Due North

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7/10.

It could be better.

Can't really find any grammatical errors, which is the only thing i'd be able to help you with so... someone else help this guy! lol.

Shadow Knight wrote:7/10.

It could be better.

Can't really find any grammatical errors, which is the only thing i'd be able to help you with so... someone else help this guy! lol.

Yay! A comment.

Anyway, thats what people have been telling me. "it could be better"
And my answer is "just wait for further installments"

~Reyu

Well... if you're telling us to wait, WRITE THEM.

Lol, you hard core gamer you.

Although this is quite good, it doesn't read like fiction. You started a new line after every statement, so you end up reading this more like poetry. Also, this confuses some of the speech, as it can be hard to work out who's saying what.

But I say your largest fault in this piece is that we're told everything. As in, 'she then killed him' (I know it doesn't actually that) instead of describing the fight scene.

But other than those faults, the basic idea is nice - although we're left in the shadow about many parts, you say there will be further instalment, so I assume you'll clear those up later .

So yes, nice work .

Sureal wrote:Although this is quite good, it doesn't read like fiction. You started a new line after every statement, so you end up reading this more like poetry. Also, this confuses some of the speech, as it can be hard to work out who's saying what.

But I say your largest fault in this piece is that we're told everything. As in, 'she then killed him' (I know it doesn't actually that) instead of describing the fight scene.

But other than those faults, the basic idea is nice - although we're left in the shadow about many parts, you say there will be further instalment, so I assume you'll clear those up later .

So yes, nice work .

Thank you for your comment.

I left the fight scene to the imagination on purpose.
It helps create a more 'stable' character portrait in your mind.

So don't worry action fans, I aim to please.
Further installments on the way.

SK, you couldn't find grammatical errors? I was swimming in them!

That it’s blade would never taste the blood that gives it strength.

Nope, "its blade."

It has been made more powerful than any sword has a right to, through crushed prayers, betrayal and tears of blood.

"...through crushed prayers, betrayal, and tears of blood."

I am no longer an instrument of killing, nor am I a drone or someones pawn.

"...or someone's pawn."

The only thing I know for sure is that I need to find... Something.

The only thing I know for sure is that I need to find... something.

That night must have been more than I could take... Yes, I can see it now, the snow fall was almost symbolic.

It's "snowfall."

I lived decently for a long time using that philosophy, trying to find whatever it was that needed to be found... When I suddenly found it.
In the form of a beautiful girl, slender and graceful, like a weeping willow or a blossoming sakura tree.

I don't think the fragment does it. I would rather have:

"When I suddenly found it in the form of a beautiful girl. Slender and graceful, like a weeping willow or a blossoming sakura tree."

Her complection is fair, average height with shoulder length black hair, all wrapped up in a vagabonds cloak.

"...in a vagabond's cloak."

Only one problem... There are only a certain few capable of brining me back alive and she was not recognizable.

"Only one problem... There are only a certain few capable of bringing me back alive and she was not recognizable."

I remember nonchalantly walk to her table and kindly asking if I could take the seat opposite her, she refused but I sat down anyway.

I remember nonchalantly walking to her table and kindly asking if I could take the seat opposite her. She refused, but I sat down anyway."

“It is illegal to carry a concealed sword into taverns” I say staring at her face, half hidden by the shadow of her hood. I was sure I saw a flicker of shock.
“Where I take my sword is none of your business” she replied seething, in a musical voice of honey and cream.
“Now go”
“But we just met!” I taunt, as I catch another sudden gush of emotion registering on that beautiful, half hidden face.
“I just want to know if you’re here to kill anyone I know.”
She stood up at that comment, and I could see her face clearly, with those amazing blue eyes of frozen fire.
“You play a dangerous game, dog!” She spat.
“Or maybe you're just stupid.”

“It is illegal to carry a concealed sword into taverns,” I say staring at her face, half hidden by the shadow of her hood. I was sure I saw a flicker of shock.
“Where I take my sword is none of your business,” she replied seething, in a musical voice of honey and cream. “Now go”
“But we just met!” I taunt, as I catch another sudden gush of emotion registering on that beautiful, half hidden face. “I just want to know if you’re here to kill anyone I know.”
She stood up at that comment, and I could see her face clearly, with those amazing blue eyes of frozen fire.
“You play a dangerous game, dog!” she spat.
“Or maybe you're just stupid.”

And what is with your love of the word "stupid"? XD

Um... yeah!

Four hours of trailing her, and I watched her find her mark.

"Four hours of trailing her, I watched her find her mark."

Or something. That sentence is just so awkward...

So yeah. Interesting idea, by the way. He's clearly falling for her, but she's (probably) out to kill him. So what can he do??? [Enter shocked gasps.] More on next week's TV show!

Yeah... write more.

I lived decently for a long time using that philosophy, trying to find whatever it was that needed to be found... When I suddenly found it.
In the form of a beautiful girl, slender and graceful, like a weeping willow or a blossoming sakura tree.

I think it works, so I am leaving that one as is.
Otherwise, fixed.

This is why people have editors
Believe it or not, I was expecting more than that ^^

Okay... well, then take this!

Learn how to write paragraphs. It sounds too choppy.

Snoink wrote:Okay... well, then take this!

Learn how to write paragraphs. It sounds too choppy.

RETORT.

I believe that is a matter of personal opinion.

HA! My personal opinions are always fact!

See?

Snoink wrote:HA! My personal opinions are always fact!

See?

RIPOSTE:

Not in this situation

Snoink wrote:SK, you couldn't find grammatical errors? I was swimming in them!

Keyword: 'You'
Meaning I, me, I could not find any, because to be honest I didn't really look... That's why i'll never critisize stories, I don't pick them apart.

Next installment coming in three days

Your story is good, but the beginning sound like something from "Rurouni Kenshin" to me.

Reyu wrote:That was my original intent when I escaped the secret training ground.
By all laws of the human mind they should have had me completely brainwashed.
I guess even the mind can set up walls against walls.
That night must have been more than I could take... Yes, I can see it now, the snowfall was almost symbolic.

That part was really good. But it makes me curious as to what this guys deal is. And the snowfall part was really cool.