BAM! (FUNNY SB!)

John Barry/James Bond

Me and Oliver and the other captives finally reach the entrance to EP's HQ and realise it's really quite massive.

"Well, this really is quite massive isn't it?" I say, turning to Oliver.

"'Tis," He replies.

"About the size of a jolly big supermarket wouldn't you say?" I laughed.

"Where on hell do you shop?!" He yelled.

"London..." I replied.

"OI! You two mouthy bluds, shh up! You's in Evil's pad now, y'get me? Y'mess up and I'll pop your brains over this gravel with my golden gun!" threatened banana chav.

"Christ, that's a little overboard, don't you think?" I asked.

"Nothin's overboard 'round 'ere, sonny James," He said, "Trust."

"How can nothing be overboard??" I said.

"'Cause there's no water."

I laughed. Well, I guess this really is the part where we meet the bad fellow. I looked about me.

"'Ang on one second, looks like 'alf the cast has escaped," I said, giggling.

"Oh-" started the banana chav.

We were led into the compoud, protected by a really really harmful electric fence that could'nt kill a fly.

Oliver studied the fence and could smell something burnt. The bloody fences were electrocuted! A butterfly flustering it wings flew toward the fence. It's body exploded in a tiny burst of vapor as it collided with the fence. Oliver cringed at the sight.

James jumped in surprise, as if he hadn't suspected the fence to be electrocuted.

How many more surprises were going to be in store? And who was that man with the golden gun? Was this a remake of one of James Bond's older classics? Or was this something more?

Sonja Jones/Ms. Natasha Draven:

I grinned and stood up. This guy playing 008 was going to get a shock when he found the fence electrified.

I dusted off my jeans and turned towards the pile of weaponry sitting beside me. There it was, my gold gun.

I picked it up and checked to make sure it was loaded before I slid it into the waistband of my jeans and took off after Barlow. Yes, I knew who everyone was.

I was smiling when I approached the fence.

"Ms. Draven?" Bond asked. I sighed and pulled the gun on him.

"Not so funny now, is it?" I asked. Just then one of then yellow guys threw himself at the fence.... And short circuited it.

We all stared as he shrivelled up and the yellow jumpsuit melted. The guy started laughing.

"Err..." I said, looking at the guy and then at Bond through the fence. "That's not right."

Suddeny Mr. EVIL PERSONO appeared out of nowhere. "Oi! Wot's goin' on 'ere?"

Geez, can't a fellow go anywhere without some girl crashing his party?
Well, this one girl followed me and said she was my conscience. Right.
Someone is not the sharpest knife in the drawer...
Anyway, I tied her to a tree.
"Sorry Miss, but I can't have you following me around. I'll come back and untie you later." I told her with a slight bit of annoyance in my voice.

I took off toward Mr. EPs.

The fence didn't matter. I was in disguise as one of EP's goons. (The Yellow Suit, remember?) I had the ID and code to the fortress, so I could come in and out as I pleased. Everyone would see John Barlow as a banana suited fool with a funny accent.

I walked up to the gate.

"Oi, sonny!" I said.

The idiot at the gate bought it as I showed him my ID.

"Oi, Kevin, I 'aven't seen the loiks of you in a while. Come in."

I walked in casually and into the break room. The. Coffee. Was. Terrible.

But the donuts, I must say, were top notch.

John Barry/James Bond

Like in all movies, the bad guy, Mr. Persono, had decided he wanted a little one on one chat with James Bond. I'd suddenly realised that was me, and got interrupted of my charming daydreams. The yellow chav was pushing me into this enclosed room.

Evil Persono was a bold man, with 1/3 of his face burnt to smithers. A long banana scar formed from the upper left of his lip to his only good eye. He wore a black tarnished, 3-piece suit and all-in-all looked good on TV.

The chav left the room and I was left staring at this piece of art.

"Ah, Mister Bond, no?" He said, smoothing a chocolate bar.

"Yes. Bond, James Bond," I replied, raising an eyebrow and leaning forward.

"Well, Mr. Bond, let me show you what I do to my Island's intruders," He growled.

This must be the bit where he kills some over bloke and it makes Bond lay a brick! I thought.

Two banana guards walked in, dragging an unusual man who looked supremely like the man who was hired to write the scripts. They shoved him against the wall and he cried out in agony and begged for life.

"Golly gosh, he's a good actor!" I mused. EP gave me the weirdest of glances.

"Kill 'im!" yelled Evil Persono.

With that, 4 shots crackled from the banana boy's guns and blood exploded onto the wall behind. His body was dragged away.

"Holy moley!" I yelled in fright, "That looked jolly real!"

"Mister Bond," said EP, "I don't understand your British humour..."

"I don't jolly well understand your choice of coloured suit for those guards of yours, but hey-ho, we're not all Spanish are we?"

"Mister Bond, you make little sense to me."

"The feeling's mutual, Mister Persono!" I replied in jest. "So, how long do we do this chit-chat for?"

"So eager to die, Mr. Bond?" Grinned Evil.

"Not particularly, but hey-har, anything to move the story along!" I laughed.

"You are truly strange," Evil said, gesturing for banana chav to drag me away. "Goodbye, Mister Bond."

*Evil Laughs*

I HATE the sound of evil laughter.

I saw them dragging Bond away from the room where EP was. I quickly fired. The banana chav fell like a tree. I grabbed Bond and we made a dash for the door. Banana men were all around me. BAM! BAM! BAM! Bullets flew as thick as honey. I tossed Bond a gun, and we fired away. We made it out the door after knocking out the gatekeeper. We slipped into the greenery to my campsite.

"Too bad this isn't a real movie. That would have been a good action sequence." I muttered, wiping the sweat from my brow.

Sonja:

Mr. EP took Bond away to 'talk' and left me standing guard over the rest of the cast.

Yes, I was a traitor and I was surprised that the stupid Yellow Boys had even let me in... Then again, I was carrying a gold gun. I sighed.

"Sonja!" one of them whined. I didn't pay too much attention. "You traitor!"

I grinned and then I had to duck behind a building as Bond and 008 came rushing out of the building firing at their surroundings while the cast cowered from the live bullets.

Once they were gone I went off to find Mr. EP, my boss.

"Yo, Evil," I said and the guy turned to look at me. "That Bond and 008 got away."

Mr. EP was now furious. I noticed the blood on the wall but didn't say anything.

"Oi, Chavs!" Mr. EP yelled and about six of the yellow boys ran into the room. "Theys gots away! Go get 'em."

(Bare in mind guys, that 008 is the only one who knows this isn't a real movie, okay?)

"Bloody blazes!" Oliver exclaimed, taking in the grisly sight of the dead and wounded. This was no longer a movie, something had gone terribly wrong and everything had gone to chaos.

As his fellow cats mates gaped at the carnage he went after Bond and 008. Oliver was not just an actor, he was a former Special Forces man, an elite one at that.

Sorry everyone, I have kind of lost my character in this storybook so I'm going to drop out. Sorry, good luck creating funny scenes.

Bye!

(You may fire Ilona from the production if you like, or she can be "killed" by Mr EP and taken away from the island, whatever you like.)

Bane cringed at the sight of Ilona's body. Quite nearly headless. Maybe it was just an accident. Maybe we were all supposed to just have blanks in our weapons.

Bane shook the thoughts away, knowing that it wasn't the case. This was real, and he and the rest of the cast that was not part of the sinister scheme to kill each other had to stop who ever was doing this. Though, the best option would be to just leave.

John Barry/James Bond

As me, 008, Oliver, Sonja and the rest of the cast tried to find a reason for all the seriousness of it all, I grew ever more confused. The only one who appeared to be enlightened was 008.

Suddenly as we were all in thought, Alfie Al'a Pino -- the director -- appeared walking from the woodlands. He was weilding two pump-action shotguns.

"No-one told us the director was in the cast too," I exclaimed in disbelief.

008 grabbed us all and told us to make for the hills, "This ain't no film you idiots! It's a set up! Alfie's the real bad guy! This is all real!"

"I think actings got to his head!" I yelled as me and the cast made off. The banana yellow people open fired at Alfie but his pump action shot guns were devouring their bodies. Even 008 quivered in fear and ran on after us.

This film had become survival... with a kind of terminator director and some really scarred bold idiot.

Jessi/Jimmy Lord of..yeah you get it.

Funnily enough, the place where Jessi was supposed to meet the hair and makeup crew was nowhere to be found. Instead, there was a pile of hair dye and costumes.

"Well, this shall do."

Jessi pulled out a large mirror and dyed her hair with ease - she was used to the whole hair dying process, she had done it herself twenty-three times. When she was finished, her hair was a lovely shade of black. One of the costumes was a black, skintight number that reminded her of a spy. And good deal! It was just her size.

Once she was suited up, she felt like someone right out of a Bond movie. At least, she assumed she did. She never really watched any of those flicks.

"Alright, Alfie Al'a Pino," Jessi shouted to the sky. "Thank you kindly for providing this lovely change of costume for me. I'll be sure to contribute wonderfully to this production."

She paused and listened. No reply. Well that was strange, she suspected. But all good and well at the same time. Jessi smiled and jogged off towards where she expected the cast to be now.

Suddenly, an explosion from the cast's trailer park sent a cloud of smoke into the air. It spread rapidly, blanketing the sky in a fog of bleakness. Oliver and the others could only stare at it and wonder.

Oliver shook his head. What could have caused such an explosion? Surely it wasn't just an accident. Somebody had to have set the cast and crew site ablaze.

Odette / Fiametta

"I swear it wasn't me!" she cried frantically. "Look...I'm right here! Why would I explode my own explosives?"

She thought for a moment. "Okay, why would I explode all of them for a meaningless purpose? Oh, nevermind. You guys totally saw me standing here, not doing anything wrong..."

Because burning that tree that dude happened to be in wasn't wrong; it was nature.