whales facial acne

there he was getting laughed at sharks wanting to dissapear or faint when they saw him the hidious whale swam through the ocean. no female whales wanted to kiss him. no one wanted to shake his hand. the last whale who did it his hand turned into dust and became ugly. the whale was happy and enjoying his life but at times when he sat down he erupted the whole ocean. when he farted the fish choked. then he heard a dinosaur a few miles away and he wass scared so he cried and try to go underground but got stuck because he was too heavy and the dust was also repulsed by his facial features. he saw a beutiful whale female. he winked at her but... she ignored him. he was left devasted. he always pulled his hair back wards because he thought he was handsome and every girl wanted to take him on a date but once a whale did was by pity and then he squashed when he hugged her. then he threw a coconut at the whale who ignored him and she died.

I like this, it is very, very random. Good idea though. Nice ending, killing the whale.







-Bromthebard

Hello New One(:

Haha, I have to agree with Brom, this is very, very, very random. However, just cause it made me laugh, don't think I'm going to skip on your errors. I understand that you probably just threw this up here, without capitalizing or punctuating, but still, that kind of stuff cannot be ignored! ): It makes people like me really, really sad, and sometimes makes people angry.

I'm just going to repost your post, and fill in with all your errors. They'll be in bold, okay?(:

There he was, getting laughed at by sharks, wanting to dissapear or faint when they saw him. The hideous whale swam through the ocean. Not a single female whale wanted to kiss him. No one wanted to shake his hand. The last whale who did it his hand turned into dust and became ugly. The whale was happy and enjoying his life, but at times when he sat down he erupted the whole ocean. When he farted the fish choked. Then he heard a dinosaur a few miles away and he was scared, so he cried and try to go underground, but got stuck because he was too heavy. The dust was also repulsed by his facial features. He saw a beautiful female cow. he winked at her but... she ignored him. He was left devasted. He always pulled his hair back because he thought he was handsome and every girl wanted to take him on a date. However, once a whale did it was by pity and then he squashed her when he hugged her. Then he threw a coconut at the whale who ignored him and she died.

Keep truckin'!

~Chup

Hi again Jorge!

So, I just wanted to expand upon the comment that Chupastosa made earlier and that have been made in your previous stories. You may think that proper grammar and capitalization may not matter, but in reality it's what makes or breaks a piece. If you've got a magnificent story but horrendous grammar, editors aren't probably even go to look at what you've written.

i mean think about it if you had to readd a stry like this even if it's only a Pargraph youd get pretty ffrustrated to

The key idea is to make your work presentable. Our language has laws of grammar, punctuation and spelling for reasons. If you have trouble with these things the first time you write them out, that's fine, but then you have to try extra hard at proofreading. Here are a few resources that you can use:

-> Spell Checker

This is a really important one. Mozilla Firefox, Google Chrome, and Microsoft Word all have handy spell checkers that will underline words in red if they're spelled wrong. You can right click it, and it will give you a list of answers. The first is usually the one you want, although there can be exceptions to that rule. If you don't have Mozilla Firefox or Chrome, and don't type with word, YWS even has a spell checker! Whenever you're making a new post, you can see a little ABC and a check mark to the right just above the text box. Right next to that is a link that says check spelling; click on it, and all words you spelled wrong will be highlighted in red. Just click on them for the correct spelling. I myself have trouble with spelling, so I have to make use of this frequently.

-> Grammar & Research

I linked you to this board in a previous review, and I'm going to do it again because I think it's really a great board for you to check out. It has a ton of great articles on dialogue punctuation, apostrophes, comma uses-all kinds of things I see that you struggle with. If you ever get a spare hour or so, just take that time to read through all of the great articles in that board. Next time you write your story, I suggest that you should slow down a little and think about exactly what you're writing. It can be a little tough, but that's alright-everyone has to start somewhere, right? Even if it takes you an hour to right one paragraph because you're constantly stopping and thinking about what kind of punctuation goes where, that's fine. You'll get into the habit and slowly start to produce much better, more polished works of fiction.

If you need even more help, you can probably talk to your parents. They care deeply about you, and if they see that you have a talent, they are going to do anything in their power to help you improve as an author. Your parents may not be writers, but they had to go through this stuff in school-after all, everyone has to know how to write and how to write properly. If you're not comfortable talking to them, I'm sure that your English teacher would be more then happy to help. Besides, if you show to her that you're active and want to learn, I bet that she'll like that.

-
Now, I just had a few comments on your writing as a whole. It's okay. It is all somewhat random, but it's all in good fun because I know you aren't really being serious-you just want to create fun children's story, which is perfectly alright. Now, writing stories for children isn't as easy as some people may think.

You have to introduce themes that young children will know and understand while at the same time being coherent that the story will charm them. Even though children may be a bit more impressionable then teenagers and young adults, they still want stories that will be coherent and funny to them.

I can see the beginnings of that in what you have here, as it is funny at times. Mostly, it's just random, and overshadowed by your grammar. A while ago, we had a Writing Olympics here on YWS. One of the challenges was to write a children's story. I recommend you take a look at the winning entries here so you can see the patterns and how the writers accomplished things. If you wanted to PM any of them, I'm sure they'd be happy to help.

I hope you don't get discouraged by any of this. Try to take it in stride. You may feel sad that you're not as good as some of your favorite authors, but everyone has to start somewhere, right? Writing isn't something that we jump into and start to churn out classics. Many of us may think so, but it's not true. Throughout some time on the site-and I do hope that you stay!-you'll get better and look back on your previous writing and be like, "eew, I wrote this?" A lot of the critiques you've gotten on the three stories you've posted have been really good ones that have offered you really good advice. I hope that you take these comments and use them to really improve your writing, because if you stick at it, I know you can get really good.

Okay, so now I've rambled on like a madwoman, and it's time for me to say goodbye. I hope you found this helpful, and I wish you best of luck with your writing. PM me if you have any questions.

-Elinor xo