untitled

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i need you
as you need i
everything we see
its eye to eye

conversations
last for hours
as we sit in fields
of fragrant flowers

worlds apart
yet still i know
our loving bond
continues to grow
"There you go - sausages à la bread!" - Blue.




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Gender Male
Points 11542
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This poem rhymed really well, and it never got off beat. Everything you wrote sounded natural, and, well, I don't have any criticism at all.

Great job!




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Gender Female
Points 890
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thx!

its really weird 4 me 2 write sumthin
like this - normally all of my poems r
really depressin...

:roll:
"There you go - sausages à la bread!" - Blue.




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Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 48
This sounds like a greeting card, I don't mean it in bad way :) I just mean that you express your feelings so simply and sweetly :) I think maybe you should capitalise your "I's" though. Other than that very nice.




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Gender Female
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yeah, you did really well with the rhyming...better than i ever could, of course...some people are good with making their poetry rhyme. and then others,like myself, are rather unsuccessful.
when there's nowhere to go, it's time to grow up.




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Gender Female
Points 10087
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Aww, that poem is so sweet! I love it. Particularly the inversion in the first stanza - "I need you/as you need I" - very clever. My only little bits of criticism would have to be that you should change the "its" in that stanza ("its eye to eye") to "is" - I cant help reading it like that anyway and it seems to make more sense; and in the last stanza, I think "continues" ("continues to grow") should be changed to "will always" or something like that - "continues" seems too many syllables for the rhyme scheme somehow. In my opinion.
I adore the second stanza, exactly as is...
"conversations
last for hours
as we sit in fields
of fragrant flowers"

Such vivid visuals in so few words! Its awesome. I can just picture myself in a fragrant field talking with a loved one. Beautiful imagery. I would love to see a greeting card made out of this! But dont capitalize the i's. It gives it something...I dunno, like a personal touch or something - a quirk - with them in lowercase, and lends something to the flavour. Like it was written by a precocious kid or something, you know? Hard to explain, but this is definitely one of my favourites. Keep up the good work!
Got a poem or short story you want me to critique?

There is only one success: to be able to spend your life in your own way, and not to give others absurd maddening claims upon it. (C D Morley)




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Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 685
Not bad. Though I didn't really like the "as you need I" part. It just sounded kind of silly. Rhyming poetry is great, but don't sacrifice grammar just to rhyme a word. It will sound just as good with an inconsistant rhyming scheme if you use "me." My only other suggestion is to maybe expand on this in order to make it more personal. because it really does sound a bit like a greeting card.




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Gender Male
Points 5890
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Very well done. It was short and sweet, and the rhyming was awesome. Nice job!
Gotta a find a woman be good to me,
Who won't hide my liquor, try to serve me tea.




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Gender Male
Points 890
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I really liked it. It was great! Keep writing! :D
Ohhhhhhh YEAH!!!!!!



"I never expected that I should be a queen so soon."
— Alice's Adventures in Wonderland