#11

She's like a poisoned rose;
Her upright walk
and rose-scented perfume
make the men go nuts.
Her hair is like blood,
and her eyes like sapphires.
She's beautiful, and will attract
all men
who don't know better.

They don't know she's a murderess,
a thief who hates all men.
She'll just as easily kill you,
when your eyes coming staring toward her.

I liked it all except for the last couple of lines--

She pretends to like them,
and goes so far that they won't suspect,
the grisly fate which awaits them.

You have two final lines that end with "them," I would change that. Otherwise I think it's a decent poem.

She pretends to like them,

That sounds awkward to me. It feels like it needs one more syllable maybe, like it lost its rhythm right here.

Other than that, I like this poem. The idea kind of reminds me a little of the poem I wrote (Mother of Abominations)

Hi Ellie. Winter here, at your service.

Highlight Legend:
Nitpicks in red, comments in blue, what I liked in green.

She walks like a poisoned rose; This sounds a bit cliche. How can a poisoned rose walk, per se?
Seducing men who know no better, with Rhythm off. Line break is faulty, too. Omit 'with' and put it in the next line.
Her silken blonde hair that smells of lilacs
and her wide and bright blue eyes. Hmm. I don't think you can seduce a man with only that. And therefore, cliche. Blonde hair, blue eyes. Stereotypical.

Little do they know that she's a murderess, Ooh la la. Although yes, a bit cliche, but meh, I'm loving this.
A thief who hates all men. ...Thief? No. Just no.
She pretends to like them,
and goes so far that they won't suspect, I presume that you can improve this with a bit more detail and body to the prose you used, perhaps? And the lack of rhythm is really putting me off, too.
the grisly fate which awaits them. I liked this line as an ending, but you can do so much better. I know it.

So that sums it up. This was a pretty short piece, therefore the review is short, too. All in all, pretty average, could use some work. This has some promise in it.

Aja. Keep writing.


~Winter

Hey Eli!

The main thing I have against this poem is it's very telly! So basically, you're telling us who she is, but you're not actually showing us anything special about her... in fact, it's all strictly the narrator telling us about this woman than letting us see who she is... a problem! So instead of just explaining who this person is, let's see her in action. That way, we can know who she really is.

She walks like a poisoned rose;

This I think is the best line in the poem, it's really the only one that gives us an idea without directly stating it, which is what I love in poetry.

Seducing men who know no better, with

Move the "with" down to the next line, having it here ruins what little flow you have

Her silken blonde hair that smells of lilacs
and her wide and bright blue eyes.

Now see you have the opportunity to describe this here, but you don't. You just tell us, which is quite plain to say, boring.

Little do they know that she's a murderess,

A murderess? That's all you're going to say? You go straight to the point again, see if I were you I would call her something like a black widow.

A thief who hates all men.

This line I love, it's I think the second best one in this poem.

She pretends to like them,

Makes it sound like she's a teenager.

the grisly fate which awaits them.

Good last line.

I can always tell when someone is a story writer and not a poet, their poems tend to be lacking description and just little tell tail signs. See this to me seems more of an opening line of a story instead of a poem.

a decent poem, i think maybe working on your use of sylables could be your next task if thats the type of poetry this is. the title says it all really, "A Poisoned Rose" is exactly what this girl or woman is. you did a good job of telling me what this girl is like and who she is, i wonder what she does do to the men who like her though.

Overall, a good write and like i said, work on the sylables.

Phil

*EDITED*

I like the idea, but it seems a little dry. You're describing this girl as some kind of man-eater, and describing her, but not really telling why.

Perhaps if you thought of it from another perspective. Maybe imagine you're a man who's fallen for her, is it because she's sweet and gentle, or bold and exciting? I think if you can extend this, and make your reader fall for this woman a little, then it'll be much more effective. If you make it longer it'll give you more room to explore more.

Good work so far though, I just think this still has more potential.

-Ten