a stupid lie

A stupid lie.
It's destroying every thing that we wanted.
Our love is completely dead.
All those things that we used to share.
This is the end.
I tried to make you jealous,
But I ended up staying alone.
I thought that we will always be there for each other
Now you just shot down the phone.
You told me that I'm a fool.
I'm nothing for anyone especially for you.
You think that I'm bragging
That I have nothing for you to want.
Everything that I told you is a lie
This relationship dies.

To put it frankly, I think this poem is suffering from an over-abundance of punctuation and an under-abundance of context. The full stops at the end of each line spoil the flow and make it halting, although they do add to the tone to some extent. I'd think about using some more enjambment if I were you, though, to reduce the choppiness.

While I appreciate the concept of this poem, I think it's one of those which is best appreciated by the poet. It makes little effort to include the reader, offering no imagery or context, so that it reads largely as a rant in poetic form.

Don't get me wrong - I don't actively dislike it, and it is far from the over-sentimentality of some rant poems I've read. However, at this stage it's more like something that should really be used for catharsis and not shown to others. Next time, try for some stronger imagery and try to involve the reader through showing, rather than just telling them what's going on without half of the details.

Cheers,
~bubbles

Everything that I told you is a lie

This relationship dies.

When you get to this point, the relationship's already dead. Has been for a while. Trust is essential for these sorts of things. ^^

Anyway! *gets off soap box*

What I find missing is the poem is the sense that there was any sort of affection between these two people. It's weird. It seems like the narrator never liked the guy in question, so when you say that the relationship died, I have to wonder if the relationship even existed in the first place. The only line that indicates that there might have been something is:

All those things that we used to share.

And even then, you're not clear with what you used to share, so the relationship seems largely nonexistent.

Sorry... I'm giving you more of a story critique, lol. ^^ Just note that the characters in this poem don't really seem to be working together properly and it's giving the poem a flat sense of importance.

This is really good poem. The mood is very strong, and you can tell what the narrator is feeling.

In my opinion, I think you should contrast this with how the narrator feels before the "stupid lie". Like you should describe how the relationship between this characters started.

The poem really spoke to me though. I felt what the narrator was feeling. Keep writing!!

i think this is very poor. just very, very bad. it's not even a poem. it doesn't flow at all. imagine that i am in a car. and i am going down a road. imagine this road has speed bumps every twenty feet. and imagine that it's a very shoddy road. that's kind of what this poem is like. sorry if you've experienced a break-up or something, but this really isn't a good poem. it doesn't really tell a good story, or have structure, or actually have any elements of poetry in it. i could basically sum it up in one sentence. i won't, because that would be cruel.

please, next time you post here, write a poem. this isn't a place to scream out your sad emotions, contrary to popular belief. if you're going to be expressing those, at least do it artfully. that's all i really wanted to say about this one. i imagine that you have some potential in you for poetry, as most everyone does. utilize it.

-Zalarus