The Street Preformer

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Slowly, I walk down the stairs into the subway. I see a woman gently touch her lover on the arm, making him grin and wrap his arm around her waist. Beside me is a man, looking at them and shaking his head. I felt bad for the man. He did not have the confidence to openly admit his longing for a lover of his own, so he pretends to find public displays of affection uncivilized. After looking away he slowly shrugs his shoulders, frowning slightly. I take out my guitar and ask him if he wants to hear a song. He gives me a puzzled look, “shouldn’t you be in school son?” he said. His voice is hoarse, sounding like he spent most of his life yelling. I tried to make a charming grin, copying a man on the billboard advertising shampoo for men. I started playing the song “Stay True To Your School” by the Beach Boys. He laughed, “I like you kid,” he said. “You know what? A buddy of mine is in the jingle writing business and maybe he could get you a job.” I smiled for the first time in months. The musty subway station started smelling like roses. The creaking of the subway and pattering of feet became a lively rhythm. My greasy hair and tattered cloths felt like a suit. The man handed me his friends card, I wiped my hands on me jeans and shook his hand.

I begin by going north on the subway, heading to my “gig.” I arrive outside the Silver City up above the Eglinton subway station. I take out my guitar and slowly tune it. I begin to play the acoustic copy of Eric Clapton’s “Layla.” From time to time middle-aged couples drop money into my case, remembering how much they loved Eric Clapton in the 1970’s. Occasionally an eccentric teenager sings along and drops a coin in. Often I get pitiful looks from older people because of my age, and other times people refuse to make eye contact with me. On the warmest summer days when everyone is about I make minimum wage, however that is rare, and it’s during the winter months when money is most important. Although street performing is unrewarding and often people are rude to me, it is peaceful.

I look at the clock on top of the screen above me and I realize that my time is up and now I am loitering on public property. I look in my guitar case and notice some coins and a five-dollar bill. I pick up the five-dollar bill. It is crisp and it feels rewarding. I decide to save it for when I need new guitar strings. As I put it in my pocket, I feet the business card. I suddenly come to life. I bend down and gather the coins and put them into my sweatshirt pocket and I run to the nearest payphone. I feel my guitar bouncing against the side of my leg. I accidentally brush past a girl with what looked like a three hundred dollar purse. She makes a face like when someone steps in dog feces. I suddenly am aware of how I look and I am nervous about meeting a businessman. I decide that I need this opportunity. I have to give it a chance even if I don’t look ready for a job.
I put fifty cents into the payphone. A man picks up, “hello?” he says. His voice is definite and strong. Similar to what actors sounded like in the old black and white movies. “Hi,” I said, “my name is James Roland, a friend told me that you were in the jingle business and I was wondering if I could get some work.” I tried to sound confident. I took a deep breath and continued speaking. “I am free any time and I would love to meet you in person.” After a short pause, the man responded. “There is a commercial for dog food and the director wanted a classical guitar in the background. You would have to write the song though.” My heart started pounding and I shook with excitement, I tried to sound as professional as possible. “That sounds very good. When can we meet?” the man told me to go to the University of Toronto at noon tomorrow. He will meet me outside the music hall at the Edward Johnson Building.

The next day I arrive at the University. I know that I will never be able to set foot in here as a student however nothing could me unhappy today. The man takes me to a recording studio where there are three people. He shows me the clip and gives me an hour to come up with something in the background. I spend the next hour in a dark second year university classroom looking at the music less commercial. Within half an hour I bring it to life. I love what I create and am eager to show it to the producer. Once I play the audio track the producer looks impressed and says that the music makes him want to buy the dog food. I was so thrilled with how happy this man was I began to laugh at his comment. The man was impressed with how funny he was.

I was about to leave when the man asked me the question I was dreading. “Excuse me young man, but before you go, I need to see your work permit.” I was just a street performer; I don’t have a permit to work in the city. I was born and raised in Toronto however there is very little proving that I even exist. I frown at the man and tell him that I don’t have a work permit. The man was disappointed. “I’ll tell you what,” he said, “I can’t give you credit for the jingle however I will pay you two hundred dollars.” Two hundred dollars isn’t nearly the amount of money that a jingle writer should get for a song however it is illegal for the man to give me any money at all. I thank him and take the money.

I decide to spend the night in a cheap hotel, to reward myself for what I did today. I will take a shower and get a good meal. I would have one hundred and fifty dollars left. I was pleased with what I did that day and I decided I would spend the money on paying for a work permit. With that I could show the world that I can write jingles. I was about to walk up to the hotel room when a man with a hood runs up to me. He smells of alcohol and anger. He pins me to a wall with a knife. He punches me in the ribs and takes my guitar. I sit down and put my hands into my face. I will spend the money on buying a new guitar. A tear falls down my cheek and I realized that nothing would ever change.




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Hi!

One thing that I really feel the need to comment on is your sentence structure. It's poorly executed, and while the story itself is good, it gets really frustrating to read the same beginnings over and over again. Let's take a look and the beginnings of your first paragraph.

Mr.SpaceMan wrote:I
I
Beside
I
I
He
He
His
I
I
He
I
The
The
My
The
I


You have 17 sentences, 8 uses of I, 3 uses of The, 3 uses of He, 2 uses of other forms of "He" and "I" and only 1 other word (beside). I know sentence structure isn't easy, especially since you have to use "I" a lot, but that doesn't give you an excuse to use 'I' with every sentence. It helps, when you write a story, scan through it afterward and highlight your beginnings. Afterward, read them aloud! Does it sound repetitive?

That's really I only qualm I had with this. The descriptions were lovely, and I love how real and relatable the main character seems. You're a good writer, and this story is off to a great start. If you vary your sentence structure, your writing will improve by a tenfold. :D

PM me if you have any questions.

-Elinor xo

All our dreams can come true — if we have the courage to pursue them.

-- Walt Disney




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Mr.SpaceMan wrote:I see a woman gently touch her lover on the arm, making him grin and wrap his arm around her waist.


I agree completely with the comment above mine, but this bit here bugs me a bit. I think it would sound a little better if you were to phrase it like so:

I see a woman gently touch her lover on the arm; he grinned and wrapped his arm around her waist.


Other than that, the depth of your writing was absolutely beautiful. It pained the scene perfectly in my mind. I love this. (:
Art is never finished, only abandoned.
- Leonardo Da Vinci




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Hey Mr. Spaceman! :D

So, Eli was right! Your sentence structure needs to be spruced up. Try combining sentences or starting with other words besides pronouns... it might make things smoother! :D Also, adverbs are evil. You have far too many of them in your first paragraph! Clean it up!

Also, the ending is a bit random... it looks like you just threw in the whole knife scene just because. Which is all right! Just... it seems very random.

Good luck with the edit! :D
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I really liked how your story painted a descriptive picture in my head as I could clearly see what was really going on. The other repliers pretty much summed up what I had to say. It just needs a little structure revising and you should be good to go. :)
“Take one fresh and tender kiss
Add one stolen night of bliss
One girl, one boy, some grief,
some joy Memories are made of this.”
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Good story, I really enjoyed it. Just a few points to make-

She makes a face like when someone steps in dog feces.

Maybe this is just the American/English divide, but in England it's spelt 'faeces'.

The title is 'Street Preformer', shouldn't it be 'Street Performer'?

At the end, 'when a man with a hood' - I'd say 'a man wearing a hood', or even 'hoodie', but again not sure if that's a British colloquialism. Also, with the ending, the line ' I will spend the money on buying a new guitar,' kind of detracts from the piece a little. You could rephrase a bit to make it mroe poignant, something like, 'He punches me in the ribs and takes my guitar. I sit down and put my hands into my face. A tear falls down my cheek, as I realise I will have to spend the money I'd just earnt on a new guitar. Nothing ever changes.'

Overall, a really nicely written piece. Good work :)
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I really felt the disappointment at the end as his guitar is stolen and he realizes he can never escape his station of life. You did really well with drawing the reader in and making us believe that he has gotten a new lease on life, and then all of a sudden it's gone, it was a very good choice for the ending maybe just lead into it a bit more so it's not so outta the blue. Everyone else pointed out some good stuff, and again very good imagery and choice of words at parts. Liked it a lot!
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There is nothing more radical or counter-cultural, at the moment, than laying down one’s cynicism in favour of tender vulnerability.
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