Rate the first sentence above you

7. It could be a really interesting tie in to an action scene, but it could easily end up being cliche or cheesy.

"Midsummer's night was unusually warm—an intense, suffocating heat mirrored by the two lovers wrapped around each other in a dusty room of the manor."

Hmm, quite interesting. I'd definitely read on until the first bits of dialogue and see what happens. I don't quite see how the temperature is mirrored by the lovers, though?


There were four people celebrating New Year's Eve on Carraig Mor. One was drinking whiskey straight from the bottle. Two were making love. The fourth was sharpening a knife prior to cutting his wrists.

I'd definitely pick it up and browse a bit. Maybe for the first couple of pages. Depending on the first few scenes and the blurb on the back cover, I might pick it up.

Akiko died three days later, dark brown hair falling out in clumps and red rashes kissing her skin.

The very first word kind of draws me in. The name is original, at least, to me, and makes me think of faraway adventure stories. The hair falling out in clumps is pretty gross (which is good, in my opinion) and I especially loved the 'red rashes kissing' bit. Rashes kissing skin is such a good line. Loved it.

It happened last summer. When I was on the edge.

3

The second line is good, but I hate the first one. I've read way too many coming-of-age, best-summer-ever, summer-that-changed-my-life-forever stories to have any interest in reading further.


So you, like so many other nefarious and neurotic people, have decided to journey down the long, dark, and highly enjoyable road to world domination.

8.

Ooh. Caught my eye.

Techincally this is three, but...
Sheanna let her beautiful, light blue eyes wander around. There was a light fog over the ground, but only because of the cold weather. It bit at her heels, at her face, and she seemed to feel it attack her very clothes to find the one spot where she was warm, the one spot it could make colder.

7.

I like weather descriptions not sure about everyone else, but they seem interesting to me.


The door, some one was at the door.

8.

Very nice. Caught my attention. I would definitely want to read on to see what was happening. However, the whole "Someones at the door" has been done many times before.

I'm sure, at one point in you live, you once had something.

7.5/10
Its interesting... I would read on to at least the end of the page.
But, it is kind of cliched...

"Darren’s eyes followed the woman intently from behind the newspaper as she walked past him."

7/10 - It's a little clunky; without the 'intently' and the 'him' (which is a little redundant) it would sound a lot better. I'm curious, though; I want to know who that woman is. =D

Death - oh, I know a lot about death. It's life that I need to read up on.

9/10: I really like it. It would make me read at least to the end of the paragraph.

It's a curious thing, this thing called love.

5/10

I'd read the next line to see what curious thing it was, but probably no more than that. Love stories are made of meh.


‘This is the tale of the mysterious and immortal freedom fighter ninja known only by the name whispered on bated breath during games of Chinese Whispers with Auld Lang Syne played by a blind ocarina player underneath the table...'

Okay, I'm of a split mind. If this is supposed to be funny, then it's succeeding. 8/10
If it's not, then I'm afraid it's ridiculous. 4/10.

I've got a sneaking suspicion it's the former, though.

There was nothing, nowhere, no one at all.
A blankness of no color.
Silence that had never known sound.

And then she became aware that she was on a beach.

I do realize that's four sentences. Move on.

7/10....I like the suspense, but it seems a bit generic? Not concrete enough? *shrugs* Iono.

Nendo stood in the midst of the bustling crowd, his eyes trained on the blue sky spread above him.

Bickazer wrote: Nendo stood in the midst of the bustling crowd, his eyes trained on the blue sky spread above him.

5.5/10 I'm around long enough to see who Nendo is and why he's in this bustling crowd as you say but it really doesn't grab me too much. It's a person, in a crowd, looking at the sky, the likes of which can be found many places in the world. I have a feeling though this is the start to a good paragraph (which is good ) Sorry if I'm being a harsh critic feel free to do the same to me whoever comes next.

My mind wouldn’t think, my body couldn’t react.

Yes I know I'm mildly disappointed with it myself. Here's the rest of the paragraph if it helps to critic.

My mind wouldn’t think, my body couldn’t react. I stood stupidly, eyes wide. I’m happy I couldn’t see the accusations, the pain, the realization of truth in my eyes. My mouth was frozen agape but for once I was silent. There was nothing to say. My hand floated to my cheek tracing the imprint of his hand. Who was this monster? It wasn’t…it couldn’t be. Not my dream boy. He had said “I love you.” Wasn’t that supposed to mean something?