Hiking

Hi guys, I've edited it now! I'd also just like to let you know that this poem was based on a trip I took this summer to the Canadian Rockies! Just letting you know...

Sturdy boots
Climbing, striding, struggling
Through a
Rugged, jagged terrain.
Stumbling over rocks and tree roots
Lurking under a dusty covering.

Feet sweating
Inside thick,
Wool socks
And strong hiking boots.

Shoulders sweating.
Pack straps rubbing.
Legs burning, feet aching.
Each breath,
Catching
As it enters.

Pulling,
Straining,
Every muscle
Protesting.

The top of the hill in sight,
Bending over,
Breathing deep.
Letting cool water pour
Moistening a dusty throat.

Straightening up
All around mountain peaks
Covered in trees
But none so high as mine.
And now I am
On top
Of the world.

Hi Sarebear!

What's up? I think I quite liked the image you were trying to create with this poem. The problem is that I don't think it delivers the way it could. It's very vague, and right now you're just sort of listing elements that happen to go along with hiking and loosely stringing them together to call it a poem.

So, when you're revising this, think about how each element you list matters in importance to the story you're telling through this poem. For instance, why are sturdy boots necessary for hiking? Could you go into a little bit more detail about the climbing part? Something like that has potential to hoard a poem all to itself, so if you went into more detail, it would help the image that you paint for the readers.

The key thing to remember when revising this is detail. Show us the wonders of hiking by describing them to the best of your ability. Good luck, and PM me if you have any questions.

-Elinor xo

Hey Sarebear!

First of all, I really like the jagged feeling of this... the poem is written in such a way that it is evident that the one hiking is out of breath and struggling. Yes, in this case it's actually a good thing to struggle through your poem.

My main suggestion, actually, is to trip us up. Sometimes, it feels like you want to continue on the same pattern that you've used for the last couple of lines. Which may be good, if you weren't writing about hiking, but you are, so I would suggest varying your pattern more.

Also, I totally love the message... I love hiking.

Hi there!

Great topic. And I agree with Snoink, the poem sounds like it is panting, the way someone would be as they near the top of a hill or mountain. Definitely keep that feel.

One thing I think might help is if you thought about the message you want to deliver, what you're trying to convey to your audience. Obviously you're communicating what it feels like to be hiking, but it's ok for a poem to have more than one message going on, so perhaps try to thread another one into the first. (Does that make sense? Basically, I think it's a good foundation, and you could add depth to it by trying to say more than one thing.)

Hope that helps! Great start!

Sophie

I disagree with the others. I like the choppiness in some places, but in other places it would be good to make it more flowing. You don't have to make every group of lines the same structure as the one before it. (Comments in green)

sarebear wrote:Sturdy boots
Climbing,
Striding,
Struggling
Through a hmm I think that This line should be: Through a rugged, Jagged terrain instead. Your words can let people know it is choppy not your structure.
Rugged,Jagged terrain.

Feet sweating
Inside thick,
Wool socks
And strong hiking boots. Here I think the first three lines should be together and the last line should be by itself.
Shoulders sweating.
Pack straps rubbing.
Legs burning,
Feet aching.
Each breath,
Catching
As it enters. Here I think the last three lines should be together. The lines before it give the feeling of a tough terrain.

Pulling,
Straining,
Every muscle
Protesting.

And then,
Finally,
The feeling of being
On top
Of
The
World.This ending is vague! I get the feeling you want to let readers know it took a long time to get to the top, but be more descriptive. Is it windy and cool? Can you see for miles, or only a short way because of all the mountains around you? Also, if you keep the rest of the poem choppy why don't you make this really smooth and free flowing to give the feeling of being on top of the world?

I have to complement you on using grammar to get your point across better. This is not one of my good points. I really liked the poem. Thanks for writing!
A. S.