Young Writers Society

Edward Cullen
You sit with me at night
Hold me safe inside your arms

Hmm, I question your need to start the poem with his name, it seems a touch of useless information. He can be your subject, sure, but it's not really necessary for you to tell us that. I have found that often my love poems are about a specific person, but I never start with their name, it seems a bit pointless and silly.

I think it's important for you to drag your readers into your fantasy, but allow them their own as well. Write about a man, but let the reader pick the man that they want to think about when they read it. (or woman, doesn't have to be gender specific)

Stroke my hair
And whisper sweet nothings in my ear
You kiss from my temple
Down my neck
Along my arms

It is good to tell us what is happening, but throw a little emotion in there too ^^ I know people will tell you a lot "show! Don't tell!" but emotions are a hard thing to show. Describe how you're feeling when he's kissing you, do your hands shiver? Does your stomach flutter? Do you blush, or are you more bold than that? How do you react to his touch? Just telling us he is touching you is not enough, make us feel what you are feeling, drag us into this with you.

You would go
To Hell
And back
To keep me safe from harm

Here is where you really start to lose the piece, now you have lost all imaginary, and went into a "you tell me this, you tell me that, you would do this for me" type of attitude, and as a reader I am finding it hard to actually care. Give me a reason to feel for this character, tell me what he does, not what he would do. I need something more solid than an empty quote about what he would do. I need to know what he actually did. Details are a good thing ^^

You take me for walks in the sunlit forest
Your cold, white skin sparkles
Like crystal
Like diamond

Imaginary doesn't mean throwing out descriptive words willy nilly, sparkles, diamonds, crystals, they all give us the same picture. After the "sparkles" the rest is simply unnecessary, and a bit redundant.

People are talking at me

I am unbothered by the "at" as opposed to "to", there is a distinct difference between being talked to and being talked at.



Basically the problem with this poem is that it is your fantasy, and you aren't doing anything to bring us in. It's important to write for yourself, but write for your readers too.

(also, the use of the word "topaz" made me gigglesnort, because of how frequently the very description was used in the book xD)



Best of luck!

--OverEasy

the only criticism i have is that it doesn't really seem to have any rhythn/meter. it doesn't matter that it doesn't rhyme. and try breaking it up and adding some punctuation here and there.
but mostly good job!
)

Aw, cute.

Crit now, thoughts later, yes?

There are these two things called Alliteration and Assonance, and they're what give a poem a poetic feel. They're really awesome, and once you get the hang of them, poetry's a synch. Really easy. I didn't know about them until about a year ago, and once I found out about them, everything became a lot easier, and my poems were more... poetic? What you've got here is a nice list of pretty thoughts in poem format, but they're lacking the flow a poem has. Which is an easy thing to fix.

Alliteration: Peter Piper Picked a Peck of Pickled Peppers. P, p, p, p.

Assonance: Do you like blue? Oo, oo, oo.

Alliteration is a grouping of words with the same consonant sounds, assonance is the grouping of words with the same vowel sounds. What it boils down it is a bunch of words with the same sounds to them. How a word sounds can also impact the poem. For example, in the Highway Man by Alfred Noyes, he offers this line in the beginning:

Over the cobbles he clattered and clashed in the dark inn-yard,

And this line at the end:

Over the cobbles he clatters and clangs in the dark inn-yard;

See the difference? See how one word is softer than the other? The first gives off a different feeling than the second, especially when you read it in context. In context, the latter line seems a bit more careless, lazier. What does he have to worry about, after all? What reason does he have for stealth and silence?

(By the way, completely unintentional, but 'stealth and silence' is an example of alliteration.)

Also in those lines, note the repeated sounds. Again, they're what give the poem its poetic feel.


You've got a pretty cute poem here. The first step in making it more poem-like, however, is to give it some alliteration and assonance. Trust me, even you'll be able to see the difference right off the bat. It's pretty surprising what a difference it makes.

Also! There are some tutorials in the Knowledge Base that you can use. Flip through them a bit and you'll find some really great stuff, tips and ideas you might not have thought of before. The idea's here, the format's here, it's just itching for something more to make it whole, and then it'll be complete. If it's still itching after you tweak the words, the Knowledge Base can probably help you out. Really cute idea, though.

Here are a few links I tossed together you might like to look through:

Alliteration Wiki
Assonance Wiki
The Highway Man
Knowledge Base

This poem seems like more of a short moment description, not a poem so much.

Odd to come from me but I still diddnt get much connectivity beyond the progression of the lines.

Good language use and an impressive ability for intimacy description, but this poem would need alot of work to be something stunning.

I am not a fan of Twilight, for many reasons more logical than the typical 'cuz its ghey!' dung you get from most people.

As far as I'm concerned you wrote this as a tribute to Romeo.

Exe's and Oh's, Eraqio.

Dear Pgs,

Welcome to YWS and see below for my critique.

I read the book Twilight, and I thought it was just fine. I really don't like the movie (They ruined it) and most fan works of it. But anyways, on the poem: You need punctuation, there is none what-so-ever.

Edward Cullen;

You sit with me at night,

Hold me safe inside your arms-

Stroke my hair,

And whisper sweet nothings in my ear.

Kinda like that, for example.

You kiss from my temple,

Down my neck,

And Along my arms;

To my hands.

Notice: I added 'And' on the third line. I think by those two examples you get the idea for the punctuation. When it comes to the actual idea and theme of the poem, I do say that you are better than most people are when it comes to Twilight fan fiction/poetry, though I don't think that it fits well. As a twilight fan poetry, I don't like it as well as I could, but! I do enjoy how you worded it and made it sound. I hope that helped you some at least, sorry for the shortness of this. ><

I do look forward to reading more of your poems and stories, though I do think that you might just have a knack for poetry.

~Princess Ashe

So I am a big twilight fan myself, and I like the poem over all. Especially the descriptions of him watching over you as you sleep, and the walks in the forest, but I do have to say it needs more punctuation. If you think about it literally, its a chance for the reader (maybe reading out loud) to catch their breath during the poem. So maybe just add a few commas or something in there so people aren't out of breath when they're finished reading lol

Anyway, its good stuff. I'm always a fan of a twiligh poem. I'm more a Jacob fan :p he he he

Dreamer wrote:Aw, cute.

Crit now, thoughts later, yes?

There are these two things called Alliteration and Assonance, and they're what give a poem a poetic feel. They're really awesome, and once you get the hang of them, poetry's a synch. Really easy. I didn't know about them until about a year ago, and once I found out about them, everything became a lot easier, and my poems were more... poetic? What you've got here is a nice list of pretty thoughts in poem format, but they're lacking the flow a poem has. Which is an easy thing to fix.

Alliteration: Peter Piper Picked a Peck of Pickled Peppers. P, p, p, p.

Assonance: Do you like blue? Oo, oo, oo.

Alliteration is a grouping of words with the same consonant sounds, assonance is the grouping of words with the same vowel sounds.

OK.
Now, the first thing is, I know what alliteration and assonance are-I am thirteen years old, not three. The tone of this is slightly offensive, you sound as though you are talking to a five year old, particularly the lines:

"There are these two things called Alliteration and Assonance, and they're what give a poem a poetic feel. They're really awesome"

I did not use them as I did not feel they were appropriate for this poem: anyone can write an alliterative poem-my seven year old cousin could.

I need to know your thoughts on the poem itself, not my style of poetry.

What did you like? What did you not like?

Please keep critique-ing my work! It is all much appreciated!

Although you've already heard this once from a mod, a.k.a. Cade, I can only agree with her in telling you to just be patient and kind to the reviewers. They take the time out to review your work, give you their opinions and advice; if you don't like something they say, just try to move on and not dwell on it. They're really, honestly trying to help you; they don't mean to offend you. Trust me. Dreamer definitely meant no harm.

Well, on to my first review in ages!

Although I'm not a huge fan of Twilight, I'm not a 'hater' either, so my opinion of this piece won't be in any way biased, just to let you know. I actually think Twilight is a decent book. Definitely not a bad book.

Now, my first opinion of this poem: hm... it's quite an overdone topic, rough around the edges type of thing, but it's got potential.

That was my first impression.

Then, I read it a second time, to get a better feel for it. This time, I started noticing things and picking up on a few things here and there, such as punctuation, little things like that.

I. Punctuation:

Now, I understand that you don't feel the need for the use of punctuation in this piece, but I must at least give you my opinion on it; that being that I think it will actually help the piece to flow better. Just sayin'.

Maybe just a little bit? xD

II. Unnecessary Bits:

In any piece, you will find that there are certain things that are unnecessary. In yours, there are only a few.

"Edward Cullen"

Your first line, for example.

There's one definite way to tell whether something is unnecessary or not: if the reader can figure out what the subject of the poem is without that 'vital' bit of information, it's unnecessary. And I guarantee you that anyone who reads this would know who you're talking about, even if you hadn't used his name for the first line, or even any line at all.

III. Rhyme Scheme:

Rhyming is overrated. End of story. I love free verse.

I mean, I think it would've been nice if you had added just a few rhymes here and there, but completely free verse is just fine.

IV. Overall:

Inclusively, I found this poem to be, as I said, rough around the edges, but it definitely has potential.

I admire you for putting it out there and really asking for reviews on it, considering there are so many anti-Twilighters these days!

I think that, again, as I said, it's a bit of an overdone topic, but, with a little work, it could be unique.


And one last thing: I understand that you say your friends love it. But, they probably aren't writers. And just because they 'love it', doesn't mean it's everyone's cup of tea. And you're on a site for writer's, where you're posting work you've written to be reviewed, and on most writer's sites, reviewing is more like tearing a work apart so that the writer can put it back together again, even better than it was the first time. It's just constructive criticism, dear. Don't take it too hard.

I won't say 'Keep writing!'. I'll say 'Get to editing!'

<3Monki

Thanks for your comment. I now always use punctuation in my poems, if you don't believe me have a look at my "Friends and Enemies" poem! (find it here: topic49344.html)
I have lots of other poems too, but I won't bore you all with them all!!
I've focused my attentions on poetry for now, so all stories are on hold!
I hope to receive plenty more wonderful reviews, I read then all and try and improve all the time.
And I totally agree: free verse is cool sometimes, but sometimes things just cry out for rhymes, n'est-ce pas?

Keep reviewing!

Please keep the fantastic reviews coming: I read them all, and they are really helping me with my work!

Thanks!

Love, you keep bumping this thread when you were asked by a moderator not too. And though you are asking for more and more reviews your tone to the more detailed ones is a little bit rude.

I suggest you post a new poem and improve from that.

Thank you,

Kamas

I'm very sure this poem contains a lot of true passion and feeling for your fictional fantasy but I just cannot bear to read another Twilight fanfic or any type of literary piece with anything to do with Edward Cullen or Twilight...

Ok, so the poem's feeling is cute very romantic. It really transmits love and tenderness.
But there are poetic items missing.

And whisper sweet nothings in my ear

sweet nothings? YOu should rephrase this because as you said,. Others, becau it tells nothing

You would go

To Hell

And back

To keep me safe from harm

here your line break was not ok, when I was beggining to get engaged in the line, puff it breaks and it loses the flow.

You charm me

Perfectly, wonderfully

Wonderfuly stops the flow of the poem, the word is too long for the verses you're using.

And then the bell rings

And I shut the book

Put it in my bag

May I ask something? As long as I knew or thought you were with Edward at night, or am I wrong? because waht does this have to do with the rest?


I noticed this and i think you should use longer verses. Now for the flow, you should do something about it because it's not flowing correctly. Some of it, due to the verse length. Others, because of the lack of punctuation.
As many of the tohers have said, this is cute, it has potential but you really go to work hard on it, to make it better. There are some adjectives and description that could be sueful so the reader can relaly get into the poem. Also, you should add a little more feeling. And by this I'm not saying taht you should rewrite it, but edit it. Stories are not the only ones that need editing.

Now on to something else, I read Dreamer's review and that was just detailed and trust me, even kind, there was nothing mean to it. I would have loved to get a review like that, you should check the reviews I've gotten. I once got a review that told me the use of comma's and believe me the reviewer is not being rude, just explaining to me the proper use of that.
Style is also important, just so you know, we all have different styles and if someone is cricizing your style then it's because it can be better.
I once had this story that my friend said was cool and bloddy enough, I posted it here, and guess what? no ne thought the same. Because we're in a writer's site, sweetie, and they gave me detailed critiques. Reviewers don't mean any harm, but they see in our work what we don't se. They are being objective.
So what I'm saying is don't take them personally, do pay attention to them, take the best from them, even when you think they're rude.

XOXO
Pudin

This... was... AWESOME!!!! It deserved caps!!! I thought it was really really cool!!! I loved it!!! You captured Edwards essence very well. Bravo bravo. But yes it was really cool. If you write anymore poetry let me know!!!!

P.S: It's ice knowing I'm not the only Twilighter here.

This rocks
wookielover17