Working Title: .... uh, I dont have one

bubblewrapped · 2005-09-13T06:07:19Z

This is a taster of my most recent story. I cant think of a title, so...help! This is the REVISED VERSION of part I chapter I A red haze hung over the Eye of the Goddess like a bloody shroud, a bad omen if ever there was one. A sandstorm was coming. Amara could feel the dust in the air – dry enough to prickle her skin and strip the moisture from her lips. She licked them surreptitiously, and frowned. The third storm in as many weeks. The Goddess was angry. The woman turned abruptly as her door opened, her hand moving to the dagger at her waist. A small girl of about twelve, short-haired and slender, bowed apologetically and looked down at her tiny feet, clearly expecting a rebuke. Amara’s hand relaxed, but barely. Children could be assassins too. “Yes?” “Begging your pardon, Lady,” the girl said softly. “The Mother requests your presence in her study, if you are at liberty. Her Grace bids me tell you that it’s important.” Amara regarded the chit with narrowed eyes. The girl was one of her mother’s Daughters, or one of their children – only they wore that distinctive white habit, belted with gold. It was a rank of privilege, and she clicked her tongue with impatience. Personally, she had found children were better seen and not heard, unless they happened to spill something of importance. While she knew her mother retained some to deliver messages and others for more clandestine work – namely, as spies – she herself refused to employ them. She did, however, keep a wary eye on any that got too close...or felt themselves secure enough to enter her chambers without knocking. The child had clearly been instructed to wait for an answer, so Amara rose from the day-bed and drew herself to her full height, studying the girl’s downcast face while she pretended to gaze absently into the distance. “You may tell the Mother I will join her momentarily.” She said at last, silently committing those youthful features to memory. The girl was pretty, with a determined slant to her chin. She would bear watching. “I must change first, this heat is unbearable.” “Yes, Lady.” The girl bowed again, and made the sign of the Goddess against the flat breast of her robe before turning to go. “A moment.” Freezing instantly, the child turned. She kept her eyes on the floor, but there was something in the set of her shoulders that Amara didn’t like. It was almost disdainful. “What is your name, girl?” She asked, deliberately leaving out her rank. “Daughter Ris Elina, Lady, second-born of the Priestess Elina Mata of the Second Temple.” “Look at me, Daughter Ris.” Amara commanded. She watched as Ris slowly lifted her chin, and leaned forward to stare directly into her eyes. “Next time you will knock before you enter these rooms, or I will not be responsible for what happens. Do you understand me?” The eyes were opaque; for an instant, she did nothing, putting up a wavering resistance to Amara’s own, heavy stare. Then her lashes swept down against the tanned skin of her cheek, gracefully conceding defeat. “Yes Lady.” “There is a storm approaching. See that arrangements are made to secure the palace.” “As you wish, Lady.” The girl made a silent obeisance, and left.

bubblewrapped

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Thu Sep 22, 2005 6:30 am

bubblewrapped says... · Thu Sep 22, 2005 6:30 am

Yuhuh it sucks muchly. Oh and I'm just beginning to KEEP writing fiction...I write fiction in bits and bobs and have a trillion unfinished stories...this is, like, the longest I've kept the same idea going since I was 12 (when 100+ pages was my daily rate). Dont mind my crotchety self though, I mean it all (well, most) in fun O:) :lol:

Got a poem or short story you want me to critique?

There is only one success: to be able to spend your life in your own way, and not to give others absurd maddening claims upon it. (C D Morley)

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Snoink

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Sat Sep 24, 2005 7:10 am

Snoink says... · Sat Sep 24, 2005 7:10 am

Once more, you have some cool stuff. The plot, so far, is interesting (I can't help but to think Tamora Pierce when I read it...) and I would like to know more about this story.

Now, for the nit-picking!

...and the memory of that day clung to it like a bad smell.

Ooo... a brother is in the mix. Cool. But... a better similie, please?

...most would not yet have risen from their afternoon siesta

Okay, perhaps this is more of a personal preference, but the word "siesta" doesn't seem quite familiar English yet, so it sounds awkward for the fantasy place you are at now. I don't know...

“She sent for me.” She told the guards at her mother’s door.

Should be: "She sent for me," she told the guards at her mother's door.

She saw one of them eyeing her speculatively and sashayed past...

Sashayed is one of those strange, archaic words. I wouldn't suggest putting it in the story, as it reads awkwardly.

looking at him under her lashes as she went

Perhaps this is a California thing, but I prefer "eyelashes" to "lashes." When I first read that, I thought you were talking about rope lashings. :oops:

Standing nose to nose, the two were like sisters...

I think I'm a little dense now. Are they like sisters, or are they actually sisters?

“There,” she said. “That’s a lot more friendly now, isn’t it?”

Part two of chapter one ended kind of suddenly... almost so suddenly that it wasn't smooth.

Anyway, I did like it. I hope that was of some use to you!

Ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est.

"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach

Moth and Myth <- My comic!

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bubblewrapped

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Thu May 24, 2007 1:02 pm

bubblewrapped says... · Thu May 24, 2007 1:02 pm

OMG. Sorry Snoink! I only just reread what I wrote and god am I glad I'm no longer...how old was I? Anyway. Sorry! Talk about b****y LMAO O_O

Thanks for your crit. I've just come back to this story (again) so I'm going to start reworking some of it. Good thing I posted here really, as I think I've lost the original file. **sigh**

Got a poem or short story you want me to critique?

There is only one success: to be able to spend your life in your own way, and not to give others absurd maddening claims upon it. (C D Morley)

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Skell

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Mon Jan 07, 2008 11:06 am

Skell says... · Mon Jan 07, 2008 11:06 am

why dont i ever see you write any fiction, not that your poetry is bad, i just think with your talent you could write a Great story.

In the shadows i walk, through the light of life.

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order

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Mon Jan 07, 2008 8:06 pm

order says... · Mon Jan 07, 2008 8:06 pm

This is really good. My only recommendation would be to get rid of some of the to be verbs you have in there so that the poem flows more smoothly.

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R. J. Hoffman

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Mon Jan 07, 2008 11:46 pm

R. J. Hoffman says... · Mon Jan 07, 2008 11:46 pm

good but thier are some points i wasnt happy with. personally i would name the goddes. it adds originality as the concept of a god being called god has already been taken. you should also describe her chambers. this could add more to how religious the character is to everyone else around her. does she have lavish silks? or does she have a modest cotton robe. is her room filled furniture of high craftmanship or of simplicity.

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