BAM! (FUNNY SB!)

Bane watched Bond and the mystery woman, concealed by leafs, high up in the tree canopy. He pulled out his hydrogen powered tactical binoculars and peered through them. What he found most peculiar was her blue hair. He suppressed a snort, it was just so ridiculous.

He zoomed out, and surveyed the area around them. Nothing, nothing but an endless sea of greenery. Oliver hoped the cameras were rolling. It had taken him great effort to climb up on the tree as quickly and stealthily as possible. He rubbed his left palm against his pant leg, it was reddened from scraping against the rough tree bark.

Oliver zoomed back in with his binoculars, Bond looked apprehensive, as if he really didn't want to continue the scene. But if Oliver knew better, it would turn into a ridiculous sex scene. It was a given, for some reason every Bond movie had to have one.

A faint crackling sound met his ears. He held his breath. The branch beneath his feet was giving way.

John Barry/James Bond

All of a sudden I had to stop running as forty men in yellow suits stood infront of me with guns pointed at my head.

"Oops, well this is a bit of a disaster," I marvelled.

As I looked around me, I noticed the whole cast were by my side.

"No chance of any rescue scenes then," I laughed.

They all stared at each other in the irony of the moment.

"Oh-" started Oliver as he fell out of a tree.

"Definately no chance of a resuce attempt, then," I said, snorting.

"Oi, blud," yelled one of the guards in yellow, "why is you so calm about this kerfuffle, eh? Can't you see that you is in a real life situation and we could just pop ya, y'get me?"

"Who casted this joker?" I asked laughing. "Oops, sorry, my bad.... Achem! Well, I'm Bond, James Bond. Naturally calm, mister?"

"The only name you need to know sunshine is Mr. Evil Persono. Yeah, you 'eard me! EVIL PERSONO!" He yelled.

A loud dun, dun, dun! rumbled through the trees.

"Were we scripted into a comedy," I asked, looking around. They all shrugged, except 008 who huffed at our naivity.

"Come with me, bluds. We're gon'a take you to the hood to visit Mr. E to the P," said the bloke in yellow, gesturing our group to follow him. "Oh, and by d'way, 'tis gon'a be a long walk people, so be ready. -- And dun' try nufin stupid, y'hear? Or we'll pop you all over this lovely greenery. You get me?"

We all agreed. I guess this was the part where we got introduced to the bad guy, I thought.

Jessi Blane/Jimmy, Lord of the Cracked Cornless

Jessi laughed as she continued through the trees. Luckily, as she had helped write the now-burninated scripts, she knew those men in yellow suits were coming at some point. She had made such a lovely disappearance.

Strolling through the woods was quite lovely. "I wonder how our friends are dealing with Mister Evil Persono?" Jessi mused. She wondered if the cameras were focused in on her right now, or all set on the main cast. Part of her hoped they were on her. She could make a lovely addition to the sorry cast.

"Mister Director Man," she shouted into the trees. "I could quite use a hair and make up session if I am to properly become a part of this cast."

"...Miss Blane...You burned the scripts, snuck on to the set, and delivered our hero into the hands of Mr Evil Persono three and a half hours before he was supposed to meet him. What are we going to do with the three and a half hours of planned witty banter? Huh? HUH?" a voice in the trees yelled.

Jessi shrugged. "Not my problem, I'm a part of the cast now."

A long groan came from the sky. "Fine, fine, fine," Director Man said. "Meet the boat on the Southern coast of the island and have Bianca fix you up. As long as you start being a helpful part of the cast. No more of this running around and acting all willy-nilly."

"No promises, Mister Director Man," Jessi said with a smile, turning her course south.

'Yellow suits,' Odette mused, walking over to the crowd.

She'd actually tried to burn down a tree, you know, just to see how those particular ones burned, but she hadn't realized a guy was in it. She figured she should probably apologize to him, but her ADD kicked in and all she could focus on was the yellow suits. And then there was Bond, James Bond, but mostly just the guys in yellow suits.

She heard one mention popping someone all over the greenery, but there wouldn't be any more greenery to pop anyone over if Fiammetta Von Brandt had anything to do with it.

Stella

I looked around in the sky to see where the voice was coming from.

"God, is that you?" I ask.

"Are you actually that stupid?" A girl named Odette asked.

"What?"

"Thats called the director." She explained.

"Oh," I said, "Well, I broke a heel. It needs replacement."

John Barlow/008

After a good night's rest at my secret HQ/campsite, I joined up with Bond and the rest of the cast on the beach, and, as I predicted, idiotic banana suited fools showed up. I'd say about forty or so of them. They said that they'd take us to Mr. EVIL PERSONO. I figure this was the bad guy. As I walked, I decided that if we were ever gonna come out of this alive, I'd NEED to be alive since no one else understood that severity of the situation.

I also knew that once Mr. EP would recognize me and command his banana men to kill me. I decided to make a break for my camp. I bolted for the trees.

"Barlow! Barlow!" the yellow suited leader yelled as I disappeared into the underbrush.

I heard five or six yellow dudes crashing though the bushes after me. I jumped into a ravine and let them pass. I snuck out behind them and shot all of them. I took whatever supplies I could, the most valuable being the following list:

Two Knives
Six Pistols and Extra Ammo
Six Yellow Suits
Matches

Then I buried all the guys in the ravine.
Okay, fine, you might think I'm an idiot to take the yellow suits, but they'll come in handy for what I'm about to do. Man, those things are ugly! Mr. EP should have picked a less obnoxious color. I made my way back to my hidden headquarters. I loaded the guns and started a fire. If this were really a movie, my next move would be a really sweet action scene.

Sonja Jones/Ms. Natasha Draven:

Just great. I was lost. In the middle of a forest, on an island in the middle of the ocean. Just perfect.

"Hello, Mister Director Man!" I yelled, wondering if the cameras were on me.

"What?" Huh, he actually replied.

"You do relaise who I am don't you?" I asked.

Silence. Then, "Yes, I do realise who you are."

"Well," I snapped. "Can I get a hint here?"

Nothing for a moment then, "Yes. Turn to your right a little and start walking!"

Hmph. Well, alright then. I turn to my right a little and started walking, stumbling though vines adn brambles and stuff until I trip on what appeared to be a trip wire and fell flat on my face. Again.

I looked up to see 008 standing over me holding a hunting knife.

"Ah, hell," I muttered.

John Barlow/008

"What the heck?" I say.
That girl who was talking to me just fell over my tripwire and into my campsite.
Great.
"What are you doing here? and what do you want?" I say.

Sonja Jones/Ms. Natasha Draven:

"Yes, what the heck, inded," I muttered as I stood up and brushed off my clothes. I looked up to find him staring at me. "What? Oh. I'm Natasha Draven," I said and kicked at the ground. "I, err, got lost."

He laughed and I glared at him. What. The. Heck.

"What's so funny?" I snapped and stepped forward only to trip over again and almost land in the fire. This made him laugh harder. "It's not funny!" I yelled.

I stopped laughing. I really hate to see people mad at me.

"Pardon me. I'm sorry. I really am." I said.

"Now seriously, don't fall again. And um, is Natasha Draven really your name, or is that your 'character'"

"Now, perhaps you are not an idiot and understand what is going on now!"

Sonja Jones/Ms. Natasha Draven:

I sighed and rolled my eyes at him.

"That is my character," I said. "My real name is Sonja Jones."

"The daughter of that rich lawyer?" he asked. I nodded. "The one that is now is debt because of said daughter?"

I paled. How the hell did he know that. "Err, yeah. That lawyer."

"I see," he said and watched me as I carefully sat down and yawned, looking around the clearing.

John Barry/James Bond

I paced with my fellow cast members trying to keep on my best acting face. I thought that as nothing was happening perhaps a spot of dialogue would come in handy.

I gingerely strode up to the first yellow person I saw. Miraculously, it was the bloke in charge. 1 in a million, eh? Well... no, technically it was 1 in 34 now.

"Well, well," I grinned, "What's so evil about Evil then?"

"Oi, sonny Jimmy," he started.

"I prefer James," I replied.

"- what?" He asked, "Anyway, sonny James, what Evil is, is more than what you is, you get miz?"

"Excuse me?" I bemused.

"You 'eard," he yelled, "Now get in line before I burn your hairy face, boy!"

"Oh I see!" I cried in pride, "You must be a chav!" I laughed at the idea.

"What? What is d'chav, son?" He asked, genuinely confused.

"Huh? You aren't from around here, are you?" I questionned.

"Yah, I am," He replied, "'Tis is mine and Evil's island. I just isn't from no place you is. Y'hear?"

"Right'o" I said, filtering back into line.

"Bit of an odd fellow," I said, turning to the closest person.

I made the necessary preparations for my next move. I loaded two guns and stuck them in my belt. I grabbed a hunting knife and put on that HIDEOUSLY OBNOXIOUS yellow suit.

"Um, I have to go, uh, get something." I made an excuse to Ms. Jones.

I bolted through the trees to the HQ of Mr. Evil Persono.

Oliver surveyed the people in yellow, baffled. What in Hollywood was going on? He didn't remember any of this in the original script. He tapped James on the shoulder.

James glanced at him, but looked quickly away.

Oliver gritted his teeth, his mouth closed during the gesture. Then he saw the glint of gold metal. The man with the golden gun!

Stella

I give up on the heel ordeal and take both my shoes off. I notice the guy 008 disapear into the woods. I put on an invisible detective cap and sneak after him. He is fast,
I give him that. I work hard to keep my feet from making too much noise on the ground. He taps on a space in the dirt, and a trap door opens. He goes in. I slip through the door just as it closes.

He turns around. I hide behind a wall.

"Who's there?" He asks.

"Your conscience." I reply in a high voice.

"Bull, now tell me who is really there!"

"Jiminy Cricket."

He walks down the hallway, and I find a gun pointed right at my head.

"Who in the name of Sam are you?"

"Your conscience." I say, waving my arms in a circle. He doesn't buy it. Crap.

Mental note to self: Have a plan next time...