How to save your life; prologue

Hello, just something I wrote up this morning before I went to school. I would like one ripping to shreds, please!


I was bred to kill. Yes; my sole purpose is to kill you, and everyone around you. What’s more – I am easily capable, so competent that I could do it with my eyes shut. Right now – as you are reading this at home, on the bus, at work – there is someone out there to kill you. Look to your left, and then to your right.

Who will die first?

You?

Or one of them?

It’s not survival of the fittest… no. It’s nothing like that.

I suppose you think I’m lying? Okay, you can go around thinking that; it’s not like I care. But one day, you’ll regret not taking my advice. And that day is coming soon. By the time you realise that I am right, it will be too late. You will either be dead, or living out those painful last seconds of your life.

And believe me; they will be painful.

I’m not your average kid, as you may have guessed. I’m not a psychopath, either. I’m just who I am, what my childhood made me, and that’s not something you’ll want to know about. But I suppose you would, if it has any chance of saving your life. That’s why you picked up this book, and that’s why you’re still reading.

Big mistake.

I wrote this not to have it read, but to have it written, for me. A documentation of what they did to me, of those sadistic men and their ‘exercises’ that I had to endure just to survive. And if I didn’t survive - tough luck. There were dozens of others that would do the job just fine, even better. They survived, after all. But I suppose that it’s good someone like you has decided to read; it might give you a chance.

Unlikely.

Or it could open your eyes right now and give you a chance to run while you still can. But if you heed my warnings, then you shouldn’t be here. There’s no time to waste as you read this.

Go, now - before it’s too late.

The only way that you could save yourself would be to join them. But I can’t see that happening; they can breed anyone they need. Quite ingenious, actually. Self-sustainability keeps people like you out.

But me, or someone just like me, will be after you sometime soon. And you will die, even if you run, even if you hide. With a single swish of my finger, you could be dead. Right here, on the spot I could think of twelve different ways to kill you without giving you any chance at all, not that you would ever get a chance. Me and the others are too good. We have to be, or else we wouldn't have survived.

Or I could leave you alone, save you the sweet embrace of death. But I can’t see that happening either. It’s not what I was born to do.

Still don't believe me? Well, that's your problem. My word is the only reference you will ever be able to find; but then again, I don't exist. Not officially, anyway.

By the time you realise that you were right, it’ll be too late.

Realise should be [/i]realized.[/i]

There were dozens of other’s that would do the job

Other's should be others.

This is a great prologue. I especially liked the cliffhanger. I would definitely like to read the next part.

Keep on writing.

Hey, asxz! I shall be your reviewer this afternoon . . . or evening or morning or whatever time it is for you right now. Well, never mind.

So, here's my review key: bold is a correction, italics in (parenthesis) is a comment of mine, and underlined is something I will comment specifically on.

I was breed (So, first of all, this sounds very strange. I know you meant "bred", but that still doesn't sound right. I would just say "made." It's simpler, sounds better, and still gets the point across.) to kill. Yes; bred made to kill you, and that includes everyone around you. What’s more, I can (This part I think you could maybe say something like "I am more than capable." Because that short sentence doesn't fit much, plus a more eloquent phrase would put cold emphasis on it, I think.). Right now – as you are reading this at home, on the bus, at work – there is someone out there to kill you.

Think I’m lying? Sure Okay, you can go around thinking that, it's fine with me. (This part I added to continue your tone of cool but serious sarcasm.) But one day, you’ll regret not taking my advice. And that day’s coming soon. By the time you realise that you were right I was right, it’ll be too late. You’ll either be dead by then; or only moments away from that sweet embrace. (Here I think you should change this, because a) putting the "either" in the first clause makes it seem incomplete, and b) the "sweet embrace" is very confusing. It might just be me, but it took me a little while to figure out what you meant. So I would replace it with something like: By then, you will either be dead, or moments from it.)

I’m not your average kid, as you may have guessed. I’m not a psychopath, either. I’m just what my childhood made me, and that’s not something you’ll want to know about. But I suppose you would, if it has any chance of saving your life. That’s why you picked up this book, and that’s why you’re still reading. (I really like this - it's a direct connection to the reader, knowing and mentioning that they are there. I really like it.)

Big mistake.

I wrote this not to be have it read, but to be have it written, for me. A documentation of what they did to me, of the cruel torture (Right here I was expecting a more original description.) that I had to endure, just to survive. And if I didn’t survive, tough luck. There were dozens of other’s that would do the job just fine, even better. They survived, after all. But I suppose that it’s good someone like you has decided to read; it might give you a chance. Unlikely.

Or it could open your eyes, and give you a chance to run while you still can. But if you heed my warnings, then you shouldn’t be here. There’s no time to waste as you read this; go, now - before it’s too late.

But me, or someone just like me will be after you sometime soon. And you’ll die, even if you run. With a seconds notice, I could kill you or make you live. With a single swish of my finger, you could die I could kill you. With a tiny nod of my head, you could die I could kill you.

What’s more – I don’t even exist. I was never born. Officially.

OVERALL: This is a very good beginning. It's intriguing, and it does make me want to read more. I would suggest trying not to be repetitious in your writing, and making your sentences longer in places and shorter in others. This one is full of shorter sentences. Just try to have some diversity.

PM when you post the next part, and keep going!

~Sunny

Thanks Suuny and Eliza! I've changed everything around, for anyone else who wants to read. Thanks again for the reviews and I* am glad to hear that you liked it!

That was very well written. It has just enough suspense that I want to read more, but not too much so that it is overbearing. I'm extremely curious about what is going to happen next. The only thing that I think could've been mentioned but wasn't was the gender and name of the person. It's not very important right now, but that's just my opinion.
Keep writing!

I like this, its a very well written story.

Hi! Here to review.

I was bred to kill. Yes; my sole purpose is to kill you, and everyone around you. What’s more – I am easily capable, so competent that I could do it with my eyes shut. Right now – as you are reading this at home, on the bus, at work – there is someone out there to kill you. Look to your left, and then to your right.

While this paragraph is good in content, I was getting a bit annoyed at the use of the - symbol. This is just me being picky though, and not necessarily something I would change. Also, the 'bred' in the first line, I personally would change that to born.

I wrote this not to have it read, but to have it written, for me. A documentation of what they did to me, of those sadistic men and their ‘exercises’ that I had to endure just to survive. And if I didn’t survive - tough luck. There were dozens of others that would do the job just fine, even better. They survived, after all. But I suppose that it’s good someone like you has decided to read; it might give you a chance.

Unlikely.

I really like this paragraph. Good job. It stood out.

Still don't believe me? Well, that's your problem. My word is the only reference you will ever be able to find; but then again, I don't exist. Not officially, anyway.

Good ending. A nice cliffhanger, but not overly dramatic or fake feeling.

Overall, very good start! It definitely makes me want to read more, which of course, is what you want.

(Oh and by the way, while reading this, I couldn't help but imagine Rorschach from Watchmen's voice as the narrator. Don't know if that's relevant at all, or if you even know who that is, but just thought I'd tell you. XD)

No, sorry. I don't know who that guy is. But thanks for the review. I would like to point out though, that that the while point of the first line is for it to sound weird. He was bred to kill. It wasnt there just because I worded it funny. Anyone got any tips to make it more obvious that I'd is like that?
Thanks for the reviews, YWS-ers!

I personally think the beginning fine. Though I didn't understand the actuality of the statement until reading further, which I think helps give the fact of being bred an impact.

Also, kudos on the excellent ending! It's very cliffhanger-y and traps the reader into needed to read more. Excellent.

All in all, this was very intruiging and I would love to read more!

-Lauren

Thanks Lauren 2010, and if anyone wants to read the next installment; Chapter 1, part 1, then you can access it at this link: topic53027.html
P.S: It's about his childhood... feedback much appreciated!

I would review if I could, but many others have beaten me to the pessimistic, nit-pickety, perfectionist type reviewing I try to do,s o I can only say how much I like this piece.
It draws the reader, even though throughout it the person is telling you to go away (always works to pull someone in). It leaves a very mysterious air and a definite cliffhanger, but there's one thing I don't understand.
I’m not your average kid, as you may have guessed. I’m not a psychopath, either.
So, not average, not extreme.
A documentation of what they did to me, of those sadistic men and their ‘exercises’ that I had to endure just to survive.
Sounds like a government project.
but then again, I don't exist. Not officially, anyway.
More like a government project, but it doesn't seem to fit with the whole 'not average, no psychopath' deal. Maybe that's just me, but anyways, Nice read, Keep Writing!

(I will surely keep reading as you grind out each chapter)

This is a good prologue. I caught myself checking over my shoulder for a second just to make sure that I was still alone in my room.
It is hard to critique a prologue when you still don't know the rest of the story. Therefore, I will just warn you to make sure that you keep the mood of this throughout the story. It reads as a dark story and creates a menacing ambiance. Don't change from this, otherwise you will me leaving me(the reader) confused.

this really does make you want to read more.

Okay, this may be because I'm a young adult (as opposed to being a teenager) but I thought this prologue was boring. "You may be next!" "I am bred to kill!" "No one knows about me!" "You will die!" Um... hello? And then you use 522 words to tell us those same things OVER AND OVER AGAIN. Yeah. Um. Less talking, more killing?

I am being sarcastic, but I am utterly serious when I say that. I don't get scared of people telling me things. That's ridiculous. Now, if you actually mean what you say, then I'll be frightened. Make me scared. Show me a plausible way that this sort of thing can happen. Make me believe it could be real.

I mean, maybe you did this in the subsequent chapters. I don't know. All I know is that this prologue is really boring and I don't really want to read the next chapters. There is only so much self-glorification and vanity you can take, and this piece pretty much puts me full up for about a week or so.

I liked it, it's different. But I kinda agree with Snoink, show me don't tell me. That's my critque to you, but really good job.