story you want me to critique?

There is only one success: to be able to spend your life in your own way, and not to give others absurd maddening claims upon it. (C D Morley)




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LOL! What a crazy contest, no? :)

Anyway, I really like the beginning, with the peeled orange, but then it starts to waver and rely on the random, and I don't really like that much. That is, I know the prompt was very random, but it looked like you could almost pull off the weirdness, yet you gave up halfway. So see if you can bring it together. I think you can. :D
Ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est.

"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach

Moth and Myth <- My comic! :D



But even the worst decisions we make don't necessarily remove us from the circle of humanity.
— Wes Moore, The Other Wes Moore