Unintended Death (working title)

This is for Moriah Leila's contest. I used the last picture. I wrote this in about 10 minutes and plan to go back to rewrite so if it's horrible please tell me . If anyone has a suggestion for the title it'd be appreciated.

~peanut~



I clench my fist, the jagged edges of the rock cutting into my hand. It was supposed to be my weapon but she told me to leave. I was supposed to protect her but he was too quick. And now she lays broken in a heap at his feet. All I can do is watch through the holes he made in the walls, creating bars that keep me from my sister.
I don’t cry out when he raises the gun. I make no sound as he aims it at her back and she whimpers in terror. She told me to be silent. I flinch when the rock scrapes against the broken bricks; I know he heard it. But he doesn’t move. I can hear the gun click as the barrel falls into place and it is ready to shoot.
I am supposed to strike. To strike when necessary was her only instruction before confronting him. The rock has dug into my palm and I can see the tiny rivulets of blood as they drip down the rough edge. I can hear him whisper to her in a calm voice.
It makes me sick; I can feel the scowl creep on my lips. I drop the rock and wait as it ricochets off of the hard ground. He turns, his sinister eyes groping at the small amount of light to see in the darkness. When he walks toward the holes I walk around, to the door that he has left ajar. He didn’t think about me, Mac’s baby brother being her.
I remember from when there was light in the room that there is a table beside the door. It is where he got his gun when he took her. We were down by the pond where no one could see. Another gun sits beside a book in the back corner of the drawer.
“Boy, I don’t know what you think you are doing,” Trevor says in the darkness. There is sliver of light coming through the door of the little room. It lands on Mackenzie’s face and I watch as he kicks her. She coils up like a snake, holding her side where his boot made contact with her ribs. My eyes move from her to his hand that is posed over her chest with the barrel about a foot from her.
“If you shoot I do,” I say trying to keep my hand from shaking. I have never killed anyone. I never thought I would need to.
“Put the gun down, you don’t even know how to use it. I’m gonna teach your sister a lesson, boy, and you can’t help her.” He says his finger itching to pull the trigger. Mac is crying. I can hear her soft sobs and can see it as she shakes against the ground. She doesn’t deserve this, no matter what she did to this guy.
I slowly raise the gun. I have to hold it with both hands; the shaking is making it wiggle in my grip. And I pull the trigger.
Trevor falls as a noise loud enough to break glass echoes in the small space. He is surprised as the bullet slices through him. His knees hit the ground and he smiles at me.
“I told you not to shoot.” he whispers, the life fading out of him slightly. But the gun is still in his hand. I watch in horror as he pulls the trigger on his gun. Mackenzie’s sobs die with her.

Hey Pea

I clinch my fist, the jagged edges of the rock cutting into my hand. - I think clench would be better here, clinch just makes me think about a businessman clinching a deal.

I flinch when the rock scraps against the broken bricks - I think you meant scrapes here and not scraps.

I can hear the gun click as the barrel falls into place and it is ready to shoot. - I think it would flow better if you put 'into place and is ready to shoot.'

He didn’t think about me, Mac’s baby brother being her. - being her? Did you mean being here?

“Boy, I don’t know what you think you are doing,” Trevor says in the darkness. - I think it would be better if you don't have him speaking perfect English so, "Boy, I don't know what you think you're doing," might be better.

There is sliver of light coming through the door of the little room. - I think it should be 'There is a sliver'

“Put the gun down, you don’t even know how to use it. I’m gonna teach your sister a lesson, boy, and you can’t help her.” He says his finger itching to pull the trigger. - I'm not sure about Trevor's motivations in killing Mac of course but I don't like where he says 'Put the gun down'. I think if he is like a ruthless killer he might not even ask the boy to put the gun down. He might even find it amusing that this boy is threatening to kill him. That might even make his character seem more threatening and creepy, which I think would improve this story.

Dialogue - I know there isn't much here but even the smallest pieces of dialogue, if written well, can make a huge impact on the story. I think because mainly it is the bad guy speaking here, that if you change the dialogue slightly, especially the bit I highlighted above then it could make him appear even more menacing to the reader or like slightly unhinged.

Character - I like the characterisation of the boy, all the emotions are there and I got caught up in them but it is sort of easier to relate to him as it is from his point of view. The character I think you could improve on is Trevor, as I said before I don't know your intentions for his motivations but I think it would be better if he was more menacing and more creepy. Maybe make it so he kind of finds pleasure in this situation and finds it funny when the boy is threatening to kill him.

Pace - I thought the pacing was good. You created a nice build up in the story and I really wanted to know what was going to happen but you didn't give it to me too easily. So I thought that was pretty good.

Description - The description overall was pretty good. However I did get lost in the middle somewhere, when the boy enters the room. I thought for a moment that Trevor had left the room and then I realised he was still in the room. That whole section of the movement there is a tad confusing, in regards to trying to figure out where everyone is. So I think it might be a good idea to go over that bit. There were a few moments in the description like that, where I wasn't sure what was happening but other than that it was good.

Let me know when you have an edited piece up, I would like to read it

PM me if you have any questions,

Bex x

Hi peanut. I totally got distracted mid review and started chilling in chat. *bad lily*
But anyways, let’s start with the little stuff!

Nipicks

It was supposed to be my weapon but she had told me to leave.

I was supposed to protect her but he had been too quick.

Honestly

There were a lot of issues that I had with this, the foremost being that I couldn’t see the scene this was taking place in. I did take a look at the prompt for this and I think you definitely should have taken more time to work in where this was taking place. It’s because of this fact that the action didn’t completely seem to make sense. At one point, it seemed like your MC was in another room watching what was going on and then in the next minute, it started to seem like they were in the room the whole time.

My recommendation is to go back and just fill in until the whole picture seems complete to the reader. Being able to see (in your minds eye) where this is all taking place with give the piece so much more impact.

Any questions, just PM me.

~lilymoore

First! He's holding a rock that transforms into a gun? What?! Doesn't make sense!

Second, it seemed rather strange. You have this really intense conflict where there is creepy guy who is plans to torture and kill this poor girl, you have her little brother watching and he is generally unhappy about that. But then you have these inner thoughts go on and on, and that's not really good. Think: if I were to tell you a story where there is this creepy person with a gun who plans to kill and torture this girl, who would you rather have the story centered on?

A) The creepy man.

B) The girl.

C) The kid who's not doing anything.

Hmmmmmm... I pick A or B.

Obviously, this isn't the perspective that you have chosen, so you can't actually do this, but you can resemble this sort of thing by making it less centered on his emo angsty thoughts and more on what's actually happening.

Also! You have this evil bad guy, but he doesn't seem to be real. Like, he's an evil person... we get that from his appearance, his dialogue, his actions. But there's nothing that really compels us to think of him as anything other than an evil guy, rendering him flat. In fact, that's what it feels like with most of the characters. We don't really know the girl, but even while she's being tortured, there's nothing that really says, "She is suffering" or whatever. And the brother seems content to just rattle off angsty monologues at us about how he was supposed to protect her. And yeah...

To make realistic characters, you need to make them more than just the characters who you think they are. Yeah, they do evil things... so what? Yeah, they're supposed to be good... why should I care? For the evil character, you can make him do something nice, you can make him seem somewhat pleasant, anything. For the boy, you can make him nervous, unsure. Less, "I was supposed to do this and failed" and more, "HOLY CRAP, WHAT DO I DO NOW???" For the girl, you can make her try to move and fail. That way, it shows us that she has some vigor that she lacks now.

So yeah. Don't be afraid to go in depth! It's good for you, honest!

Hi peanut19,

peanut19 wrote:I clinch my fist, the jagged edges of the rock cutting into my hand. It was supposed to be my weapon but she told me to leave. I was supposed to protect her but he was too quick. And now she lays broken in a heap at his feet. All I can do is watch through the holes he made in the walls, creating bars that keep me from my sister.

This is subjective, but I recommend breaking this up into two paragraphs; one for the opening sentence and another for the rest of it. This is because of the tense change; bring the point home that he's reflecting on the past while coping with the present by the physical utilization of seperating the lines. Again, subjective.

I don’t cry out when he raises the gun. I make no sound as he aims it at her back and she whimpers in terror. She told me to be silent. I flinch when the rock scraps against the broken bricks; I know he heard it. But he doesn’t move. I can hear the gun click as the barrel falls into place and it is ready to shoot.

This is too choppy. I can understand why you would do this in a paragraph such as the next one; you need to show the tense situation, the value of every second and every move. But in the above-quoted paragraph, the narrator doesn't even do anything. All he does it sit there and watch, and for some reason you turn that into one of the most suspenseful paragraphs in the entire story. It doesn't work. Make these moments more fluid than the rest.

I am supposed to strike. To strike when necessary was her only instruction before confronting him. The rock has dug into my palm and I can see the tiny rivulets of blood as they drip down the rough edge. I can hear him whisper to her in a calm voice.

It makes me sick; I can feel the scowl creep on my lips. I drop the rock and wait as it ricochets off of the hard ground. He turns, his sinister eyes groping at the small amount of light to see in the darkness. When he walks toward the holes I walk around, to the door that he has left ajar. He didn’t think about me, Mac’s baby brother being her.

You're ricocheting between several different ideas here all at once, and the result is that none of them manage to sink in. The instructions from the sister, the rock, and the narrator's walking into the door. The novelty of the "tense situation, small sentence" is now gone. Focus on what's happening and what's going on around the narrator - the surroundings, the thoughts.

The last sentence in the above-quoted paragraph makes no sense.

I remember from when there was light in the room that there is a table beside the door. It is where he got his gun when he took her. We were down by the pond where no one could see. Another gun sits beside a book in the back corner of the drawer.

"Boy, I don’t know what you think you are doing,” Trevor says in the darkness. There is sliver of light coming through the door of the little room. It lands on Mackenzie’s face and I watch as he kicks her. She coils up like a snake, holding her side where his boot made contact with her ribs. My eyes move from her to his hand that is posed over her chest with the barrel about a foot from her.

If the light hits Mackenzie's face, then you should describe her face. Otherwise, even pointing out that fact to the reader doesn't connect at all because it doesn't seem to be leading anywhere.

“If you shoot I do,” I say trying to keep my hand from shaking. I have never killed anyone. I never thought I would need to.

Obviously the reason that you haven't killed anyone is that you didn't think you'd need to. It's unnecessary, makes this seem bloated. Cut that last part out.

“Put the gun down, you don’t even know how to use it. I’m gonna teach your sister a lesson, boy, and you can’t help her.” He says his finger itching to pull the trigger. Mac is crying. I can hear her soft sobs and can see it as she shakes against the ground. She doesn’t deserve this, no matter what she did to this guy.

It's unlikely that the narrator would assign some blame - any blame - on his child sister when she's being threatened and viciously assaulted by a man. "No matter what she did to this guy" wouldn't go through his head. Right now, while his kin is on the verge of injury or death, he should be animalistic. Atavistic in his fear. He shouldn't have time to rationalize, so beware of that. Go through the story and temper any extensive reasoning that wouldn't manifest itself in such a desperate situation.

I slowly raise the gun. I have to hold it with both hands; the shaking is making it wiggle in my grip. And I pull the trigger.

Wiggling is not something associated with the suspenseful, climactic feeling that you are going for here. Furthermore, it's difficult to envision a handgun "wiggling" like a slug or snail. It sounds completely out of place, so replace it with something else, anything else.

Trevor falls as a noise loud enough to break glass echoes in the small space. He is surprised as the bullet slices through him. His knees hit the ground and he smiles at me.

The reader needs to know more than that. If a bullet tears its way through a body, there is going to be some visceral imagery associated with the shooting; even if there wasn't, the narrator has never killed before, and this should profoundly shake him to the point where his mind spirals into a cascade of emotion. Nothing of the sort has happened here, or in the coming paragraphs. It's all cut-and-paste, dry, boring. Talk about the narrator; talk about how he perceives the bullet entering foe, how his senses pick up the shredding, the wild blood.

“I told you not to shoot.” he whispers, the life fading out of him slightly. But the gun is still in his hand. I watch in horror as he pulls the trigger on his gun. Mackenzie’s sobs die with her.

This, conceivably the most important part of the story (or one of the most critical parts of the story, even though it is the conclusion) falls flat because it happens so fast and so bankrupt of emotion. He whispers, something about "life fading out" (how is the reader even supposed to envision that?), pulling a trigger, Mackenzie's death. You don't even talk about Mackenzie's death, which is not believable considering she means everything to the narrator. It just ends. It's as if a meteor came crashing down and instantly killed everyone. A cheap shot. You need to greatly expand on the conclusion, explain, illustrate. Take time especially on the transition from the man's surprise to how he decides to shoot Mackenzie with his dying breath.

Hope that helped,
Galerius

The concept is good and you started the story at an interesting point however it got somewhat lost when you mentioned the names. Firstly, we do not know which is which. Who is Trevor or Mackenzie…what do they look like? Try to give them on how they look like to give us a better impression to the story.

Also, how you introduce them was a bit blurry…when you started telling about Trevor, it felt soon because the reader was still in the mood of the boy going inside the building so above all, it was too sudden. Try to introduce them later (except for the girl maybe) and give us some short and interesting phrase to introduce Trevor. If this is a suspense, then you need some quick technique. Try, “Behind me, I heard the clicking of fingers followed by the words, “…”. That way we could have some suspense.

As well, how about motivation. What cause all of this? You mentioned that part of it was the girl’s, so what did she do that cause this. You cannot tell all of it but show it through their reaction or expression. Maybe some dialogue maybe be needed