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hahahaha

I greatly enjoyed this Castles. It reminds me a lot of a story I wrote many years ago on the same subject.

I don't have any real criticisms as it exists currently; I think you did a pretty good job. However, if you want to keep improving it, you should consider developing the voice more. Some authors will do this simply by making all the sentences short, and I think you should that here. Get rid of the conjunctions and commas, and just make every sentence as short as you can. That way, the reader will get more of a feel for the whirlwind that exists in the speaker's head.

Overall, humorous and I think the experiment came out well. A good piece of flash fiction this is.

This is very experimental. I would never have posted it were it not for someone. *coughs* But I lubb her too much to decline.

I accept all credit

I am Helen. I am Helen.

really good start, it's almost like she's questioning herself which is very rational considering[/quote]

My name is Helen. Although yesterday it was Hannah, and tomorrow it will be Ruth, for now my name is Helen. Each day I choose a new name, it’s part of my condition. But it’s not really a condition, I consider it vacation.


Where I live the walls are white. Just white.

I really like the short sentences that follow your description. They work really well.

I don’t know why. When I asked them why they’re white, they tell me they’re not white. They tell me they’re beige. Call it what you will, they’re white. But beige is soothing, they tell me. I tell them so is Mozart, but I don’t want to listen to it 24/7.

The simplistic language works really well [/quote]

The rooms are always four walls. Always four walls. Every room is four walls, even if they’re not beige. I sometimes wonder why there aren’t three walled rooms. I think triangle rooms would be unique, but a bit dull as time goes on. And I’d color them anything other than beige.

hahahahah really interesting thought

But my name is Helen, like I said. I am Helen. Every day my friends have to ask me what my name is. Every morning is something new.

Do you mean it is something new?

And if they aren’t around for breakfast, they have to ask me at lunch. This happens a lot here, we wonder away in the day, and we get in trouble for it. I tell them we wouldn’t wonder if we weren’t spaced out all day.


It’s the drugs, by the way, that space us out. Well, actually I’ve never spaced out, I’ve never taken the drugs. Never have. Never do. Because I’m on vacation, remember?


I wear white a lot. Scratch that, I wear beige a lot. But it’s still white. White shirts. They tear easily though. They are made so they tear, the same thing with the sheets. They make them that way, in case we try to hang ourselves. We try to hang ourselves a lot. Well, they try to hang themselves a lot, Helen doesn’t hang herself. And since the sheets and shirts tear, sometimes they have to improvise. But Helen’s never tried to hang herself.


And you know what the weird thing is? I’m not crazy. Nope, not a bit. I’m right as rain up in the old noodle-noggin.

hehehe that part was hilarious

I put myself in here. I’m a volunteer. It’s my vacation.


They insist I’m not crazy. I insist I am. But I know I’m not crazy, I just insist I am. But I like it here. I like the beige. I like the tears. I like the four-corner rooms. But most of all, I like being Sara. I like being Frieda. I like being Jessica and Hannah and Ruth.


And I like the name Helen. I like Helen. Because Helen doesn’t try to hang herself. And they call me Helen. They all call me Helen. I am Helen...

really, really creepy ending, but yet interesting.


_________________


This is really good Sarah Creepy and different. I really enjoyed it. Helen was definitely disturbed, but not in the same way as the rest of them. You have good character development in this because Helen questions herself. This piece is definitely interesting. The simple narrative is very effective.

Great Sarah
-Kirsten xxx

Hey there dear, Stella here!

You know, this reminds me of Just In Case by Meg Rossoff, just one sentence of it. You should read that book... very dark, but funny and... oh, just brilliant.

I. NITPICKS

Each day I choose a new name, it’s part of my condition.

Condition here sounds awkward, like the beginning of a bad novel. The more we read the better it is, but here it doesn't work.

They tell me they’re beige.

Aren't beige and white very different? That's what confused me.

I tell them so is Mozart, but I don’t want to listen to it 24/7.

Did you know cows make more milk when they're listening to Mozart?

(sorry, just had to say that. Bit of a PJ, but still funny. Ignore me, I'm talking to myself.)

And I like the name Helen. I like Helen. Because Helen doesn’t try to hang herself. And they call me Helen. They all call me Helen. I am Helen...

I thought she never tried to hang herself... that bit confused me to.

II. AMBIGUITY IS GOOD IN SMALL DOSES

Well, it is. No story is complete without ambiguity, a little mystery. Here, I just got the feeling that I know very little from the beginning to the end. Is she really crazy or not? It's very hard to decide. Sure, leave it ambiguous, but not too ambiguous.

(Yes, I like that word.)

III. VOICE

You've got a brilliant voice here, and I'd love if you developed it a little more. Recycle it even for another piece. It seems too good to waste.

IV. OVERALL

Fairplay for the experiment, it worked, I was hooked.

Hope I helped, and PM me if you have any questions!

-Stella.

Whoa. I loved this! I usually despise repetition, but the way you used it was superb. Most of the nitpicks have all ready been pointed out, so there's nothing much for me to say. The "beige" thing throughout was great, as well as the Mozart joke. But since this must be constructive, I guess I'll just point this out.

I sometimes wonder why there aren’t three walled rooms.

Three-walled should be hyphenated.

Keep it up!


joseph.dean-

Wow. Thanks so much for all the replies and critiques, people. I never thought more than one person would actually review this, lol.

Nate - Yay, a Nate review! You're right about shortening the sentences and everything. I barely ever write simplistically, people who've previously read my work will know I describe every detail painstakingly. A bit of an annoying habit. So simplifying and cutting this down was extremely difficult for me. Now I'll work on simplifying the sentence structure. Thanks Nate.

Kirsten - Hmm, I wonder who [s]urged[/s] forced me to put this up, eh? Anyway, thanks for the line by line critique, Kirsten dahling. I love your reviews so much, I read them all the time because they make me feel that happy. I'm glad you enjoyed it and I might post some more in the near future, if I feel confident enough. I probably won't work on it that much though, as I'm working on Tipping The Velvet.

Stella - Thanks so much for reading, dahling. I'm glad you enjoyed it. But wow. You've read Just In Case by Meg Rossof? *falls over* Snap! I thought I was the only person in the world who had read that book. It's like one of my favourite novels, apart from the huge pile of classics I adopt. ^_^ I'm glad you mentioned it, anyway, and I'm flattered to be compared to it. Your points were all very apt, as usual, and will help a lot with the editing process. Thanks Stell.

josephdean - It was lovely of you to read it, dear. I'm so glad you liked reading it. Yes, repetition can irk some people, but I think if used appropriately, it will work. Thanks for the review.

Thankyou everyone!

-Sarah

Hello
I did find it disturbing to a certain extent.
I've read a few of these kind of stories.
I liked the thoughts Helen had,
It did creep me out. Something's not right with her. (Duh.)
But I wish you'd put more descriptions about the world she's living in,
I really wanna know what kind of twisted place is that.
But its enigmatic quality caught my attention.
I loved it!

Kirsten - Hmm, I wonder who urged forced me to put this up, eh?

*Looks around nervously*
*raises hand*
Yes, it was I, but look how much people like it Sarah You have to admit, posting it was a good idea, dear
xxx

Hello again! I just thought I'd check this out while I'm camping in Other Fiction.

A good piece of flash fiction this is.

Listen to Nate, he's a very smart man. I really really enjoyed this, and I must say from reading a number of your work, I think that you'd be successful. You take risks and you can tell that you're not scared to take them. And then if you see something that can be improved, you improve it and it always comes out great. I will give you a star for this piece I will, but before I do I am going to give you some more compliments.

I like the MC's voice and I like this the way it is, but does it have room for improvement, yes because everything has room for improvement. This has a lot of potential and I can see this being a great little story.

Favorite part:

And I like the name Helen. I like Helen. Because Helen doesn’t try to hang herself. And they call me Helen. They all call me Helen. I am Helen...

I love Helen as well and I'm glad you wrote this.

Keep writing,

~Angel

That was... soothing in an insane way.

I am Helen. I am Helen. My name is Helen. Although yesterday it was Hannah, and tomorrow it will be Ruth, for now my name is Helen. Each day I choose a new name, it’s part of my condition. But it’s not really a condition, I consider it vacation.

I don't think you should've repeated the I am Helen part in the second sentence. It sounded a bit peculiar to my ears but maybe that's just me.

I tell them so is Mozart, but I don’t want to listen to it 24/7.

Haha. I loved that line.

I’m right as rain up in the old noodle-noggin

And I didn't quite understand the meaning behind that sentence. But other than that, it was a bit refreshing to read.

Hi, Sarah. I decided I wanted to read some of your work, since I feel so guilty about not doing it for a while And the title caught my eye.

I am Helen. I am Helen. My name is Helen. The repetition of the idea fits the story well, but the repetition of "I am Helen" isn't that good. Maybe change the other one to "Call me Helen" (like in Moby Dick! ) or something similar, or then just ditch it. Although yesterday it was Hannah, and tomorrow it will be Ruth, for now my name is Helen. I'd change this to "Yesterday it was Hannah, and tomorrow it will be Ruth, but for now my name is Helen." Each day I choose a new name, it’s part of my condition. The word "condition" doesn't really work for me, either. But it’s not really a condition, I consider it vacation.

All in all, this was a good opening paragraph. It made me want to read more, because even stupid one could see that there's something to this story that just screams "Read me! Read me! Adore me!".

And I’d color them anything other than beige.

I liked the rant about the walls, but somehow this turns it off. Maybe it's the phrasing, I don't know, but either change the wording to make it smoother or then just completely ditch it – the piece won't really suffer from it.

we wonder away in the day

Wonder or wander? That confused me a little.

Never have. Never do.

Maybe "Never have. Never will." would be better?


Overall, this was a disturbingly refreshing and light to read. Not to mention I'm really jealous to you, since you got a review from Nate.
I think this would work alone, with no more chapters, but I'm still going to go read the number two.

See you around!


Demeter
xxx

Hi,
Interesting piece. I defiantly want to read more of this. There are a few places I had concerns... will actually nitpicks...

Each day I choose a new name, it’s part of my condition. But it’s not really a condition, I consider it vacation.

The word condition seems kind of awkward here. If you added more detail about her condition I don't think it would be as awkward.

When I asked them why they’re white, they tell me they’re not white. They tell me they’re beige. Call it what you will, they’re white. But beige is soothing, they tell me. I tell them so is Mozart, but I don’t want to listen to it 24/7.

Beige and white are tow completely different colours. Beige is like brown -- I only learned that last year when we were painting my house. I would use Ivory or Cream; because they are white but they're not. I also loved the part about Mozart here.

But my name is Helen, like I said. I am Helen. Every day my friends have to ask me what my name is. Every morning it is something new. And if they aren’t around for breakfast, they have to ask me at lunch.

I don't think the part about lunch needed to be there. If it's just a fill in then leave it, but it's not needed.

I wear white a lot. Scratch that, I wear beige a lot. But it’s still white. White shirts. They tear easily though. They are made so they tear, the same thing with the sheets. They make them that way, in case we try to hang ourselves. We try to hang ourselves a lot. Well, they try to hang themselves a lot, Helen doesn’t hang herself. And since the sheets and shirts tear, sometimes they have to improvise. But Helen’s never tried to hang herself.

I really like this whole paragraph. I like the scratch that It very good voice.

And you know what the weird thing is? I’m not crazy. Nope, not a bit. I’m right as rain up in the old noodle-noggin. I put myself in here. I’m a volunteer. It’s my vacation.

Between these two paragraphs I was sort of confused. The one on top she's in denial, but the one on bottom she's the one who's saying she's crazy. That confused me a bit. Just loot at it again and maybe re-word a few things.

They insist I’m not crazy. I insist I am. But I know I’m not crazy, I just insist I am. But I like it here. I like the beige. I like the tears. I like the four-corner rooms. But most of all, I like being Sara. I like being Frieda. I like being Jessica and Hannah and Ruth.

And I like the name Helen. I like Helen. Because Helen doesn’t try to hang herself. And they call me Helen. They all call me Helen. I am Helen...

I really like the end of this and I'm going to read the second part as soon as I get chance. This whole story was creepy, but intriguing. If this were ever published I would defiantly buy it. You said that this is just an experimental piece, well I think you should continue writing with it.

I loved it

If you need me PM me!

Love,
N

*LOCKED*

Plagiarism.