Young Writers Society

I have been asked several times if I actually wrote this, and the answer is yes, I did.

Edward Cullen
You sit with me at night
Hold me safe inside your arms
Stroke my hair
And whisper sweet nothings in my ear
You kiss from my temple
Down my neck
Along my arms
To my hands
You would go
To Hell
And back
To keep me safe from harm
You tell me that
I make your world go round
You take me for walks in the sunlit forest
Your cold, white skin sparkles
Like crystal
Like diamond
I gaze into your eyes
Your wonderful, topaz eyes
And see the man for me
You charm me
Perfectly, wonderfully
And then the bell rings
And I shut the book
Put it in my bag
But I hold you safe in my head
People are talking at me
Asking me questions
But I am not listening
Because I am in my special place
With Edward
And he is telling me
That he loves me

Pgsgirl7 wrote:I have been asked several times if I actually wrote this, and the answer is yes, I did.

Edward Cullen
You sit with me at night,
Hold me safe inside your arms,
And Stroke my hair,
Whispering sweet nothing in my ear,
You kiss from my temple,
And Down my neck,
Along my arms,
To my hands,
You would go,
To Hell This part doesn't work very well, it seems broken off from the rest
And back You don't need this, you could change it to something different. Like 'To Hell you'll go
but back to my heaven'
To keep me safe from harm,
You tell me that,
I make the world go round,
You take me for walks in the sunlit forest,
Your cold, white skin sparkles,
Like a crystal,
Like a diamond,
I gaze into your eyes,
Your wonderful topaz eyes This sentence seems a bit repetitive, maybe get rid of this sentence and keep 'I gaze into your eyes,' but change it to 'I gaze into your wonderful topaz eyes,'
I see the man for me,
You charm me,
Perfectly, wonderfully,
And then the bell rings,
I shut the book,
Place it in my bag,
But I hold you safe in my head,
People are talking at me,
Asking me questions,
But I am not listening,
Because I am in my special place,
With Edward,
And he is telling me,
That he loves me.

I am sorry but there is simpley no rhythm and it doesn't seem to rhyme. You need to have Comma's as well at the end of each sentence too. I'm sorry, but this poem is good but doesn't work well for me. I added the commas for you.

Um.. I cannot stand another Edward fan poem.
And as a poem, it wasn't that good either. Scrap it or make a total over haul.

It's not meant to rhyme!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And it makes no sense with all the commas.

And all the people I know who read it said they loved it. If you read it out loud it's better.

And no, I'm not going to re-write it.

OK, well, first of all, I think you should be a little kinder towards reviews and critiques because they can really help you. Harsh ones help you a lot.

Now, the poem's nice. It was ok for me.
It didn't rhyme but then again not all poems are meant to rhyme.

I have to admit it was a bit confusing though at the middle part but the rest was okay.

Like crystal
Like diamond

I think this part should have commas though.

Well, that's it.

Thanks, sorry I don't mean to be harsh, it's just all my friends thought it was good.
And thanks for understanding it's not meant to rhyme.

Now, I am not a fan of Edward Cullen but lets leave that out of the picture. Speaking of the poem itself, it should have been re-done so that it was more symmetrical. There seemed to be no real scheme at all which is good...if you are E.E Cummings or somebody of that sorts...which I doubt you are (no offense). There needs to be a scheme with more punctuation, I learned this the hard way. Being more of an abstract poet that prefers to jump outside of the box and make no sense whatsoever I remember that HEY nobody is going to LIKE any of this because after reading it they are just going to question themselves and everything around them! Therefore start off with concrete themes and organization along with grammar too! Now until you start getting seriously published I would never forget the key things in English; punctuation, spelling, grammar of all sorts, and schemes are also very important.

Revise this to make it more symmetrical and it would be a much better poem!!

First of all, I'd like to say that I like this poem. It's got a good feel to it, and I like the beat when I read it aloud.

One thing I think would help, like other people have said, is punctuation. I understand that not every line needs to have something after it, but some commas and periods would break things up nicely.

There are about two lines in the whole thing that seem like they're a bit too long and would be very nice broken up or shortened. They don't really match the rest of the poem around them, and are a bit awkward to read.

Pgsgirl7 wrote:You take me for walks in the sunlit forest

and

Pgsgirl7 wrote:But I hold you safe in my head

Overall, though, I liked it. You did a good job of conveying what you were trying to say.

Keep writing!

Thanks! =]
I take it you like Twilight????
And I know what you mean about those lines they are very long.and I get what everyone is saying about the punctuation.

You've met?

Should introduce me one day lol

No, don't.

The poem was pretty good... it got your message across and I have no real picks or anything.

But I hated the message. Its really depressing actually, and maybe somewhat frightening for the connotations...

Sorry.

One of those people I see...

Well, first of all I hate Twilight and such but I'm not going to let that interfere with this crit. Even though those books were absolutely horrible *cough*

First of all, I get the no rhyme and I've read a lot of great poems that didn't rhyme. Unfortunately, this wasn't even close to one of them.

It was quite depressing and maybe the reason your friends like it is because they're one of those people as well.

Consider revising and punctuation would make it seem tons better. No grammical errors and such but I did see some words that sound better plural.

Edward Cullen,

You sit with me at night.

Hold me safe inside your arms,

And stroke my hair.

You whisper sweet nothings in my ear.

You kiss from my temple,

Down my neck,

Along my arms,

And to my hands.

You would go to Hell and back,

Just to keep me safe from harm.

You tell me that I make your world go round.

You take me for walks in the sunlit forest.

Your cold, white skin sparkles

Like crystals,

Like diamonds.

I gaze into your eyes,

Your wonderful, topaz eyes,

And see the man for me.

You charm me.

Perfectly, wonderfully

And then the bell rings.

And I shut the book.

Put it in my bag,

But I hold you safe in my head.

People are talking [s]at[/s] to me.

Asking me questions.

But I am not listening,

Because I am in my special place.

With Edward.

And he is telling me,

That he loves me.

Hope I helped.

Keep writing!

Audy

Why do people always end with "Keep writing?" LOL!

Thanks for all your comments guys.

And it's meant to be "at me" because when someone talks TO you they "connect" with you and engage with you. When someone talks AT you they just say stuff and don't engage you. So like Headteachers, Heads Of Year, some teachers, etc.

And the poem looks better in Word: it's centre aligned, which makes a B I G difference and looks better. Which is why there's no punctuation, because centre aligned it looks better without.

OK?

Keep the reviews coming!

Please, I need some more replies to this!

The same things happen to me when I open up my book. Like I'm Bella. I wish I was Bella. *Sighs*. Anyway, I liked the poem. You explained everything so vividly. And I saw a few generalizations in there, thats good, Dear. Most people forget about that part. Ha ha. But I do suggest to add punctuation at the end of every sentence. Well, I said what I needed to say. Good job, Dear.

Pgsgirl7 wrote:Please, I need some more replies to this!

Please refrain from bumping your posts. And remember, be nice to reviewers! They're trying to help.
Reviewers, please remember to judge it as a poem and keep the Twilight opinions out of it.

If you're looking for more reviews, get out there and write some yourself! It always works.