Faith

This poem is about keeping faith through rough times. Please do not use this poem and your reviews of this poem to bash on Christianity, as this is neither the time nor the place for that sort of talk. Thank you.
THIRD draft; here goes!
You told me it was fine
You said I’d be all right
And with you there at my side
I couldn't see the night

But then evil came
And took away the light
And the cold hand of fear
Gripped me far too tight

But now I think you’ve gone
And I’ve no one else to follow
So as I step into the dark
My heart feels dead and hollow

Should I give up my faithful self?
Go past the point of no return?
Should I walk through the fire
And hope that I won’t burn?

What awaits me in the flame
That tempts my senses so?
What makes me want to jump on in
When I’m feeling low?

Will inner torment await me there?
Or will it be pure, sweet bliss?
Will I find my happiness there,
Will I find nothing amiss?

Is there any way I can be joyful
If I’m living the life of sin?
If I live in complete darkness
How can any light be let in?

If I give up my inner faith
Will I be content in my sorrow?
And if I keep my faith
Will there be more pain tomorrow?

In all my confusion
And all my deepest loss
How can I pay homage
To the Lord upon the cross?

Hi Katie. I'm kissthewitch, here to review your poem (don't worry, I'm not the bashing type ).
First of all, a couple things jumped out at me:
Quote: How could I follow the night?
You didn't seem to use too much imagery or metaphor in this poem, and this one is annoying. Night as a metaphor for evil, the devil, etc, is very very overused, so I'd try and think of something not as cliche.
Quote: But as I step into the dark
I'm not sure 'But' is the word you want here. Maybe 'And'. 'But' seems like you are contradicting your last line, which you are not.
Quote: Should I take the final step?/The point of no return?
Confusing. What is the final step/ponr? I understand it is about deciding whether to give up your faith, but it's hard to believe that that would be the point of no return. Some specificity is needed here.
Alright, that's it. I did like the way you worded things here, but I think you could do so much better if you told us a story. Like, you could start out with how you found God in the first place, and what made you believe in Christianity. And then you could start the next part with, 'But NOW...' or something. This whole poem is very vague, and it's hard to feel your emotion.
PM me if you need any help!

KookieKatie wrote:You told me it was fine
You said I’d be alright
And with you there at my side
How could I follow the night? Why not fight instead of night?

But now it seems you’ve gone
And I’ve nowhere else to follow
But as I step into the dark
My heart feels cold and hollow

Should I take the final step?
The point of no return?
Should I walk through the fire
And hope that I won’t burn? Woooooo....nicely done, creative.

What awaits me in the shadows Didn't you say that you were already in the dark(in previous stanza)? There's no shadows in the dark
That tempts my senses so?
What makes me want to leap right in
When I’m feeling low? Why do you want to go in the dark when you're feeling low?

Will inner torment await me there? Inner? From where inner? You or from the "darkside"?
Or will it be pure, sweet bliss? Bliss???
Will I find rainbows and candy there,
Will I find true love’s kiss? You skipped from some dark, gothic feeling to rainbows, candy, colors-> love(that's associated with warm colors). Is that a proper way to transcend from one stanza or thought to another?

Is there any way I can be happy
If I’m living the life of sin
If I live in darkness
How can any light be let in? (Don't read this) Open the windows.

If I give up all faith Why would you give up hope or faith? Hope's dying the last.
Will I be content in my sorrow?
And if I keep my faith
Will I find more pain tomorrow? I adore this stanza...

In all my confusion,
[s]And[/s] in all my deepest loss
How can I pay homage
To the Lord upon the cross?

1. Shadows, dark....cliche...
2. I love the end because it makes reader think. I was really thinking about your last stanza... I'll give you star because I know that when you edit your poem it'll be apsolute blast

Oh my gosh, thank you guys so much. Loving the reviews, here. You guys really obviously took your time with your review, and I'm freaking ETERNALLY GRATEFUL for this. I'll edit it right now - thanks so much!! You're great!!

-KK

Okay! It's waaaaaay too late here, so this critique will probably make no sense, but when I read your poem, it reminded me of this other poem that I absolutely adore called, "Turn Out the Lights." It's by someone on YWS too! You can read the poem here:

topic4726.html

It's slightly different from your poem in that turning out the lights is a good thing since God, in that poem, is manifested by the stars and lights are symbolized as the business of our world. Yours is the opposite. God is light and darkness is sin. So it's a little different. Still, the reason why I adore that poem is because it is metaphorical and it says a lot without saying a lot, if that makes sense. It's pretty in that way.

Yours is a little less metaphorical. It tells a little bit too much. This isn't bad... you two have different styles, and that's totally okay. I just wanted you to read something awesome that reminded me of a poem on YWS. And come on, we love reading poetry! XD

Um... yeah. Did I mention it was wayyyyy too late here? XD

Now, to your poem! It's pretty cool, as far as dealing with the whole "losing faith" scenario. From what it seems like to me, you're talking about losing faith in a world of sin where sin seems to be the easy way out. And the narrator feels trapped between doing what is good and right and doing what is wrong and easy. Anyway! It seems to have good metering and such anyway. I think you can stand to take away some of the lines in this poem while making it sound stronger in the end.



You told me it was fine

You said I’d be alright

And with you there at my side

Why would I follow the night?



But then the evil came

And took away the light

And the cold, hard hand of fear

Gripped me way too tight



But now it seems you’ve gone

And I’ve nowhere else to follow

So as I step into the dark

My heart feels cold and hollow


[s]
Should I give up my other side?

The point of no return?

Should I walk through the fire

And hope that I won’t burn?



What awaits me in the shadows

That tempts my senses so?

What makes me want to leap right in

When I’m feeling low?



Can my evil self help me?

Can it show me the way?

When I follow this unlit path

Will I be blinded from sunlight's rays?



Will inner torment await me there?

Or will it be pure, sweet bliss?

Will I find rainbows and candy there,

Will I find true love’s kiss?
[/s]


Is there any way I can be joyful

If I’m living the life of sin?

If I live in darkness

How can any light be let in?



If I give up all faith

Will I be content in my sorrow?

And if I keep my faith

Will I find more pain tomorrow?



In all my confusion

And in all my deepest loss

How can I pay homage

To the Lord upon the cross?


I got rid of those lines because it seems like it's going on and on about uncertainties, and I think it's not needed. I tend to like short things that are to the point, and that seems to make it shorter and pithier, so I like it. Of course, you have the final say. ;D

Anyway, this critique makes no sense, so I apologize for that, but I wanted to comment a little, just because everybody likes comments and everybody likes to know that somebody's read their stuff. If you have any questions, and I'm sure you do, just bug me! I'll be more awake when it's not 2:30 in the morning, really.

What second draft???

Okay! I am back! I didn't really do a good job last time (sorry about that!) so I'm just going to critique through the poem being a lot more nit-picky than I was last time and hopefully explaining things a lot better.

*

You told me it was fine

You said I’d be alright <-- Should be "all right."

And with you there at my side

Why would I follow the night? <-- This is a little awkward because it says that she's following the night, which indicates that she is morning. Mind you, that's a really pretty image, but you're saying that she wouldn't be the morning, and not only does that seem contradictory, but it's not supported any other place. So either you have to emphasize this, or you have to change the word choice. In this case, you might want to make it so that the word choice is different. "I wouldn't be be trapped in the night." Maybe? Play with it!


But then the evil came <-- I would get rid of "the."

And took away the light

And the cold, hard hand of fear <-- I would limit this to only one adjective. I suggest "cold."

Gripped me way too tight <-- I would change "way" to "far" just to make it less colloquial.



But now it seems you’ve gone <-- This seems weak. This is weak. You noticed how the second one bites you more than the first? That's because the word "seems" softens up the line more. And I don't think you want this since you want to shove the desperation and loneliness in the reader's face. I would probably write, "Now you're gone."

And I’ve nowhere else to follow <-- Either write "nowhere else to go" or "no one else to follow." This doesn't make sense now.

So as I step into the dark

My heart feels cold and hollow <-- You already used the word "cold" so maybe another word, such as "dead" might be better here.

*

Okay. That was the poem that I sort of said, "Yes!" too. So obviously, there were some nitpicky things that I found at a more reasonable hour. XD Yep, I suck like that, sorry! ^^

Anyway, as you probably guessed, we're coming to the part where I said, "Just delete this all! :D:D:D" And I know that must have just thrilled you (not). But anyway, I'm going to explain my reasoning, and hopefully this will make sense. ^^

*

Should I give up my other side?

The point of no return? <-- The main problem that I have with this couplet is that you don't really talk about this "other side" previously. Before this couplet, we assume that the narrator is whole, and then by saying this, she splits up into half a person, and I don't particularly like this. You can assume, of course, that she's talking about her "evil" side or whatever, but before now, the narrator sounds wonderfully human and to split her up into parts is, for me, a weird sort of cannibalism. And I don't particularly think this idea fits with this poem.

Should I walk through the fire

And hope that I won’t burn? <-- I can see why you can like this couplet. I mean, half of me wants to say, "But... it's dark, so how can there be fire?" But I still like the idea, though I probably would define the intensity of the flame. ^^ Anyway, since this is a religious poem, I'm reminded of the Pentecost, where the disciples of Christ "burn" with the Holy Spirit. So this "trial by fire" can have religious connotations to this as well, and that ties into your poem's subject quite nicely. The main problem I have with this couplet is... it seems so quickly brushed aside. That is, this, to me, can be an extremely powerful image that you can really use magnificently, but it seems like you don't think you're a good writer, and so you're constantly trying to out-do yourself. This fire image is an extremely powerful image! And then you never mention it again. Instead, you delve into shadows and candy, etc., which, for me, are much weaker images than the Holy Spirit that descended on the apostles as living fire. Now, you'll note that I suggested to delete this all. A better suggestion, I suppose, would be to expand this image and give it the proper treatment it deserves. The only problem with this suggested edit? It's going to be HARD. It would be easier just to delete this and continue the poem, as if nothing happened. Of course, you have to decide.



What awaits me in the shadows

That tempts my senses so? <-- And maybe this is just me, but after the whole mention of "fire," this seems so weak. I mean... it can be powerful. If you tie this in with fire, so that the shadows leap and dance from the movement of flames, that would be awesome. But... it just doesn't seem to fit and it seems weak after your mention of fire. So yeah. Maybe it's an ordering issue? ^^ If you want to keep it, you have to play with it a lot more so that it works. If you're not up to that, it would probably be easier just to delete this. Which would be a lot easier, but you get to decide.

What makes me want to leap right in

When I’m feeling low? <-- There are so many "I, me" mentions in this section that it seems weaker. Or maybe I'm just a heartless biochemical engineer that doesn't care what people "feel"? Whatever! It just doesn't make me care. It's probably because I'm heartless though.



Can my evil self help me?

Can it show me the way? <-- Once again, this ties in with the first couplet that I didn't like, so that's one reason why I'm not too thrilled with this couplet.

When I follow this unlit path

Will I be blinded from sunlight's rays? <-- But... you said that you were in the darkness? This part doesn't really make sense, and it seems more put in just because "rays" rhymes with "way." And I realize that this isn't really the case, but that's what it seems like, which usually means that this isn't poetically written. Since this holds a fundamental contradiction, I wouldn't edit it to make it more poetic (though that's always an option! ^.^) and I would just delete it. Easier!



Will inner torment await me there?

Or will it be pure, sweet bliss? <-- Interesting idea, but it's not expanded on enough to complete the idea fully.

Will I find rainbows and candy there,

Will I find true love’s kiss? <-- This seems a bit cliched.

*

So that's why I would delete it. Or... maybe not delete it. But I would definitely edit it rather heavily, and I'm not sure the edits would be necessary for the poem. I don't know! You get to decide.

Anyway...

*

Is there any way I can be joyful

If I’m living the life of sin?

If I live in darkness <-- You might want to add "utter" before darkness, just for metering's sake. And, once again, you bring forth the theme of darkness. If there's darkness, then you can't see and there would be no flame and... yeah. It just doesn't make sense. You might want to expand on other senses that don't depend on sight.

How can any light be let in?



If I give up all faith

Will I be content in my sorrow?

And if I keep my faith

Will I find more pain tomorrow? <-- I would say "there be" instead of "I find." Too many I's.



In all my confusion

And in all my deepest loss

How can I pay homage

To the Lord upon the cross?

*

So! Hopefully that makes more sense. A little bit nit-picky (sorry about that!) but it should make a lot more sense than the last, sucky critique. As I said before, you don't have to listen to anything I said (except for the alright-->all right comment, lol) because you're the writer. ^.^ However, if what I say makes sense... you may want to consider it.

Also... um... for perfect poems, I love this one: since feeling is first. Of course, that's just my taste, but whatever! It's so pretty. ^^

Happy editing! If you have any questions... well, you know where to bug me.

Yeah, after reading this I realize not a lot of this made sense. I'm revising my butt off here, and just hoping and hoping that it will turn out really well. I usually don't put this much effort into editing.

I'd also like to add, in mild resentment, that you had so many notes that I had to open up a seperate window and pull up the actual review because I couldn't remember it all. Anyways, I guess lots of feedback is better then none, eh? Thanks a ton, everyone who reviewed. Very helpful indeed, I think this is the most effort put into editing any of my pieces, ever. Yay us!!

Hello again Sorry it took me so long to get back to this. Wonderful revisions here, but I agree with Snoink that you could omit a few stanzas (the one I really don't like is the 'will I find nothing amiss' stanza). And, if you don't get rid of it, at least change that line, the rhyme seems too forced. Otherwise, great job!

Hey there Katie, Stella here!

Gripped me far too tight

I'm kind of thinking this shouldn't be capitalized as I needed a second reading for it. But I also understand you don't want to ruin your pattern so ultimately it's up to you.

And I’ve no one else to follow
So as I step into the dark

lol, your conjunctions are a bit weird. I would actually switch so and and here. I mean, it's up to you again.

Go past the point of no return?

I think you have one too many syllables here.

Should I walk through the fire
And hope that I won’t burn?

I assume this is a reference to (I have no idea how to spell the names) Shadrac, Meshac and Abendego? But it doesn't make sense, because they didn't get harmed due to being under God's protection. So maybe you should change it to that idea that you're hoping you still won't get burnt?

Okay...

as far as subject matter is concerned, I'm confused. Do you want to give up believing due to the fact that it's causing you pain? Peer pressure and the like? Do you think it's just not helping you and it's not worth the bother? It's a little unclear, and I suppose, unnecessary, but I can't help but be curious. I've always believed in God and been brought up in a Christian household but to tell the truth I only started going to the school Christian group because the guy I liked led it . But now I'm much more into the whole thing, I'm not just there to admire him. So it's always interesting to read other people's takes and other people's stories.

Anyway, I'm blabbing.

This is your third edit, so it's getting as close to perfect as it'll ever be. I'm just a little confused over what exactly is worrying 'you' and... well, the little above comments on rhythm and technicalities.

Hope I helped and PM me if you have any questions!

-Stella.

No, the fire thing was NOT a reference to the bible. I'd completely forgotten about that story. I think the last time I heard that story was when I watched veggie tales when I was little...

I'd also like to say to EVERYONE that if you read some of the other reviews, there's a lot of confliction here. Please don't get mad at me if I don't go your way.

So, I think I'm done with this poem. As Stella said, it's as close to perfect as it'll ever be. Time to write yet another poem. TY all so much!

closer to perfect kookiekatie. it doesn't bother my christianity.

Wow! This is great! I really liked it!


Snoink has gone over everything thoroughly, so there is not much to touch on here.

Very rarely do I come across a perfect piece.


This was perfect.

10/10

Amazing job.

Keep it up

June

that was a awsome poem, i really enjoyed the questioning. I'm not a rieligious person but, the ending was great and really proves faith