The Rape Tunnel (1)

[temo deleted]

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Thoughts?

Part 2 (and possibly 3) to follow tomorrow.

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Part 2 is go.

Good day, Sureal. June here.

Good work, this. I'd like to follow along should you continue it.

I didn't notice any errors in this, and don't really have the whatsit to nitpick, but this, at the end, kind of stood out to me as a bit iffy.

We all look at the - well, it’s obviously a door. It has obviously been lowered on purposes.

The close repetition of 'obviously' kind of nags at me, dear, and I'm not sure if 'purposes' should be 'purpose'? I think it should be purpose, but I don't know if that's just American style of usage.

I enjoyed your character introduction, Sureal. Beautifully done-- no info-dumping or any other blase details involved. Smooth, easy style of writing, great job describing setting, and good beginning. I'm hooked.

Keep up the excellence.

- June

That was spectacular! I really liked it! The title is what drew me in. (I know I'm such a pervert!) I've never read anything like this, it was unique. I didn't see any mistakes, but, then again, I wasn't looking for them. I can hardly wait until part two! Well, that's all! Bye-bye!

XOXOXOXOX
Summer Night

Sureal --

This is going to be the greatest story ever.

"With a name like 'Rape Tunnel,' it has to be good!"

I noticed that this basically has a classic scary story set-up, which is awesome, as long as you keep playing on the suspense. I would suggest not getting too bogged down with frequent asides about the characters if it breaks the tension or pacing. Obviously I'm not quite sure where you're going with this yet, but if you are shooting for the horror angle, just remember to stay on target.

Anyway, nice opener, and seriously: You're going to be getting a ton of views with that title, and you'll have everyone's attention after they read this bit, so you'd better deliver the goods. Preferably ridiculous goods.

If possible, PM me when you post the second part.

Prokaryote

Hey Sur,

This is really good stuff, basic, simple exposition well executed.

My only comment, really, is that all ginger-related comments within were hilarious and in effect, the highlight of this piece. More of that, plz.

The only one moment that had the slightest hitch to it was this -- "for the sunlight - sunlight? what sunlight? it’s night, genius -" which felt more like you correcting yourself than a natural occuring thought for the character.

Anywho,

Cheers

But... does it coil... like a snake?

But yeah... I totally know what's going to happen next (and yes, the spoilers are spoilers for a reason... they will curdle your brain):

Spoiler

They're TOTALLY in a magical dildo which is attached to the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers' Megazord, which is then used to rape the bad guy's huge robotic contraption that they have to fight. Soooooooooo kinky.

OR!

Spoiler

THEY'RE IN A GIGANTIC DUCK PENIS!

Uh huh. This story is going to be fuc-- I mean... um... just awesome?

Hah, I always love reading your stories. They're just so funny. The comment about Scotland got a good laugh.

So, yeah - agreeing with Pork in that if you're going for the horror angle, you might want to tone down on the humour. It's because we've got to know the characters as jovial and sarcastic much more than anything else. But you've probably already written it anyway.

Didn't spot any typos or anything to comment on at the grammar side of things. Excellent introduction. The first few lines really grabbed me, and then as you introduced the rest of the setting everything fell into place, and I could tell that it wasn't a hook for the sake of hooking.

with no gaps for the sunlight - sunlight? what sunlight? it’s night, genius - to get in, there are

That threw me at first. I didn't really know what was going on, and I really don't think it's necessary as it didn't contribute a whole lot.

Eh, looking forward to the second part! (To be honest, this bit almost works on its own, but I'd like to see how you carry on with it.) I'll stop spamming this thread now. Post moar.

Blinky

Hello, Sureal. Is that supposed to be like "Surreal"? with two "R"s?
Sorry, I get distracted easily. And you don't have to answer that if you don't want to, it's just one of my random "pointing out" moments.
Wow, I must have creeped you out with that.
Never mind, I'll just get started with the review.

The overall piece is extremely good. The MC's way of adding his own personal touch to the story, interrupting a scene to say something that's on his mind. His thought process is funny, the way he prejudices certain things. Like gingers.
I agree with some of the other reviews, if this is horror than maybe you should tone down the humour. It's okay once in a while but not all the time.
Great cliffhanger, by the way. As I was reading I thought nothing was going to happen since nothing really did and too much time had passed by that when he looks back and there's a door there, blocking their exit, I was a little surprised. Though you should know that everybody expects it.
If this is going to be about horror or suspense, I have a suggestion. Instead of making something happen that everyone is expecting, like, getting locked in a tunnel where there is sure to be danger, make something else happen, something so totally distracting and off point of what the reader thinks will happen. It's a lot more of an interesting piece when everything you think is gonna happen doesn't and an entirely new way of looking at a situation shows up.
Well, I think that's it. Great story, I can't wait until tomorrow to see the next part of the story.
dianne

Thanks for the reviews, guys. =)

I'm getting that the 'sunlight? what sunlight? it’s night, genius' bit didn't go down too well, which works for me. Wasn't sure if I liked it myself. Consider it cut.

I know the second part was meant to be up two days ago, but I've been really lazy, so it's not done. On the bright side, I don't intend to sleep tonight until the entire 3,000 word story is complete (it's currently 4am), so it'll be up soon for y'all to comment on and critique. (Assuming I don't get bored and go to sleep, anyway.)

EDIT: Part 2 is up.