Knowing Faith

Author's Note: This is just something I came up with, and wrote very quickly. This isn't the whole story, just the introduction of it. Tell me if you like it. Thoughts, comments, tips would be wonderful.

Knowing Faith --

I gazed aimlessly at the cage that was surrounding me, I was some kind of a bird, trapped. The cat stared at me, its puke yellow eyes upon me. Hunger was clear in its face, the way it licked its lips, as if already tasting the its prey..me.

“Linda? Linda, are you listening to me?” A voice asked, a hint of irritation in it.
I shook my head, and came back crashing down onto the world. I wasn’t some bird in some cage, and I wasn’t about to be attacked by some cat, but it sure as hell felt like it.
I ignored Mrs. Dempsey, the school counselor, who was babbling on about how I should be paying attention to her, and how important this talk we were having was.

“May I leave now?” I asked, the first four words I had said this entire hour, sitting in this tiny, cramped up room, four boring white walls surrounding me.

“No, you may not. You need to tell me. What happened that night? Let’s take it step by step. No need for rush. Just walk me through, try to remember.” She said, almost forcefully.
I stared at her, none of the words her mouth spoke of, reaching to my mind. I just sat there in silence, studying her features. Her eyes, black like charcoal, and too close together, and her mouth set in a tight line, showing no sense of kindness.

“Linda? Answer me.” She finally said, breaking the silence. I winced at her nasally voice, wishing she would just shut up, for once, and let me get out of here.

“Linda! I need to know, don’t you see? You cannot live like this forever. Quiet. Not telling anyone what happened.”

“I don’t remember.” I said quietly.

“Then try to!” She replied, her voice getting an octave higher.

“I don’t remember! Can you not get that, I don’t remember! I don’t care! I don’t know! I’m scared, I’m scared about what’s going to happen to me!” I shot back, tears welling in my eyes, blurring my vision.

“Why are you sca-“ She began to say, but I grabbed my jacket, and burst out the door, into the bathroom. I sank down onto the floor, hugging my knees to my chest, tears rolling down my cheeks.

I miss you Faith. I miss you.


Original idea by JustDance
© JustDance 2009

Hi Mattress! I don't have much time to give you a review so I'm just going be make it short and sweet and to the point . I like the over all idea of this and hope you add to it.

its puke yellow eyes upon me.

This imagery bugged me. I know that cats eyes are an odd color yellow but I think another word could have worded here.
Your story or at least this part is set in a school counselor's office I don't really see why she would be with a counselor at her school. Since she is you should probably mention her not doing her work or something so the people at the school would care. The counselor seems awfully concerned about Linda, so add more to that.
Other than that I didn't see anything wrong with it. It's a wonderful idea PM me when you post more

~peanut~

JustDance wrote:I gazed aimlessly at the cage that was surrounding me, I was some kind of a bird, trapped.

'Aimlessly' and 'surrounding' don't really go together for me. The way I think about it, 'surrounding' has more of a bad connotation and 'aimlessly' has more of a good connotation. The two don't go together.
'I was some kind of bird' puzzled me. If you're a bird, shouldn't you know what kind of bird you are. Tell us what kind it is.
This sentence doesn't flow very well for me at all. I don't really know what I'd do to make it better, I'd just think about it a little and see if you can find a way to make it flow a little better.

JustDance wrote:its puke yellow eyes upon me.

Puke yellow, haha Even though this is kind of funny, personally I would go with a different choice. I don't think I've ever seen yellow puke. Maybe try 'dark' or 'cold'.

JustDance wrote:“Linda? Linda, are you listening to me?” A voice asked, a hint of irritation in it.
I shook my head, and came back crashing down onto the world. I wasn’t some bird in some cage, and I wasn’t about to be attacked by some cat, but it sure as hell felt like it.
I ignored Mrs. Dempsey, the school counselor, who was babbling on about how I should be paying attention to her, and how important this talk we were having was.

Oooooooh! I see!
Okay, now I know how to fix that first line and make the reader less confused.
Try, 'I gazed aimlessly at the cage that was surrounding me. I felt like some kind of trapped bird.'

JustDance wrote:You need to tell me. What happened that night? Let’s take it step by step. No need for rush. Just walk me through, try to remember.” She said, almost forcefully.
I stared at her, none of the words her mouth spoke of, reaching to my mind. I just sat there in silence, studying her features. Her eyes, black like charcoal, and too close together, and her mouth set in a tight line, showing no sense of kindness.

I don't know why but this kind of makes me think of the book Speak by Laurie Halse Anderson. Right now I'm guessing she got raped or something.

JustDance wrote:“Why are you sca-“ She began to say, but I grabbed my jacket, and burst out the door, into the bathroom. I sank down onto the floor, hugging my knees to my chest, tears rolling down my cheeks.

I miss you Faith. I miss you.

Okay never mind The friend died and she was there and she may have had something to do with it. That's my new theory

Mm-kay, characters.
I don't feel close to either of them at all. Obviously this is still the beginning and there will be more and they'll get developed and everything, but as of right now, they're just there. Question. Was the cat actually there or was that some figment of her imagination or was it the therapist-like person?
Same thing with the plot. I know things are still getting set up and whatnot but as of right now the plot was just kind of there. I think it definitely has potential. I'm kind of curious to see if my theory is right.

-Carly

I like your start. You should put just a little more detail. And at the end you should put something mysterious hat would make your readers anxious to read your next piece for this story