Aradel's Daughter Preface

Short and Sweet, I haven't posted in a LONG time, this was my NaNoWriMo story, btw, and it totals around 1o,ooo words. I wrote the entire thing in eight days, while working a job, homework, and everything else, yuch.

Preface - Dreamed
The sky was dark. The Mists blanketed the narrow valley. Cela pulled the cowl of her cloak over her head. Her red eyes roaming the valley, glistening like rubies. Her sweeping white hair tumbling off of her shoulders, peeking out from the hood of her cloak. She tucked her hair behind her ears as she ran.
Cela ran far past the small city. Her hood flew down, her cloak flapped behind her like wings. Her snowy hair trailed behind her. Her eyes glistening like rubies. Thump, thump thump. Her feet thudded onto the springy ground. The river was growing in front of her. The distance must have been over fifteen feet across. Cela never removed her eyes from her target. A doe standing on the opposite side of the river.
She didn't hesitate as she met the waters edge. She seemed to fly through the air. She landed lightly on the opposite side as if this was natural. She let her cloak fly loose. It floated down the stream…

The Edit:

The sky was dark, and the Mists blanketed the narrow valley, rendering the world invisible, nothing but a white field. Cela pulled the cowl of her fawn-brown cloak over her head, to keep out the chill as best as she could. Her red eyes roamed the valley, glistening like rubies set into her sharply angled face. Her sweeping white hair tumbled off of her shoulders, peeking out from the hood of her cloak. She tucked her hair behind her ears, and ran.
Cela ran far past the small city. Her hood flew down, her cloak flapped behind her like wings. Her snowy hair trailed behind her, fanning out in the wind. Thump, thump thump, Her feet thudded on the springy ground, as she ran over the grass. The river beginning to grow in front of her, the distance to the other side must have been over fifteen feet.
Cela never removed her eyes from her target. A doe standing on the opposite side of the river, it was frightened, and began to bound into the forest.
She didn't hesitate as her feet struck the ledge of the river, she just kept moving. She seemed to fly through the air, landing lightly on the oposite side of the stream, not even winded. She let her cloak fly loose as she landed, it floated down the stream…

***
EDIT: Normally I won't post this up top, edited as well... but I figure since it's so short, it'll be okay.

Okay, so generally I don't like to comment on style, however... you could probably combine some sentences and make this piece a lot more smoother and easier to read. Right now, it seems incredibly stop and go... and yes, I am thinking of that awful brake commercial. For example:

The sky was dark and Mists blanketed the narrow valley. Cela pulled the cowl of her cloak over her head and scowled, her ruby red eyes roaming the valley.

That seems less stop and go than what you have.

Also, you have lots of description about the narrator, but it seems largely fluff. This is a story and stories need conflicts. I can easily write this description about World of Warcraft, for example, but if all you did in World of Warcraft was run around on springy ground, nobody would play it. What you need is the promise of action. That's why World of Warcraft is so popular... it has quests and killing things. The pretty stuff is largely secondary.

You need promise of action! So why not start with some action? What is the point of this story? Who/What is she going to encounter? Expand on this and I promise you, the story will seem that much more interesting.

Hey, I'll be a reviewer.
Good job on your NaNoWriMo. Anyway, I feel like picking and prying, since it's a small piece. (mwahahaha...)

The Mists blanketed the narrow valley.

Any reason why "The Mists" are in caps? If so, you should say why.

Her eyes glistening like rubies.

Fragment alert! Also you used this analogy not to long ago, which makes it repetitive and boring. See...

Her red eyes roaming the valley, glistening like rubies.

A doe standing on the opposite side of the river.

Another fragment. Use commas or colons/semicolons to make two sentences into one to avoid this.

Good job! I'm impressed that you've already done a NaNoWriMo.

Okay, there is one reason why there is no action in this. I will tell you a secret...


It's a dream.


That is the reason I have it very descriptive. So I'm going to throw up the next chapter, and feel free to read, you might like it.
Also, this is the first NaNoWriMo I've ever done... I heard about it really, REALLY late.

Okay, so a few comments. One, this was very choppy. You use a lot of periods where you don't need them. Secondly, I hate how you ended it with "..." I think it should just be a period because you aren't continuing this segment, are you? Maybe thats just me... haha

So, here I go:

The sky was dark.

So, I have to say, for an opener, this is very boring. It doesn't draw me in like a grabber should.

Preface - Dreamed
The sky was dark. The Mists blanketed the narrow valley. So here, you should just separate these two sentences by a comma with an and after it. Also, the italisized: Throughout this, you seem to change tenses. I will italisize all the words that are in present tense because I think this works better in past tense.Cela pulled the cowl of her cloak over her head. Her red eyes roaming the valley, glistening like rubies. Her sweeping white hair tumbling off of her shoulders, peeking out from the hood of her cloak. She tucked her hair behind her ears and ran.
Cela ran far past the small city.So, the underlined: You already used 'ran' in teh sentence above, try to change words. Maybe say bounded or something like that. We already know she's running. Her hood flew down and her cloak flapped behind her like wings. Her snowy hair trailed behind her. Her eyes glistening like rubies. Ahh! You already said her eyes were glistening like rubies. Also, that line is a bit cliche. You might want to avoid using it.Thump, thump thump. I think you should either delete this, or don't say she thudded in the next sentence. It's just odd...Her feet thudded onto the springy ground. The river was growing in front of her and the distance must have been over fifteen feet across. Cela never removed her eyes from the target: a doe that was standing on the opposite side of the river.
She didn't hesitate as she met the waters edge. She seemed to fly through the air and landed lightly on the opposite side as if it was a natural thing to do. She let her cloak fly loose and watched it as it floated down the stream.

[/quote]

So, like I said before your writing was a bit choppy, but that's okay. Just remember to use other punctuation and not just periods. Also, but some emotion into it! Tell me what she is feeling! Keep writing

~Classy

Hello!

The others mentioned grammar, so I won't do anything but emphasize it like I am now. Grammar.

So! This was very short, sweet, and to the point. I think this is alright. I've seen good novels start with very short prefaces like this. However, you could do so much more with this. As it is now, it just seems like a random scene with no significance. You mention that it's a dream. You shouldn't have to tell us that though.

Here's what I propose we do: Take this in a whole new perspective. What if you had this dream? Which perspective would it be? How would you feel? And put your description to the extreme. In a dream, you generally focus on one thing. Hardly ever is the environment around you so clear. Make things hazy, hard to see, or generally ignored. Make the character much more creepier than it really is, make the deer much more important than it really is (even if it is important) and just over-exaggerate on a number of levels.

That's how dreams tend to go. Some people wake up sweating and out of breath because their said dreams were way too intense for a good night's rest. Some people refuse to wake up from their dream because those dreams are just so peaceful and wonderful to leave.

And then at the end, give the reader a hint that it was a dream. "...and then he woke up." That's a cliche way of doing it, but it helps explain my point. You know how sometimes your alarm clock ring makes its way into the dream and suddenly becomes a random asset until you realize that it's your alarm and you should wake up for school? That's another way you could do it.

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!

Okay I'll just review your edited version.

Firstly, it's a good read, very descriptive. Also your words are very smooth flowing.

And there's a language error.
'She seemed to fly through the air, landing lightly on the oposite side of the stream, not even winded.'
I think you meant to say. She seemed to fly through the air, landing lightly on the opposite side of the stream, not even wounded.

Other than that, this was a good read.

Hello Star-queen, that is what your screen name means right?

First the technical reviewing.

Cela ran far past the small city. Her hood flew down, her cloak flapped behind her like wings. Her snowy hair trailed behind her, fanning out in the wind. Thump, thump thump, Her feet thudded on the springy ground, as she ran over the grass.

Okay you've used six 'her' words in this paragraph so far. Although this isn't technically a mistake, it makes a story more flowing and less boring. Read the paragraph aloud and you'll see what I mean.

Seems like all the reviewing has been done before i could review the preface. So I'll skip right to main part of the review.

Normally when writing of a dream it should be written in the characters perspective or your perspective as JabberHut has most cleverly pointed out above. Also normally most fantasy dreams are symbolic in some way, you should emphasize anything that needs to be emphasized. The surroundings should be either hazy or you could just ignore the surrounding completely. Also normally a dream ends in a cliffhanger. For example the dreamer finds him or herself falling down a cliff and then she or he suddenly wakes up. Of course you could also just put in some random voice that calls the protagonists name which makes her wake up... or not. As long as it tempts the reader to turn the page, lures the reader into your trap, stirs the readers imagination and make him or her want to read the rest of the story, your done.

Of course other than that the preface was interesting, readable and mildly enigmatic. Well done and forgive me if i was too harsh (I hope not ). I am certainly looking forward to read the rest of your story, see ya till then!

Okay, so this is, overall, quite good. You have the base but you need to work on sentence structure. When you describe her hair, you might want to use something else,"Her sweeping white hair tumbling" is kinda... redundant. You could say "her long(or synonym for long) white hair" using two words ending in 'ing' so close after each other isn't a good idea
It has promise... I enjoyed it. Keep on writing!

It's a very good start in a story, it's described very well (I like that). I like how you said'her red eyes roamed the valley, glistening like rubies set into her sharply angled face.' That was very interesting and unique.
Keep on writing!

Preface - Dreamed

The sky was dark, and the mists blanketed the narrow valley, rendering the world invisible until nothing but a white field remained. Cela pulled the cowl of her fawn-brown cloak over her head to keep out the chill as best as she could. Her red eyes, glistening like rubies set into her sharply angled face, roamed the valley. Her sweeping white hair, peeking out from the hood of her cloak, tumbled off of her shoulders. Tucking her hair behind her ears, she ran.

Far past the small city, Cela continued to run. Her hood flew down and her cloak flapped behind her like wings. Her snowy hair, fanning out in the wind, trailed behind her. Her feet thudded on the cold ground, and as she ran over the frozen grass, she could hear the tiny blades crack. The river had begun to grow in front of her, getting bigger with every yard she dashed across the frosted earth.

Cela never removed her eyes from her target. A doe standing hesitantly on the opposite side of the river, the deer was overcome with dread, and bounded into the woods.

As Cela advanced on the river, her red eyes became dreadfully terrifying with a deranged glare. Her toes grazed the rock shelf that bordered the river, and for a moment she seemed to glide through the frigid air. At last landed on the other side of the river, her feet briefly skimming the grass, before she was off into the woods once again...

Yes, another edit.