Prologue

I'm purposely not describing the people much, but tell me if you like how that works or not. Also, do you think overall it works as a prologue? Would you want to continue reading?

Prologue

Two people sat alone in a room, seated across from one another.
“Some people thrive during wartime,” said one of them. “They feed off the energy, the action, the desperation; they seem to be made for this environment.”
“Oh?” his companion replied, sitting with immaculate poise and staring up at him from behind her eyelashes.
“I’ve also seen these people when they are deprived of harsh times. In peace and normality they are pathetic, aimless.” He paused. She was smiling at him with polite concentration. “You, my dear, are one of these people.”
Her expression hadn’t changed. “I could never be pathetic.”
He laughed. “I suppose, considering your definition, that’s all too true.”

Hey Attolia! You asked me to come have a look at this, and now I have. Obviously, the first thing that struck me is that it was so cute and tiny! I wondered if you were going to be able to get across any points that you might not be able to subtly introduce to us during the other scenes before I read it, actually.

Two people sat alone in a room, seated across from one another.

For some reason, this is actually a rather arresting line. It's kind of like: two people, room, conversation - the succinct nature of the line makes sure you get across the main details quickly, but also leaves a large element of mystery for us as well - who are they? What are they talking about? What else is in the room? What's the time? Place? Occasion? That's why I like that immediately.

“Some people thrive during wartime,” said one of them. “They feed off the energy, the action, the desperation; they seem to be made for this environment.”

I didn't like this. It's too much of a ...psychoanalytical speech of war, like you're revealing the traits of the character far too fast. It's kind of something I'd expect you to have as a summary for YOU to refer back to when crafting the story, so that you knoe what the characters are likely to be like. Not something I'd expect to see right there.

“Oh?” his companion replied, sitting with immaculate poise and staring up at him from behind her eyelashes.

I love the aloof nature of the woman - 'Oh?' - but 'immaculate poise and staring up at him from beneath her eyelashes' just didn't do it for me. Firstly, you've already got across that his companion is really blase just from the word: 'Oh?' That means the next bit is unnecessary. Secondly, I think you could be more subtle about telling us that it's a woman speaking. 'His companion replied' is too clunky and formal - something like 'She arched her eyebrows.' might work better.

“I’ve also seen these people when they are deprived of harsh times. In peace and normality they are pathetic, aimless.” He paused. She was smiling at him with polite concentration. “You, my dear, are one of these people.”

Again, I'm not too keen on the psychoanalysis. But I love it how you twist it around to have her 'smiling at him with polite concentration' and that last line of dialogue in that bit was a WIN .

Her expression hadn’t changed. “I could never be pathetic.”
He laughed. “I suppose, considering your definition, that’s all too true.”

And that was FUNNY - in an ultra-cool way. Sort of really formal, really adult-ish, really I'm-way-too-up-with-myself, really bon chic bon genre kind of style of humour. Made me laugh .

Overall

Structurally, I don't see how this is going to fit in well with the first chapter so well - even though I did enjoy it. If you have plans for it, I'd suggest definitely making it longer - the conversation is brilliant, and funny all at once, and kind of a light comic relief before things get really serious.

I'd say it's a good play around with character and setting - but novels are much like films in that you end up writing lots and lots of chapters and some will invariably have to go. So...keep it, change it, lengthen it, destroy it, do everything you can with it. I like experimentation, and...I cannot wait for the next chapter.

Thanks a million!! Yeah I guess I'll just play around with this and probably not have it be the prologue. I was just trying to think of a way to better begin the story and draw readers in. Actually, what you said that you thought it'd be more like interested me; maybe I'll try to write something along those lines for a prologue. Thanks again!

Eek! I really, really like this little smidgen of dialogue! It's very interesting! Plus, the people sound like they genuinely know and can converse with each other which is fabulous! And they also seem to genuinely like each other, which is a nice change of pace... it doesn't seem contrived at all. So you are a very talented writer, m'dear!

But this needs more! Fascinating start... I love it!

Wow, thanks Snoink! You're like, famous on this site so coming from you that means a lot!

I haven't done any critiquing the last year or so, and so while getting back in the swing of things this weekend, I've stuck to short stories and the occasional photo or poem. I was avoiding novels, thinking, "Man, I'm going to fall behind again, and be out of the loop, and then I won't remember anything about the novel I left a detailed critique for, and I'm going to break someone's heart because I forgot about their book, and what a JERK." So it was with great reticence that I approached a prologue, and found, to my great surprise, it was really short!

After doing the *blink blink* thing, I read it, and found, also to my surprise and delight, that it was good!

It's spare, but it works. And I'll just tell you up front: I'm a big dialogue skank, so you scored major points in my book by posting a dialogue-driven piece.

It's clever, despite its length, but I suppose that brevity is the soul of wit. I could definitely see this being the start to a brilliant novel; I like your style. They say it's best to leave your audience wanting more, and you've certainly done just that. Thanks for posting!

- Areida

Areida - thank you so much for this review and the one on my first chapter! Your opinion means a lot. I'm afraid chapter 1 isn't quite as neat and tidy as this little piece, as you probably noticed, but I'm working on it. And I'll try to have chapter 2 up somewhat soon . Thanks again!

Hi there! Here to review (obviously). Sorry this took so long.

So, I like this. It is very short, but I have an intense fear of long prologues. Why? They tend not to have much to do with the story, and keep me from getting into the plot right away.

I also liked the sense of character we get even in just this small bit, but maybe a bit more description of their surroundings would be nice? I mean,are they in front of a fire, sitting at a breakfast table, in the garage.... Not so much that it gets bogged down, but maybe a little more? Just a thought.

I also agree with everything Navita said in her overall comments.

But other than that, I have very little to say. I am looking forward to the next bit!

Sorry I couldn't be more helpful. XD

Lupis