Removed #8

Topic has been removed.

Hi Tennisprincess! I'll be your reviewer for today!

As a child
I'd wake to
crisp Canadian winters

It would flow better if it was:
"As a child
I'd wake
to crisp Canadian winters"

fall out of bed,
pick myself up.
And then
I'd
notice
it.

Okay, here it sounds like a list, which doesn't work so well in poetry. Fix that up by making it flow better and not sound like a to do list.

A frozen sea
of green and me

Green? I thought it was snow....

This was a very good poem besides the things I pointed out. I loved how well you rhymed everything, and you changed emotions by the end, which made me want to keep reading it. It was long, but not bad. When bad poems are long...bleh, but yours was well written and enjoyable, so it was okay that it was long.

Great job!

~Forest

P.S. I LOVE TENNIS!!!

Thanks for the review!
And yes, tennis is my life!
RAFA NADAL <3
hehe...
and green is the color of the PJ's I had on. I realized that wouldn't make much sense to the reader but I figure they may figure it out.. possibly XD

Wait! What??? XD

You start off with a happy snow scene and then the girl forgets about the snowman because she falls asleep? And then, when she realizes what she's done, she regrets it and then commits suicide near the snowman?!?!?!?1

What a horribly twisted poem! XD

I don't know... it's really amusing in one way. But on the other hand, I don't know if I can believe it!

Still, I love the first part with its description of snow. Living in California, it's really nice to hear of the stuff... I was a teenager (about your age!) before I actually had the chance to play in it.

Technically, Snow doesn't turn read with blood unless there's heaps and heaps of it in one single spot. But seeing as these things tend to spread out, unless she gutted herself, I don't think the snow would turn read. Taking it from someone who's had a lot of idiot moments and who has seen blood fall into snow, it actually turns this sick-ish looking orange-ish yellow color. But given poetic licence and such, I suppose you have a right to make the snow red.

Regarding the actual content of the poem, the message you're trying to convey here is a little fuzzy. For me personally, I'm thinking of projects started and then forgotten, never finished. But I don't get depressed over any of them when I remember later, no matter how long its been. And I definitely don't get suicidal. You might want to make your metaphor more clear to ease up on the confusion.

Dreamer wrote:Technically, Snow doesn't turn read with blood unless there's heaps and heaps of it in one single spot. But seeing as these things tend to spread out, unless she gutted herself, I don't think the snow would turn read. Taking it from someone who's had a lot of idiot moments and who has seen blood fall into snow, it actually turns this sick-ish looking orange-ish yellow color. But given poetic licence and such, I suppose you have a right to make the snow red.

Regarding the actual content of the poem, the message you're trying to convey here is a little fuzzy. For me personally, I'm thinking of projects started and then forgotten, never finished. But I don't get depressed over any of them when I remember later, no matter how long its been. And I definitely don't get suicidal. You might want to make your metaphor more clear to ease up on the confusion.

You see, Dreamer, you are trying too hard to interpret every little thing - that isn't what poetry is all about. Poetry is the beauty of words - free from many technicalities and developed plots. Poetry is a song that comes out wrong, and bears a life inside the lines. The "works unfinished" you mentioned is part of it. Years pass in this poem. She goes from being a little girl to an adult, who has wasted her life somehow (you aren't told how and that is the point - for you to imagine). Sorry to comment like this but it really bothers me when people try to analyze every little bit of a poem because it completely defeats the point of the poem. Poems aren't necessarily full stories... It's a dark piece purposely intended to be dark and leave the reader wondering.

^^ Apologies. I've said it before and I'll say it again, I am far too literal for poetry to even begin to penetrate my skull. I am trying to expand my horizons a bit, though, so your input there ^^ is much appreciated. I'm actually much more used to critiquing full stories because I don't often have to worry about interpreting anything. With poetry, I know I'm going to need to do it, and so go waaaay too far down the hole until I'm right back where I started but with a slightly altered and muddled perception. So thanks for putting up with me while I learn the ropes of this particular form of writing. I'm fairly certain I'm going to need the practice.

Again, thanks for the advice.

No problem!
If I need help with some story writing, I know who to go to ;]

Now I know why I don't write poetry. I am like Dreamer, looking too deep into the poem. I got confused.....And I will tell you where so you can tell me how crazy I am and can explain it. (Also I had no clue she committed suicide until I read Snoink's comment...)

I just couldn't wait,
for a girl to seal her fate...

Okay. This confused me. I didn't understand where it came from or what it meant. It sounds to me like she is talking about another girl but I have a feeling she wasn't because she said "my future set". And then she forgets and you don't really explain anything about what it could mean. I agree with Dreamer it was a little fuzzy. I felt like even though it was sorta long you didn't give things enough time to be explained.

I hope I helped....If I didn't you can ignore it but even if it is a poem it should still be somewhat explained I think.
PM me if you're confused or have a question.

~peanut~

Hmm. I like the piece. I'm not going to repeat what others have said before, because I'm thinking the same, but the syllables don't exactly flow to gracefully...Perhaps you could edit or revise to smooth it out. I hate revising with a burning passion, so I have little room to talk, but when you have to, you have to, you know? I like the piece. There's a bittersweet tint of mystery in it, and what's up with Jack? Why did the MC become suicidal? Over a snowman? Over something she brought into this world but, no matter how hard she tried or how much she wanted to, couldn't take it out? Interesting poem...I look foreward to more pieces of yours ~Cheez_Burger~

That was really... interesting.

No, I liked it. But I agree with cheez, the flow is struggling a little. But other than that, it's great.

The content is very melodramatic and it would be a good idea to keep this away from small children who could take it too literally. But melodramatic is good. People complain about snow being cold and wet and causing traffic trouble but nobody considers the trauma of a little girl losing her first snowman! I loved that idea. It's really original and when you don't read into it too much, it's good.

But I'm not entirely sure you're right about the deptyh thing. All the years I've been studying Lit we've gone so far in-depth with poems we've had an entire lesson on the meaning of a bracket that turned out to be a typo! Factually, you're right, the blood thing doesn't seem significant, it's just dramatic effect. But there are supposedly hidden meanings behind everything in poetry and even if you didn't mean it that way, just smile and nod.

Well done though, and thanks for posting this. I enjoyed it.

Hope I helped
~Grin