Due North

I guess I could point out the difference between this and Kenshin, but im not going too.
I concider it an honor that my work reminds you of such a great anime.

The only thing that needs saying though, is that this is NOT based off of Kenshin. I do not write Fan-Fiction.

~Reyu

First of all, I'm really picking with most of this because I had to copy and paste it on here because I can't see it at the bottom of the screen.

Are you writing this in a poetry format on purpose? It may read easier if you don't put each sentence on a separate line. Your choice and preference.

--just to give you an insight, sometimes I'll give you my reaction as a reader so that you can see where you might be unclear, whatever...(I'm experimenting--I'm still new. )

Quote:
I swore an oath to someone precious that I would never draw my sword again.
That its blade would never taste the blood that gives it strength.

you could connect these sentences, and if you're writing this as an epic poem, and it would look less choppy, but read the way you want it to.

I swore an oath to someone precious that I would never draw my sword again, that its blade would never taste the blood that gives it strength.

or, if you want the same format,

I swore an oath to someone precious that I would never draw my sword again,
that its blade would never taste the blood that gives it strength.

Quote:
and tears of blood.

(just for my benefit, could you explain?)

Quote:
The only thing I know for sure is that I need to find... something.
I do not know the thing I seek, only that I must find it.

I thought he already found it. Is he looking for something else?

Quote:
By all laws of the human mind they should have had me completely brainwashed.

I'm thinking..."By all laws of the human mind I should have been completely brainwashed". I think you could make this sentence clearer, or at least...work on it a little more.

Quote:
I guess even the mind can set up walls against walls.

walls against walls I like . "I guess"...that phrase is throwing my sense of setting and character off. It sounds like modern day speech.

Quote:
Yes, I can see it now, the snowfall was almost symbolic.

I like the snow...although I'm not sure where you're going with it yet except..."Due North". Perhaps it's foreshadowing? *raises eyebrows* If you want the snowfall to be symbollic, you may not want to tell us outright before we get to make the decision on our own. But that's your decision...and I would make it after you've written it all and can look at the whole picture.

Quote:
, trying to find whatever it was that needed to be found... When I suddenly found it.
In the form of a beautiful girl, slender and graceful, like a weeping willow or a blossoming sakura tree.

I like the similie here--it sounds poetic. Although I'm not sure I agree with it. However, I agree that making the above fragments is awkward. Toy with it...Find out different ways you could write it. "...and I found it. I found it in the form of a beautiful girl, slender and graceful, like a weeping willow or a blossoming sakura tree." "When I found it, it was in the form of a beautiful girl..." Don't be afraid of changing stuff. You can always revert back to the original.

Quote:
But one look at those deep blue eyes would make you question any sunset.

Why? (just curious)

The first time I saw her, there was more to her than her outer appearance.

My eyes could see... The way she moved, flowing from footstep to footstep, the walk of a swordsman,

I don't know why you separated that. But if you joined it, I know you would have to make the subject clear...What about, maybe..."By the way she moved, flowing from footstep to footstep, my eyes recognized the walk of a swordsman..." "My eyes could see it first, the way she moved: flowing from footstep to footstep. The walk of a swordsman." ...You know what? Nevermind. I'm just messing it all up, I think. Just...it could flow a bit more; it seems a little disjointed.

Only one problem... There are only a certain few capable of brining me back alive and she was not recognizable.

I'm not sure I understand this completely. Why is it a problem. If there are only a few, then does he know them? He doesn't recognize her... Oh and, "bringing". :wink: Also...I think... "Only one problem: there are only a certain few people..."

I fallowed her into her destination.

Followed. And not "into", just "to". I know she went into a tavern, but it's still "to" a destination...if that makes any sense.

I remember nonchalantly walking to her table and kindly asking if I could take the seat opposite her. She refused, but I sat down anyway.

“Where I take my sword is none of your business,” she replied seething, in a musical voice of honey and cream. “Now go”

Period.

She stood up at that comment, and I could see her face clearly, with those amazing blue eyes of frozen fire.
“You play a dangerous game, dog!” she spat.
“Or maybe you're just stupid.”

She says "Or maybe you're just stupid"? Generally, if that same character is speaking, it's on the same line.

"You play a dangerous game, dog!" she spat. "Or maybe you're just stupid." (Again, "stupid" seems a little out of place in the setting to me...but it's not overly noticeable I guess.)

it was in that moment I knew I was horrible at talking to women.

I figured her for being self taught.

to be?

Your typical every day martial arts genius with a grudge, you know, the cliche type.

You're confusing my setting again! I feel like I'm hearing your voice instead of the character's.

four edged ninja star.

four-edged
The parchment read:

It started to snow...

Cool.

Tell me...but were all the things I was saying about speech being inappropriate for the setting...not? Was I completely misinterpretting it?

Sorry I got long-winded.

~Jacquie~

Epic Poetry Concern:

Yes and no. This story is slightly poetic because I chose it to be so. This is not, however, going to be an epic poetry.

"Tears of Blood":

When no actual tears are shed, but blood is on the face. This effect can look as if someone is crying tears of blood.

"I thought he had already found it?":

He finds it about three paragraphs down LoL

Those deep blue eyes...:

Just the characters personal feeling's about her eyes. Poetic, no?

Ok, about your "speech" concerns.
You are right on with most of them, but some of them can be overlooked. The only main sentence that really sounds like me and NOT my character is the "cliche" sentence. I honestly did not think anyone would notice that. That sentence is me trying to be funny, and any way I tried to write it out, I could not get it to sound like my character. So I just left it in I have been thinking of taking it out for a while now.

Also, all the errors you found I have corrected and all your suggestions I have taken into consideration.
None of them, however, will pull me back into an "editing" stage. I am currently DONE AS OF NOW editing this story, and I am starting work on the second one.

~Reyu
P.S. I remember a concern you had about foreshadowing and symbolism. To clear your mind, I already have this entire story in brainstorm format. I know what is going to happen, I just don’t have all that little crap in-between ^^

It doesn't really feel like poetry, as there's not really a rhythm...Know what? I'll just trust you.

"I thought he had already found it?":

He finds it about three paragraphs down LoL

And my question remains: is he still looking for it? The beginning is present, and he already found it in the three paragraphs down that are in past tense. (if that makes sense lol)

The only main sentence that really sounds like me and NOT my character is the "cliche" sentence...That sentence is me trying to be funny,

lol, yes, I could tell.

I'm looking forward to more,

~Jacquie~

"I thought he had already found it?":

He finds it about three paragraphs down LoL

And my question remains: is he still looking for it? The beginning is present, and he already found it in the three paragraphs down that are in past tense. (if that makes sense lol)


No, your not making any sense LoL
The sentence in question is as follows "what needed to be found... when I suddenly found it"
Looks fine to me.

Okay, let me try to explain. Your first few stanzas are in present tense. The character is talking to the reader, as if he's about to tell about something that happened long ago:

I swore an oath.

I swore an oath to someone precious that I would never draw my sword again.
That its blade would never taste the blood that gives it strength.
It has been made more powerful than any sword has a right to, through crushed prayers, betrayal, and tears of blood.

I am no longer an instrument of killing, nor am I a drone or someone's pawn.
I serve no man or woman save those I choose to serve.
At least that is what I tell myself.
The only thing I know for sure is that I need to find... something.
I do not know the thing I seek, only that I must find it.

Here's one of the sentences in question. "I do not know the thing I seek, only that I must find it." *ahem* Here, he's talking in present tense. He says he is seeking something. (Something that, three paragraphs down, in his story (which was in the past compared to this section), he says he already found. So my question was, is he still looking for the girl? Or is he looking for something else?)

Then he goes on to say that his intent when he escaped was to find whatever he was looking for mentioned in the stanza before.

That was my original intent when I escaped the secret training ground.

Now, it's in past tense, the tale he's telling.

I lived decently for a long time using that philosophy, trying to find whatever it was that needed to be found... When I suddenly found it.
In the form of a beautiful girl, slender and graceful, like a weeping willow or a blossoming sakura tree.

He found it.

In the timeline of the story, he found the girl before he started telling us about it. Right?

So. When I said he's already found it, I'm not looking at the order of sentences in the story. I'm looking between the two sentences..."I do not know what I seek, only that I must find it", but before he says that, he already found "...it. In the form of..."

Does that make any more sense? I really know what I'm talking about, even if it may not sound like it.

Still waiting for more.

~Jacquie~

Ok, I understand now.
He had already found "it" before telling his story to the reader.

I like to think of this story as my character sitting infront of a camp fire, telling his tale to himself.
If that helps any

Okay, and my point all along was...

If he already found it, why is he still looking?

Or: unless you mean something else, those two sentences are a discrepancy, for the reasons that I said above. He could mean that he is looking for something else other than what he already found...But I don't think so.

If I still haven't made any sense, forget about it. I hope I have, though.

~Jacquie~

Is Due South related directly to this?

Yes, Due South is related.

His next sequel will be "Due South-North...WTF???? DID I JUST GET LOST???"

Hi there. Just a few little suggestions my friend...

It has been made more powerful than any sword has a right to be, through crushed prayers, betrayal, and tears of blood.

Her complection [I know what you're trying to say here but complexion works just as well and, in my opinion, seems to fit better.] is fair, average height with shoulder length black hair, all wrapped up in a vagabond's cloak.

The way she moved, flowing from footstep to footstep, the walk of a swordsman, [I'd have a fullstop here, especially seenas you start the next word with a capital.]
My intuition had her positively emanating a dangerous aura, so I pegged her as an assassin right then, someone sent to bring me back.

“It is illegal to carry a concealed sword into taverns,” I say [It should be 'said' rather than 'say.'] staring at her face, half hidden by the shadow of her hood. I was sure I saw a flicker of shock.

______________________

Altogether, it's quite well written and rather reflective and poetic but I like that. It's a nice style. I shall go read the next part...

kitty15 wrote:Hi there. Just a few little suggestions my friend...

It has been made more powerful than any sword has a right to be, through crushed prayers, betrayal, and tears of blood.

Her complection [I know what you're trying to say here but complexion works just as well and, in my opinion, seems to fit better.] is fair, average height with shoulder length black hair, all wrapped up in a vagabond's cloak.

The way she moved, flowing from footstep to footstep, the walk of a swordsman, [I'd have a fullstop here, especially seenas you start the next word with a capital.]
My intuition had her positively emanating a dangerous aura, so I pegged her as an assassin right then, someone sent to bring me back.

“It is illegal to carry a concealed sword into taverns,” I say [It should be 'said' rather than 'say.'] staring at her face, half hidden by the shadow of her hood. I was sure I saw a flicker of shock.

______________________

Altogether, it's quite well written and rather reflective and poetic but I like that. It's a nice style. I shall go read the next part...

ah kitty! don't waste your time on these. This is rough draft stuff! The full story as I want it is posted on my blog. Thank you though!

I'll make this short and sweet. I have to agree with a few others, you're telling the story, not showing it. I know you say it is just the beginning, and the action will start in future installments, but you need to catch the reader from the very start. Put them straight into the conflict, so they'll stick around to actually read these future installments.

frenchpastry wrote:I'll make this short and sweet. I have to agree with a few others, you're telling the story, not showing it. I know you say it is just the beginning, and the action will start in future installments, but you need to catch the reader from the very start. Put them straight into the conflict, so they'll stick around to actually read these future installments.

Yes, originally I was just telling the story. Now it is a full on prologue and chapter one is up! You are reading the wrong thing. This is a rough draft.

Check out "Prologue: Due North"